terrified of breaking up the family
Oct 29th 2009, 11:11 pm
#17
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Re: terrified of breaking up the family
Luton 37... Your problem is not your son its your husband. Children move out. I don't know if your son is going to University but mine did and they move to either school dorms or lodgings close by and you see them on holidays then they meet a girl and your lucky if you see them at all. If you could find reliable people to take your son in that would be good.
I am afraid you will end up doing what I did and that is staying where you are and then when you are in your late 50's or 60's you will be back at the same spot of wanting to go home. It never goes away its always in the background. You have only been away 6 years so I dont know why your husband and son are so set on staying unless they did not like the UK when they lived there. What will happen when your daughter gets to 19 and has made strong friendships, she will not want to go back. So you will have to stay for her. There is never a good time to made this decision.
You need to have an honest discussion with your husband or it will end up coming between you and resentment will creep in. I often wonder if it where the other way round and it was them wanting to go home would we be so adamant and say no.
In the end we are still back in the stone age being dragged around by the hair by the male. Back to the cave women and dont say anything.
I am afraid you will end up doing what I did and that is staying where you are and then when you are in your late 50's or 60's you will be back at the same spot of wanting to go home. It never goes away its always in the background. You have only been away 6 years so I dont know why your husband and son are so set on staying unless they did not like the UK when they lived there. What will happen when your daughter gets to 19 and has made strong friendships, she will not want to go back. So you will have to stay for her. There is never a good time to made this decision.
You need to have an honest discussion with your husband or it will end up coming between you and resentment will creep in. I often wonder if it where the other way round and it was them wanting to go home would we be so adamant and say no.
In the end we are still back in the stone age being dragged around by the hair by the male. Back to the cave women and dont say anything.
Oct 29th 2009, 11:15 pm
#18
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Re: terrified of breaking up the family
Brits 1... When my children where in University they had friends that did exchange degree's with the UK. They went for a couple of years. Have you looked into that for your son. He could then return to NZ.
Oct 30th 2009, 12:35 am
#19
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Re: terrified of breaking up the family
I just want to say,I totally understand the situation that you are in. I would love to return to the UK but my husband & 19 year old son will not even consider the move. My daughter is 14 and has said as much as she loves Australia she wouldnt mind going back. We have been in Melbourne for the past 6 years. I have never settled here,but my children have loved it from day one.My husband lived here from the age of 11-19 so considers Australia his home. My health has declined since we arrived I am suffering severe depression and just do not consider Australia to be my home.
I feel trapped here and maybe thats why I dislike it more and more everyday.
I know that my son is 19 and old enough to take care of himself but I could never leave him. I understand the torment you are going through.
Good luck with whatever you decide x
I feel trapped here and maybe thats why I dislike it more and more everyday.
I know that my son is 19 and old enough to take care of himself but I could never leave him. I understand the torment you are going through.
Good luck with whatever you decide x
Oct 30th 2009, 2:43 am
#20
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Re: terrified of breaking up the family
quoll, thats so right, trapped what a good word You dammed if you do and your dammed if you dont.
You dammed if you do and your dammed if you dont.
Oct 30th 2009, 3:10 am
#21
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Re: terrified of breaking up the family
This is going to sound harsh, but hes 20yrs old for gods sake! I was a mother younger than that!
Take it from me, you will regret revolving all your long term plans around an adult male child. It will probably do him a favour to leave the nest and stand on his own two feet.
Take it from me, you will regret revolving all your long term plans around an adult male child. It will probably do him a favour to leave the nest and stand on his own two feet.
It is an easy choice given the facts, you hate it, he wants to saty and there's a future for you in the Uk and one for him in Oz. Good luck.
PS I know you will miss him but its what kids do. We have to let go some time aye??
Oct 30th 2009, 4:36 am
#22
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Re: terrified of breaking up the family
We were in a very similar position earlier this year- (we OH and I were desperate to return) when we eventually put the suggestion to the children (13yrs and 16yrs then) they both went beserk...refused to listen, did not speak to us for days, cried together or alone in their rooms, accused us of ruining their lives...etc etc. We felt terrible and how could I plan to make them do something that ultimately would make them unhappy??So as parents we sacrificed our feelings to keep them happy.we struggled and kept telling ourselves this will not be forever we can return in the future (but also we don't want to be where they are not). Anyway life went on and I hid my despair.
