Homeiswheretheheartis

Hello I was hoping to vent how I am feeling on here as I have no one to talk to about this.

I have 24 months before we go home, my family and I are only here for a limited period of time. I don't have any logistical issues about moving back as we are here with my husbands company and it is all sorted out by them.

Because of this I feel I shouldn't complain/moan or even feel the way I do. But the thing is I do feel this way, which is - I don't want to be here, I want to be at home in the UK. So my question is - how do I get through the next 24 months feeling like this. I don't want to be this sad for the next 2 years, I also have children and Im sure they feel the same. E.g why are we here, why can't we be at home with our friends. Actually I know they feel this way as they have told me

My husband, family and friends (at home and here) just keep saying its the opportunity of a lifetime, 2 years will flyby. So basically no one I know, knows how I feel.

From what I have read on here everyone feels the same, so hoping we can support each other through the sad times

inaquandry

I know exactly how you feel as I have followed my husband's career over the past couple of decades, and from experience I can tell you it requires a great deal of personal effort to make a new life in a new country, especially if you feel you are there through no choice of your own. My travels were at first self-driven for my own career and travels, but I did make the sacrifice of my career for his, back in the nineties. However, since then I have had my own businesses in 3 countries (nothing huge, but kept me occupied and brought in some money - all helps with your own self-esteem).

I think that you do need to accept your feelings are real, do not deny them or allow others to invalidate them. Then, (easier said than done!) once you have some feeling of acceptance, then you can start to make a good life for yourself while you are wherever you are. You will also need to support and help your children to feel better about the situation. Google Third Culture Kids (or tck) for some help on this.

Also I would say that if the feelings persist, you could be suffering from a situational-triggered depression and it may be useful for you to talk to your Doctor or a counsellor.

As a start in your new country, however hard it is to do, it will really help if you can find some local activities either through the expat network or with local organisations. Anything to help you find the lay of the land in your new country, have you mixing with people and make things easier.

Culture shock is another syndrome that you will probably be feeling for possibly up to 9 months (form my own experience). Once you understand it and accept it, things feel a little easier, so if you are not familiar, then I would suggest some research on the subject.

There will be many people on here who know how you are feeling and probably with better advice than me, I am just speaking from my own experience. I wish you a wonderful time in your new country and hope that these initial feelings will go away with time.

I am now back in the UK, having never considered living here again and I am treating it as another expat posting, having the same feelings of home sickness for the last country I was in, feeling like a foreigner here after 20 plus years away, but really enjoying all the things I used to take for granted and now see through a tourists' eyes.

Each place has its plusses and minuses. I just look at wherever I am as a change of wallpaper (I know, a bit eccentric), but it is about living the best life you can, wherever you are.

I hope you feel happier very soon






.

Debbie2NZ

Where are you ? Two years, so that's 2013, yes ? So you could just say to yourself: home Christmas after next. Break it into seasons i.e. only 2 summers here. Or, we'll be home by the time the eldest is...x....years old. Or I'll be home in time for my (2 years from now) birthday or our (2 years from now) wedding anniversary. It's an uncomfortable feeling but it's only 2 years which I know must feel really daunting. It's new year's eve in around 10 weeks, then you can start saying to yourself, 'home next year'. You might find it depressing to have a countdown to the start of another countdown but it's a coping mechanism. Good luck.

luvwelly

I've been a trailing corporate spouse for the last 7 years in 2 locations and I never wanted to leave the UK either. There were however financial and educational benefits to the expatriation.
The first location was close enough to the UK for it not really to be a big deal. Also there were lots of others in the same boat so it was easy to make friends there.
The current location is as far away as you can get (NZ) but as inaquandary says, it is so true, each place has its plusses and minuses. The UK has its pros and cons too.

I suppose my solace was the $$$, the bigger (rented) house and no need to work able to be there for the kids etc .....I would have preferred to stay put as I was perfectly happy (and also stay at home Mum) but the benefit would maybe mean an earlier retirement for us as a couple.

