No other option?

Old Dec 27th 2020, 2:30 pm
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Default No other option?

What else can I do.

Almost 5 years living in Ontario, and still not a day passes I do not regret 'giving' up my life and moving here. (explained it all in other threads) A broken record I know.

Moved here with my wife and 2 young children, (who are now 8 + 10) They are the reason I have 'hung on' so long.. But I can not continue on like this. My mental health (good days and bad) has been affected.

It is not just 'homesickness' or pathetic emotional reasons I am not happy being here, it is (in my mind anyway) sensible, practical reasons.

So, I have asked this question before. But more directly :
Has anyone had experience of moving back home to the UK (alone) whilst other family members have remained?

I don't know if I am clutching at straws looking for a similar scenario that I can take some sort consolation/confirmation that it could work....

I try justify it in my head that my wife and I would still remain married, I would still support the kids financially, and obviously still be there for them emotionally, albeit more remotely. I would 'visit' 2-3 times per year. The kids would come over during school summer + winter holidays..

But for someone who grew up without a 'dad', it really is hard for me to contemplate this.....
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Old Dec 28th 2020, 9:20 am
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Default Re: No other option?

I'm not sure you'll find many people that have done this tbh.

I'm sure you've probably said this, but will your wife not consider moving back at all if she knows how much it's affecting your mental health? Have you had any help from health professionals, are you on any medication for your depression?

If your kids are 8 & 10 now, then IMO your idea of having them to the UK for summer hols etc is a bit of a pipe dream - once they're a bit older, they won't want to spend weeks somewhere unfamiliar and where they don't have any friends. My teens would be up in arms if I wanted to take them away from their friends for the entire summer or Christmas hols! Sorry, but I just don't think that's realistic.
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Old Dec 28th 2020, 11:47 am
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Default Re: No other option?

Originally Posted by christmasoompa
I'm not sure you'll find many people that have done this tbh.
I agree.

I can't even imagine what it would be like moving back and leaving my wife and small children, and I can't imagine the agony of living somewhere with all the mental stress of hating where I live. When my wife and I moved back to England after 29 years it was for similar reasons, and we left our 2 adult children back in the USA because we thought our well-being was of more importance.
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Old Dec 28th 2020, 1:52 pm
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Default Re: No other option?

Originally Posted by christmasoompa
I'm not sure you'll find many people that have done this tbh.

I'm sure you've probably said this, but will your wife not consider moving back at all if she knows how much it's affecting your mental health? Have you had any help from health professionals, are you on any medication for your depression?

If your kids are 8 & 10 now, then IMO your idea of having them to the UK for summer hols etc is a bit of a pipe dream - once they're a bit older, they won't want to spend weeks somewhere unfamiliar and where they don't have any friends. My teens would be up in arms if I wanted to take them away from their friends for the entire summer or Christmas hols! Sorry, but I just don't think that's realistic.
No she is not interested in moving back.
Yes, Ive went as far as to see a Psychologist. To cut a long story short, she suggested going back alone may not be a bad idea.
On no medication no. Dont believe in it. Real world 'problems' dont go away by taking a pill.

I tend to disagree. Everyones situation can be different. And I'd say ours is. Our kids (in my eyes) dont live the fantasy, perfect childhood that I would like, and also what we envisaged when thinking of a 'new life' in canada. Times have changed since I was a kid. Unfortunately in many ways. They sit around playing ipads for the most part, with the odd arranged 'playdate' thrown in. They dont run around outside having adventures with a big group of friends like The Goonies. My 10 yr ild is already 'grown out' of the splash pads.
Infact, knowing my kids, they would enjoy and probably benefit more (emotionally at least) being nearer to their grandparents, (my wife's) as they are extremely close to them.
I also don't see how, say 4 weeks in the UK out of a 10 week summer holiday would be a pipe dream or unrealistic?

I appreciate your reply. Hope I don't come across as argumentitive.
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Old Dec 28th 2020, 2:02 pm
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Default Re: No other option?

Originally Posted by durham_lad
I agree.

I can't even imagine what it would be like moving back and leaving my wife and small children,

and I can't imagine the agony of living somewhere with all the mental stress of hating where I live.

.....because we thought our well-being was of more importance.
And there lies my problem my friend.
I'm dammed if I do, dammed if I dont.

Interesting point. I'm not taking this decision lightly. But from another persepective. Is my well being/mental health not important, to myself and to my kids? What good is it continuing on feeling the way I do for more years as admittedley and unfortunately it has had an effect on everyone. Would it not be good for my kids to see their Dad semi content again and not relying on a shot -in -the -dark happy pill to just "get on with things here"..
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Old Dec 28th 2020, 2:41 pm
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Default Re: No other option?

Originally Posted by no good name
I appreciate your reply. Hope I don't come across as argumentitive.
Not at all. I just know that at age 8 & 10 my kids would have happily spent several weeks in another country with grandparents. Now at age 14 & 16, they would be appalled at the suggestion. Yours may well be different, but by the teens they are often much more independent and heading to meet friends, go to their houses (even if just to play computer games, as with my son), and their friends become far more important than their parents unfortunately! So I just don't know how realistic it is to expect them to do that longer term.

