rentaghost

I've just previewed my post and it's so long, you could all be forgiven for not attempting to read it. Consider it helpful for me to get it off my chest...if you make it to the end, then you deserve a medal!


Half an hour ago when I first started reading the posts on this 'Moving back to the UK' section I felt a little encouraged to hear so many people going through almost identical things. Strangely I'm now starting to feel anxious after reading so many people deliver the same advice - possibly because I'm so scared to face what may be inevitable.

I'm in my late thirties, from the UK, and married to an Italian. We moved to northern Italy almost eight years ago. At first it was all an adventure - we'll work it out when we get there. Naturally, with my wife being Italian, it wasn't a total leap into the unknown.

Before leaving the UK I worked in a corporate environment and was doing quite well - however wanted to work for myself. Italy provided a chance to start something new.

The decision to move to Italy was not really mine - more because my wife wanted to be in Italy. At the time I didn't really question it, even though a move had not been on my mind.

I setup a small business here - travel-based, which made a little money (little being the operative word) - but in the grand scheme of things struggled to provide anything more than a lifestyle business and barely an income.

After about two or three years of being here I started to feel it wasn't working. Any time that I brought up the topic of moving back or somewhere else, my wife would often, nearly always, break down into tears at the thought of being away from her family. Here we live very close to them - 'we're talking 'metres' not miles...

I'm in year eight now - I'm desperately desperately unhappy. My original business failed and I'm utterly terrified to make the decision to move back to the UK because of how I think my wife will react and what it may do to her. Others on here have talked about their fear of 'getting it wrong' and having that blamed on them in years to come - that's how I feel.

One business down, and not able to take the decision to move back to the UK, I've started to setup a small business here - small and one-man business. I can't hang around doing nothing so in the meantime I though that getting on with something may lead to a more positive outlook - having a business fail is bound to make anybody feel down, so I thought perhaps that when things started to turn around with a new project, life here may also improve.

You know the scene you always see in films when somebody is in the church and about to get married - and they're just not sure - but it looks like it's too late to say no...it feels like that.

I speak the language quite well - but even so, I'm completely frustrated at always being two steps behind everybody - at not being able to say exactly what I want - at not being able to make people laugh as I'd like to - at feeling like an invisible person.

This issue has, over the last year caused me to go into depression - we have two children and so my wife is run off her feet all of the time, and understandably not able to give me her best at the end of the day - even though she'd like to.

When I return to the UK to visit, as others have said, it just feels like going home. I"m even happy to see the people at passport control. Everything is so much easier for me and, well, I feel at home.

But, after a few days, I start to romanticise about Italy. How would I cope without the amazing food? How would I cope with the weather here? More importantly how would my wife cope with it? So I return to Italy thinking it's not so bad, having had my fix of the UK, and feeling somewhat re-energised.

But - after a few weeks of being back, it all goes back to square one.

I wake up with a sad face. I go to bed with a sad face. I have a few friends - barely - here, but more out of desperations than people I love spending time with.

I'm at the very early start up stage of my new business - very early - but I have the feeling that I'm doing something I don't really want to do, in a place I don't really want to be - but for some damm reason I just keep going in circles - just cannot get off the circle.....

I struggled to make my last business work - and that takes a major dint in anybody's confidence. Now at a point when more than ever I need to make things work, I just feel like I'm constantly walking against the tide. Everything requires three times the effort, preparation and concentration here than it does back home. What comes second nature to me in the UK, here is a big task.

My wife said last night that perhaps we should consider whether we should go back to the UK before spending another year here trying to setup the business, investing money, only to decide something that we perhaps knew from the start.

The problem doesn't really come from what my wife says or doesn't say - she's supportive on the whole. However I think that the first five or six years of her reaction to my wanting to return have really had a bad effect on me. I'm just stuck - terrified of loosing my marriage if I get it wrong - terrified of being blamed for making the wrong decision - of it being my 'selfish' fault....

Not sure how much sense I'm making here. If I'm totally honest, I'm finding this really difficult to put into words - because I don't have anybody to talk to this about - and it's always internalised. Different matter trying to explain it.

