Return to UK?
 

I am having a bit of a dilemma...We moved to NZ last June and I got an RRV through applying as the wife of an NZ citizen (husband has dual nationality with GB). We are enjoying it here and wanted to initially stay for 2 years or long enough (can be slightly under this) for me to qualify for permanent NZ residency. Then we would return for a period to the UK.

I do like it here but I have also found I miss family and friends far more than I anticipated. I would have carried on as I was but now I am nearly 3 months pregnant and expecting a baby in July.

I am sure this should not affect things but it has for me and in a way it seems I would just be staying here to say I did what I came out to do and get my residency visa. I really feel that I want to travel back in April and have the baby at home. Would I feel guilty though as we are set up here jobs and flat wise? I think the problem is that I feel whatever decision I make next year, I am then really stuck with it as would not want to fly after April so would have to go or stay and stick with the decision.

This would obviously not leave us long to try to get ready to go home if we did this (Jan-April). If we stayed I would want to go home at Christmas time (would then qualify for the residency). My parents may be able to come out for a month or so to help with the baby. I am qutie a nervous person and really quite a home body despite now living in NZ! Husband and I are essentially self employed which we have built up from nothing. I don't see that we would not be able to use even 10 months experience to build a similar career in the UK. People say that we would have too much stress to find a house/job/antenatal classes/hospital in the time we would have. However, I am not a very comfortable flyer so travelling with a 5 month old may also be stressful!

I am really getting in a stress about this. I have equal amounts of family members advising either way with parents opting to say they think on balance I should stay. Grrrgggh! advice please!

Fish

Re: Return to UK?
 

If I were in your shoes I'd stay for residency. Then you're free to do what you want. It's (relatively) a small amount of time to sacrifice for a whole lot of choices!!
Best of luck whatever you decide!
Above all, try & chill.......enjoy your pregnancy.....

Re: Return to UK?
 

Thanks for replying. Sometimes, this is what I think too but then really I think I long to be home for something like this. Both to get support and share with family and friends (some of whom will never be able to travel out here and some of whome may not be there when I get back as very frail). Perhaps this makes me a wimp but I am not fond of hospitals and am very very scared about the whole having a baby/pregnancy/looking after a baby thing. I am excited too, don't get me wrong. I like NZ, but I don't absolutely LOVE it enough to stay so it would just be the residency.

The other worry I have is that I have some very close friends and family back home and am reluctant to stay much longer because of this. I know this sounds daft, but if we are not going to stay here forever, then it is only the residency (and potential stress of coming back in April) that is keeping me. It would also (presumably) also be stressful travelling back with a 5 month old next Christmas.

I worry that whatever I decide is then permanent and I will say ok stay as it seems what every one else thinks is the right thing. Then June will come and July and I will be panicked and wish I was at home in the UK!

Anyway, thanks for listening. I am really confused at the moment about it all.

Fishpond

Re: Return to UK?
 

Fishpond,
Bless your hormonal heart, nothing is forever. Also, one flight with a baby is do..able?
Don't panick

Re: Return to UK?
 

Hi Fishpond,

We are in NZ and have been for the past 4 years. We are leaving in 4 days to return to the UK. Whereabouts in NZ are you? Have you registered with a midwife here and if so, perhaps she could put you in touch with other soon to be mums who you could befriend. It really helps to have someone in the same position as you. It's only natural to feel scared being so far from home and especially if it's your first baby. My last baby was born here and I couldn't fault the care which I had. Saying that I had equally good care back in the UK (it all depends where you live). If you do decide to stay and travel back to the UK with a 5 month old, it should be a doodle. At that age they tend to sleep in between feeds, so it may not be as bad as what you think. Try and enjoy your pregnancy (it will go quick) and best of luck for the future.

