dunroving

From a UK perspective, it seems a bit odd to say someone of 17-18 years of age is a bit young to be left on their own.

Lots of people that age in the UK (and US), move away from home, go to college, etc. Sure, mum upped and went to another continent, but being given somewhere to live and a car and not being bothered by parents seems like a dream come true for most 17-18 year olds.

I'm just not buying into this whole "abandonment" label.

Mummy in the foothills

If his father has died that would leave him with only his older brother around as his family other than his wife and child.
Seeing she set them up and went to UK with you before, he may well feel it's her job to stay and pick up the pieces whenever it suits him. He's obviously not that stable, he married young and had a child while young ( by US standards) and they don't even have their own place, they are in a house share, not ideal. He does sound immature, and you both moving to UK has scared him as he imagined his Mum would always be there for back up.
Doesn't mean she shouldn't move, he needs to start living his own life and be a man.

WEBlue

Yes, I do agree. For some children in either country, who can't wait to get away from home, either for school or work, it's not a problem living "on their own". They love it, and many handle it quite well, with a few hiccups. That's known as growing up. Then again, most know they can visit "home" to mum & dad if they need to--take a bus or train, whatever.

Most older teenagers in both countries don't experience their only parent leaving the country after the death of the other parent. Both of those things could be a bit of a shock to the system. May not sound like much to someone who hasn't experienced it, but to this child it obviously IS a big deal.

But it doesn't sound like THIS particular 17/18 year old handled it at all well, did he? So in my opinion it may have seemed like a "dream come true", but like many immature children's dreams it was a not good reality (more a nightmare).

Feeling abandoned is not logical. When that feeling happens, all the material goods in the world (caravan to live in, car, money, etc.) don't help--they make it worse. Parents who give "things" instead of their presence make a big mistake...again this is only my opinion.

Jerseygirl

I agree. Although I left home when I was 18...I would have been devastated if after losing my dad...a year later my mum had met a new man and moved to another country thousands of miles away.

dunroving

I think I must have missed the timeline of events, I didn't realise the closeness of these two things.

In that context, I can see the situation would have been unsettling, and why there may be some underlying resentment still festering away.

Even so, he needs to man up a bit now he's married and in his late 20s. It's one thing being upset, another entirely to play the mind games he seems to be playing. (Mind you, some people never stop being that way no matter how old they get)

Jerseygirl

I agree...he needs to put his big boy pants on now...but traumatic events when you are young can often stay with you for the rest of your life. I have sympathy for all involved.

WEBlue

I agree that both sides deserve real sympathy. Both sides need to try to understand each other's POV and keep the lines of communication open, no matter what is said in hurt or anger by either side.

It may just take time. And patience, lots of patience. Lots of listening. I think the one thing that any child wants (no matter what his age) is to know that his/her needs are important to the parent. And vice versa--when a parent needs a child's help (say very late in the parent's life, the parent may want the child to be close by). This is the nature of the parent-child relationship--you care about each other.

A child of any age who suspects his feelings are totally discounted by his parent would be correct in feeling somewhat "abandoned". That's what the OP & his wife want to avoid at all costs.

Sally Redux

That is a big difference.
I thought he said 23.

Mallory

Same with me. I left home to go and live in London when I was 18. My dad died suddenly a few weeks after my 20th birthday. If my mum had suddenly left I would have been devastated - it took me a good while to get over the shock.

Changing the subject - does your wife not enjoy the new grandchild? Does she go to see the child? Most women are excited to be grandma for the first time, I know I was. I loved to babysit, and take him out in the pushchair. We took him to the zoo, and all those wonderful places. Xmas became "fun" again. Has she thought about giving those things up, and her gc not knowing her? It might start working on her after a while; when the child starts growing up, and she doesn't know it. You couldn't tear me away from a gc. I know everyone is different, but just food for thought.

princess1

If that is what you both want to do then i wouldn't give it a second thought go to were you are going to be happy!
he is out of nappies now!
sounds like a bit of a brat to me.

luvwelly

Me too but I didn't have those facts originally.

princess1

yes i didn't see the other part either, but still he has his own family now and his mother should be aloud to move on with her life? or not?

guitarmaan

Thanks guys for all opinions for and against.

For a while there my wife had decided she'd have to stay in the US if her son made her choose like that. Thankfully Son C has come round to accept the move and still wants us to be part of their lives.

In conclusion, I wouldn't recommend an international relationship to anyone

WEBlue

So glad to hear your wife's son has seen reason. That's much the best outcome for everyone.

And as for international relationships, I agree with you! When step-children are involved, they can certainly be tricky.

Bluegrass Lass

It's certainly caused some complications my OH and I didn't think of when we got married more than 9years ago.