4 months later completely out of the blue my eldest now 17yrs told me that she didn't want to upset me but she wanted to return to the UK after she graduates and how would we feel if she made plans to return 2010?? My youngest also said she was ready to go back, Canada was not 'home' and was quite happy to plan the return.
I think that in our case we were just further along the change process and they also needed time to really analyse our arguement for returning, to look at their own lives and their hopes for their futures and see where the UK V Canada fitted into all of that.
Maybe your eldest is just a little further behind you in the change process. I really hope that this will work out for all of you
Good Luck
Elaine
4 months later completely out of the blue my eldest now 17yrs told me that she didn't want to upset me but she wanted to return to the UK after she graduates and how would we feel if she made plans to return 2010?? My youngest also said she was ready to go back, Canada was not 'home' and was quite happy to plan the return.
I think that in our case we were just further along the change process and they also needed time to really analyse our arguement for returning, to look at their own lives and their hopes for their futures and see where the UK V Canada fitted into all of that.
Maybe your eldest is just a little further behind you in the change process. I really hope that this will work out for all of you
Good Luck
Elaine
Oct 30th 2009, 12:39 pm
#23
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Re: terrified of breaking up the family
Really sympathise with you over this one. Lots of us are in similar positions with grown up kids and it's never easy.
My OH and I have faced these issues too (although our daughter(s) chose to be in UK while we were here).
See:
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=598049
if you want to get an idea what we've been through.
Our final decision is - OH, son and I return to UK to join our daughters next month.
I'm an adventurer but can't deny that I'm a Mum and always will be.
Good luck to you xxxx
Jan x
My OH and I have faced these issues too (although our daughter(s) chose to be in UK while we were here).
See:
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=598049
if you want to get an idea what we've been through.
Our final decision is - OH, son and I return to UK to join our daughters next month.
I'm an adventurer but can't deny that I'm a Mum and always will be.
Good luck to you xxxx
Jan x
Oct 30th 2009, 1:07 pm
#24
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 46,382
Re: terrified of breaking up the family
I'm definitely not a regular on this forum but your header drew me in.
I feel for you and while I have never had to go through this (both my kids moved away but stayed within the continental US and were only a few hours plane ride away), I do understand your anxiety. Imagine when you first moved from the UK, your parents probably felt the very same way as you do at the moment. But that is what parents do, love, worry and try to be there for their children whenever they are needed. It is only later in life that we parents realize that our children are on loan only and that they must be allowed to grow and live outside of our protective aura.
Your son is 20. He is apparently mature and has a life goal that he is pursuing. Let him remain there to continue his medical education while you return to the UK. You mentioned that you have good friends there so let one of them or all of them become the nurturing sphere that your son might need in times of trouble or a place to spend the holidays.
I'm sure he knows that if things go belly up, he can always close down his life there and come back to the UK. So the lifeline is still there and always will be no matter where he or you live.
One thing you might think about is that it appears that your anxiety and fear is about YOU and not about him. It is your emotional state that appears to be compromised by what you have told us and he seems to be fine with the situation. Let him spread his wings and test life. He has to at some point in time. You did.
I feel for you and while I have never had to go through this (both my kids moved away but stayed within the continental US and were only a few hours plane ride away), I do understand your anxiety. Imagine when you first moved from the UK, your parents probably felt the very same way as you do at the moment. But that is what parents do, love, worry and try to be there for their children whenever they are needed. It is only later in life that we parents realize that our children are on loan only and that they must be allowed to grow and live outside of our protective aura.
Your son is 20. He is apparently mature and has a life goal that he is pursuing. Let him remain there to continue his medical education while you return to the UK. You mentioned that you have good friends there so let one of them or all of them become the nurturing sphere that your son might need in times of trouble or a place to spend the holidays.
I'm sure he knows that if things go belly up, he can always close down his life there and come back to the UK. So the lifeline is still there and always will be no matter where he or you live.
One thing you might think about is that it appears that your anxiety and fear is about YOU and not about him. It is your emotional state that appears to be compromised by what you have told us and he seems to be fine with the situation. Let him spread his wings and test life. He has to at some point in time. You did.
