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Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

Old Jan 10th 2020, 10:57 pm
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Default Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

Hi everyone

I’m new on here, I’ve been reading lots of forums about my current problem and it helps to know I’m not alone!

I also used this forum when planning my move from UK to NZ and it was very useful so thanks!

I’m 28, husband 29.. we have moved to NZ in October, basically we wanted one last adventure before settling down and having kids and also had always wondered what life in NZ was like and if we could find a better way of life!

We planned to come here for 2 years and then decide if we wanted to stay or go back to UK. However I have just felt very home sick since the end of November I feel so unsettled and think of home all the time... to the point where I have random outbursts of tears and feel very down at times and a constant feeling on not feeling settled inside myself, I’ve never experienced it before

ive really tried reasoning with myself and treating this as a working holiday and just living in the moment sometimes it works for abit but then I just have this overwhelming desire to go home...

when we are out exploring it’s fun and NZ really is a beautiful place! But the day to day is very lonely, I miss my friends and family and the comfort and familiarity of the UK. I miss so many things about the UK that I didn’t even think I would! I’ve made a few ‘friends’ but no one I have particularly connected with but it takes time to form real friendships.. I also don’t really like my new job but it’s the only place I can work to continue my nursing speciality I miss my old work place a lot as I loved working there..

I just really want to move back and start a family but I feel I am being very selfish to my husband who wants to carry on enjoy his freedom and travel for the next couple of years, he loves me very much and I know he would move back if I said I really want to I just feel bad because I feel so pathetic for being like this after only 3 months!

does anyone have any suggestion how I can stop feeling like this and enjoy our 2 years here?

im sorry for the long moan here, I’m feeling abit desperate

thank you reading this
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Old Jan 11th 2020, 9:39 pm
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

Does it have to be two years? Can it be 'reviewed' after a year?
That might give you something to aim for - only 9 months more instead of 21. Also you might change your mind by then - or at least be ready for a bit longer - or he might be more ready himself.
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Old Jan 12th 2020, 6:50 am
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

The first ten years are the worst and then you just get used to it! LOL In all seriousness it is super hard in the the first year and especially around Christmas is the worst. Hang in there and try and find some things enjoy, get out whilst the sun is shining and have some of the adventures you had dreamed of and then reevaluate where you are at in another three or six months time. Four months in is not very long and you will find your feet and start to adapt and make some friends. If I were you I would start the new year as a new you; throw yourself at it and try to forget about going 'home' for at least a few more weeks and show your other half that you are / have really tried hard and then you can have that conversation again.
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Old Jan 12th 2020, 12:21 pm
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

New Zealand can be tough work.

I am getting from your post that you are on Working Holiday Visas - therefore, you have not permanently broken with your lives in the UK. That visa also generally comes with the expectation that you will move around a bit as per the "holiday" part.

Maybe give it another 3-6 months but leave where you are and try another part of NZ and see if that helps any. If not - I wouldn't be ashamed to speak to your partner and pull the plug.





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Old Jan 12th 2020, 5:22 pm
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

Goodness...whatever happened to the person who wanted a last adventure before settling down.?

You and hubby have moved for a couple of years to see how you would enjoy NZ, and if any country can be enjoyed by two young people, it is NZ.

.... and yet, after only 3 months you can only think about home, your old friends, family, the comfort and familiarity of the UK.... and starting a family.

I can't imagine how disappointed your husband must be.

It's only a couple of years! Enjoy it while you can....
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Old Jan 13th 2020, 12:52 am
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

Originally Posted by Zobot
Hi everyone

I’m new on here, I’ve been reading lots of forums about my current problem and it helps to know I’m not alone!

I also used this forum when planning my move from UK to NZ and it was very useful so thanks!

I’m 28, husband 29.. we have moved to NZ in October, basically we wanted one last adventure before settling down and having kids and also had always wondered what life in NZ was like and if we could find a better way of life!

We planned to come here for 2 years and then decide if we wanted to stay or go back to UK. However I have just felt very home sick since the end of November I feel so unsettled and think of home all the time... to the point where I have random outbursts of tears and feel very down at times and a constant feeling on not feeling settled inside myself, I’ve never experienced it before

ive really tried reasoning with myself and treating this as a working holiday and just living in the moment sometimes it works for abit but then I just have this overwhelming desire to go home...

when we are out exploring it’s fun and NZ really is a beautiful place! But the day to day is very lonely, I miss my friends and family and the comfort and familiarity of the UK. I miss so many things about the UK that I didn’t even think I would! I’ve made a few ‘friends’ but no one I have particularly connected with but it takes time to form real friendships.. I also don’t really like my new job but it’s the only place I can work to continue my nursing speciality I miss my old work place a lot as I loved working there..

