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Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Old Mar 20th 2007, 12:30 pm
  #1  
LCT
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Default Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

The Problem

Have been with Aussie OH for 7.5 years. Admittedly after meeting in the UK he told me right from the start he wanted to live in the end in Australia. I thought "yeh so what I've only known you a matter of weeks, see what happens before worrying about where to live".

We spent 1 year in Oz one year later, in which I was miserable and desperately missed home. We returned to the UK as I got the opportunity to train as a professional for 2 years which he felt he could not hold me back on.

5 years later and after having lived happily together in the UK, we return to Oz. I kind of always knew that I wouldn't be as happy as I should in Oz, partly because I don't feel like I'm 100% on the same wavelength as his family and friends, and mainly because I absolutely adore my close knit family and friends, I feel like they are my backbone.

So here we are, only 4 months down the Australian track. I feel like I really can't cope with the prospect of this being forever. With the prospect of us getting married and having kids and my kids hardly ever seeing my adorable parents and sisters and of me hardly ever seeing the children of my adorable sisters. Not to mention the fact that I had a pretty good life in the UK, so don't have any of the typical grumbles about the UK. I LOVE THE UK!

Now add into that, the fact that since before I even got here I took exams to ensure I was re-qualified to work here and have been writing to companies looking for work (even voluntary unpaid work) and have got absolutely no-where as everyone wants local experience.

Ok it has only been 4 months and I haven't yet got the job of my dreams but I am desperately unhappy about the future family implications. OH proposed to me last August on a hill in Budapest overlooking the Danube. I had never even contemplated he would do such a thing until we had 100% sorted out our major issue of where we wanted to live. Like a fool, I accepted thinking that this proposal meant more than seemingly, it did.

Now I think my gut is screaming at me to go home and get on with my life - in the UK I feel like I am moving forward. But OH, or should I say fiance, says he cannot see himself being back there. I love him terribly and want us to get married and have kids (I will be 32 this year so getting to that "crunch" time). But I don't want to get stuck in Oz, living someone else's life just because we have kids together.

Ok for an intelligent woman, perhaps I am a complete fool. Perhaps in writing this I am even answering my own question? Am I being unrealistic considering you spend the majority of your time with your partner and not your family and friends? Or should I get out (very painfully) now while I can and before the complications of marriage vows and children come along?

D'Oh!:confused
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Old Mar 20th 2007, 12:33 pm
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by LCT
The Problem

Have been with Aussie OH for 7.5 years. Admittedly after meeting in the UK he told me right from the start he wanted to live in the end in Australia. I thought "yeh so what I've only known you a matter of weeks, see what happens before worrying about where to live".

We spent 1 year in Oz one year later, in which I was miserable and desperately missed home. We returned to the UK as I got the opportunity to train as a professional for 2 years which he felt he could not hold me back on.

5 years later and after having lived happily together in the UK, we return to Oz. I kind of always knew that I wouldn't be as happy as I should in Oz, partly because I don't feel like I'm 100% on the same wavelength as his family and friends, and mainly because I absolutely adore my close knit family and friends, I feel like they are my backbone.

So here we are, only 4 months down the Australian track. I feel like I really can't cope with the prospect of this being forever. With the prospect of us getting married and having kids and my kids hardly ever seeing my adorable parents and sisters and of me hardly ever seeing the children of my adorable sisters. Not to mention the fact that I had a pretty good life in the UK, so don't have any of the typical grumbles about the UK. I LOVE THE UK!

Now add into that, the fact that since before I even got here I took exams to ensure I was re-qualified to work here and have been writing to companies looking for work (even voluntary unpaid work) and have got absolutely no-where as everyone wants local experience.

Ok it has only been 4 months and I haven't yet got the job of my dreams but I am desperately unhappy about the future family implications. OH proposed to me last August on a hill in Budapest overlooking the Danube. I had never even contemplated he would do such a thing until we had 100% sorted out our major issue of where we wanted to live. Like a fool, I accepted thinking that this proposal meant more than seemingly, it did.

Now I think my gut is screaming at me to go home and get on with my life - in the UK I feel like I am moving forward. But OH, or should I say fiance, says he cannot see himself being back there. I love him terribly and want us to get married and have kids (I will be 32 this year so getting to that "crunch" time). But I don't want to get stuck in Oz, living someone else's life just because we have kids together.