Oct 30th 2009, 8:53 pm
#25
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 68
Re: terrified of breaking up the family
I just want to say,I totally understand the situation that you are in. I would love to return to the UK but my husband & 19 year old son will not even consider the move. My daughter is 14 and has said as much as she loves Australia she wouldnt mind going back. We have been in Melbourne for the past 6 years. I have never settled here,but my children have loved it from day one.My husband lived here from the age of 11-19 so considers Australia his home. My health has declined since we arrived I am suffering severe depression and just do not consider Australia to be my home.
I feel trapped here and maybe thats why I dislike it more and more everyday.
I know that my son is 19 and old enough to take care of himself but I could never leave him. I understand the torment you are going through.
Good luck with whatever you decide x
I feel trapped here and maybe thats why I dislike it more and more everyday.
I know that my son is 19 and old enough to take care of himself but I could never leave him. I understand the torment you are going through.
Good luck with whatever you decide x
Have sent you a p.m.
Oct 30th 2009, 10:44 pm
#26
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 130
Re: terrified of breaking up the family
I'm definitely not a regular on this forum but your header drew me in.
I feel for you and while I have never had to go through this (both my kids moved away but stayed within the continental US and were only a few hours plane ride away), I do understand your anxiety. Imagine when you first moved from the UK, your parents probably felt the very same way as you do at the moment. But that is what parents do, love, worry and try to be there for their children whenever they are needed. It is only later in life that we parents realize that our children are on loan only and that they must be allowed to grow and live outside of our protective aura.
Your son is 20. He is apparently mature and has a life goal that he is pursuing. Let him remain there to continue his medical education while you return to the UK. You mentioned that you have good friends there so let one of them or all of them become the nurturing sphere that your son might need in times of trouble or a place to spend the holidays.
I'm sure he knows that if things go belly up, he can always close down his life there and come back to the UK. So the lifeline is still there and always will be no matter where he or you live.
One thing you might think about is that it appears that your anxiety and fear is about YOU and not about him. It is your emotional state that appears to be compromised by what you have told us and he seems to be fine with the situation. Let him spread his wings and test life. He has to at some point in time. You did.
I feel for you and while I have never had to go through this (both my kids moved away but stayed within the continental US and were only a few hours plane ride away), I do understand your anxiety. Imagine when you first moved from the UK, your parents probably felt the very same way as you do at the moment. But that is what parents do, love, worry and try to be there for their children whenever they are needed. It is only later in life that we parents realize that our children are on loan only and that they must be allowed to grow and live outside of our protective aura.
Your son is 20. He is apparently mature and has a life goal that he is pursuing. Let him remain there to continue his medical education while you return to the UK. You mentioned that you have good friends there so let one of them or all of them become the nurturing sphere that your son might need in times of trouble or a place to spend the holidays.
I'm sure he knows that if things go belly up, he can always close down his life there and come back to the UK. So the lifeline is still there and always will be no matter where he or you live.
One thing you might think about is that it appears that your anxiety and fear is about YOU and not about him. It is your emotional state that appears to be compromised by what you have told us and he seems to be fine with the situation. Let him spread his wings and test life. He has to at some point in time. You did.
Nov 5th 2009, 2:47 am
#27
Forum Regular
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 183
Re: terrified of breaking up the family
I feel for your situation and I think it's something we all have to think about before emigrating. Moving your kids overseas is a big thing to begin with. But to then turn round a couple of years later and unsettle them again does seem really unfair IMHO. Most people say you need to give it at least three years to settle in another country.
But from what you've said in your last post, he could come back once he's finished his degree and go to med school here. Maybe another option would be for you to stay there until he's finished his degree, then all come back together?
But from what you've said in your last post, he could come back once he's finished his degree and go to med school here. Maybe another option would be for you to stay there until he's finished his degree, then all come back together?
Nov 5th 2009, 3:00 am
#28
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: Perth
Posts: 6,775
Re: terrified of breaking up the family
Just go about life in the way that you see fit and it that means returning then do it.
Let your son know that he's welcome to join you in UK if and when he wishes and the chances are if he is such an introvert as you seem to suggest he may well decide life sans family is not up to much anyway.
On the other hand it may be the making of him in the sense of making him more pro active with the need to develop at least a few contacts.
As he still has nostalgia for UK i would guess at some stage he will follow you back. Best of luck.
Let your son know that he's welcome to join you in UK if and when he wishes and the chances are if he is such an introvert as you seem to suggest he may well decide life sans family is not up to much anyway.
