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Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Old Mar 22nd 2007, 8:57 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by LCT
The Problem

Have been with Aussie OH for 7.5 years. Admittedly after meeting in the UK he told me right from the start he wanted to live in the end in Australia. I thought "yeh so what I've only known you a matter of weeks, see what happens before worrying about where to live".

We spent 1 year in Oz one year later, in which I was miserable and desperately missed home. We returned to the UK as I got the opportunity to train as a professional for 2 years which he felt he could not hold me back on.

5 years later and after having lived happily together in the UK, we return to Oz. I kind of always knew that I wouldn't be as happy as I should in Oz, partly because I don't feel like I'm 100% on the same wavelength as his family and friends, and mainly because I absolutely adore my close knit family and friends, I feel like they are my backbone.

So here we are, only 4 months down the Australian track. I feel like I really can't cope with the prospect of this being forever. With the prospect of us getting married and having kids and my kids hardly ever seeing my adorable parents and sisters and of me hardly ever seeing the children of my adorable sisters. Not to mention the fact that I had a pretty good life in the UK, so don't have any of the typical grumbles about the UK. I LOVE THE UK!

Now add into that, the fact that since before I even got here I took exams to ensure I was re-qualified to work here and have been writing to companies looking for work (even voluntary unpaid work) and have got absolutely no-where as everyone wants local experience.

Ok it has only been 4 months and I haven't yet got the job of my dreams but I am desperately unhappy about the future family implications. OH proposed to me last August on a hill in Budapest overlooking the Danube. I had never even contemplated he would do such a thing until we had 100% sorted out our major issue of where we wanted to live. Like a fool, I accepted thinking that this proposal meant more than seemingly, it did.

Now I think my gut is screaming at me to go home and get on with my life - in the UK I feel like I am moving forward. But OH, or should I say fiance, says he cannot see himself being back there. I love him terribly and want us to get married and have kids (I will be 32 this year so getting to that "crunch" time). But I don't want to get stuck in Oz, living someone else's life just because we have kids together.

Ok for an intelligent woman, perhaps I am a complete fool. Perhaps in writing this I am even answering my own question? Am I being unrealistic considering you spend the majority of your time with your partner and not your family and friends? Or should I get out (very painfully) now while I can and before the complications of marriage vows and children come along?

D'Oh!:confused
Dear LCT

What a dilemma! I moved to NZ then OZ 11years ago, we are both english, but same as you I missed family etc, and basically never really got over it, and you said you spend more time with partner than family, if you are not happy in oz the relationship will suffer. On the brighter side you wil have his family is that enough. We have recently moved to dubai, even though my husband was on a good wage in OZ nearly 50% tax and the prospect of expensive flights home make it hard going especially when you have kids.
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Old Mar 22nd 2007, 6:31 pm
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by Big Pete
Make him learn it !! Withdraw all special treats until he starts learning and only give him the treats when hes learnt say 10 new words ? he will soon learn . then you can go to Spain .

Well if i start a new business over there i will shout you dont worry But as far as the chef pool cleaner etc, i have Mrs Bigpete for that

thats too much work for mrs BP- i wonder if polygamy is illegal in spain?

could try withdrawing the treats.... bit it could backfire, what if he leaves me for an english girl, whose language he already speaks??
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Old Mar 22nd 2007, 8:44 pm
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by Elvira
I'd say give it time - don't rush into anything at this point.

Whatever you do, do not have children until you are sure you are in the place you want to be. Your biological clock may be ticking, but the idea of finding yourself stuck in Oz if you do not want to be be there is too horrible to contemplate.
Wot she said

I think you may already have answered your question, to be honest.
Please don't marry this man hoping you can change him - get this all sorted out first, and if it causes the relationship to fall by the wayside, then it was never meant to be. And definately do not have children yet - they are stressful little buggers at the best of times ( ) , even when you are in a fantastic supportive relationship. They will divide you even more if there are any chinks in the marriage. Good luck
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Old Mar 22nd 2007, 10:00 pm
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by featherbum
thats too much work for mrs BP- i wonder if polygamy is illegal in spain?

could try withdrawing the treats.... bit it could backfire, what if he leaves me for an english girl, whose language he already speaks??
The idea of polygamy sounds ok to me but bet mrs bigpete wont be so chuffed !