I just really want to move back and start a family but I feel I am being very selfish to my husband who wants to carry on enjoy his freedom and travel for the next couple of years, he loves me very much and I know he would move back if I said I really want to I just feel bad because I feel so pathetic for being like this after only 3 months!

does anyone have any suggestion how I can stop feeling like this and enjoy our 2 years here?

im sorry for the long moan here, I’m feeling abit desperate

thank you reading this
That's the trouble with us humans, we expect far too much of ourselves. Missing your family and feeling out of your comfort zone is quite normal when you move to another country. My advice is to realise that we can't feel happy, upbeat and wonderful all the time, life's just not like that. Feeling as you do now, although not pleasant, is not something to panic about and seek immediate resolutions.

It may sound strange, but allow yourself to feel sad sometimes. Recognise it as a normal emotion, not something to be scared of and run away from. It sounds as though there are some upsides to where you're living, such as getting out and exploring, so do as much of that as you can. As you've so rightly said, making friends takes time and you've been in NZ no time at all. Remember all the reasons why you came, and keep reminding yourself of those reasons. The UK isn't going anywhere, I'd give it at least a year and then see how things are going.
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Old Jan 13th 2020, 2:51 am
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

I would say stick it out for a bit longer. Home sickness comes in waves, Christmas and other big events can make it worse. Also remember that feelings are fleeting so although you feel a bit crap now, the chances are you won't tomorrow or next week. I would personally treat it as a big adventure - get out and about as much as possible, see as much of NZ and this side of the world as possible. Chances are you will look back on this is a couple of months and wonder why you were feeling like it at all
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Old Jan 13th 2020, 5:46 am
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

I could have written your post, at three, six, nine etc.. months. I ended up staying in the same State for two years and then moved.

Firstly - it's VERY VERY VERY normal to feel like this!! So many people do and will do in the future. It's a big change from what you know and it's not a two week holiday. Don't feel pathetic - it's not pathetic at all. You're human!

I think, if you're feeling like I did, it's a feeling of being trapped. Having no other option. You do have options though, your husband is willing to move back. Best bit of advice I can give is keep communicating with your partner. You've spent all this money, time and effort to move to NZ so why not look as it as an extended holiday (with a bit of work!) and enjoy what you see around you. You don't want to throw in the towel now, go back, feel ok for a bit and then think... hmmm should I have stayed a bit longer? NZ is so different to the UK in so many ways, enjoy the differences. You're not stuck in a jail for life there, you're simply having an adventure and exploring this amazing world. Something millions of people around the world would love to do, but will never have the chance. I'm not saying you MUST BE HAPPY ha ha, just see this for what it is. An adventure.

Can you look around for jobs elsewhere (whilst working?). You might find that if you change your outlook on life there you may feel a bit better. You're not going to recreate your UK worklife in three months!

Don't put too much pressure on yourself and others to find friends like your friends you grew up with/close friends at home. Just let things happen naturally and organically. Just like at home in the UK, it takes time to make friendships. Three months is a very short time to make friends.

Agree with your husband on X day (say, a year) you will re-discuss the idea of moving back. Open a word doc or use a diary. Write/type your thoughts and the conversations/agreements you make with your husband. Keep communicating and do discuss on whatever date you've agreed upon. In the meantime, go out! Explore! Enjoy where you are. It's not something that will last forever. You want to (as I understand it) spend the rest of your life in the UK. The rest of your life is (hopefully) a very long time. Just enjoy where you are now and know that it won't last forever.
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Old Jan 13th 2020, 8:58 am
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

Thank you all for your replies, your thoughts and advice are both very useful and those people who understand how I feel I appreciate that.
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Old Jan 13th 2020, 8:59 am
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

Originally Posted by Still Game
I could have written your post, at three, six, nine etc.. months. I ended up staying in the same State for two years and then moved.

Firstly - it's VERY VERY VERY normal to feel like this!! So many people do and will do in the future. It's a big change from what you know and it's not a two week holiday. Don't feel pathetic - it's not pathetic at all. You're human!

