Should I go back to the UK
#16
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2015
Location: France
Posts: 862
Re: Should I go back to the UK
Sometimes a little kick up the backs*de can be extremely helpful.
#17
Re: Should I go back to the UK
..... but not in this case & not from someone who doesn't know this place at all & who does not walk in the OPs shoes in any way.
There is no doubt that NZ is scenic & I should know, I have been here 16 years, but one doesn't always wish to live a life in a gilded cage or a landscape painting. Life is more than that. Personally I couldn't live on an NZ farm out in the sticks & it does seem that this young Mum is struggling with exactly that at the moment which is perhaps why she posted here. Perhaps if you knew the areas & how a rural NZ life is you would understand a bit better.
She is feeling trapped. She has no independence and little to stimulate who she is as a person, not an extension. These days women do not more usually revolve their entire lives around their husbands and kids. They want a life too and that is OK. Or at least it should be.
The OP has not come back . I wish she had, if just to simply talk more. Get her feelings off her chest. Then we could all have helped her work it through and what her & her family options could be.
I will add here that this couple may not have chosen initially to live out their lives on a dairy farm. It is a pathway to residency for those that may not be able to access the more usual routes. I know of a family that did just this before moving on. Start as a farm hand and progress along simply because one stayed there on a temp work permit. Without hearing from the OP there is no way to know how they ended up with this as a lifestyle. It may simply have been a means to an end with one of them falling in love with the industry and one finding it increasingly insular. Of course, he may always have been a farmer with a degree in this.
One further note. Poorly controlled epilepsy precludes someone from meeting the NZ immigration acceptable standard of health . I kind of feel this young lady knows where she is at with her epilepsy, manages it very well and has for many years from what she has written.
She needs more stimulus just for her & they need to work together to find that, wherever that may be. What she doesn't need is anyone being basically mean for no good reason really. Plain speaking is fine provided it could not cause harm.
There is no doubt that NZ is scenic & I should know, I have been here 16 years, but one doesn't always wish to live a life in a gilded cage or a landscape painting. Life is more than that. Personally I couldn't live on an NZ farm out in the sticks & it does seem that this young Mum is struggling with exactly that at the moment which is perhaps why she posted here. Perhaps if you knew the areas & how a rural NZ life is you would understand a bit better.
She is feeling trapped. She has no independence and little to stimulate who she is as a person, not an extension. These days women do not more usually revolve their entire lives around their husbands and kids. They want a life too and that is OK. Or at least it should be.
The OP has not come back . I wish she had, if just to simply talk more. Get her feelings off her chest. Then we could all have helped her work it through and what her & her family options could be.
I will add here that this couple may not have chosen initially to live out their lives on a dairy farm. It is a pathway to residency for those that may not be able to access the more usual routes. I know of a family that did just this before moving on. Start as a farm hand and progress along simply because one stayed there on a temp work permit. Without hearing from the OP there is no way to know how they ended up with this as a lifestyle. It may simply have been a means to an end with one of them falling in love with the industry and one finding it increasingly insular. Of course, he may always have been a farmer with a degree in this.
One further note. Poorly controlled epilepsy precludes someone from meeting the NZ immigration acceptable standard of health . I kind of feel this young lady knows where she is at with her epilepsy, manages it very well and has for many years from what she has written.
She needs more stimulus just for her & they need to work together to find that, wherever that may be. What she doesn't need is anyone being basically mean for no good reason really. Plain speaking is fine provided it could not cause harm.
#18
Re: Should I go back to the UK
Kindness and understanding costs nothing and yet can mean so much. OP I hope the ideas/possible solutions given above help you to clear your head and find a way forward. Wish you the very best!
#19
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2015
Location: France
Posts: 862
Re: Should I go back to the UK
Kindness and understanding don’t always have to be couched in the anodyne language of modern mental health-speak.
I too hope that between your own expressions of sympathy and my more robust response, the OP will find a way out of her current unhappiness.
I too hope that between your own expressions of sympathy and my more robust response, the OP will find a way out of her current unhappiness.
#21
Just Joined
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 19
Re: Should I go back to the UK
Here’s an interesting exercise. Imagine the OP was a man. The post would then read as follows:
“Me & my wife are a British couple that came to NZ for a bit of an adventure after our wedding before we planned on returning to UK to buy a house & settle down & start a family.
We really enjoyed it out here and decided to stay longer, it’s now been 7 years. We have been successful with jobs & now manage a large dairy farm with a good income, more than I think we would make in the UK & have 2 young daughters, aged 5 & 2.
I have epilepsy & can’t drive & we live on a dairy farm outside of town, so I can’t go anywhere without help & I feel trapped. I really miss the public transport we once had in the UK.