Ok for an intelligent woman, perhaps I am a complete fool. Perhaps in writing this I am even answering my own question? Am I being unrealistic considering you spend the majority of your time with your partner and not your family and friends? Or should I get out (very painfully) now while I can and before the complications of marriage vows and children come along?

D'Oh!:confused
Get out and get back to where you feel most comfortable before you bring kids into the equation. The doubt will only eat away at you both in the end.
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Old Mar 20th 2007, 2:57 pm
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by LCT
The Problem

Ok for an intelligent woman, perhaps I am a complete fool. Perhaps in writing this I am even answering my own question? Am I being unrealistic considering you spend the majority of your time with your partner and not your family and friends? Or should I get out (very painfully) now while I can and before the complications of marriage vows and children come along?

D'Oh!:confused
Not unrealistic. There should be room in your life for all those closest to you.
If you feel like you do now things will seem a whole lot worse when children are in the equation, that is the time when, in my op, you need you're family the most.
Also there is the risk of resentment building on your part.
Its a rough situation for you to be in, I hope you find a solution.

All the best to you

TT.

Last edited by Treacle Tart; Mar 20th 2007 at 3:02 pm.
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Old Mar 20th 2007, 2:57 pm
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Hey-
how about you 2 consider a new place altogether to live, like a commitment type of thing?
I dont like living in the UK and it would be hard for us to go back home to Spain as OH cant speak spanish, so we are looking at Canada...
I would LOVE more than anything to go back to Spain (guess its the same way you feel about the UK and i miss my family too etc) but my OH wants to live somewhere were he can have a good job without worrying about the language barrier....

Maybe you could be somewhere where you are closer to the uk...?

Not sure if this helps.. might be worth thinking about!!!
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Old Mar 21st 2007, 12:22 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by LCT
The Problem

Have been with Aussie OH for 7.5 years. Admittedly after meeting in the UK he told me right from the start he wanted to live in the end in Australia. I thought "yeh so what I've only known you a matter of weeks, see what happens before worrying about where to live".

We spent 1 year in Oz one year later, in which I was miserable and desperately missed home. We returned to the UK as I got the opportunity to train as a professional for 2 years which he felt he could not hold me back on.

5 years later and after having lived happily together in the UK, we return to Oz. I kind of always knew that I wouldn't be as happy as I should in Oz, partly because I don't feel like I'm 100% on the same wavelength as his family and friends, and mainly because I absolutely adore my close knit family and friends, I feel like they are my backbone.

So here we are, only 4 months down the Australian track. I feel like I really can't cope with the prospect of this being forever. With the prospect of us getting married and having kids and my kids hardly ever seeing my adorable parents and sisters and of me hardly ever seeing the children of my adorable sisters. Not to mention the fact that I had a pretty good life in the UK, so don't have any of the typical grumbles about the UK. I LOVE THE UK!

Now add into that, the fact that since before I even got here I took exams to ensure I was re-qualified to work here and have been writing to companies looking for work (even voluntary unpaid work) and have got absolutely no-where as everyone wants local experience.

Ok it has only been 4 months and I haven't yet got the job of my dreams but I am desperately unhappy about the future family implications. OH proposed to me last August on a hill in Budapest overlooking the Danube. I had never even contemplated he would do such a thing until we had 100% sorted out our major issue of where we wanted to live. Like a fool, I accepted thinking that this proposal meant more than seemingly, it did.

Now I think my gut is screaming at me to go home and get on with my life - in the UK I feel like I am moving forward. But OH, or should I say fiance, says he cannot see himself being back there. I love him terribly and want us to get married and have kids (I will be 32 this year so getting to that "crunch" time). But I don't want to get stuck in Oz, living someone else's life just because we have kids together.

Ok for an intelligent woman, perhaps I am a complete fool. Perhaps in writing this I am even answering my own question? Am I being unrealistic considering you spend the majority of your time with your partner and not your family and friends? Or should I get out (very painfully) now while I can and before the complications of marriage vows and children come along?

D'Oh!:confused
If you really really love him then stay and look after him as a good wife should do !! Friends you can make new ones give it time ! family well you will still talk to them via web cams and things ,and get together once a year !!