He wont swap you for a pale skinned English girl , you are safe try it
Bet it would work . Or Try the old "If you really love me" routine
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Old Jun 28th 2007, 7:11 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by LCT
The Problem

Have been with Aussie OH for 7.5 years. Admittedly after meeting in the UK he told me right from the start he wanted to live in the end in Australia. I thought "yeh so what I've only known you a matter of weeks, see what happens before worrying about where to live".

We spent 1 year in Oz one year later, in which I was miserable and desperately missed home. We returned to the UK as I got the opportunity to train as a professional for 2 years which he felt he could not hold me back on.

5 years later and after having lived happily together in the UK, we return to Oz. I kind of always knew that I wouldn't be as happy as I should in Oz, partly because I don't feel like I'm 100% on the same wavelength as his family and friends, and mainly because I absolutely adore my close knit family and friends, I feel like they are my backbone.

So here we are, only 4 months down the Australian track. I feel like I really can't cope with the prospect of this being forever. With the prospect of us getting married and having kids and my kids hardly ever seeing my adorable parents and sisters and of me hardly ever seeing the children of my adorable sisters. Not to mention the fact that I had a pretty good life in the UK, so don't have any of the typical grumbles about the UK. I LOVE THE UK!

Now add into that, the fact that since before I even got here I took exams to ensure I was re-qualified to work here and have been writing to companies looking for work (even voluntary unpaid work) and have got absolutely no-where as everyone wants local experience.

Ok it has only been 4 months and I haven't yet got the job of my dreams but I am desperately unhappy about the future family implications. OH proposed to me last August on a hill in Budapest overlooking the Danube. I had never even contemplated he would do such a thing until we had 100% sorted out our major issue of where we wanted to live. Like a fool, I accepted thinking that this proposal meant more than seemingly, it did.

Now I think my gut is screaming at me to go home and get on with my life - in the UK I feel like I am moving forward. But OH, or should I say fiance, says he cannot see himself being back there. I love him terribly and want us to get married and have kids (I will be 32 this year so getting to that "crunch" time). But I don't want to get stuck in Oz, living someone else's life just because we have kids together.

Ok for an intelligent woman, perhaps I am a complete fool. Perhaps in writing this I am even answering my own question? Am I being unrealistic considering you spend the majority of your time with your partner and not your family and friends? Or should I get out (very painfully) now while I can and before the complications of marriage vows and children come along?

D'Oh!:confused
LCT,

I have just come across your post and I know it has been a while since you wrote on this site..

Your story however pretty much mirrors my own at the minute and I am curious to know what decision you made in the end..are you still in Oz or did you head back to UK? Did your fiance go back with you if that was the case?

Like I say, I am in a similar pickle...spent a years working holiday in Oz back in 2004, when went back to UK met a lovely aussie guy..started a relationship..he made it clear from the start that he didnt want to live in the UK long term..I started the visa applciation process..2 years later...we have arrived in Sydney, got engaged on the way over here in New York (to make it all even more complicated!)...we have been here only 5 months and I just know in my heart I can not stay here 'for ever'..

I am just torn between trying to stay on here and make a go of it or just holding my hands up and admitting it is never going to work..I love my partner to death but I miss my family and refuse to let go of having them in my life..Like you, I will be 32 soon (he is 37) and we both really want kids..but I know it would be a disaster to have them here as I would be stuck in Oz until they are 18 ( a life sentence)..

Like I say.I know it has been a while since you have written but your experience just seemed so similar to mine I wondered how you had got on and, if you have made any decision either way, do you feel it has been the right one?

Would be great to hear from you.
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Old Jun 28th 2007, 7:33 am
  #21  
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Very similar....met Aussie in UK, got married had baby moved in Oz when bubs 5months old and after about 4 weeks I thought I couldn't hack it. My hubby didn't like Uk thought Oz was the end all and be all, anyway to cut it short we stayed in Oz for 2.5yrs and then moved back to Uk nearly 3yrs ago this Sept. We got through the highs and lows and I even miss Oz now, well certain things and friends.

