kar-kier

My eldest son who is 11 is not settling at all, he misses the rest of the family too much, is having trouble at school - both with other children and his own challenging behaviour. He says he wants to go back, and my mother has said she will keep him. His education is starting to suffer due to his constant misbehaviour, so we are seriously thinking about sending him back, where my aunt will home school him. He is very keen on the idea. Financially my husband and I can't go back - neither of us have jobs etc and it would be totally unpractical - we also have a toddler who is nearly 2.

So, has anyone any experience of having part of your family move back to the UK, while the rest stayed abroad?

Kareena

dingbat

Yes, but mine was much older at seventeen. At eleven, an important age developmentally anyway, your son might be adversely affected by such a decision if he already has some challenges. I would not recommend it. Despite your son stating he is keen on the idea, he is really too young to understand the implications, and may end up feeling rejected as the problem child. Have you sought out professional help where you are first?

srah

We have friends that did just that. They moved to NZ 4 yrs ago and it split the family up as regards the children. Their 12 yr old returned to the UK and his old school. He lives with his aunt and is doing well in his education. However I hear on the grapevine he no longer feels part of the family unit and when they meet up for holidays he doesn't know his sibling.

Guess you can only try it and see if it works for all of you as seems it's not working as is.

Good luck.

kar-kier

We tried professional help back in the UK, and were told there was no problem. He is miserable here, and it is heart breaking not knowing how to make it better. I spoke to his current teacher about getting in a psych, but she said that she felt it would do no good, as he is unable to tell you WHY he did something, yet can tell you what he SHOULD have done.

I am very worried that it could tear the two boys apart - for one thing, my eldest is from a previous relationship, and I'd never want him to think that was the reason he is leaving. In saying that, it is him that wants to go.

So hard!

Kareena

srah

So you knew of his issues with the relocation before you left the UK ....seems he has now dug his feet in.

Could you move back with him and your other child and source out work for your husband?

BAY

So he had issues in the UK before you came to Australia ? Surely sending him back to the UK wouldn't be the answer, the issues would still be there ... and would become worse if his parents aren't there to help : he'd feel abandoned and that his parents weren't interested and didn't care etc etc.

'it is him that wants to go' ... wtf, he's only 11, he's not old enough to make that decission How can you ever consider sending him back on his own , unbelievable. If you think its best for him to go back, then you should all go back together.

You need professional help with regard to his behaviour, has he been diagnosed with anything .... i.e. is he autistic ?

With respect to asking his teacher whether he should see a pysch , the teacher isn't qualified to tell you what to do !!

IMHO if he did go back to the UK and was taught at home by his aunt he'd just become a loner, with no social skills, and the problems would become worse.

Celtic Princess

I have similar issues with my daughter but there is no way I would send her back and she is 15. (Although there are times when I could kill her and bury her in the garden.)

She also had problems back in the UK and I was told that there was nothing wrong with her too, despite numerous doctors, psychologists and specialists visits. Since being here she has been diagnosed with Aspergers, a form of autism. Her teachers and school doctors here said there was nothing wrong with her too but I pushed and pushed until she got to see a real specialist. He could tell straight away what the problem was.

He says that the reason these children don't know why they did something wrong is because they don't know why. They know that they shouldn't do something but they don't feel that they shouldn't do it. I've read loads of books about Aspergers now and it's like they were written just about my daughter.

What I'm trying to say is that if your gut tells you that he needs help, don't be palmed off by those who know because they don't know him as well as you do.

Good luck.

Chi_town

Do the problems extend back about 2 years or so? In other words, do you think he is somewhat resentful of his brother, being that your second child is your OH's biological child? Does he get on with your OH? Is his dad in the picture at all?

Not trying to be nosey but just trying to look at this objectively.

I agree with previous posters that 11 is really too young to know what he wants to do on such a crucial matter as leaving the family and effectively only seeing you maybe what once a year, if? Also, to be honest, if it was my son, I couldn't bear to send him back, even if I knew he was going to be well cared for by family. I would miss him terribly. I know it seems like the somewhat easy solution, that he will be back in the UK hopefuly getting settled and you can get along with your life. But, I really think it could cause a multitude of problems for this young boy, in terms of feeling rejected, further down the line.

So, what would I do if in your shoes? I think I would really try to get some help for him, to start with just someone he can talk to, so you can get to the bottom of his issues. It could be as simple as the lad is lonely and needs another adult outside the family to shares his thoughts and anxieties with.
Also work hard to get him some buddies if he doesn't already have a few. Join him in lots of clubs, activities etc. Spend as much time as you can with him, have Dad take the toddler off for a few afternoons and have some Mom and son time, without the distraction of the 2 year old, which I know from experience can demand a lot more attention.


Good luck, I hope you can work thru this.

teza

No offence but given your previous comments you have only been here few months, and I would think hard to make such life chancing (for your son) decicions as sending him back so soon.

dunroving

Tough situation, but I agree with the majority of comments that I would not send him back to the UK, for many reasons. Get him some help (someone to talk to), but let him know that no-one is going anywhere. I think turning him into a (solo) ping-pong Pom at 11 could have long-term effects.

I also agree that home-schooling in the UK would be detrimental to his social skills, especially in combination with his experiences in Oz schools and being away from his family.

If he gets the help and support he needs and works his way through this, he will grow heaps and learn resilience.

Fleaflyfloflum

With all due respect, i have just read your thread in the barbie about wanting to get a dog!!!
I think you have enough on your plate to deal with right now.

If you sent an 11yr old boy who didnt already have emotional problems away at that age it could have disasterous effects for them, let alone one who is already struggling.
You say he would stay with your mum (or was it aunt?) If thats the case would you not all be better trying to go back home?

srah

I agree with lots of your comments. I am thinking the issues the son had back in the UK were just relating to his overseas move....hopefully the OP will return with more info.

Bermudashorts

I think this is a no brainer to be honest. Of course you cannot send him back by himself and expect that his relationship with his brother and the rest of you will not change and that he will not suffer from abandonment issues..

N1cky

Sorry Kareena, although I sypathize with your situation I think its a crazy idea to send him back. He's 11 years old, I know families can have complex relationships but, presumably as he is going back to live with your mum and not his paternal father would he not feel totally abandoned? 1st dad then mum??

And why would he be home schooled by your aunt? In this situation he wouldn't be making any friends or leading a normal 11 year olds life.

My child was much younger than yours when we moved out here so I can't compare, but we had problems too. We talked them over as a family, we shared lots of tears (we still do from time to time), and made a promise that if anyone was still extremely unhappy after 12 months we would return to the UK, even if we had to bunk down with family until we found jobs.

Maybe you could try family counselling, so your son can see that you are all in it together and that he is an important part of the family unit.

Good luck, I wish you well

cricket1again

Just to give you a bit of a positive spin, I wouldn't send him back. He'll get fed up of being miserable as long as you don't give into it. My sone was older when he arrived here but he was depressed for approx 6 months after moving. I was wracked with guilt but stuck by him and got through it.

Today, he's a high flying real estate agent on the Gold Coast, very happy, goes between the UK and Oz, is building his own home, getting married and well......I've never seen him happier or more content to be honest.
Sometimes, you have to go the hardest route to get the best result. Keep him close to you and keep stability as the priority.