rentaghost

Hi Milana

What a story....I wish you all the best with whatever you decide...

Milana_Rosemont

Thank you so much... Same to you, you're not alone... The language must only make things harder

cosmicjunkie

May I ask where abouts in Italy are you living? I live in Milan and I could reccommend an English speaking therapist.

pain-in-spain

Hello Rentaghost and other posters on this thread. I read your post with interest and it touched a nerve with me too! My story is different but I too am in a very very difficult situation. I moved to Barcelona Spain 8.5 years ago from my native London with my partner. As with Rentaghost, I had family here, my father is Spanish and had retired back here with my English mum 11 years ago, I also have other family living in the city and speak the language fluently, although not Catalan, but despite this cannot express myself as eloquently as i can in English. We stupidly sold our house in East London and bought our flat in the city centre outright, for a long time we existed on the savings we had from the sale as work was harder to find than I had imagined (I was 40 at the time of moving over and my partner is an artist). Pretty much from the outset, despite my family history I had terrible bouts of homesickness. To begin with me, it was me rather than my partner who wanted to go back to London so I persevered and managed to find work, albeit very on and off. Each time I lost a job (employers here are very abusive and there's a lot of cash in hand activities) I wanted to go back but then I'd find something else to save us and would decide to stick it out, but the homesickness would never go away. We have been planning to move back for around 3 or more years but kept getting sucked back into life here and I was terrified at starting over again back in London. We put our flat up for sale last autumn but it's the worst possible time to sell and property has dropped so drastically that we fear we can never afford to live back in London and as a result we are both, especially me, deeply depressed. We are now desperate. I had a job with a proper work contract (something difficult to find here) but was dismissed a week ago in a very shocking way (not the first time I might add) as here you can get rid of anyone for any reason but as long as you pay the requisite redundancy it's acceptable. I could have taken the company to court as they are highly illegal employing another girl without permission to work here in cash but they threatened me and I know the law here takes months and months and I plan to be gone by the summer whatever happens. I have the right to 400 euros a month for 6 months (my official contract was only 6 months duration and previously I'd been paid cash so am not entitled to the full payment) and as my partner doesn't work this is all we have to exist on and our savings will now be used whilst we struggle to sell our flat. I now regret everything we did in the last 8 or so years and hate it here so much that I don't even want to leave my flat. I am trying to find another job, just for a few months but despite by good skills and experience I am constantly up against age discrimination and know I won't be employed. I fear for our future and feel worthless and washed up and am very worried about what will happen. I am seeing my doctor on Friday and will ask for anti-depressants for the first time in my life as I am really at the bottom and cannot cope anymore, the life here has been a total disaster and I regret it bitterly.

fatcat65

I'm so sorry you feel that way, its a really tough situation and I agree with the other posts that if your wife is suggesting you go back then jump at the chance and go and have no regrets. Life's to short to be unhappy, make your decision and don't look back. Your wife sounds wonderful and you are very lucky that she is so supportive as i have read other post where the OH is not and refuses to even entertain the idea of moving back.
I've been in Canada for 2 and half years now and we've had a rollercoaster of a ride with immigration and i am considering going back to the UK, quite soon actually, although i'm torn between getting residency for my kids and my longing to see my family and real friends again. My best friend called me the other day and i spent the whole call in tears as i was so happy to just be talking to her. Real friends are hard to find when you go to another country and true friendships take years to establish and that's what i miss the most.
I wish you all the best and please post and let us all know what you decide, be happy and as one of my dearest friends would say, onwards and upwards!!
I've just previewed my post and it's so long, you could all be forgiven for not attempting to read it. Consider it helpful for me to get it off my chest...if you make it to the end, then you deserve a medal!


Half an hour ago when I first started reading the posts on this 'Moving back to the UK' section I felt a little encouraged to hear so many people going through almost identical things. Strangely I'm now starting to feel anxious after reading so many people deliver the same advice - possibly because I'm so scared to face what may be inevitable.

