luvwelly

This tells you all you need to know to make a decision in your wife's best interest.

guitarmaan

Thanks all for the advice. This situation has stressed me out and really stressed out my wife, to the extent of her having nightmares!

To add something in sympathy to Son C, when he was an adult teen his father died. Maybe a year or more later I met his mother and whisked her off to the UK. That was an added loss, though actually his irresponsible behaviour (drugs) at the time was one reason for getting her out of there. But you can see why he might fly off the handle at the idea of "losing his mom a 2nd time".

But for me, even in view of the history, to come out with the horrible stuff he has is really unacceptable. Had he kept regular contact with his mom while in the states things might have been a little different. But he didn't. And to attempt to control his mom in this way is unhealthy to say the least. His actions have actually made me more sure we need to leave rather than stay. Sad to say but I'm not sure I'd want to be around an adult capable of acting in this way.

There really are no win situations where international relationships are concerned

BritInParis

He needs to be more worried about his wife and child then where Mum may or may not be. Okay, he's only 23, but no-one forced to get married and have a baby. He needs to pull on his big boy pants and get on with it.

holly_1948

You do want to have some kind of extended family gathering though before you go. If not a vacation then an exceptional big party where you go the extra mile.
It can then turn into a de facto going away party.

guitarmaan

Seriously, that's not going to happen now

Her other son would be great to see and have an evening meal or something... but Son C? Don't think so.

Sally Redux

Where was he when his Mum was in the UK last time?

guitarmaan

His mum bought a trailer for him and his older brother to live in, and paid their rent for quite a while. They were also given a car. This was to set them up independently and give them a step up.

They proceeded to smoke so much dope in there & ruin the place that the park owners started to complain. Then they sold the trailer. Son C met his future wife and they live with a friend in a house share.

At the moment I'm trying to control my own anger because he's stressing my wife out so badly and said some outrageous things to me last night. Perhaps what makes all this continue is my wife's reluctance to stand up to him and demand a little respect.

Sally Redux

I don't know. Maybe he felt abandoned at that point.

You want him to be independent, yet also give respect like a child.

Just throwing it out there, obviously I don't know the full story.

guitarmaan

I think he did feel abandoned back then, that's fair to point out. I apologized to him for whisking his mother off to the UK. But he admitted it was for the best at the time, and was glad I took care of her.

Those feelings of abandonment then are probably being projected to the current situation, because he never expressed them before?

Btw, when I said "respect" I didn't mean it like a mafia don I just meant I wish he'd respect his mother as an individual with hopes and dreams just like him. He seems to view her role in this life as making sure she is always there for him and his new family.

Sally Redux

That's what I'm wondering.

Maybe try to set out practical matters, eg how your wife will arrange visits, to try to reassure him?

Ha ha gotcha on the respect. Kids are like that (well mine are )

guitarmaan

This is what we're doing at the moment. My wife has a visit plan and she's put the idea forward. We'll soon find out how that goes....

DebzinUS

How old was he when she left? looks like 5 yrs on, so 17- 18? I think I might feel abandoned if my mum left me when I was 17 or 18

quiltman

So sorry for your emotional quandary.
does son C have a regular job? Although I understand to some extent his feelings, there is no excuse for his attitude towards you and your wife.

On the face of it all his arguments are about how your proposed move affects HIM - he has to learn that other peoples needs sometimes come above his. His first responsibility is to his family not his Mum or you.

Being cynical, I agree with the potential loss of babysitters etc, plus the last resort of the Bank of Mum & Dad will be removed.

The main point is that your wife, regretfully, has got to stand up to him otherwise he'll likely work on her emotions and you get ALL the blame thus possibly impacting your marriage. You need to step back and let your wife TELL him his brother has no objections so why is he raising so many ,especially as you rarely see him and his family.

I assume that once you relocate you have no plans to return permanently to the US , when you both retire for instance? If you could explain that it's likely you would return in the future (even if you really don't have plans to) then he may accept that and after you being away for some time and keeping contact as you've stated then maybe he would gradually accept the situation.
alternatively, if one of the main reasons for moving back is health, then tell him you'd look at staying if HE helped pay your US health insurance!

Our situation was the reverse. Both our sons emigrated, first to Canada and then they settled here in the Philippines. We wished them well as we understood ( but didn't like) their reasons. We used Skype etc and after visiting them for a few years they asked us to sell up and come live here so we could enjoy our last few years together. We had no close family left in UK so sold up and moved here last year. It's been the best time of our lives! We keep in touch with friends via Skype and email and do miss them but we considered it more important to be with family during the twilight years.

good luck with resolving your dilemma.

holly_1948

I'm so sorry,
I do hope it does work out well in the end.

Meeting with the other son just might have unexpected benefits, clear the mind, clear the air.

WEBlue

I do agree--that's young to be left on your own, even living with a sibling.

It sounds like he was immature then, and is probably still very immature in some ways (emotionally) in spite of having married and had a baby. Some kids take longer to grow up than others.

If he's showing some responsibility in other ways (towards his wife and child and a job[?]), I would go easy personally. Yes, you're upset over the anguish he's causing your wife and the interference this is posing to the moving forward of your and your wife's plans to move country.... But you don't want to make an enemy of this child of hers, not if you can avoid it.

As others have counselled, I would stand back and let the two of them work this out. He's her son. It'll be best for their future relationship (and perhaps for her relationship with her new grandchild) if they work it out between themselves, even if it slows your plans down a bit .... It may take time and patience on your part, time for Son C to come around, but an amicable relationship between parent and child is always better for both in the end...if possible.