cathy22w

I am a Behaviour Specialist. I disagree that a psychologist would be no help - I think a psychologist would be a great help for your son.

Hard to speak without knowing all the ins and outs of everything, but really I would pursue all your options before sending him back.

cricket1again

Just to add a bit more practical help. My daughter had a problem when she was younger following a bereavement. Previously she'd grown up thinking everyone lived happily ever after and just couldn't cope with someone dying. Without realising, I'd encouraged her to say her prayers at night and she'd prayed that God would 'save' the person.
You can imagine how angry she became at both God and me when the person still died! It's so hard wondering how a child translates such events into their minds.
Anyway, we focused so hard on her that one day I noticed my son piling on weight and I found empty biscuit wrappers and chocolate wrappers all hidden in his room. In trying to sort out my daughter, we hadn't realised how he was being affected and he had turned to comfort eating.
Again, terribly hard being a parent and trying to do the right thing. She had all the counselling, school psychologist, etc, etc. She was regarded as totally normal while my poor son developed a problem.

Both my children are now adults. My son is an athelitic, slim, happy, charming guy and my daughter is still a grumpy, moody but lovely person successful in her career and life generally. It's all still all my fault when she gets upset but it goes over my head now. But basically, there are no real issues. They are both OK and so am I.

If your son was unhappy before you left the UK, then returning him would mean he would just take the problem home with him.
I would just like to say that sometimes, children don't know why they are unhappy and sometimes it can take a long time for them to understand themselves.
The best thing is just try and carry on as a family while supporting the one who seems to be the most vulnerable. Be careful though because kids can quickly learn to use moods as a form of control and blackmail.
Just stick with him and keep working at it.

cricket1again

How do you know the dog isn't for the son who is unhappy?

cricket1again

PS Kareena, maybe post on a family and parents forum to see if you can get some extra help and advice there too. You won't be the only parent experiencing problems with an unhappy child. Good luck.

love30stm

hmmm well Ive been in New Zealand for nearly two years and my daughter still hates it here and constantly goes on about the UK, it makes me feel guilty too, she don't go to school she does a correspondence course so shes pretty much stuck indoors, not making any friends! and wont do anything about it. and before you all give me advice , shes not miserable, shes better than she was , we had a tough time with her for a long while, under the doctor and with the school.

so it don't work for everyone, I just one day she will wake up , grow up and get on with it!!

love30stm

and any advice would be appreciated to make me feel I cant loose hope!

cricket1again

I don't know what to say except being locked in her own little world probably is keeping her and you very isolated. If it's any help, I have a friend who has a 13 year old daughter. They've been here 2 years. It's funny to watch......the daughter makes her mum miserable by telling her how much she hates being here. Consequently, her mum buys her lots of things and devotes a lot of time trying to keep her happy because she's on a permanent guilt trip.
Meanwhile, outside the home and away from her mum, the daughter tells everyone how great it is here and how she loves it!
Kids are soooo clever these days.
I think you have to be loving but very firm sometimes. Have you been back to the UK for a holiday?

love30stm

hmmm my daughter is nearly 16, and no she dont stop me from doing my thing either!!

and yes we are going back to the uk on 12th June for two weeks just me and her,

my other daughter on the other hand whos 13 loves it here!! so what do you make of that..

love30stm

well at least her daughter goes outside and socialises I worry about her future, not going out and making any friends, although she does go out with my youngest daughter sometimes!

and does not help the fact that I have not many friends here either!

kar-kier

First of all I would like to thank everyone for their honest answers! And with regards to the dog, it was for him, thought it might buy me sometime to let him adjust to life here . . . and not want to leave his dog!

Matty has ALWAYS been a difficult child, but not with me, he acted up in nursery, then in school, and was even suspended for fighting! If you met Matty outwith school, you wouldn't believe he was like that - he is mannerly and polite. The behaviour issues are not new - the strange thing is that when his brother was born, he became the model pupil . . and then we arranged to leave the country and things started to SLOWLY go back to the way they were.

I have looked into Aspergers many, many times - I even did my dissertation on additional support needs! I feel that there is something wrong, I was a teacher in the UK, i taught kids his age, and he is just not like them! In one way he is VERY mature and often prefers adult company to childrens, on the other had he is very immature and to be perfectly honest pisses the other kids off - he has few friends and does not cope well in social settings!

Only being here for 4 months I have few friends, so the only people i really talk to about the problem are my mum and my aunt - who constantly tell me I should send him back to them! He is VERY close to both of them, and to be perfectly honest I know he would choose my aunt over me, he sees her as a second mother.

With regards to the father situation - biological father wanted nothing to do with him and has left the UK. Matty calls my husband dad, and as far as he is concerned that is his dad!

I truly don't know what to do. I just wanted so unbiased answers, hence why I posted here - people to read the facts and reply honestly, without thinking about what they want!!

I feel he should stay, and my husband is adamant that he will stay - it's the constant push from back home, that keeps telling me that I am not putting him first!

Thanks

Kareena

BAY

Great post Kar-kier.

If not aspergers it sounds like another form of autism, as he finds socialising with other children a problem. My nephew is autistic and another close friend's son has just been diagnosed with a form of autism. The biggest problem they both had was getting the right professional help and gettting it properly diagnosed. They both knew something wasn't quite right but then what and where should you go ? Most doctors aren't qualified to assess it properly.

With regard to making friends my wife has made some great friends by joining a Mum's group and a Playgroup for our 21 month old daughter.

All the best.

cricket1again

Here's what I would do but it's only my suggestions. He probably has too many options especially if he thinks he could go back to England. This will keep him in a state of confusion.

I'd close a few a doors just so that he has to start settling down and looking forwards to his new life. It's only been a short time so he's got to start feeling some sense of security about his new surroundings. Firstly, tell him that his grandmother and aunt are a great holiday option. For now, he is staying put with mum, dad and 'the family'.

Then get him a dog so he can at least bond with something. It will also give him something to care for and a playmate too. A small dog might be best so that he can pick it up and cuddle it and maybe take it to bed with him if you don't mind.
Do anything you can to help him put down roots here because this is where he needs to be. You can't send him home because a) he's too young and b) your mum or the aunts situation could change then his world will be turned upside down again.

Just remove the option for him going back to England, give him loads of hugs then see how he copes with this for starts. It's still all new, huge changes for all the family, Australia is not the easiest place to feel at home so it's all baby steps. Just give it time. I wish you luck and patience.

Ps Let us know what kind of dog you get.

Sally Simpson

Your mum & sister have a vested interest in pushing for his return to the UK & I doubt very much if they have looked at the possible harmful effects of such a move. You & your husband really are the only ones who can make tis decision, not them & most certainly not an 11 yr old child!
Get some professional help, see your GP & ask for a referral. This needs to be your priority, not getting a dog!
Good luck with it all!

quoll

You really do need some professional support here. Too bad if the teacher doesnt think he needs a psychologist - go above her head and ask for one and, much cheaper than sending him back, if they wont arrange for an assessment then go ahead and get one done privately. There could be any number of reasons why a young fellow has got himself into this state and you really do need to start at the beginning with an ed psych or similar.

I can think of instances where it might be good for him to go back but without a thorough work up and assessment you would be hard pushed to make that decision on what you have chosen to share with us.

Good luck

Celtic Princess

Here is the most useful website I found for info on Aspergers. You may find the section on subtypes interesting, I certainly did.

http://life.familyeducation.com/aspe...tml?detoured=1