West Vic

Well why is he such a chronic underachiever in the first place? Only you know his history so only you can answer that question but have you even asked it?

Is he suffering from depression? Nobody wants to be worthless and not have a happy and successful life. People are not born like that. They are made like that.

I have a brother in law who was the same up until recently. His mum and my husband constantly gave him money so he could sort himself out. He smoked a lot of drugs as well. Anyway times changed and the money was not there to be given and so we stopped as did his mum (me by default as it was our money my hubby was giving him). He's since moved in with us, got a new job and says he is no longer interested in smoking drugs, so yes not being his enabler did help him get off his arse and I do see a good future for him now.

But he wasn't born that way, he was made that way through sexual abuse and an alcoholic father. My husband compensated by being an over-achiever. My brother in law has decided he now wants to be a survivor rather than a victim.

So as annoying as it is that people like this sit around and mope, before you get serious about cutting them off ask yourself have you really helped him get to the bottom of why he is how he is?

lisa67

He's 28!!! Even if (and we don't know, and personally I don't think it's any of our business) he's had a tough childhood, he's been an adult now for several years and therefore has to deal with the consequences of his own actions.
A tough childhood isn't an excuse...no one has a perfect childhood, but once we're adults it's up to us to make the best of our lives!

bevinva

Life is not "one size fits all". Trauma from abuse stays with you, people may not even realise some of their behaviour is related to it.

This is not to say the OP's son has been abused, or that he does not have good reason to cut his son off, no parent would do that lightly.

AmerLisa

I agree, there are some circumstances that would and will drag into our adult life, "baggage" if you will. But, there are some souls just not motivated to succeed, even if success is just having a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your belly. Some people will just take the easy road and if that's a handout from relatives, then so be it.

My two cents worth is that the OP is doing the right thing. He should know his son and if a good reality kick in the backside doesn't work, then maybe I'd worry about what is the real issue.

paul1968mcr

If my son does not start emptying the dishwasher and cutting the yard....I'm gonna do the same with his 13 y/o ass!

Good luck, I think you did the right thing, hard though it undoubtably was.

cindyabs

There are just some people who are just plain bone idle.

Ozzidoc

Good point.

lisa67

I too, have to deal very closely with someone who suffered abuse during their childhood so I know it comes with baggage, but agree that too many people use it as a crutch.

Lansbury himself will have to live with the really tough decision he has made and I commend him...I hope his son get's his backside in to gear soon.

lisa67

I know from experience that what you say in your first sentence is very true indeed. But the buck has to stop somewhere and we are the only people who can make decisions, good or bad, for ourselves.

bevinva

You responded to a post about abuse though, a victim of abuse may go into "survival mode", that is where they can only see as far as getting through one day at a time. They react to things at the mental level of the child that was abused. That type of reaction does not set them up for a productive adult life. Until they break the cycle they cannot move on.

Apologies to the OP.

lisa67

But, as an adult, isn't it up to the victim to work out how to break the cycle?

Ozzidoc

The victim needs the support and right framework to be able to do this.

bevinva

Only when they are capable of reacting like an adult to the pressures of everyday life. If it were that simple then the cycle of sex abusers having been victims themselves would not be so prevalent.

bevinva

Never said it did, obviously I did not get my BE thread blinkers in the post.

made of kent

actually I was getting to that point about separate post as lansbury has one problem and other need to vent. I am going to be a bit of both.
lansburys, my brother is had to do a similar thing with his step sons, he loves them, but they just didn't have a work ethic, they are only 18 and 23 now and both left school at 16, and did nothing... just as their father, (who okay we only have SIL info on this) both my brother and SIL phoned me for advice a few years ago on the eldest??? why I don't know why? as I had toddlers??? but the only advice I could give or think of was cut off everything, my brother pays for their entire care as their father doesn't work, and at this point the eldest was over 18 and his wife was actively looking for work.
they eventually did this, even hiding his TV and computer, which he spend every hour of everyday on, but they had brought, first time they did this he found a tent and was found by the police camped outside Asda! but they explained the problem to the police and it wasn't a problem...to the point one of them said "he trying to shame you into giving him his money and stuff back" my brother said the PO was only about 3yrs older than his stepson. next time he moved in with his dad.
3 months later he was back home, had a job and still does and is attending college, his younger brother saw the signs and has a part time job and looking a college courses...what got me was the eldest at that point his mum was losing it (interestingly more than my brother)was so bone idle he didn't even apply for benefit!