My friends from my past life think I'm living a dream life - they cannot possibly understand how somebody could not be happy living in Italy. I think they've been watching too much 'Under a Tuscan Sun'....

As I say to my wife - on a beauty contest, I'm afraid I just can't compete with my country against hers. But i can't help where I'm from. It's just home.

Any thoughts most welcome....

SomersetGirl

Hi Rentaghost,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, and wouldn't presume to know what you should do, but one sentence caught my attention, that your wife has suggested you go back to the UK before setting up another business. This is wonderful and shows that she is prepared to try for your sake. You say you don't want to be blamed for getting it wrong, but if she is suggesting it, then really it would be a joint decision. Plus, to be fair, you have given it 8 years, and that's a long time to be so unhappy.

I'm assuming you've told her how you feel about this? If not, why don't you just show her this post or part of it, and maybe then she will really understand how you feel.
You owe it to her and to yourself to be totally honest about this...its a very big decision.

bev2

Hi

We moved to oz and returnd just after just 5 months, more my husband and daughters decision than mine, but deep down i know it was for the best even though after 2 years i still ask myself what if what if?

But the decision to come back was made and so here we are.

we spoke to loads of people that still get home sick after thirty years, so maybe people are always homesick but just make the decision to stay where they are.

i can't offer any advice only do whats right for you and your family

Be happy

sallysimmons

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I'm feeling a little bit the same way about where I live although for different reasons.

On the positive side, your wife sounds supportive and caring. She obviously loves you very much if she's willing to suggest leaving her family and moving to the UK.

One thing that struck me reading your post was how final you made everything sound. If you move back to the UK, you spoke as though that would be it and if your wife was unhappy, your marriage would be doomed.

But actually, there would be nothing to stop you changing your mind if you decided the UK just wasn't working, would there?

That's not the case for me - if we leave the US we would lose our health care coverage and, because we're self-employed with pre-existing conditions, we'd never get coverage again if we came back

But it sounds as though you would always be able to reverse the decision if necessary. Who knows how you will all feel 3 years from now? Or 10 years from now? Who knows whether your wife will be able to settle in England again or if she'll always pine for Italy. Those things will become clear over time and you can deal with them then.

For now, it seems to me that your health is at stake and you have tried very hard to make it work in Italy. Why not try it in the UK and see what happens?

btw - I realize there may be things I don't know about your situation that make it hard and I don't want to sound flippant. I just think that depression can make things seem harder than they really are.

I hope you find a way through and feel happier soon.

rentaghost

Well a big thank you for reading through my monster post...much appreciated.

SomersetGirl - you're quite right about my wife being positive. She is - I just have something blocking me from making the decision. Perhaps there isn't any golden key that magically stops you from worrying - perhaps it's just a big, hairy, ugly risky decision that once you make, becomes less ugly, and less frightening...leap of faith I think they call it...

Bev2 - thanks for your thoughts -

sallysimmons - your signature at the end of your post is great - lovely words. Thanks for your input and you've raised an important point about not considering it to be such a final move. Again, I don't seem to be able get that to stick in my head - but yet it does make sense.

Unfortunately I think the only point somebody gets on the internet to look up the symptoms of depression, is when things are pretty bad. I don't know what effect it has had or may have on my health, but my worry is the effect it's having on those around me. I keep saying to myself that I must be an absolute nightmare to live with - Often I really hate myself for the state my head's in...

thanks..

Isabel_7

It is so very hard to foresee the difficulties that potentially lay ahead when marrying someone from a different country and culture. In the flush of new love and new places to explore the potential for homesickness and working through the family differences and expectations are never explored. They don't go away either unless brought to the surface and worked through together.

Do you speak Italian well enough to seek out a good therapist initially for yourself and later for both of you together? This I believe would help to sort through and explore options you might not be thinking about right now. Plus it allows you to put it all on the table in a safe and empathic place.