Your feelings are not at all unusual and as you don't give your location, if it is not an easy option one, that could be part of the problem as well.

Your friends in UK will still be there for you so long as they know it was never your desire to leave - I have found this to be the case, whereas if you emigrated from choice it seems more common to get the cold shoulder on your return visits because everyone has moved on without you.

So the 2 year thing makes it more likely your UK friends will keep you in the loop (facebook helps) but in the destination, it will make it harder to make friends except with other short-term expats as some locals may think it not worth making the effort for 2 years.....so if you can help yourself, don't broadcast the shortness of your stay when you meet people for the first time.

If your kids are at school, voluntary work can be a great way of putting yourself out there and getting a structure in your day.

Return to UK as often as possible especially if you have paid home leave passages. 2 years is really not long in the Expat posting scheme of things, I can't believe how fast it has gone for me.
Your kids will probably adapt more easily than you to the change left to their own devices. Try to befriend the parents of the friends they make (prepare for knockbacks though but sometimes you hit it off nicely - the younger the kids the easier that is).
Happy to chat by pm if it helps as I have a lot of free-time or at least I'd rather surf the net than do boring stuff lol.
Best wishes - you have culture shock basically - made worse by not wanting the adventure in the first place.
Developing a taste for sitting around in cafes and drinking coffee also helps lol.
The other good thing is that it is easier to not fall into the 'UK is going to the dogs expat syndrome' precisely because you were satisfied with your lot in the first place.

J.JsOH

Suggestions:
Do some volunteer work, plenty variety help needed. This is what my wife did and made lots friends volunteering in library, hospital.
What did you do at weekends in UK ? Why can't you do the same there as a family?
Take day / weekend visits to places of interest, other towns.
Start a new hobby, you have a great opportunity of two years when you are not tied to extended family & friends to make an achievement by yourself that you can be proud of.
Won't your friends be coming to visit ? will you take them places ? you will need to know the places.
This doesn't have to be years of sitting around waiting.

usoruk

Many of us have been in the US/abroad for so many years, we want to desperately go home but we are just stuck here. (15yrs for myself, kids/hubby don't want to move) As each year passes we feel maybe this will be the summer we head back, or if only we could be back for those lovely English Christmas's. But there is never a definate date for so many of us.

Think of it in this way, you are in wonderful situation where you have a date set, you know you are going back no matter what. Your spouse is probably not giving you a hard time about returning. Even your kids can't wait to get back and hopefully they will settle right back in. Many of our kids/spouses are US citizens and don't want to move at all.
A big worry for alot of us is if we do go back..will our kids settle in UK education, make friends, will they fit in at all. Finances play a huge part in not being able to return. How to pay for Brit passports/birth certificates, spouse visas, moving costs, selling homes, airfare costs etc. And we have to look for jobs, homes, schools once we are back. Literally start from scratch with everything.
The good thing is your spouse's company may foot the bill for a large part of the move back so that won't be a headache, I hope.

2 years will fly by. It's best to keep busy during that time. Volunteer at school/library, organising for the move back. Try to locate a Brit shop for your fave goodies. Or find a walkable towny area..it might feel a little like home..browsing in the shops and having tea/cofee/cake while getting all the bits done.
The Americans love to go over the top with all the festive stuff, so perhaps get involved in the seasonal fun with the kids! Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years, Valentines, Easter, July 4, Labor Day etc...Like others have said, breaking the year down into copeable parts will help in getting through.
I also like to go on pictures of England site and plan on all the places I would like to visit with my family one day if we do move.
Visit home often if you are able, perhaps visit touristy places in the US. This will make you appreciate your time here more once you go back. It will be fun to show all the relatives pics of amazing US places you got to visit while you were here. Nice to create some memories for your little ones also....It is tough being so far from home, family, friends and familiarity.. but time will fly by...I don't know if we will ever get back, but I do enjoy this forum, the understanding and helpful people have made the last 5 years bearable..this site will keep you focused on your goal too.... All the best

Englishmum

Where have you relocated to?