To be honest I have no interest in dairy farming, my wife has a true passion for it & is amazing, I just spend my time at home & feel like I’m wasting my life away.
I envy those in normal lives back in the UK, living in estates, closer to family, children spending time with their grandparents, buses around, freedom. Better education for the girls. I’m conscious that our parents are constantly growing older too & feel we’re missing out on those final years.
I have told my wife how I feel, she isn’t as close to her parents & doesn’t like mine. We never agreed this would be forever but we have achieved residency and she has no plan on ever going back. It really upsets her when I mention it & she came to me in tears telling me I could go if I really wanted & take the girls too - but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all.
I think if we didn’t have the girls I’d already be there but it breaks my heart to see her cry, I don’t want to ruin her life when she works so hard, and I don’t want to upset them when they love their mum so much. But surely I’m allowed a life too, I just don’t know what to do.”
What would your answer be?
I just tried this with a couple of (female) friends. When they got to the bit that reads: “but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all” they both said « Well then don’t ».
“Me & my wife are a British couple that came to NZ for a bit of an adventure after our wedding before we planned on returning to UK to buy a house & settle down & start a family.
We really enjoyed it out here and decided to stay longer, it’s now been 7 years. We have been successful with jobs & now manage a large dairy farm with a good income, more than I think we would make in the UK & have 2 young daughters, aged 5 & 2.
I have epilepsy & can’t drive & we live on a dairy farm outside of town, so I can’t go anywhere without help & I feel trapped. I really miss the public transport we once had in the UK.
To be honest I have no interest in dairy farming, my wife has a true passion for it & is amazing, I just spend my time at home & feel like I’m wasting my life away.
I envy those in normal lives back in the UK, living in estates, closer to family, children spending time with their grandparents, buses around, freedom. Better education for the girls. I’m conscious that our parents are constantly growing older too & feel we’re missing out on those final years.
I have told my wife how I feel, she isn’t as close to her parents & doesn’t like mine. We never agreed this would be forever but we have achieved residency and she has no plan on ever going back. It really upsets her when I mention it & she came to me in tears telling me I could go if I really wanted & take the girls too - but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all.
I think if we didn’t have the girls I’d already be there but it breaks my heart to see her cry, I don’t want to ruin her life when she works so hard, and I don’t want to upset them when they love their mum so much. But surely I’m allowed a life too, I just don’t know what to do.”
What would your answer be?
I just tried this with a couple of (female) friends. When they got to the bit that reads: “but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all” they both said « Well then don’t ».
#22
Re: Should I go back to the UK
Here’s an interesting exercise. Imagine the OP was a man. The post would then read as follows:
“Me & my wife are a British couple that came to NZ for a bit of an adventure after our wedding before we planned on returning to UK to buy a house & settle down & start a family.
We really enjoyed it out here and decided to stay longer, it’s now been 7 years. We have been successful with jobs & now manage a large dairy farm with a good income, more than I think we would make in the UK & have 2 young daughters, aged 5 & 2.
I have epilepsy & can’t drive & we live on a dairy farm outside of town, so I can’t go anywhere without help & I feel trapped. I really miss the public transport we once had in the UK.
To be honest I have no interest in dairy farming, my wife has a true passion for it & is amazing, I just spend my time at home & feel like I’m wasting my life away.
I envy those in normal lives back in the UK, living in estates, closer to family, children spending time with their grandparents, buses around, freedom. Better education for the girls. I’m conscious that our parents are constantly growing older too & feel we’re missing out on those final years.
I have told my wife how I feel, she isn’t as close to her parents & doesn’t like mine. We never agreed this would be forever but we have achieved residency and she has no plan on ever going back. It really upsets her when I mention it & she came to me in tears telling me I could go if I really wanted & take the girls too - but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all.
I think if we didn’t have the girls I’d already be there but it breaks my heart to see her cry, I don’t want to ruin her life when she works so hard, and I don’t want to upset them when they love their mum so much. But surely I’m allowed a life too, I just don’t know what to do.”
What would your answer be?
I just tried this with a couple of (female) friends. When they got to the bit that reads: “but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all” they both said « Well then don’t ».
“Me & my wife are a British couple that came to NZ for a bit of an adventure after our wedding before we planned on returning to UK to buy a house & settle down & start a family.
We really enjoyed it out here and decided to stay longer, it’s now been 7 years. We have been successful with jobs & now manage a large dairy farm with a good income, more than I think we would make in the UK & have 2 young daughters, aged 5 & 2.