I personally would explore medication with your doctor, it does sound as though you are quite severely depressed, and anti-depressants could help with that. I know what you mean about not wanting to take anything, I hate even taking paracetamol for a headache. But if it meant your life would improve considerably and you may not have to leave your wife and children, wouldn't it be worth a try? If it makes no difference then fair enough, but personally I'd try everything else first before leaving my kids behind.

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Old Dec 28th 2020, 4:10 pm
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Default Re: No other option?

Is it your wife's job that is keeping her in Canada? I'm having a difficult time accepting there is no good ground upon which you can discuss going back together to your natural country.

I wouldn't take antidepressants, no way. I would investigate how I could make life in Ontario more pleasing to myself and seems your spouse could offer some support or suggestions about that. As you can also offer something to her as a bargaining point for returning to your natural roots and country.

I found the years getting on with building a life in a new country were so overwhelming there was little remembering how much my original foundational culture meant to me and how comfortable it was.Years later came a strong realization that with all the effort to build a new life it would never be as comfortable as the foundational one. If you could understand what it is particularly your wife loves about Ontario vs your original area in UK you might be able to get somewhere in communications that would benefit at least more investigation about going back for the two of you.

We'd not even be able to take separate holidays, much less have separate homes over the Atlantic. I don't understand how that works. Some people do have this arrangement though so evidently it isn't an impossibility.
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Old Dec 28th 2020, 4:21 pm
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Default Re: No other option?

« On no medication no. Dont believe in it. »

Why not? You could have a chemical imbalance in your brain. You’d take blood thinner if you had blocked arteries. Insulin if you had diabetes. Your head’s just another part of the body.
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Old Dec 28th 2020, 4:47 pm
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Default Re: No other option?

Originally Posted by Helen1964
« On no medication no. Dont believe in it. »

Why not? You could have a chemical imbalance in your brain. You’d take blood thinner if you had blocked arteries. Insulin if you had diabetes. Your head’s just another part of the body.
I'd rather not get too much into this. But even the medical professionals don't know the true, root cause of every individuals brain chemistry, which may be one cause of 'depressive' episodes. And even they don't have one magic pill that suits every single person?

But again, why is it usually assumed people have a chemical inbalance? why is 'a pill' seen as an answer? Its a drug. Alcohol is a drug, and after a few rums 'things' seem a bit different, but the Real World/Practical problems are still there in the morning.

Taking a pill from a Doctor (who can get things wrong), is not going to magically make the house prices in the GTA drop to a normal level. Taking a pill is not going to get me my secure job back. Or give me that content, sense of belonging again.
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Old Dec 28th 2020, 7:00 pm
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Default Re: No other option?

Reality is that you are just not happy and if wellbeing is automatically a mental health problem is debatable. The biggest problem today is that we have too many options/too much information and have to learn that life is not perfect. Be it boy racers, littering, every day we have to deal with stupid people and it can get to you. It's the same with kids and you say they don't live the perfect childhood you would like. When was it perfect though and back then it was Chernobyl, World War, Great Depression and your grandparents would wonder why a child has to play with a plastic He-Man while dinner was served. All you can do is speak to the wife and find a compromise if she doesn't want the UK . What are you willing to give up and what is she willing to give up and then find a solution. It still won't be perfect but maybe better than before.
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Old Dec 28th 2020, 7:27 pm
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Default Re: No other option?

From reading your earlier posts, I get the impression that your wife was the one who really, really wanted to move to Canada and that you had grave doubts even before you left the UK, and you have never liked much about Canada from day one. You have had issues with your housing (you currently rent while in the UK you owned your home), with your job/career, and that the stresses of you not wanting to remain in Canada has caused, and is, causing strife in your marriage (understandable).
I doubt whether you are going to get concrete advice from the forum which will help you decide, as I doubt we have anyone who has done what you are contemplating - which is, basically, to separate and for you to return to the UK.
Personally, from a financial point of view, I think this is going to be extremely hard, so both you and you wife will need to have full time jobs to maintain two households. I don't think the continual flying back and forth between UK and Canada will last for much longer than a couple of years, so you need to be prepared to see less and less of your kids.
However, if things have become so bad at home that you are already thinking along these lines, maybe it would be best for you all. The atmosphere at home cannot be good for the children.
Have you considered how you would manage in the UK if you were not to get a job due to Covid?
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Old Dec 28th 2020, 10:21 pm
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Default Re: No other option?

