magzie

Hi guys, been lurking for a while. My problem is I've broken up with very long term partner….35 years! Looking back the move (15 years ago) to NZ was symptom of things not being right, but I did it and the kids are now adults and don’t know UK. But I want to go home. What should I do? I love them and don’t want to leave them but I just have this need to go back.NZ just didn’t work, it has some positives but it’s never going to be home to me. I am so torn between what I need to do (go home) and what I should do (stay here). I know there’s no right answer but can somebody say something to make me feel better?

dunroving

If your children are adults and you therefore have no dependents in NZ, you are a free person. Do what you need to do not what you sense your duty is - and realise that whichever decision you make, you can't waste energy torturing yourself with "What ifs".

If your children met someone from another country and wanted to move overseas, or had an opportunity to work overseas, I'm sure they would do it and I'm sure you wouldn't expect them to do anything other than what is best for them. Cut yourself some slack and do what is right for you, not for your grown children.

- and welcome to BE. Lurking is not as much fun as diving in and getting involved!

magzie

thanks dunrovin. It's the west of Scotland I want to go back to. You don't know what you had till you lose it. You're right ,they are independent, but I feel their father's let them down now their mother wants to do her own thing. Scottish Catholic guilt is a terrible thing! You are also right.. lurking is not as much fun!

Tr1boy

This is 100% correct.

I know a 'little' about being torn, moving home, moving back, moving home and now will eventually move back, but the moving back isn't my first choice.

I can tell you certainty that whatever decision you make will not come without emotional cost and whatever you do and wherever you end up, you run the risk of wanting something else, either for you or for your spouse (in my case).

Having said all that, any energy 'tearing yourself apart' is completely wasted energy. It took me years to realise this and finally 'let go' and accept that you have to make the most of life wherever you are. My life hasn't been great in the last 15mths (unrelated to location), and it's taught me to grab life, not worry so much about ticking everything single box because IMO that ways lies to madness.

I would suggest maybe taking some time to make sure you are on a stable platform emotionally regarding the break up and don't rush into 'getting away from where all that crap happened' (I'm not suggesting you're a nut job or anything, just that these things can hit us hard).

Oh, and stop going to church

magzie

Hi tr1boy It’s OK I don’t go to church anymore! I just carry the guilt! I wish I could just ‘let go’ of it all. I might well be a ‘nut job’, the last few years have been so hard if I have some of my sanity left I think I’m doing well! NZ’s been pretty cruel to us and I know I do want to get away for that reason. Do you think changing countries ever changes things?

feelbritish

I feel for you and agree with what has been said. I will add one piece of advice my father once gave me after I was in a similar position "never leave a place unhappy" wait until you are happier and then make the decision. Not sure your details, but do you have to work? If so can you leave your job for 6 months and perhaps move back to UK for a trial period to see how you feel. I always ask myself "what would I do if I won the lottery and money is not an option" and then start from there!
BTW I am Catholic raised as well and know well enough how the "guilt" follows you!

quoll

I think once your kids are grown and gone then you do what you want with your life. Tell your kids about your need to move on, you will still be able to keep in touch and do mutual visits but you are entitled to squeeze every ounce of joy out of your allotted span. Go for what you want out of this life! If that involves a move then go for it!

bourbon-biscuit

Amen to that.

luvmeboys

:starsmile Oh I feel for you, we left our 2 grown up sons in England when we moved to Canada 5 months ago, they didnt want to come with us and both wish us well but its the guilt thing! we phone and skype them and they're coming over for Christmas

I have waves of pain thinking about them but when we speak, they're really fine! in fact I got told off by one for phoning when he was kipping!!

Times have changed, there's no reason why you should be unhappy for the rest of your life! I'm sure your kids will miss you too when you leave but they will visit and keep in touch and New Zealand will be great for hols for you too