I have epilepsy & can’t drive & we live on a dairy farm outside of town, so I can’t go anywhere without help & I feel trapped. I really miss the public transport we once had in the UK.
To be honest I have no interest in dairy farming, my wife has a true passion for it & is amazing, I just spend my time at home & feel like I’m wasting my life away.
I envy those in normal lives back in the UK, living in estates, closer to family, children spending time with their grandparents, buses around, freedom. Better education for the girls. I’m conscious that our parents are constantly growing older too & feel we’re missing out on those final years.
I have told my wife how I feel, she isn’t as close to her parents & doesn’t like mine. We never agreed this would be forever but we have achieved residency and she has no plan on ever going back. It really upsets her when I mention it & she came to me in tears telling me I could go if I really wanted & take the girls too - but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all.
I think if we didn’t have the girls I’d already be there but it breaks my heart to see her cry, I don’t want to ruin her life when she works so hard, and I don’t want to upset them when they love their mum so much. But surely I’m allowed a life too, I just don’t know what to do.”
What would your answer be?
I just tried this with a couple of (female) friends. When they got to the bit that reads: “but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all” they both said « Well then don’t ».
#23
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 6,148
Re: Should I go back to the UK
Here’s an interesting exercise. Imagine the OP was a man. The post would then read as follows:
“Me & my wife are a British couple that came to NZ for a bit of an adventure after our wedding before we planned on returning to UK to buy a house & settle down & start a family.
We really enjoyed it out here and decided to stay longer, it’s now been 7 years. We have been successful with jobs & now manage a large dairy farm with a good income, more than I think we would make in the UK & have 2 young daughters, aged 5 & 2.
I have epilepsy & can’t drive & we live on a dairy farm outside of town, so I can’t go anywhere without help & I feel trapped. I really miss the public transport we once had in the UK.
To be honest I have no interest in dairy farming, my wife has a true passion for it & is amazing, I just spend my time at home & feel like I’m wasting my life away.
I envy those in normal lives back in the UK, living in estates, closer to family, children spending time with their grandparents, buses around, freedom. Better education for the girls. I’m conscious that our parents are constantly growing older too & feel we’re missing out on those final years.
I have told my wife how I feel, she isn’t as close to her parents & doesn’t like mine. We never agreed this would be forever but we have achieved residency and she has no plan on ever going back. It really upsets her when I mention it & she came to me in tears telling me I could go if I really wanted & take the girls too - but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all.
I think if we didn’t have the girls I’d already be there but it breaks my heart to see her cry, I don’t want to ruin her life when she works so hard, and I don’t want to upset them when they love their mum so much. But surely I’m allowed a life too, I just don’t know what to do.”
What would your answer be?
I just tried this with a couple of (female) friends. When they got to the bit that reads: “but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all” they both said « Well then don’t ».
“Me & my wife are a British couple that came to NZ for a bit of an adventure after our wedding before we planned on returning to UK to buy a house & settle down & start a family.
We really enjoyed it out here and decided to stay longer, it’s now been 7 years. We have been successful with jobs & now manage a large dairy farm with a good income, more than I think we would make in the UK & have 2 young daughters, aged 5 & 2.
I have epilepsy & can’t drive & we live on a dairy farm outside of town, so I can’t go anywhere without help & I feel trapped. I really miss the public transport we once had in the UK.
To be honest I have no interest in dairy farming, my wife has a true passion for it & is amazing, I just spend my time at home & feel like I’m wasting my life away.
I envy those in normal lives back in the UK, living in estates, closer to family, children spending time with their grandparents, buses around, freedom. Better education for the girls. I’m conscious that our parents are constantly growing older too & feel we’re missing out on those final years.
I have told my wife how I feel, she isn’t as close to her parents & doesn’t like mine. We never agreed this would be forever but we have achieved residency and she has no plan on ever going back. It really upsets her when I mention it & she came to me in tears telling me I could go if I really wanted & take the girls too - but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all.
I think if we didn’t have the girls I’d already be there but it breaks my heart to see her cry, I don’t want to ruin her life when she works so hard, and I don’t want to upset them when they love their mum so much. But surely I’m allowed a life too, I just don’t know what to do.”
What would your answer be?
I just tried this with a couple of (female) friends. When they got to the bit that reads: “but they love their mum a lot, she’s a good mum & I’d feel awful to ruin it all” they both said « Well then don’t ».
#24
Re: Should I go back to the UK
Not really. You can reshuffle the story a number of ways, but the universally-recognized special bond that a mother has with her children (in almost all cases, and certainly up to at least the age of 10-12) transcends all other elements of the OP's story and any attempts to rejig it.
