Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

What do I do??
I met my now fiance in the UK (Kent) over 3 years ago. His UK visa was running out so we decided to move to NZ. We are living in his hometown of Taupo. I cried every day for the first three months because I couldn't believe how different it was and I hated it (I still do). I'm a teacher and have a great job here which I love, it's a lot less stressful than the UK. I've found it really hard to make friends and so rely on my partner too much I think. I've tried joining various groups etc but there really isnt a lot in Taupo for people who aren't into mountain biking or running and I hate both of those! I think kiwis are really friendly and always up for a chat but it all tends to be at a surface level and no meaningful friendships have developed. My partner has applied to be a police officer, which has taken a year to this point. He goes to college for 4 months in April. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope in Taupo for 4 months without him. We are due to get married 2021. I honestly don't feel that I will ever be happy here. It's been 15 months and I miss home so much. My partner is amazing - he has been so supportive of me and makes me very happy. Unfortunately, his parents have practically disowned him since meeting me (race issues on their part) and so we have a very limited support network. We cant just pop round to see family because its like we have none here. This has put more strain on our relationship. Hubby has said that he may want to move back to uk in the future but wants to do his policing in NZ first. That's 3 more years here.
I dont know whether I can suffer it for that long. I dont want to stay for 3 years with the hope to move back, possibly bring children into the mix, for my partner to want to stay here and I still want to go back?? He is the best partner I could ask for but I really dont know whether to just cut my losses and leave? Since leaving the UK I feel like I have lost part of my identity but at the same time I dont want to move back without him and make the biggest mistake of my life in leaving him. Why is life so hard :( :(

Re: Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

A different town and away from his family may change your outlook on NZ? Why not discuss a move to a bigger town with him?
Make a fresh start in 2020 - Happy New Year

Re: Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

Sorry to hear. Before giving up completely, why not move to a different part of NZ where you have more to do? You have 3 options: Stay in Taupo 3 more years ending up miserable, leave NZ and lose your partner, or get a new job in a different part of the country.

Re: Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

I have been following your thread in the NZ forum. I sympathise with you, I struggled with homesickness/depression for many years after moving to the US. We stayed in Taupo this last October, whilst it is a lovely place to visit, I would not want to live there. NZ is a beautiful country, a fabulous country to visit, but it is far too remote for me.

If you do stay, please make sure it’s where you want to live if you have children. I say this because if you have children and your marriage/relationship fails, you cannot move back to the UK with your children unless you have their father’s permission.

Re: Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

Thanks for your replies!
Should have said, we cant move as OH has been posted in Taupo for his policing. 3 years until they will even consider a transfer :(

Re: Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

So you have three choices...stick it out for the full 3 years, return home now, or try to stay has long as you can.

FWIW I would go with the last option.

Re: Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

I can so relate to this - we moved to NZ 3 years ago and I absolutely hated it the first 9 months. Didn't help that we also settled in a small (by UK standards) city in the lower North island - having lived in the busy SE in the UK for the 16 years prior.

That's a great plus point - hang on to that. Have you tried socialising with the other teachers?

I know how tough that is - everyone has their own set of friends (even my hubby reconnected with his school friends after we moved here, whilst I was left high and dry).

What about book clubs or community education - have you got any of those over there? I signed up with English Language Partners to help other immigrants with their transition in their new country and it made me appreciate that at least I didn't have to struggle with the language aspect of the move (although I was stumped at first by the frequent use of te reo maori).

Remember meaningful relationships take years to develop - but TBH your comment about kiwis being friendly but only at surface level could be applied to any nationality I've experienced. I think once you've gone through your school/uni years you tend to have your circle of close friends and then you might add some work colleagues but that's basically your core base, so it's always going to be difficult to break into people's established lives as a newbie. But just keep on putting yourself out there.

Great to hear that your partner is supportive but even supportive partners can reach their limits - hubby and I came close to getting divorced due to my initial negativity/unhappiness in NZ. Sorry to hear his family have disowned you - that's a shame. We came here to be closer to hubby's family and it's great to be able to pop over and visit the relies as we had hardly any family in the UK and they had all moved away by the time we decided to move to NZ.

Take each day at a time - enjoy your summer holiday break atm. Are you able to travel around NZ and explore more of your new country? We had 3 family trips over before we moved here and travelled around the north island a fair bit and earlier this year my sister came over and we toured south island together and it has really made me appreciate how lucky I was that hubby came from Wanganui and not some even more desolate place on the West coast;) I think I would have died there;)

Sending you lots of hugs and if you'd like to talk feel free to pm me - I may be at a different stage in life but have experienced culture shock so know how you must be feeling.
All the best to you whatever you decide.

Re: Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

It is very hard, but my advice is just look to go back, there is no point living somewhere you are not happy with, sorry to sound negative but speaking from experience it may not get better. Give it another year but if it doesn’t improve make a call.

I am a kiwi who pulled his future Uk wife back to NZ 15 years ago, she hated it at first just like you ( homesickness, loneliness ) , she has given NZ her best shot but has never really settled here, she has tried hard to make friends and has made many but they have just never compared to her best friends back in the UK with is understandable. I guess I was raised in the fact that NZ is the greatest place on earth , friendliest people, best this! best that! blah blah blah.... , why would anyone not want to live here was what I asked when anyone doubted the place?? in effect I become selfish thinking my wife would end up loving it well some people don’t and that’s fine.