I had issues with his cold outlaws and we did contemplate moving to another state but hubby actually suggested we move back to UK as he said at least we know people and what to expect so that was it. He doesn't like many things about the UK, but for now he is happy here earning the british £ and being a happy family again. At least we don't have to see the outlaws and subject our daughter to their cold ways when it comes to her.!!

We do discuss going back one day but for now this is home. It's all about compromise but thats what suits us I know not everyone can do that..!!

I guess what I am trying to say is give it a go....its early days still. Good luck I really hope it works out for you both.!
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Old Jun 28th 2007, 7:50 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by Pants
Very similar....met Aussie in UK, got married had baby moved in Oz when bubs 5months old and after about 4 weeks I thought I couldn't hack it. My hubby didn't like Uk thought Oz was the end all and be all, anyway to cut it short we stayed in Oz for 2.5yrs and then moved back to Uk nearly 3yrs ago this Sept. We got through the highs and lows and I even miss Oz now, well certain things and friends.

I had issues with his cold outlaws and we did contemplate moving to another state but hubby actually suggested we move back to UK as he said at least we know people and what to expect so that was it. He doesn't like many things about the UK, but for now he is happy here earning the british £ and being a happy family again. At least we don't have to see the outlaws and subject our daughter to their cold ways when it comes to her.!!

We do discuss going back one day but for now this is home. It's all about compromise but thats what suits us I know not everyone can do that..!!

I guess what I am trying to say is give it a go....its early days still. Good luck I really hope it works out for you both.!
Cheers for that pants!

You are lucky your partner was willing to go back to the UK. My fiance would be willing also to go back for a short time only...which still makes me feel like we would still be in limboland as I think ultimately he would never be settled until he was back in Oz..

My future outlaws are very cold also (actually can think of a lot worse things to call his mother)..she has been very rude to me since I came here which is very hurtful as I came here to be with her son and was hoping to have a good relationship with them, seeing as I gave up my family at home...makes the feeling of isolation all that worse and is another source of strain between myself and my fiance...

Best of luck with the UK and your relationship..hope all goes well..xx
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Old Jun 28th 2007, 8:40 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by karni31
Cheers for that pants!

You are lucky your partner was willing to go back to the UK. My fiance would be willing also to go back for a short time only...which still makes me feel like we would still be in limboland as I think ultimately he would never be settled until he was back in Oz..

My future outlaws are very cold also (actually can think of a lot worse things to call his mother)..she has been very rude to me since I came here which is very hurtful as I came here to be with her son and was hoping to have a good relationship with them, seeing as I gave up my family at home...makes the feeling of isolation all that worse and is another source of strain between myself and my fiance...

Best of luck with the UK and your relationship..hope all goes well..xx

Sounds like we have the same outlaws, believe me it has caused major problems and even now still does but thankfully not as much. I could write a novel on the events....I know exactly where you are coming from.

Well I am married to this aussie now and we have 2 babes...wherever we go we just have to remember it is for us as a family..!!!

xxx good luck sweetie
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Old Jun 28th 2007, 8:44 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

This is just my opinion but here's my story:
I have been here 16 years now and wish i had left in those early days. Came over with OH (who is english) for work. He loves it here. Agreed to marry him not knowing was agreeing to life over here. Was miserable in first year but tried to make best of it as was thinking we would leave after couple of years.
Had first baby so difficult to leave.....had second baby as wanted big family so more difficult to leave (plus cannot take kids out of country without OH permission!)..... kids started school so seems more difficult to leave .... had another baby more difficult............ kids settled at school, enjoying aussie life, bought house more difficult............. kids started high school disruptive to them now if leave............
It only gets worse. However hard it seems to leave at the time it only gets harder as time progresses!
OH pretends he might get job in UK from time to time to try and cheer me up but if it hasnt happened yet its not going to!
Will your family visit? Can they/ you afford to travel? My parents wont fly and my sisters have no cash so I only see them when i go back which i try to every year but not always possible (very expensive now there are 5 of us)
Will he agree to 2 years here 2 there? Is his job flexible on location?
If it doesnt feel right now maybe you should cut your losses!
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Old Jun 28th 2007, 8:58 am
  #25  
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Pippilongstocking - that is exactly the kind of entrapment that I am so afraid of.. When I think about things positively, it could all be fine, I could grow to love it there but when I think about it negatively, it could all go catastrophically wrong!

