fishyben

hi all,
well lots has happened in the past 2 years 4 months to change our minds about living here and we (me,wife,2 kids (4&2))have decided to return to the UK, All my wifes family are the and saddly her mother pass away last month after a 9 month battle with cancer.
To cut a long storie short all my family are in the UK to exept my mum/stepdad, they've lived here in adelaide since migrating in 1997.
I plucked up the balls to tell her two days ago and she went off her head, proper mad like i'v never seen her, been phoning and screaming at me, the sort of screams you get from a 6 month old colic. my stepdad phoned my and told me to atleast stay until her funeral as she going to kill herself

Please tell me this is a normal reaction and she will come run i'v never felt so scared or guilty, all i want is the best for me my wife and kids, and australia can't give that to us.

We've had no regrets in coming here it been a life lesson we will never forget, but how can i make them see it's just not for us.

pladavm

Thats quite a story, i guess your mother was really happy being close to you and now that you have told her you wanna be a million miles away it might of been a shock to her because maybe you seemed quite happy. On the otherside it is a bit of an over reaction and you can't possibly live in Aust if you feel the UK is better so i dont know what she is expecting. I reckon it was just the shock of it all and she will get over it, i certainly dont think she will kill herself but maybe when you get back to the UK try to keep much contact such as calling her, email etc. Maybe a really good parting present to her would be to buy her one of those video mobile phones (you know those mobiles where you can videocall each other) i think that would be of some comfort knowing that you will try and keep in contact.

Btw what was the reason why you decided to leave Aust is it cultural shock? Business? or Personal? i dont expect you to be specific here.

ladylisa

Maybe your mother has reacted badly because she isn't that settled in Oz and having you around made her feel life was a little bit normal again. It was her choice to originally move away and it was a bonus that you moved there too however the trade off for most Expats is being without family its a sad choice but a choice none the less.

Scout

Sadly it seems quite common when moving countries. My own mom pulled a complete meltdown shitfit a week before we left the States (I'm the American half of a US/UK marriage).

Stand your ground. She'll get over it. It took my mom and myself a good 7 months after we moved before we were speaking again.....and even now it's at arm's length.

emmals

what....sounds to me like your mother is acting like a spoilt 6 year old...tell her that her behavior is unaceptable and that she is too unstable to be around your children...my god it's your life...live it and stuff her....

banjo

I had this a couple of weeks ago from my mother (who lives in South Africa) when I told her we wanted to go back to Australia from the UK! Must admit I didn't quite know what to say but when she had finished having her rant I calmly said, 'Have you quite finished?' When I was chatting to my sister about it the only conclusion we could come to was that she was upset that her retirement plan was moving. Whatever the reason, it boils down to selfishness on her part in the end.

Now, the Outlaws down the road know that we are planning a move back but don't know that we are now thinking early next year......DO NOT want to be around when that bit of info is passed on as they will be gutted and Mrs is a bit depressive and will probably spend days crying and hiding in the bedroom. The guilt is a terrible thing and you just have to keep sight of why you have come to your decision.

All the best

HiddenPaw

When your mum emigrated in 97, leaving you in the UK, where did you factor in her plans? (Just trying to understand how she felt back then, compared to now.)

Not good to make you feel like this . Maybe she has got something troubling her in her own life.

Mercedes

Don't let her make you feel guilty or afraid, my mother often used to threaten that she was going to die soon. I eventually told her I would ring up the funeral home and was there any particular type of coffin she would like. That was years ago, and she is still alive and kicking.

You have made the decision for whatever reason to return, if she really is that unhappy what is stopping her and your stepdad selling up and coming back with you if she wants you so badly in her life. Put it to her. She then has the choice herself, and it will be her decision then if she stays or follows you. But don't be held back by emotional blackmail, you have more than her to think about. Not easy I know.

theguitardoctor

I had this another way around...I moved to NZ in 2003 with my then wife....her Dad and family were all wonderful, telling us how good a move it was, how we would be able to better our lives out there etc, so after a few tears, we left the UK happy enough. After 4 weeks the guilt was being laid on though....admittedly my then wife (now ex) was looking for it in the most part, but her dad and family were on the phone missing her etc, so part of that may have been the reason for her actions. Either way she destroyed our chances of staying, took a huge chunk of our finances with it, and nailed the coffin on our relationship (not a bad thing in hindsight)....

Guilt is a b*tch wherever it comes from, the trick is to fight it and soon enough the whole thing clams down and everything returns to normal again....it's just whether you can cope with it or not.

Mally Lass

Do whatever is right for you and your family (wife and children), as they are your future.

I had the same thing when we lived in Oz and had the guilt trip on us to return to the UK as my Dad was desperately ill (turns out he wasn't). So we did return as I couldn't cope with the guilt and emotional blackmail. Biggest mistake ever, as my Dad (who was fine) then moved to Europe, Thanks !!! We are now stuck here with no hope of getting back.

Do whatever you feel needs to be done. Don't let anyone influence your decision and do whatever will secure a future for your family without any regrets, good luck

fishyben

Thanks all, for your supportive words, emmals comment about my mum acting like a spoilt 6 year old are spot on..
When my mother move here in '97 i couldn't have been happier for her and i think things were a bit different over here back then.

mumomonty

you can't choose your family, can you?

woodyinoz

What a hard decision you face.

For me going back is easy as it is where my family is. I guess that I can understand how your Mum feels. You moving out to be with her has probably filled a very lonely gap and guilt that has been apparent since she moved out. To suddenly here the words that you are going back will have suddenly reminded her of those emotions. Especially as she must be a lot closer to her grand children now.
I always like to put myself in others shoes and I am sure that if my kids where to leave me and go to the other side of the world I would be beside myself with heartbreak!
is there anyway that she could move back with you??
I am sure that very soon she will come to realise why you are going back and love you for your Independence and courage. Why don't you set her up with web cam etc before you go so she can see the kids growing up.