It wasn’t until a family tragedy happened recently in the UK that made me really grasp how unbelievably hard it is for my wife to live on the other side of the world and deal with an event like that. That was a huge wake up call for me and is now one of the many reasons we are in the process of moving back to the UK. We have gone back to visit a number of times and the kids loved it they can’t wait to go back, to be honest we will be based in a lovely part of the England which is actually a lot nicer than where we are based at present in the NI.

NZ is not for everyone it’s not the paradise we make out although we will never admit it, yes its beautiful and the outdoors lifestyle is great but not if you are not into that! Every country has its positives and negatives and I am sure if you both went back to the UK it would also work out fine. When we first moved back to NZ as I mentioned my wife hated it and in the back of mind I was prepared to follow her back if NZ didn’t work out as I thought that was where it was heading at the time, your partner may be thinking the same?

Best of luck I hope it all works out for you

Re: Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

Daisy I really empathise with you, as I was also a reluctant ex-pat ( many years ago now ) All your feelings are so familiar to me ,but be comforted by the fact that a lot of them will go away with time.You say that you love your fiancee , and that he is very supportive, which is everything really. You also slipped in a tiny fact that was maybe significant though . You said that his parents had 'disowned him for racial reasons'. ? Do you mean that he ,or you, are of different racial backgrounds ? This could be important if it has impacted on your feelings about NZ.
How welcome you are initially made to feel in a new country, is vital to how you settle. I moved to the Netherlands and it was made very clear to me in the early days, that I was not welcome.It was rather a closed place in those days, not many foreigners living in the south.It greatly coloured how I felt about the country for many years. and knocked my confidence for a long time.
Is this why you feel so miserable there ?

Re: Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

Thanks so much for your reply. I think you're right. It's a big year for us as my partner goes away to police college for 4 months and then comes back and he'll be on shift work, which doesn't sound like a big deal but with few friends and no family it can feel very lonely. So that will be make or break really. I'm also going back home for xmas this year which I think will make me want to stay.
I have made friends but Taupo is such a transient town and they all seem to move on. I've made friends with a couple of the teachers but because Taupo is such an "adventure/outdoor town" I dont share the same hobbies as them (triathlons, MBing, etc.). It is an absolutely horrible situation to be in but I really do have to think of myself. The way I feel at the moment I could pack my bags and move home tomorrow...and I think that if I'm still this miserable I wont be able to do it for another 3 years...I'll end up hating the place even more and resenting my partner :(

Re: Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

Yes, we are. He is Maori and I am not. Apparently I do not share the same values as they do so he was given an ultimatum "the family or her". He chose me. Its been very difficult so I guess you could say that yes, I wasn't made to feel welcome. I am a very family oriented person and we have always been very close so it's something I miss deeply. Skype is great but it's not the same as just popping in for tea & cake, or dinner, and the time difference doesn't help either. I think I would find it a lot easier if they were supportive and still part of our lives, but I dont think the relationship with them can be saved after the things that they said (we havent spoken for almost a year now).
It also adds another horrible dynamic into the picture...if I were to leave because I'm so unhappy, I would be leaving a man who gave up his family to be with me and who doesn't really have any other support but me. Its very hard.

Re: Partner loves NZ, I hate it :(
 

I am so sorry about this Daisy. You really have chosen quite a difficult path haven't you, but your not the first and by no means the last. Mix marriages are really very much the future ,.Unfortunately the native situation in both NZ and in Australia is still fairly raw, a lot of injustice's went on as you will know.. For your Fiancee's parents this will have been a huge thing to deal with, but don't give up on them yet. Tribal thoughts are in us all, despite what we may believe. You only have to look at the North / South divide in the UK :lol: As a Northerner I have been subjected to some very objectionable remarks in my time, particularly whilst in the South.In my turn I have to confess I wasn't 'thrilled ' when my ED married her first partner ,an American .( She is now with her third American partner ,so I have had to get used to it ;)) Parents have dreams for their kids, and your partners parents would have wanted him to carry on the Maori tradition. Don't think they are not hurting as much as you right now. Bringing you together is something that time might help. If you show your love for him by supporting him through this period.He has a lot to prove .That he made the right choice of job, and that he made the right choice of partner .Many will want him to fail.They always do when someone breaks out of the mould they have been set in. My OH was 'mean't' to remain in the North,Mean't to remain an engineer , He was not mean't to go abroad, and end up CEO of a Dutch company. Those jobs were for the 'elite' of this world. The privately educated ( altho he did go to a public school ) and certainly not engineers. Those jobs went to the accountants, or to the consultants At least they did in the more rigidly organised UK. You have also broken the mould in your choice. Now you have to be brave and carry it through for your fiancée's sake
I know how hard it is ,but it can be so worth it in the end.
I have SIL'S from Manchester,Finland and Jamaica .. Guess which one was the most accepted and loved in my family. Yep the one from Jamaica. Because she was so warm and loving. My Step-mum adored her ,and she was the one to care for her at the end . Travelling from Ely on a regular basis to see her .The Manchester one lived a street away and rarely saw her . Such is life. Deeds not words as my mum used to say. In reality I don't think your fences will be mended in the near future, but do try to encourage your partner to keep the door open. One day you might have children and that is the catalyst for acceptance and reconciliation. My MIL was a horror ,but the birth of my first child softened a difficult relationship
I wish you all the luck in the world ,courage and love