Bevm

Perhaps your kids are the biggest problem? I'm sure they do feel torn away and unhappy, and you're bound to empathize with them. Have you set up things so they can keep in contact with their best friend through e-mail and Skype? That could help, but they still have to navigate an alien place and it can be difficult. We moved our kids long distances within Canada twice, and it's hard, so it's not going to a foreign country that's the big deal.

If you can meet some mothers of their classmates, you might be able to help your kids settle in, and make some contacts as well.

But if you see it as a big adventure, they may, too. You don't say if you're in an English speaking country. If there are language problems, that certainly adds to it all.

Bev

nethead

I think I would see it as a chance to see another part of the world, explore some of the places around where you're living. Take some weekend breaks to places a little further, it's a great opportunity to broaden your kids view of the world, expand their and your experiences.

Homeiswheretheheartis

Thank you everyone for your support, its nice to feel I'm not being stupid or ungrateful, feeling this way.

I am in Las Vegas, and the kids are in local school. We do live in a nice area and I already have a few new friends. I am actually in a very good position and I know we are very lucky that we do not have the logistical issues others have.

I like the idea of breaking it down into smaller periods of time. If I say it quick enough feels like we will be going home soon

I think the one of the hardest parts is feeling I can't/shouldn't complaint to anyone, everyone else is 'oh your so lucky, opportunity of a lifetime'. I remember someone on here saying they wanted to go home and their in laws thought they were mad. I guess its the samething really, only you know how you feel and you can't help it.

I am going to try and shake off the feeling and throw myself into enjoying it as much as possible.

Thank you everyone and hopefully we can support each other in wanting to go home.

nanna2

We are heading home in 2015 which can't come soon enough for me but as others have said we are going to enjoy our time in Canada and know that we gave it a good shot for 8 years.

BristolUK

Actually that soirt of thing does work. Well, for me anyway.

I used to do it at work. "In only another hour I can think about going home soon" was a good way of speeding up a long afternoon.

Sometimes tricking the mind works. It's a similar thing with a debt. You can be paying it off slowly and then suddenly you reach a milestone such as getting it below 1,000 and you no longer need to put a comma or you just speak in terms of hundreds instead of something with a thousand in.

I see you already talked of a return in 24 months rather than two years. So in as little as 4 months you can replace the 2 with a 1 and you're on the home straight.

I remember coach journeys in Europe. Where you're going is 241km away and then a bit later you see a sign saying it's 177km.

It feels like you're getting there so much quicker than when 150 miles has only dropped to 110.

Karrie72

I totally agree that breaking the time down into manageable pieces is a good tool. I myself have been here 20 years and I am having a really hard time with the remaining 5 years left here. I just want to get started and feel very detached about my life here, sad and unhealthy I know. But I manage by saying to myself, just 2/12 more years and I can start planning in earnest; visas, schools, location and the time will fly by.
Good luck and you can always count on us when you need a moan!

jemima55

Hi, you dont say how long you have already been in Las Vegas, but I suppose if you`re only there for two years you could experience everything this year for the first time and next year do it all over again for the last time all the while going "yippee".
I dont want to make light of homesickness and have suffered from it dreadfully. I could punch anybody who says I will "get used" to the USA, it`s been four years and I`ve managed to slip into a comfortable way of living involving looking after my family and doing voluntary work, but would go back in an instant. The problem is that here it is so completely different and for a while a lot of things grate on you. Two years actually does go quite quickly, before you know it, it`ll be time to go back. In the meantime, stay on here, get a VPN that enables you to watch some British telly, and pop down World Market for Cadbury`s chocolate. If you miss British shops, House of Fraser delivers for only 6 quid. What more can I say but I understand, oh god do I understand!

Homeiswheretheheartis

Hi Again

Thank you for everyone making me feel normal I feel so much better today, because I don't feel so daft at feeling low. Its helps to know others feel the same (even though I wish they didn't).

Now I going to put into practice the advice, - Not long now until I go home