If you dont love him then get out now while its easy !! just say OZ isnt for me , and go .. Start a new UK life ! find a new guy , and have loads of kids and live happily ever after
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Old Mar 21st 2007, 12:23 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by featherbum
Hey-
how about you 2 consider a new place altogether to live, like a commitment type of thing?
I dont like living in the UK and it would be hard for us to go back home to Spain as OH cant speak spanish, so we are looking at Canada...
I would LOVE more than anything to go back to Spain (guess its the same way you feel about the UK and i miss my family too etc) but my OH wants to live somewhere were he can have a good job without worrying about the language barrier....

Maybe you could be somewhere where you are closer to the uk...?

Not sure if this helps.. might be worth thinking about!!!
Canada its cold there why there Featherybummy ?
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Old Mar 21st 2007, 1:10 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

I'd say give it time - don't rush into anything at this point.

Whatever you do, do not have children until you are sure you are in the place you want to be. Your biological clock may be ticking, but the idea of finding yourself stuck in Oz if you do not want to be be there is too horrible to contemplate.
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Old Mar 21st 2007, 1:31 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Hi LCT

I really feel for you and some of the things you describe about looking to the future and kids without family around you are things I struggled with terribly not so long ago.

I have been with my partner for 12 years now, we are both British but coming here was his life-long dream. I knew fairly early on that living here wasn't for me long-term but got on with it and tried to keep an open mind. After the first 3 years the doubts i had kept mounting and the prospect of starting a family added to it all. I was last year, just at the point that you are now - do I stay or do i go (alone)?

Very happily it didn't come to that as I made my decision which was to go back alone and once my partner realised how serious I was about both getting out of here and about starting a family with him if there was any way at all to do that in the UK he changed his mind.

If he hadn't though i would have still gone with my first decision as awful as it would have been i just couldn't justify losing such an integral part of my life and who i am (my family, my home) for someone elses idea of a dream. I think if you stay and put a brave face on it you may just be delaying the inevitable which I decided in my case would be wasting more time.

We are still in Oz and are now pregnant ( ) but we are moving back in December a couple of months after the birth. As daunting as the move is I know it would have been more so doing it alone, that said i would have done it.....I think you just 'know' when something isn't going to work for you the trouble is finding the courage to do something about it. I really hope you find a solution



Originally Posted by LCT
The Problem

Have been with Aussie OH for 7.5 years. Admittedly after meeting in the UK he told me right from the start he wanted to live in the end in Australia. I thought "yeh so what I've only known you a matter of weeks, see what happens before worrying about where to live".

We spent 1 year in Oz one year later, in which I was miserable and desperately missed home. We returned to the UK as I got the opportunity to train as a professional for 2 years which he felt he could not hold me back on.

5 years later and after having lived happily together in the UK, we return to Oz. I kind of always knew that I wouldn't be as happy as I should in Oz, partly because I don't feel like I'm 100% on the same wavelength as his family and friends, and mainly because I absolutely adore my close knit family and friends, I feel like they are my backbone.

So here we are, only 4 months down the Australian track. I feel like I really can't cope with the prospect of this being forever. With the prospect of us getting married and having kids and my kids hardly ever seeing my adorable parents and sisters and of me hardly ever seeing the children of my adorable sisters. Not to mention the fact that I had a pretty good life in the UK, so don't have any of the typical grumbles about the UK. I LOVE THE UK!

Now add into that, the fact that since before I even got here I took exams to ensure I was re-qualified to work here and have been writing to companies looking for work (even voluntary unpaid work) and have got absolutely no-where as everyone wants local experience.

Ok it has only been 4 months and I haven't yet got the job of my dreams but I am desperately unhappy about the future family implications. OH proposed to me last August on a hill in Budapest overlooking the Danube. I had never even contemplated he would do such a thing until we had 100% sorted out our major issue of where we wanted to live. Like a fool, I accepted thinking that this proposal meant more than seemingly, it did.

Now I think my gut is screaming at me to go home and get on with my life - in the UK I feel like I am moving forward. But OH, or should I say fiance, says he cannot see himself being back there. I love him terribly and want us to get married and have kids (I will be 32 this year so getting to that "crunch" time). But I don't want to get stuck in Oz, living someone else's life just because we have kids together.

