Single or married - which is easier?
 

Well I haven't started a thread in a long time, and I have never started a poll, so here goes.

I have read quite a few comments recently from married BE members who are having a difficult time MBTTUK (or emigrating/ping-ponging, for that matter), because either spouse and/or kids don't agree on the move, kids are at a difficult time, age- and school-wise, or adult kids would be left behind (because, for example, they consider themselves to belong to their adopted country, were born there, or are married to someone from their adopted country).

While I can certainly understand how difficult this is, the comment that catches me out usually goes along the lines of "if only I were single, it would be so much easier".

So, as well as posting a poll to see what most people's single/married situation is, I was wondering whether the singletons on here really do think it's easier for them.

Personally, I think if you're married and/or have kids and everyone is on board, it's actually easier (because there's this team effort, mutual support, etc.) If you're single, it means you have to do bloody everything - sell the house, arrange the travel and shipping, etc. Also, it can mean you are very much alone when you arrive at your new destination (except for the dawg, in my case).

Some of my moves have been relatively easy, but some have been a downright struggle to adjust (including this last one, and it's now three and a half years). Maybe it's also an age thing. The easier moves were all associated with very quickly building up a circle of supportive friends and colleagues (for example, when I first emigrated to the Bahamas, there were 12 other people on the same flight, all starting at the same school that year, and we instantly were in the same situation, sharing the experience). This last move, for various reasons, it has been extremely difficult to build up a supportive circle of friends and settle in.

Anyway, can fill in some of the blanks as/if the thread develops, but am wondering - what is your situation, and how do you view the single vs. married/kids thing when it comes to MBTTUK?

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

I think it's definitely more difficult if you have family. There are just so many different individual needs to consider, particularly if both spouses have careers that they value. But it's a lot easier if the kids are small - once they become teenagers any kind of move becomes infinitely more difficult.

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

I don't know if any of the options are easier. I'm married with no kids.

When we moved, most of it fell to me to do because DH was barely out of the hospital with a ruptured spleen. It fell to me to secure the movers, transfer the money, sell two houses (after I finished rehabbing one of them), handle all the flight arrangements including shipping our blind, diabetic dog, handle the delivery of our furniture into a house that was unheated for weeks because British Gas couldn't be bothered to get a bee out of their butt, start work on our UK house which needed a total re-do since it had been rented out for years, and nurse a recovering DH.

The decision process is probably easiest for those that are single. But the moving and re-settling part is going to be a lot of work for you no matter what.

For us the decision process was pretty easy. We had always planned to live in the UK. The 'when' part of the decision was that DH hated the US, I was ambivilent......and when my company was sold and I was offered a redundancy after 23 years I jumped on it and haven't looked back. No regrets.

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

I think the decision making must be easier if there is just the one of you to make the decision (and I include kids in that I guess) but the actual doing of it would be easier with a family team.

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

I agree with this comment by Quoll

The decision bit is far easier if there is only yourself to consider - but the doing bit a lot harder.


Although if both within the partnership are on board for the same thing - ie back to the UK - then the decision moves easily from - if we should go and is that the right decision and I don't want to go - vs I am miserable (speaking from my own experience) to a simple - how shall we achieve this.

In our situation OH is on board - just - but I still feel that i am pushing all the time to get the house finished ad then on the market - and is the job market picking up back home where we want to go to - so stressful.

Add to that he is the bread winner - its a horrid situation.


But on the other hand - it hasn't broken us yet:rofl:

(my pollyanna moment)

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

Well I'm married with no kids with my wife, but I've had kids. Definitely easier with no kids (we're not having any either). We are not restricted by having to be near good (or bad) schools and will never 'need' a big house, which opens up myriad options for us on where to live and work.

Most of the 'want to go/want to stay' marriages are based on one person being from UK and the other from Oz. My wife is from neither so she has no special reasons for staying here. Having said that a mixed race marriage has its own set of unique challenges as well.

