cricket1again

He hasn't been diagnosed with Aspergers or any other syndrome so you have to be careful that you don't end up giving him a problem when he hasn't got one yet. No one had heard of ASDS or whatever it's now called until they gave it a name.
He might just be plain old angry about something way back in his life. My daughter has been angry since she was three years old. This is when her real father walked out of her life and has never contacted her since. She's made us all pay but we still love her. She's 27 now and I've been to hell and back with both her and all the various psychologists.
Now we've all agreed that she's naturally a fruitcake, life is a whole lot easier. She's got a difficult personality but she becomes a better person every day for being loved and cherished. I don't look for problems in her anymore. I just accept she is who she is, be grateful for all of her best and ask for guidance when I don't know how to cope with her worst.
She's never taken pills and neither have I. We got through it together. Just stay strong, stay still and give him lots of love.

quoll

Good point Cricket - actually searching for labels can be counterproductive and sometimes it can stop people moving forwards because the label is there as an excuse for them failing to take responsibility. Diagnosis is not a thing done lightly by most reputable practitioners and it takes quite a work up to get it right.

JCSUPERMOTO

Send your own 11 yr oldchild away?
Give up on him?

Theres people in this world who Shouldnt be able to have children!

Sally Simpson

Bit harsh don't you think?

ukintexas

I have to admit that was my first reaction to reading this post too, but I refrained from posting that initially as I wanted to see what more came to light. I'm glad I trusted my instinct to refrain as although I still believe the 11year old should stay with mum and dad, I completely see the angst the mum is in over it which seems to be down to the Aunt and Mother in the UK. At first it could have been misconstrued that the mum was looking for an "easy" way out in terms of removing the son from their day to day lives, but it has become apparent that that is far from her thoughts.
How lovely that the BE community has offered such heartfelt support and advice.
To the OP, I can offer nothing practical in terms of understanding the experiences you are going through, but as a mum I can at least sympathize with how hard it must be for you right now. I'm pleased you've found support here and having read the thread, I think you've been given some good advice from others. I really hope you continue to inform us of how things are going. Good luck.

JCSUPERMOTO

I have skipped a few pages i must admit(still havent read page 2)

While i dont know what wrong with the 11yr old chappie or mother/amily,maybe im missing a big piece of the puzzle but i personally could never contemplate send my own children some where else to live.

I know peeps who would seriously chop off there arm to just have a child to love.

Mummy in the foothills

Thats a bit harsh.
I don't see as she's giving up on him. She sounds desperate enough to try and do anything to help him. If that means him going back and not being with her she'd do that for him. So long as he gets the help he needs and is happy. She'd probably miss him so bad. I think if one of mine had to go back to have a normal life we'd all go with him.
Mums will do whatever it takes for the kids (most of us anyway)

JCSUPERMOTO

I put a question mark by giving up,which implied i was asking?

I am trully gutted for her due to the awfull dilema they are in,but she should go wherever her child should go!

Like i say i know that there are awfull choices to be made in life,but send my own child away to live without me,well it would never happen

srah

Some friends of ours got divorced many years ago when their only child was 9 yrs at the time.

The son was very very close to his Dad and although very emotional for his Mum she relented and the boy lived with his Dad after the divorce. The Mum knew it was the right decision for the boy to live with his Dad....she lived not a million miles away and they all saw each other regularly. The son has grown into a fine twentysomething and loves both parents equally.

My point is, I think it's admirable for the parent to let go and do what they feel is right for their child however difficult a decision it might be.

jmh

Kids of that age like stability, and having choices as big as what country to live in are just too big to deal with. I think Cricket is right, remove the option of going back to the UK and concentrate on the life you have now. I also agree with the others that you should get professional help. You probably won't 'cure' him, but it might help you to get guidance so you can feel you are making good decisions. Because you feel unsure you are susceptible to the influence of those whose main agenda might be getting the family back to the UK. You are his parent, and you are responsible for making decisions about his welfare. It sounds like you were prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice as a mother and send him away, but I don't think this will help him, or the rest of the family.

Clangers

Good to hear that!!! I'm doing the move back to the Uk with my soon to be 13 yr old...and am sure we'll have some very down days....but I'll hold his hand and guide him through it, and will definitely give it a good year before giving in, but by then....hopefully he will have settled in and will be having a blast....
Thanks...

kar-kier

Thanks again for all the responses.

We have told him, and the family back home, that he is staying put - end of!! We are going explore the route of private psych help, and see how that goes.
Cricket1 - thanks so much for your honest, helpful advice.
I have looked at aspbergers, and though some of it fits, the majority doesn't. Someone mentioned about it being something way, way far back that has had an effect on him - funnily enough all the behaviour problems started around the time his biological father decided that he didn't want to see him at all (he barely saw him before that, so didn't think it would make much difference) - maybe this is something that needs to be explored!
I know some of you think that the easy option is to send my son away, and that I am a bad person for doing so, but if i TRULY believed (which i don't) that was the best thing for him, no matter how much it hurt me, I would let him go back.

Kareena

jmh

I think you've hit the nail on the head re his father Kareena. My SIL's father walked away when she was three and she still feels rejected. Not talking about it doesn't help. Getting this issue out in the open with professional help may be worth exploring.

srah

Exactly, that's why I feel that whatever you decide to do will be in the best interest for the child and not just you. Good luck to you and your son.

JCSUPERMOTO

Fair play for standing up and digging in there!!!
Now you say your son might have some bad memories from his father not being there,then maybe him moving away from his mom might of been a step too much.

Hope it all works out