Ok for an intelligent woman, perhaps I am a complete fool. Perhaps in writing this I am even answering my own question? Am I being unrealistic considering you spend the majority of your time with your partner and not your family and friends? Or should I get out (very painfully) now while I can and before the complications of marriage vows and children come along?

D'Oh!:confused
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Old Mar 21st 2007, 1:55 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Hi,
just my opinion but it has only been 4 months for you are, you sure you can't get over the homesickness? If you are sure you don't want to be there then your life is in the UK, but understandably his life that he wants is in Oz...it's unfair of either of you to want the other one to live unhappily and if the relationship between you is not enough for either of you...not picking fault, some people really need to be close to their families...so if neither of you can envisage your future in a country that you are not entirely happy living in then you should go your separate ways. Sometimes it's the only way forward for both of you to be happy.
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Old Mar 21st 2007, 2:46 am
  #10  
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

I feel for you. I have a similar situation. We left home for brisbane 4 months ago. I have felt the urge to go home since the plane took off from Manchester. OH has work commitments - UK company have set him up in business here working for them from home so he feels he has to give it a year as they have spent so much money on computers etc for him.

OH sayes I have not been the same person since we left home - although we both like brisbane - its not enough - I desprately miss my mum & family and friend especially my 5 year old niece. It breaks my heart everytime I speak to her on the web came - we just took them for granted when we were at home.

OH has agreed that he feels the same, he misses them all just as much as me - although he is trying to stay positive and says we have to enjoy this year we have both sets of parents coming out and one of his sisters and husband.

We are planning to go home for hol in October when he is going to go in to old company and tell them that we are coming home. They will be over the moon that he is coming home. So there is no problem with jobs.

Christmas was really difficult not being with the family and nieces & newphews.

Do you have any family coming out to see you soon? or perhaps plan a holiday home to see how you feel.

I wish I had the answer too.
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Old Mar 21st 2007, 4:24 am
  #11  
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by Elvira
finding yourself stuck in Oz if you do not want to be be there is too horrible to contemplate.
Too right
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Old Mar 21st 2007, 5:22 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

HI
My situation is sort of similiar whereas hubby would do anything to stay and I would do anything to go home. I miss my life desperatly and also feel a little piece of me dies sometimes when I am incredibly homesick over here. I have been here 8 months now and have wanted to go home since week 3.

Hubby was adament he wasnt going back to the uk. However like you I am 32 but already have 2 boys and even though he loves australia he loves his kids more. Would he be coming home with me if we didnt have the boys though? I dont know probably not straight away but hopefully eventually

At the end of the day you can always go home and then come back if you miss him too much and like wise he can always return later if he misses you too much. Good test really, before you get married.
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Old Mar 21st 2007, 10:31 pm
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

You have my every sympathy, I am 32 also and I've been in exactly the same stiuation with an American. Reading your post though, I think you do know the answer, as painful and difficult as it is to face.

My mum always said to me, on your wedding day when you say "I do" you should not have doubts about the happiness of your future. Now unexpected shit happens, but going into it knowing there's a major problem is another thing.

You know you're not happy in Oz.

Having lived happily in the UK for some time, maybe he will come round if you were to say, I cant live in Australia and you come back to the UK. Only he can make that decision though.

I wish you all the best in whatever direction you choose.
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Old Mar 21st 2007, 11:01 pm
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by Big Pete
Canada its cold there why there Featherybummy ?


i know big Pete... i know...
my heart is in Spain but i fell in love with an english man who CANNOT learn spanish....
what are we gonna do- and you wont let me be your chef/pool cleaner/translator! :curse:
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Old Mar 22nd 2007, 1:38 am
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Default Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

Originally Posted by featherbum
i know big Pete... i know...
my heart is in Spain but i fell in love with an english man who CANNOT learn spanish....
what are we gonna do- and you wont let me be your chef/pool cleaner/translator! :curse:
Make him learn it !! Withdraw all special treats until he starts learning and only give him the treats when hes learnt say 10 new words ? he will soon learn . then you can go to Spain .

Well if i start a new business over there i will shout you dont worry But as far as the chef pool cleaner etc, i have Mrs Bigpete for that
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