Originally Posted by SanDiegogirl
From reading your earlier posts, I get the impression that your wife was the one who really, really wanted to move to Canada and that you had grave doubts even before you left the UK, and you have never liked much about Canada from day one. You have had issues with your housing (you currently rent while in the UK you owned your home), with your job/career, and that the stresses of you not wanting to remain in Canada has caused, and is, causing strife in your marriage (understandable).
I doubt whether you are going to get concrete advice from the forum which will help you decide, as I doubt we have anyone who has done what you are contemplating - which is, basically, to separate and for you to return to the UK.
Personally, from a financial point of view, I think this is going to be extremely hard, so both you and you wife will need to have full time jobs to maintain two households. I don't think the continual flying back and forth between UK and Canada will last for much longer than a couple of years, so you need to be prepared to see less and less of your kids.
However, if things have become so bad at home that you are already thinking along these lines, maybe it would be best for you all. The atmosphere at home cannot be good for the children.
Have you considered how you would manage in the UK if you were not to get a job due to Covid?


I too remember your earlier posts, and I also remember that what you really seemed to want was for approval from forum members to do what you wanted to do, which was to return to the UK.

That is NOT possible. I do not think anyone on here will go out on a limb to say yes, you go, everything will be fine.

Why not?

Because we are not a) professionals and b) have no idea of what is really going through your mind, or your wife's mind.

Have you really considered the financial aspect? Will you really truly be able to support two homes and lifestyles in 2 different countries? I truly cannot think of too many jobs that offer that kind of financial security other than top flight "Chairman of the Board".

Have you considered how you will feel if your wife decides that this separation is not for her, after 2, 3 or 10 years, and decides she wants out of the marriage? Or if she decides that she is fed up of being a wife and yet not a wife, fed up of always being alone, and becomes attracted to someone else?

I also think you are not really considering your children, simply because you have no experience of having older ones. Those of us who have had children know how much they can change between what they love to do at age 6 vs 10 vs 15.

My 14 year old daughter would not have welcomed being dragged back to England to see a parent or grandparents for even 4 weeks .................... I can hear her voice in my ear even now!! boooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn nnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg.

A 4 week tour of Europe seeing lots of sights that interested her? GREAT!

There's a huge difference!!

But that costs a heck of a lot of money!

I will add that there is one other aspect that you may well not have considered from your wife's angle ........

I lived apart from my husband for almost a year when he and my daughter went to NZ on a sabbatical/year out after high school, and I stayed here.

I had lots of people contact, at work, going out with friends, visiting etc, but towards the end I was missing that late evening conversation with my OH, that sharing over a late night cup of tea.

One of the people who came to stay with me during that year was my widowed sister-in-law, whose husband had died about 5 years previously leaving her with 3 children between the ages of 9 and 14. She said that she had begun to realise that she missed "adult" conversation, whether that be over dinner out or in the evening.

Could you stand it if your wife reached that point, and took action??

Last edited by scilly; Dec 28th 2020 at 10:32 pm.
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Old Dec 29th 2020, 3:51 am
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Default Re: No other option?

I see the same scenario where I am, seems to be about 14 but varies, other commitments and the children seem to disappear.
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Old Dec 29th 2020, 4:26 am
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Default Re: No other option?

Originally Posted by no good name
I'd rather not get too much into this. But even the medical professionals don't know the true, root cause of every individuals brain chemistry, which may be one cause of 'depressive' episodes. And even they don't have one magic pill that suits every single person?

But again, why is it usually assumed people have a chemical inbalance? why is 'a pill' seen as an answer? Its a drug. Alcohol is a drug, and after a few rums 'things' seem a bit different, but the Real World/Practical problems are still there in the morning.

Taking a pill from a Doctor (who can get things wrong), is not going to magically make the house prices in the GTA drop to a normal level. Taking a pill is not going to get me my secure job back. Or give me that content, sense of belonging again.
I’m not assuming the OP has a chemical imbalance. But if he did, medication could certainly help, as it could for any other medical condition.
It does sound, though, as if this is just a case of ordinary human unhappiness. In which case, of course, you’re right. No pill can fix that.

I doubt location is going to change the kids’ behaviour. Parents here in France have exactly the same problems. If you don’t want them spending hours on their iPads, take the iPads away from them.
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Old Dec 29th 2020, 12:20 pm
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Default Re: No other option?

Originally Posted by christmasoompa
Not at all. I just know that at age 8 & 10 my kids would have happily spent several weeks in another country with grandparents. Now at age 14 & 16, they would be appalled at the suggestion. Yours may well be different, but by the teens they are often much more independent and heading to meet friends, go to their houses (even if just to play computer games, as with my son), and their friends become far more important than their parents unfortunately! So I just don't know how realistic it is to expect them to do that longer term. .....
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In this respect I think every child is different, family dynamics are different etc.

My children were fairly sociable and well-adjusted, but at any time between ages 8 and 16, had no qualms whatever about spending weeks or months in the other country (England or the US as the case may be.) Yes, they had friends at school, but had no particular interest in hanging out with them outside school. I mean, sometimes they did, but they could take it or leave it.

They were always excited by the prospect of staying with grandparents, cousins, aunts & uncles in the opposite country - or hiking in Baxter State Park, visiting Disney World, or going on a youth hosteling trip in England or whatever.

As for going back to UK alone, I’ve sort of done that. We bought a flat in England and I spend seven or eight months a year there. My wife isn’t interested in living in England again, she mostly stays in the US. However our kids are all grown up so totally different in that regard.
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