I wish you well.

rentaghost

I think my Italian is good enough for speaking to somebody here - but I'd already thought about that and decided I'd rather speak to somebody in English. Never found somebody to talk to here in English - and doing it the UK is impractical. I could do it in Italian - but it would be very difficult. And those kind of challenges that learning a new language present are easy to take on the chin in the first year or so of your adventure in a new land -but unfortunately that's not where I am right now - am utterly sick of struggling along to be honest.

Just another thought....a lot of the time, even though my wife is saying to me 'I don't want to see you this unhappy, and she'll move to the UK - I hear her...but I'm always deep down wishing she'd reassure me that it won't be my fault, that it won't risk our marriage. That's the thought I'm always left with.

Nonsensical when I see it written down here, but that's how it goes in my head.

Mummy in the foothills

If she is agreeing to the move and actually is suggesting it, maybe you should just go for it. How long will the marriage last if you become a miserable person to live with in Italy? Maybe after so many years in her families pocket she is ready to live away and visit them a couple times a year. She loves you or she wouldn't notice how sad you have become and how happy you are when you visit UK, maybe she wants the happy guy back.

Englishman43

Could you not move back to the UK for a period of time to see how it fits you ? The good thing for you is Italy is so close you could pop over to see the Family quite regularly if you get a job in England.

I would say do not start a new business. In my experience it takes so much physical, mental & emotional fortitude to make it work that, feeling the way you are now, I don't think it would be a good move for you.

I have a failed biz behind me and it really does knock your confidence in every aspect of life so try not to be too hard on yourself about it.

Just my twopennyworth.

sallysimmons

This is such a great point. At the moment, you're thinking in terms of how being in the UK might make her unhappy, but how unhappy is she now watching you suffer? She obviously loves you and must worry about the marriage the same way you do.

Also remember that she knows you're only in Italy because of her and she must have her own share of guilt about that.

As for worrying about losing her if you move, my own thoughts on that are that as long as you keep the lines of communication open at all times, that shouldn't happen. You'll know if she's unhappy and you'll decide together what to do next. And the funny thing about life is it constantly surprises us - often the thing we worry about most doesn't happen but something else does and takes us by surprise. Who knows, you might be the one who doesn't like it after you've been back a while. You can't let that stuff stop you because you can't predict the future.

I know you're going through a tough time and I know how hard depression can be. But looking from the outside in, you two seem to have a wonderful marriage, with both people thinking of the other's welfare and both not wanting to break up over this. That should stand you in good stead as you move forward.

Good luck!

SomersetGirl

You wife must be feeling just as unhappy seeing your sadness...no-one wants to see the people they love suffer. Perhaps there is also some pressure from her family to stay, so she may be caught in the middle?

PAT M

I think your wife is very concerned about you, she has suggested you try the UK before embarking on another business, go for it, you are depressed and the change would do you both good, you are very young, it need not be a permanent move. I don't know where you would plan to live in the UK but London has a big Italian community (St Peter's Church in Clerkenwell being their "parish church". Keep talking to each other, that's the key. You have two small children, they may love living in the UK, our three boys are thankful that they spent time in both Italy and the UK as they grew up and feel comfortable in both countries. You would be just a short flight from the UK so would be able to visit the family often. Good luck, hope everything works out for the best.

quoll

As one who has been trapped in a place I dont want to be for at least a decade I would say GO! Your wife says she will go with you - you have nothing to lose really. She probably wants "you" back and not some pastiche of you! If you live close to Stanstead you can get on a plane back to Perugia within minutes - it isnt that far for a quick visit if that is what she needs. I say kudos to her for suggesting it, she sounds like a perceptive and empathic person!

Bijilo123

Agree, but just go and have no expectations. Live in your own environment with you in charge and no conflicting influence.

Milana_Rosemont

I know how you feel. I've felt this way since I left England. First I didn't want to hurt my family so I stayed. Then I tried to leave; they forced me to stay and I was miserable. Then I married a saffa and we went to Tanzania only to get divorced, now I'm following my parents to the Caribbean because my sister is having a baby etc etc. I'm going back next year and don't care what anyone thinks. It's my life and I've similarly had 8 years of misery and depression. London is the best city in the world and it is who I am. I can't change it, I have to go back.