#25
Just Joined
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 19
Re: Should I go back to the UK
Not really. You can reshuffle the story a number of ways, but the universally-recognized special bond that a mother has with her children (in almost all cases, and certainly up to at least the age of 10-12) transcends all other elements of the OP's story and any attempts to rejig it.
I do also think. though, that in people’s responses to the OP there’s been an ever so slightly condescending assumption that she needs to be treated with kid gloves. If it were a man in similar circumstances I reckon
no. 1 there’d be more talk of responsibilities and no 2 it would be assumed he could take the odd sarcastic comment on the nose.
#26
Re: Should I go back to the UK
Yes, fair point. I think you’re right.
I do also think. though, that in people’s responses to the OP there’s been an ever so slightly condescending assumption that she needs to be treated with kid gloves. If it were a man in similar circumstances I reckon
no. 1 there’d be more talk of responsibilities and no 2 it would be assumed he could take the odd sarcastic comment on the nose.
I do also think. though, that in people’s responses to the OP there’s been an ever so slightly condescending assumption that she needs to be treated with kid gloves. If it were a man in similar circumstances I reckon
no. 1 there’d be more talk of responsibilities and no 2 it would be assumed he could take the odd sarcastic comment on the nose.
#27
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2005
Location: In a large village called Auckland
Posts: 5,249
Re: Should I go back to the UK
I guess any of us that have been in lockdown this past few weeks and in NZ will have had a taste of how it feels to be the OP. It's bad enough being in a major city in NZ, far less a rural farming community at this time if you can't get out of the house and see people or interact with people outside of your bubble.
Just a few thoughts around that scenario; we've all had to learn some new skills these past few weeks in connecting with people via zoom meetings and working from home is, I feel, going to become the new normal for many more people. I wonder if OliviaRose couldn't tap into that job market ahead of the curve, as it were and have a look for some remote work you can do at home. At least it might help to add a new dimension to alleviate the feeling of being trapped. I haven't left the house for a whole week and am so looking forward to my trip to the supermarket today. The other highlight of my week was an online meeting with my work colleagues via Zoom, really I have never been so pleased to see them. LOL
You could reach out to some support groups to see what is available to you such as: https://epilepsyfoundation.org.nz/ep...-new-zealand-2 or look at assisted driving services such as Driving Miss Daisy if you have franchise nearby https://drivingmissdaisy.co.nz/what-we-do/ I guess these types of services may have some connotations of old biddies going to hospital but really sounds like you need some 'me time' and there may be some other similar services that might be able to help you get out of the house, even if it is to volunteer one day a week in a shop, or some pampering something fun for you such as getting your hair or nails done.
Online yoga and exercise classes are all the go at the moment and being offered by many places on Zoom, a lot of them for free and offers a few minutes to catch up and see some other friendly faces. Tap into your local Facebook community group, or start one - it can help see what's going and can help you feel a bit more closer to the action. Also perhaps some online study can help connect with the outside world as they will have chat groups, online skype meeetings and such like.
Or you could come and 'chat' and talk rubbish with us on the NZ forum on here.
Just a few thoughts around that scenario; we've all had to learn some new skills these past few weeks in connecting with people via zoom meetings and working from home is, I feel, going to become the new normal for many more people. I wonder if OliviaRose couldn't tap into that job market ahead of the curve, as it were and have a look for some remote work you can do at home. At least it might help to add a new dimension to alleviate the feeling of being trapped. I haven't left the house for a whole week and am so looking forward to my trip to the supermarket today. The other highlight of my week was an online meeting with my work colleagues via Zoom, really I have never been so pleased to see them. LOL
You could reach out to some support groups to see what is available to you such as: https://epilepsyfoundation.org.nz/ep...-new-zealand-2 or look at assisted driving services such as Driving Miss Daisy if you have franchise nearby https://drivingmissdaisy.co.nz/what-we-do/ I guess these types of services may have some connotations of old biddies going to hospital but really sounds like you need some 'me time' and there may be some other similar services that might be able to help you get out of the house, even if it is to volunteer one day a week in a shop, or some pampering something fun for you such as getting your hair or nails done.
Online yoga and exercise classes are all the go at the moment and being offered by many places on Zoom, a lot of them for free and offers a few minutes to catch up and see some other friendly faces. Tap into your local Facebook community group, or start one - it can help see what's going and can help you feel a bit more closer to the action. Also perhaps some online study can help connect with the outside world as they will have chat groups, online skype meeetings and such like.
Or you could come and 'chat' and talk rubbish with us on the NZ forum on here.
Last edited by Bo-Jangles; Apr 16th 2020 at 9:39 pm.