I'm in my late thirties, from the UK, and married to an Italian. We moved to northern Italy almost eight years ago. At first it was all an adventure - we'll work it out when we get there. Naturally, with my wife being Italian, it wasn't a total leap into the unknown.

Before leaving the UK I worked in a corporate environment and was doing quite well - however wanted to work for myself. Italy provided a chance to start something new.

The decision to move to Italy was not really mine - more because my wife wanted to be in Italy. At the time I didn't really question it, even though a move had not been on my mind.

I setup a small business here - travel-based, which made a little money (little being the operative word) - but in the grand scheme of things struggled to provide anything more than a lifestyle business and barely an income.

After about two or three years of being here I started to feel it wasn't working. Any time that I brought up the topic of moving back or somewhere else, my wife would often, nearly always, break down into tears at the thought of being away from her family. Here we live very close to them - 'we're talking 'metres' not miles...

I'm in year eight now - I'm desperately desperately unhappy. My original business failed and I'm utterly terrified to make the decision to move back to the UK because of how I think my wife will react and what it may do to her. Others on here have talked about their fear of 'getting it wrong' and having that blamed on them in years to come - that's how I feel.

One business down, and not able to take the decision to move back to the UK, I've started to setup a small business here - small and one-man business. I can't hang around doing nothing so in the meantime I though that getting on with something may lead to a more positive outlook - having a business fail is bound to make anybody feel down, so I thought perhaps that when things started to turn around with a new project, life here may also improve.

You know the scene you always see in films when somebody is in the church and about to get married - and they're just not sure - but it looks like it's too late to say no...it feels like that.

I speak the language quite well - but even so, I'm completely frustrated at always being two steps behind everybody - at not being able to say exactly what I want - at not being able to make people laugh as I'd like to - at feeling like an invisible person.

This issue has, over the last year caused me to go into depression - we have two children and so my wife is run off her feet all of the time, and understandably not able to give me her best at the end of the day - even though she'd like to.

When I return to the UK to visit, as others have said, it just feels like going home. I"m even happy to see the people at passport control. Everything is so much easier for me and, well, I feel at home.

But, after a few days, I start to romanticise about Italy. How would I cope without the amazing food? How would I cope with the weather here? More importantly how would my wife cope with it? So I return to Italy thinking it's not so bad, having had my fix of the UK, and feeling somewhat re-energised.

But - after a few weeks of being back, it all goes back to square one.

I wake up with a sad face. I go to bed with a sad face. I have a few friends - barely - here, but more out of desperations than people I love spending time with.

I'm at the very early start up stage of my new business - very early - but I have the feeling that I'm doing something I don't really want to do, in a place I don't really want to be - but for some damm reason I just keep going in circles - just cannot get off the circle.....

I struggled to make my last business work - and that takes a major dint in anybody's confidence. Now at a point when more than ever I need to make things work, I just feel like I'm constantly walking against the tide. Everything requires three times the effort, preparation and concentration here than it does back home. What comes second nature to me in the UK, here is a big task.

My wife said last night that perhaps we should consider whether we should go back to the UK before spending another year here trying to setup the business, investing money, only to decide something that we perhaps knew from the start.

The problem doesn't really come from what my wife says or doesn't say - she's supportive on the whole. However I think that the first five or six years of her reaction to my wanting to return have really had a bad effect on me. I'm just stuck - terrified of loosing my marriage if I get it wrong - terrified of being blamed for making the wrong decision - of it being my 'selfish' fault....

Not sure how much sense I'm making here. If I'm totally honest, I'm finding this really difficult to put into words - because I don't have anybody to talk to this about - and it's always internalised. Different matter trying to explain it.

My friends from my past life think I'm living a dream life - they cannot possibly understand how somebody could not be happy living in Italy. I think they've been watching too much 'Under a Tuscan Sun'....

As I say to my wife - on a beauty contest, I'm afraid I just can't compete with my country against hers. But i can't help where I'm from. It's just home.

Any thoughts most welcome....[/QUOTE]