On the other hand it may be the making of him in the sense of making him more pro active with the need to develop at least a few contacts.
As he still has nostalgia for UK i would guess at some stage he will follow you back. Best of luck.
Nov 26th 2009, 1:58 am
#29
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Thread Starter
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Re: terrified of breaking up the family
Thanks for all advice just thought I'd update you - my son has just told me he wants to come back to the UK too. Am so relieved - he feels the same way as we do and thinks he will get a better start to his medical career in UK. Just hoping we can convince UK uni's that we are not international - but if not then any money we make on the exchange can go to his education anyway.
Phew!!!!
Phew!!!!
Nov 26th 2009, 2:45 am
#30
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Re: terrified of breaking up the family
Am in a bit of a pickle at the moment and just hoped there might be someone who has been through or is going through the same that could offer some advice or support.
We've realised after 2 yrs that oz isnt for us for a whole raft of reasons that we have been into more times than I care to think about. We want to go back ( or as one poster put go forward by returning to UK) we're de-skilled here demotivated and frankly feel like square pegs.
There is work for us in UK and our finances are fine - in fact with exchange rate likely to make money on the whole move.
But this is where the tears start - we have three teenagers (14, 18 and 20) the younger two are happy about going back and middle one will go to uni in UK. The eldest however is part way through his degree ( finishes next year) and then will go on to graduate medicine (four years) - and doesn't want to come back. Now I know many of you will be thinking he's old enough to be on his own and I agree - but not so very far away from us. I think he still needs our support both financially and emotionally - I am afraid he will feel like we've abandoned him and there will be a longer term rift. The thought of leaving him here is breaking my heart, the thought of us staying here is terrifying. We want him to come back and complete his studies in UK (I know international fees thing) and then he will be free to return if he wants in his mid 20s and we will support him.
I would find it easier if I could see he was really stuck into ozzie life but he's not - he still lives at home, has a very quiet (non-existant social life) studies all the time, listens to uk radio, watches uk tv, follows uk bands. Ive made him sound like a nerd but he's a good looking outgoing guy but is very focussed on his dream which is becoming a doctor. Personally I think he is wrangling with the thought and has said he really misses uk friends and family and whole music social scene but he has a really close best friend here which I think is the main hook for staying.
Sorry for the offload but dont have anyone here I can talk to about this as friends here not happy about us discussing going back either. any one been through it - or any advice?
We've realised after 2 yrs that oz isnt for us for a whole raft of reasons that we have been into more times than I care to think about. We want to go back ( or as one poster put go forward by returning to UK) we're de-skilled here demotivated and frankly feel like square pegs.
There is work for us in UK and our finances are fine - in fact with exchange rate likely to make money on the whole move.
But this is where the tears start - we have three teenagers (14, 18 and 20) the younger two are happy about going back and middle one will go to uni in UK. The eldest however is part way through his degree ( finishes next year) and then will go on to graduate medicine (four years) - and doesn't want to come back. Now I know many of you will be thinking he's old enough to be on his own and I agree - but not so very far away from us. I think he still needs our support both financially and emotionally - I am afraid he will feel like we've abandoned him and there will be a longer term rift. The thought of leaving him here is breaking my heart, the thought of us staying here is terrifying. We want him to come back and complete his studies in UK (I know international fees thing) and then he will be free to return if he wants in his mid 20s and we will support him.
I would find it easier if I could see he was really stuck into ozzie life but he's not - he still lives at home, has a very quiet (non-existant social life) studies all the time, listens to uk radio, watches uk tv, follows uk bands. Ive made him sound like a nerd but he's a good looking outgoing guy but is very focussed on his dream which is becoming a doctor. Personally I think he is wrangling with the thought and has said he really misses uk friends and family and whole music social scene but he has a really close best friend here which I think is the main hook for staying.
Sorry for the offload but dont have anyone here I can talk to about this as friends here not happy about us discussing going back either. any one been through it - or any advice?
I can relate to your position...it's a difficult one. At the end of the day I think to myself I wanted my daughter to be independent and happy...she is. The fact that we may move back to another continent kills me...but she knows we will always be there for her. Your son is old enough to know his own mind...he knows where you are and that you'll be there for him. Let him do what he's gotta do...otherwise he may resent you for it.