Certainly single life is easier but can be a bit empty ( I was single for 6yrs between my first wife and meeting Mrs TB). I traveled all over the world single and lived in two other countries and loved it, however it is nice to share experiences with our partners, even if they drive us mad sometimes;)

Married with kids has to be the most complex as compromises are harder to reach, wealth is harder to get (or at least keep hold of) and there are simply too many variables to make things easy (but of course they can be overcome).

I'm very glad I'm married but also very glad I met someone who doesn't want kids as basically I can't be bothered with all that mullarkey at 45yrs old (not to mention the cost!) and am looking towards life in the UK now being a lot easier than the previous 10yrs. Did my bit now I'm looking to work hard and take the benefits of travel, nice clothes, sitting at the pointy end of planes etc.

So for us life is pretty low risk wherever we are. Thank God, it's about bloody time. :thumbsup:

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

Yes, that's another difficult part of trawling around the world as a singleton - there's no shared history (I have a lifetime of fun memories, but they are shared with a whole stack of different people, none of whom live near me).

I still can't get my head around the fact that Triboy is a (ahem) "mature" guy. :rofl:

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

I agree with the comments that being single makes the decision easier - except that sometimes, being single means you don't have someone to bounce the ideas off (no-one knows, for example, that I'm mulling a return to the US ... I think someone refererred to this in another post as "living a double life").

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

I remember traveling on my own when I was younger and living in Kenya for a while and how strange the experience was when I returned to have no one to share it with and reflect back on good and bad times. It was also difficult if you had a bad day as you only had yourself to rely on. On the flip side I could get up, eat what I wanted, go where I wanted and needn't negotiate anything.....bliss. Being single definitely has its advantages but like all things has its disadvantages.

Now I have a Canadian husband (lovely chappy) who although loves the UK, hates change so the process of moving back there has been slow and painful at times for both of us! We are returning with two kids so life will be very different, we are different and you are constantly thinking about not only what is best for us but more so for them. It can be a brain ache for sure. We are also leaving a place with wonderful four seasons, very little crime, beaches, lakes and ski.....great for kids....oh the guilt.....

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

I wouldn't have come if I was single, this only meant so much because I had mr pp to share it with.

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

Mr pp? Is that your special name for him? ;) (read it out loud and you'll see what I mean)

Sorry, too flippant - I agree with your sentiment, I often wish I could turn to someone and say, "Do you remember the time when ...?"

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

Well I'm actually turning 45 in April so I have 3mths to mature. :D

I reckon traveling on your own, despite being easier is generally worse than moving somewhere on your own. When you live somewhere you can make friends eventually and discover new places with them. Traveling on your own means that you can make fleeting friendships but usually you are moving on in different directions so when you round that corner or crest that hill to see a brilliant vista there is nobody to say 'wow, check that out' to.

Have you not got one of them talking dawgs then D? :D

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

Well, I have just been addressing this very issue over on the AHA moment thread!

I think the decision-making process is much harder if you are married to a native of the country where you live, especially if that person is the breadwinner, and even more if you have children!

I guess once the decision is made, making all the arrangements to go back is easier with two people--I don't know, we're just starting! Though of course you will have figured out that if he is the breadwinner (I have been raising children and then writing, not very lucratively!) it's the money he has earned that will fund it all! So I am not bearing a financial burden alone, as singletons are.

However, seems to me, if you are single and childless, you are free in the sense that you're responsible only for your own happiness, not involving a spouse and kids.

Luckily, despite all this, I am glad to be married (30 years this year!) although falling in love with an American was what created this "between two worlds" situation in the first place!

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

:lol:

Re: Single or married - which is easier?
 

I am a single mum with 3 teenagers and I have to wait until my youngest graduates to complete the move in 2012, but the older 2 want to go as soon as I am able to get things a bit sorted. So they will be going ahead of me and laying the way until i get there permanently. My youngest doesn't want to go (right now) because she has mates and a boyfriend, but my older two love to travel and want to leave Texas. It would be nice to have a spouse to bounce ideas about, but all of it falls on MY shoulders and it can be a heavy load to bear.
I think single parenting is probably the hardest way to do it as you only have one income and all the responsibility and people find that you are loopy to do such a drastic thing as moving to another country. I moved cross country with my children as very young children so I hope this will be a bit easier.