fillyjane

Hi, I am a very new member and am not completely sure about how to do this!
I really need anyones advice or thoughts if they have been in the same situation as me. I moved to NZ in Feb, which as you all know takes a lot of time, money and planning. We got our residents visa's and have bought a house and loved it here to begin with and although I like the place I am not happy. Things haven't turned out the way we planned and I am really lonely and unhappy, (sorry to be miserable ). I have a family of 3 kids and my husband and we are all missing family in the UK. After a lot of thought and discussion we have decided to return to the UK. I feel really confused as there is a part of me that will know that I will have some regrets and wonder if the kids would be better of here in NZ, but then there is another part that wants them to have their family around them, ( I come from a large family). We have no family here and no real friends. Do you think I am making a big mistake by returning? Could I be remembering the UK with rose tinted glasses, ( I don't think I am). I actually feel quite relieved that we have made a decision to go home, but like I said already I do still feel very confused by it all. It took so much to get here and it seams like our dreams have gone down the pan. Has anyone else been through this? Please let me know if you have, it'll be nice to know I'm not the only one! Thanks

NZtoUK

Hi there. In my opinion, having been in a similar situation, I would say plan your return very carefully, be sure of what you are going to do when you return and don't look back!
As regards wondering whether your children would have had a better life in NZ, I fail to see how they would have done. (We have 2 of our own). In fact their education and future prospects went a long way to deciding upon our return. The outdoor lifestyle is something of a myth in the South Island, principally due to the inclement weather, even in summer. Schooling is also, in my opinion, not even close to being the same standard as in the UK.
Whatever you choose to do see yourself as a success for trying not a failure if you come back.

fillyjane

Thanks for that, I appreciate your thoughts.

JAJ

No-one can tell you what to do, but have you thought about

- why you left the UK in the first place?
- what attracted you to NZ?
- whether you'll think 'what-if' if you return to the UK after just a few months in NZ
- other options, like trying somewhere else in NZ
- whether you'd like to stay longer and qualify for an indefinite retuning resident visa (provided rules don't change). Citizenship will be more of a challenge as the residence requirement is shortly to be increased to five years from three.

Those of our grandparents generation had no choice about going back. They had to stay, for better or worse. We do have choices, but with that comes the responsibility to make those choices responsibly.

Jeremy

CPW

My main comment would be that I doubt that 6 months is long enough to make a decision, especially since - from what you say - you don't actively hate the place. Rather, the issues that you raise are things that might (and note that I say 'might', not 'will') get better with time - notably the sense of having no real friends.

From my own experience (both of moving overseas and also of moving to a new area), I think you have to live somewhere as if you are there permanently (whether you are or not) before you can really say whether you want to stay or not. Certainly your housing arrangements are permanent, but you also need to think about joining things, participating fully in your children's school and other activities - for these sorts of things I believe you need to see out at least the full cycle of the year (and probably longer than that) before you can really say you don't belong.

The other thing that I would say is that whatever it was that made you decide to leave the UK in the first place won't have changed at all, so you'll come back to the same situation that you left.

Giving advice blind is always difficult, probably impossible, but I really would suggest that, if possible, you give it longer - another year or two at least. This is on the basis of what you write - if you had written that you detest the place, can't stand it, etc, etc, then that would be a different matter. As someone noted above, you can be thankful that you have the opportunity (and presumably the wherewithal) to return if you want to, but you don't want to be in a situation in five or ten years' time where you're saying to yourself, 'If only we'd given it a bit longer...'.

Anyway, good luck in whatever you decide to do.

fillyjane

Thank you for your thoughts Jeremy, and yes I have thought of alot of things you have mentioned, and it isn't a decision to be made lightly, which is one of the reasons I asked for other people's thoughts and advice who have been through the same thing. The same as it was a big decision to come here in the first place.We did come here with the attitude that once we here we was here to stay,which is why we got our permanent visa's. Unfortunatly life doesn't always turn out the way we expect it to. I assure you the choices we have made have been done very responsibly. Thanks again for your thoughts.

ladylisa

Hi fillyjane, I think sometimes others peoples opinions can just confuse your decision as everyone not only has their own perspective but their own history that they are writing from. It is probable that you already have a gut feeling on what you wish to do anyway, listen to it.

What does seem a common thread on this site and the reason that most give as their reason for wanting to return is homesickness for friends and family. The negative side of not living around family and friends can be completely overlooked when you are surrounded by family at the time of emigrating and so its only later, and too late, that you realise the the full impact of that.

Another thing that I have seen mentioned many times and I have experienced myself is that when expats make friends the friendships are so culterally different that they are often not as fullfilling as friends that have been made from your own country and culture. This does not apply to everyone of course however if that were not the case I wonder if so many of us would spend time writing to each other on this website?

Emigrating is an amazing life changing experience but it is not for everyone, and if that includes you then you will go back a changed person anyway I mean how many people appreciate England as much as an ex expat!

fillyjane

Thanks lady lisa, I appreciate your thoughts and must say that I agree with what you say about the friendship side of things, actually I agree with all what you have written!!

WheelsOfSteel

I don't agree about the South Island Outdoor lifestyle being a myth. The major obstacle is time and money, depending on what it is you like. It's out there for the taking.

Anyway, we are in a similar position having moved out here about a year and a half ago, as we are returning to the Uk after the summer.

We have established ourselves here well and had no major problems to mention and have lots of friends here now. We are going, to give the children a flavour of Europe for a while (and build up the bank balance ;-))

We are going to most likely keep the house as we intend coming back at some point as we like it here so much. If we don't then, well I have another property investment.

My point is I guess, is keep your options open. It will get better and six months is probably the point where you feel the holiday is firmly over and the enormity of what you have done is kicking in. I would hang out for the Indefinate Return Visa and see how you feel again.

I would have said if you had pointed out you hate it here, go now, life is too short. But you do seem to like it...

Good luck...

fillyjane

Thanks for that. good luck with your travels.

linda 1

Hi there, yes we are another family leaving NZ (Hamilton) been here almost 7 years. Reasons - the kids have gone back, education, travel, money, oppertunities.
Big difference is we have the passports. But I also know what it is like to think, I cant stand it here for another 3 months never mind 3 years.
You came and gave it a go. Is your other half ready to go back too?

ladylisa

Linda such an interesting point. I often see members say they would like to return to UK but they feel it will give their children an advantage to stay wherever they are. However children grow up and they either integrate fully into the country which means you are effectively a prisoner to stay also (or lose your kids) or they leave and then where does that leave you...living in a Country you dont want to be, in on your own.

In all cases of emigrating or returning you must examine your motives. Some motives are just not strong enough in the first place to even consider moving to another city let alone another country. Oh and for all those that say we want to leave England because of taxes or conjestion or working practices, I say every Country has its own crap, it just doesnt seem that way when you dont live there....

ladylisa

p.s I'm not angry about anything I've just had a couple of really great Vodkas and I'm ready to take on the world...... tee hee

sky

agree with all the above

ladyofthelake

Lady Lisa, you talk a whole lot of sense and have obviously given the situation a lot of thought. I agree with everything you have said so far.

I worry about the future for us. I've seen my children change from British kids to American kids and know the longer we stay here the more likely they will want to put down forever roots here. However I can't really visualise myself staying here full stop. I'm happy here at the moment, and apart from the odd homesickness day, don't want to go back yet. Some day we probably will though and that means tough times and choices ahead for my kids if they stay or return with us. It's just not something I considered at all before we made the move.