next subject
I gave karma to someone and said I was going to post something I wasn't proud of... but I think it could be important for people who have been abused childhood to understand (and no I haven't abused a child, this is my open and honest reaction) and the run up to it, which was a combination of bad timing and me being a dickhead.
I was working nights and we work 7 on 7 off, but one person would work 4 on 4 off, this is of importance to me !not the story.
I worked in ICU, and we have central monitors, you aim is to keep the patient comfortable and stable, and on the unit I worked on we used to have 2 doctors who did nights with us, rather than on call. this was the terrible week of nights, and to put in to perspective why I was in the hub, due to my rotation, I always did my nights with 5 male staff nurses and 1 to 2 females, the second being the 4 night nurse.
first night senior nurse comes in, I can see he's a bit all over the place, so ask him, what up, wife has had miscarriage that day, find next senior nurse and he is sent home, 2 night later my mate is pregnant is being a lazy cow, which was unlike her, but we only have three patients for 7 nurses and 2 doctors...
a couple of people are on break, I ask mate to help me draw up drugs.
She says "I can't stand up"! I am very short with her an tell her to get off her lazy backside and help me, the other nurses are busy, turns out she is bleeding and has been for 4 hours, but was so aware the senior nurse has returned to work after his wives miscarriage she too scared to tell him... I tell him, she is in an ambulance within minutes (and has a boy 7 month later) he is in tears thinking because of his personal tragedy and her not wanting to make upset him, could have coursed another miscarriage.
the next night the 4 night nurse comes in who is not a mate, I go out on the town with ( I am 26 and single, she is in her 30's and married), but just someone I have respect for and enjoy her company, so occasionally we would have a beer on two after work...
the unit is still very quite, we only have 2 patients (It's early summer, always quite in ICU) and 4 in the morning + 2 doctors we are eating curry a relative has left us, X takes a deep breath in a purse in the banter and says..
" I have been seeing a therapist for a while and she says the next stage is to admit in open what happened to me.... to friends, and I think you are my friends" anyway she told us about her sexual abuse as a child from her granddad, I will not go into details, but I listened to the whole story, in a fog, I am a nurse remember! I hear awful stories daily! but not from people I like, know, respect and trust.
and I am ashamed to this day, I was the only women listening, and at the end I got up and announced I needed a ciggy, and walked off, 3 other nurses followed me down of the male variety as that was who else was on, and as stated before we only had 2 patients.
they followed me, not for my reasons, but because they couldn't believe I wasn't therefor C, I was in tears, never sure if for me or her maybe, if honest 60% me 40% her, but it was so horrific what happened to her, I couldn't quantify it, and my biggest emotion was " I don't want to know this happens to people like me?" i have had this in patients but you can distance yourself??
anyway as a 7 on 7 off nurse I had a week to get my head round it, I was lucky because my mum was a midwife and had been on loads of study on sexual abuse, not that help me for 2 weeks as me and C didn't coincide shifts and I was not looking forward to another 4 in the morning thing.
then I went out one night and she was their early evening.
I told her how angry I was with her at the time, YES ANGRY! I was angry, I really didn't want to know..... but how I felt angry at myself because it wasn't her fault. but the reason for my anger was because I prefer to think it happens to others, who I can help, not someone I have a laugh with and work with.
it is the hardest thing I have ever heard that night about living, it still troubles me, and I still wish I hadn't heard it, but C.. she hugged me and said that her therapist had told her to expect that reaction from people.
not proud of myself even 12 yrs later.
I have written this because I have written a lot on the death of my parents, and this 12 years later I can't shake out of my head, not the abuse, the way I reacted.... okay full truth, if I am going to do this...deep breath
I stood up and said to her at the end, something on the lines of , why are you saying this, how dare you tell me this, this is sick...I never said she was sick but...I was in my middle class mind and thought it didn't happen to people like me... and she broke the bubble, and I was angry
I will never get over how she forgave me, I haven't forgiven me.