#28
Re: Should I go back to the UK
You could reach out to some support groups to see what is available to you such as: https://epilepsyfoundation.org.nz/ep...-new-zealand-2 or look at assisted driving services such as Driving Miss Daisy if you have franchise nearby https://drivingmissdaisy.co.nz/what-we-do/ I guess these types of services may have some connotations of old biddies going to hospital but really sounds like you need some 'me time' and there may be some other similar services that might be able to help you get out of the house, even if it is to volunteer one day a week in a shop, or some pampering something fun for you such as getting your hair or nails done.
Online yoga and exercise classes are all the go at the moment and being offered by many places on Zoom, a lot of them for free and offers a few minutes to catch up and see some other friendly faces. Tap into your local Facebook community group, or start one - it can help see what's going and can help you feel a bit more closer to the action. Also perhaps some online study can help connect with the outside world as they will have chat groups, online skype meeetings and such like.
Or you could come and 'chat' and talk rubbish with us on the NZ forum on here.
Online yoga and exercise classes are all the go at the moment and being offered by many places on Zoom, a lot of them for free and offers a few minutes to catch up and see some other friendly faces. Tap into your local Facebook community group, or start one - it can help see what's going and can help you feel a bit more closer to the action. Also perhaps some online study can help connect with the outside world as they will have chat groups, online skype meeetings and such like.
Or you could come and 'chat' and talk rubbish with us on the NZ forum on here.
#29
Re: Should I go back to the UK
I guess any of us that have been in lockdown this past few weeks and in NZ will have had a taste of how it feels to be the OP. It's bad enough being in a major city in NZ, far less a rural farming community at this time if you can't get out of the house and see people or interact with people outside of your bubble.
Just a few thoughts around that scenario; we've all had to learn some new skills these past few weeks in connecting with people via zoom meetings and working from home is, I feel, going to become the new normal for many more people. I wonder if OliviaRose couldn't tap into that job market ahead of the curve, as it were and have a look for some remote work you can do at home. At least it might help to add a new dimension to alleviate the feeling of being trapped. I haven't left the house for a whole week and am so looking forward to my trip to the supermarket today. The other highlight of my week was an online meeting with my work colleagues via Zoom, really I have never been so pleased to see them. LOL
You could reach out to some support groups to see what is available to you such as: https://epilepsyfoundation.org.nz/ep...-new-zealand-2 or look at assisted driving services such as Driving Miss Daisy if you have franchise nearby https://drivingmissdaisy.co.nz/what-we-do/ I guess these types of services may have some connotations of old biddies going to hospital but really sounds like you need some 'me time' and there may be some other similar services that might be able to help you get out of the house, even if it is to volunteer one day a week in a shop, or some pampering something fun for you such as getting your hair or nails done.
Online yoga and exercise classes are all the go at the moment and being offered by many places on Zoom, a lot of them for free and offers a few minutes to catch up and see some other friendly faces. Tap into your local Facebook community group, or start one - it can help see what's going and can help you feel a bit more closer to the action. Also perhaps some online study can help connect with the outside world as they will have chat groups, online skype meeetings and such like.
Or you could come and 'chat' and talk rubbish with us on the NZ forum on here.
Just a few thoughts around that scenario; we've all had to learn some new skills these past few weeks in connecting with people via zoom meetings and working from home is, I feel, going to become the new normal for many more people. I wonder if OliviaRose couldn't tap into that job market ahead of the curve, as it were and have a look for some remote work you can do at home. At least it might help to add a new dimension to alleviate the feeling of being trapped. I haven't left the house for a whole week and am so looking forward to my trip to the supermarket today. The other highlight of my week was an online meeting with my work colleagues via Zoom, really I have never been so pleased to see them. LOL
You could reach out to some support groups to see what is available to you such as: https://epilepsyfoundation.org.nz/ep...-new-zealand-2 or look at assisted driving services such as Driving Miss Daisy if you have franchise nearby https://drivingmissdaisy.co.nz/what-we-do/ I guess these types of services may have some connotations of old biddies going to hospital but really sounds like you need some 'me time' and there may be some other similar services that might be able to help you get out of the house, even if it is to volunteer one day a week in a shop, or some pampering something fun for you such as getting your hair or nails done.
Online yoga and exercise classes are all the go at the moment and being offered by many places on Zoom, a lot of them for free and offers a few minutes to catch up and see some other friendly faces. Tap into your local Facebook community group, or start one - it can help see what's going and can help you feel a bit more closer to the action. Also perhaps some online study can help connect with the outside world as they will have chat groups, online skype meeetings and such like.
Or you could come and 'chat' and talk rubbish with us on the NZ forum on here.