Mandy. :)

Re: Return to UK?
 

hi
im really sorry you feel like you do, especially when being pregnant should be a time of happiness :rolleyes:
no one can tell you what to do but the only advice i can give, is to look at what YOU need and try not to let the fact you are pregnant/have a baby be a stumbling block or reason to procrastinate.
as someone else said, travelling with a 5mnth is probably the easiest time to travel with a baby (trust me ive done it!) they do sleep all the time and arent aware of a lots of things older kids may pick up on at the time.
So take that out of the equation, it is not an impossible thing to do and in the scheme of things you have bigger decisions to make.
do you think you may be saying this because you might think it best to stay in NZ? try to check out your motives and rationalise any blocks you may put in the way. once you get the minor challenges/inconviences out of the way, it might seem clearer for you.
whatever you gut reaction when you take all that away is, plan to work with that.
good luck to you and remember nothing is set in stone.
just remember, next year you will have a beautiful addition to your family bringing you joy wherever you are. :)
take care
c

Re: Return to UK?
 

Hi Fishpond,

I have recently joined and have just read all your posts with great interest as I am in a similar situation. The only difference is, I am in Italy and am from the UK. We are expecting a baby next May and I want to go home for the birth as it is what I know (He/she will be our 4th). My husband, however, thinks we should all stay here, due to the upheaval etc of children in schools and having to rent somewhere in the UK for a short amount of time. I am going back for scans as I cannot understand the Italian system.. I am half way through and haven't had a single check up at the doctors.

It sounds like your mind is made up about going back so I would go with it. What does your husband think? Is he putting pressure on you to stay or is he relaxed about the idea? I understand completely about wanting to be near family and friends. I miss mine too and we also have the language barrier as I don't speak Italian. The whole hospital thing is very scary for me as Italy is about 50 years behind the UK and even tell you which position to give birth in in some hospitals!!! Why don't you visit a couple of hospitals and check out what they have and how they do things? Also, have you joined an pre-natal group yet? If you met some people a similar age with a baby due at the same time, I am sure it would make you feel better to chat through your fears/worries from the birth point of view. However, if it is the family and friends you really need, then the only solution is to go back. BUT, would you want to return??? That will be hard. Can I ask, why are you staying to get residency when it doesn't sound like you want to be permanently in NZ??

My 2 cents of advice is to write down very clearly YOUR wishes for the birth and then talk with your husband honestly about it, and also a rough 1 year and 5 year plan...Where do you want to be? What do you want to be doing?? Do you want any more children?? etc...

Also, hormones are a funny thing. I have been screaming and shouting and crying at the drop of a hat and feeling very low, like I have no purpose. I have no interest in anything some days and my life is 99 per cent domestic which I hate. Don't underestimate the hormonal side, sometimes it is hard to think clearly...

One last thing, if you did stay in NZ and your parents came out, how about they come once the baby is about a month old, when you are a bit settled with routine and have got to know your baby then you would have 2 lovely events to look forward to over a longer period of time.

Hope I haven't confused the situation!! Good luck with your decision..

Sarah

Re: Return to UK?
 

Hi Sarah,

Gosh am impressed that you are managing so well with the language barrier too. I think that I was quite unprepared for the "hormonal" side to things. I have never really had PMT or anything but now I often feel quite low and overwhelmed and tired but not really physically tired often - just worn out.

I think that I feel a bit up in the air as I don't feel I want to settle here forever and I want to start my new life with a new baby at home in the UK. What puts me off is lots of others saying it will be too hard to sort out leaving here and flying home (beginning of April when will be 24 weeks) in the time we have and that I won't find a hospital etc. etc. I would have thought it was doable if we take it calmly.

I did really want the residency but I think just to say I had it in some ways and to have done what I said I would do. However, we didn't really bargain on having a baby! We had said we might try while out here but it was all rather quicker than expected really so now we have another little individual in the equation :) Exciting though that is that (and the lovely hormones) have made me quite muddled!

Really, I think I want to be at least in the same time zone/country as family and friends, stupid and feeble as that may seem to lots of brave souls on here!

Thank you all for your advice. Good luck and hope it all goes well for you returning from Italy. I have a friend in Rome - where are you? She had a baby out there I think and did find it quite bewildering even speaking fluent italian! I think you are very brave - hang on in there.
Fish