Do you really wish that you had got out all those years ago? Are you at all happy with your life on a day to day basis?

LCT
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Old Jun 28th 2007, 9:09 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by LCT
Pippilongstocking - that is exactly the kind of entrapment that I am so afraid of.. When I think about things positively, it could all be fine, I could grow to love it there but when I think about it negatively, it could all go catastrophically wrong!

Do you really wish that you had got out all those years ago? Are you at all happy with your life on a day to day basis?

LCT
Really, really wish i had gone. I still feel like i dont belong here after all this time. And i miss my family dreadfully. As the boys get older i also think not having other family members around to reinforce those parenting things is a big negative. We have a couple of good friends who are good role models for the boys but they have their own family and extended family.
On a day to day basis i can see the positives in life and on the surface be happy quite a lot of the time but if you dig deeper............
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Old Jun 28th 2007, 3:51 pm
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by featherbum
Hey-
how about you 2 consider a new place altogether to live, like a commitment type of thing?
I dont like living in the UK and it would be hard for us to go back home to Spain as OH cant speak spanish, so we are looking at Canada...
I would LOVE more than anything to go back to Spain (guess its the same way you feel about the UK and i miss my family too etc) but my OH wants to live somewhere were he can have a good job without worrying about the language barrier....

Maybe you could be somewhere where you are closer to the uk...?

Not sure if this helps.. might be worth thinking about!!!
This isnt a bad idea you know. At least then you will try in a new place together and there will be no resentment.

But I have to say above all do what makes you happy. Try not to live with too much regret and be positive.

If being with your family is what makes you happy then go and be with them. Dont marry him, until you are certain.

I feel for you with your decision. I really hope it works out for you.

All the best.
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Old Jul 1st 2007, 11:03 pm
  #28  
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Oh God you are all really scaring me....

I feel the same but with different countries, live in england with my english OH, wanting to go back to Spain, and currently organising my wedding!!
aarrgghh!!!
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Old Jul 5th 2007, 4:05 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Been there, done that, got the Green Card!

I met my US husband when I was living in Spain. I wanted to leave Spain but wasn't sure I wanted to go back to the UK. I'd never ever wanted to live in the US. Nice place to visit but not for life. US hubby was looking for jobs in the EU and Dubai so I never thought he was stuck on the US forever.

I moved over here and shortly after he announced that not only was he never going to leave the US, he was never going to leave Massachusetts. It gets worse. His mother was sick and we had to move into a basement apt in her house. I have the evil old hag upstairs, her insane 3rd husband, hubby's grandfather who's 101 living a few yards away and a ton of other inlaws within shouting distance, and do they ever like to shout!

I've been thinking about going since the first year here but stuck it out hoping that maybe some inlaws will drop off and it will all get better but it's pretty sick to live your life every day wishing people would just hurry up and die!

I wish to hell I'd never moved here. I either should have made sure that hubby would leave the US or simply not married him. Four years on and I'm planning to go home. Alone.
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Old Jul 5th 2007, 12:03 pm
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by Shivster
Been there, done that, got the Green Card!

I met my US husband when I was living in Spain. I wanted to leave Spain but wasn't sure I wanted to go back to the UK. I'd never ever wanted to live in the US. Nice place to visit but not for life. US hubby was looking for jobs in the EU and Dubai so I never thought he was stuck on the US forever.

I moved over here and shortly after he announced that not only was he never going to leave the US, he was never going to leave Massachusetts. It gets worse. His mother was sick and we had to move into a basement apt in her house. I have the evil old hag upstairs, her insane 3rd husband, hubby's grandfather who's 101 living a few yards away and a ton of other inlaws within shouting distance, and do they ever like to shout!

I've been thinking about going since the first year here but stuck it out hoping that maybe some inlaws will drop off and it will all get better but it's pretty sick to live your life every day wishing people would just hurry up and die!

I wish to hell I'd never moved here. I either should have made sure that hubby would leave the US or simply not married him. Four years on and I'm planning to go home. Alone.
Bless you,
sounds terrible. I sincerely wish you good luck.
xxx
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