I think, if you're feeling like I did, it's a feeling of being trapped. Having no other option. You do have options though, your husband is willing to move back. Best bit of advice I can give is keep communicating with your partner. You've spent all this money, time and effort to move to NZ so why not look as it as an extended holiday (with a bit of work!) and enjoy what you see around you. You don't want to throw in the towel now, go back, feel ok for a bit and then think... hmmm should I have stayed a bit longer? NZ is so different to the UK in so many ways, enjoy the differences. You're not stuck in a jail for life there, you're simply having an adventure and exploring this amazing world. Something millions of people around the world would love to do, but will never have the chance. I'm not saying you MUST BE HAPPY ha ha, just see this for what it is. An adventure.

Can you look around for jobs elsewhere (whilst working?). You might find that if you change your outlook on life there you may feel a bit better. You're not going to recreate your UK worklife in three months!

Don't put too much pressure on yourself and others to find friends like your friends you grew up with/close friends at home. Just let things happen naturally and organically. Just like at home in the UK, it takes time to make friendships. Three months is a very short time to make friends.

Agree with your husband on X day (say, a year) you will re-discuss the idea of moving back. Open a word doc or use a diary. Write/type your thoughts and the conversations/agreements you make with your husband. Keep communicating and do discuss on whatever date you've agreed upon. In the meantime, go out! Explore! Enjoy where you are. It's not something that will last forever. You want to (as I understand it) spend the rest of your life in the UK. The rest of your life is (hopefully) a very long time. Just enjoy where you are now and know that it won't last forever.
thank you still game this was really helpful I will take your advice and try and form a new mindset about it all, I appreciate that you understand how I’m feeling I know I pick myself up out of this rut I’ve got myself into and enjoy this amazing opportunity :-)
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Old Jan 14th 2020, 8:54 am
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

Originally Posted by Zobot
thank you still game this was really helpful I will take your advice and try and form a new mindset about it all, I appreciate that you understand how I’m feeling I know I pick myself up out of this rut I’ve got myself into and enjoy this amazing opportunity :-)
You are very welcome. I hope you find your happiness!
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Old Jan 18th 2020, 9:07 am
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

Originally Posted by Bo-Jangles
The first ten years are the worst and then you just get used to it! LOL In all seriousness it is super hard in the the first year and especially around Christmas is the worst. Hang in there and try and find some things enjoy, get out whilst the sun is shining and have some of the adventures you had dreamed of and then reevaluate where you are at in another three or six months time. Four months in is not very long and you will find your feet and start to adapt and make some friends. If I were you I would start the new year as a new you; throw yourself at it and try to forget about going 'home' for at least a few more weeks and show your other half that you are / have really tried hard and then you can have that conversation again.
This is such good advice

First off .. Stop beating yourself up.Your feelings are absolutely normal ,thats why we have words like 'Homesick' and in Dutch ' Heemweg' ..( Don't know any more ) Three months is nothing in a lifetime is it. Isn't it good to have this confirmation that you 'love' those people and that place you left behind. They aren't going anywhere . You will feel so much better if you put your energies into where you are now.Allow yourself a certain amount of time per day to have a 'wallow', then make the appointment to do it again the next day (if you must) Then resolve to give this place and this chance your best shot. It takes time to adjust to new things ,you have had everything thrown at you at once ,no wonder you feel disorianted and down. Take one thing at a time.be it your job, your home, or your leisure time.put your full heart into it. I had a new language to learn as well! so it could be worse I agree that it's important not to drift .Talk to your partner regularly about how things are going ( no don't moan every day )We made plans for two years ,then five years as things progressed very quickly in my OH's career.Keep to those appointments and when things get difficult go somewhere/ do something new to take your mind off it and stop yourself complaining about how bad you feel.Your love for your friends, family and country will never leave your heart ,but you have left them, your now in that 'third country' world that all ex-pats land in. The one between your old and new life.
I wish you all the best in your adventure
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Old Jan 18th 2020, 8:40 pm
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

Thank you both

it really is comforting to read your experiences and since posting this I have been feeling better in myself and having a more positive attitude towards our adventure.

the advice of everyone has helped. Of course it’s not all suddenly perfect now but my attitude is changing and I am enjoying it more.

Thanks for your support and taking the time to reply.
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Old Jan 24th 2020, 10:18 am
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Default Re: Only been 3 months but I want to go home!

I have moved to several countries for work over the years. After 3 months, given the option, I would bailed on every country. After 6 months I started to enjoy it. Positive attitude, and give it time.
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