My husband passed away in England
Mar 8th 2019, 3:33 pm
#1
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My husband passed away in England
My story is very long, and please forgive any errors or things I forgotten to add because my heart is weighing heavy right now.
my husband is a UK Citizen and he had two sixteen-year-old sons when we were married in 2012. Immediately we started the paperwork and everything went along flawlessly. The one thing I said to him was there is nothing more that your ex-wife can do to us we are on our way for you and the boys to come to the United States.
my husband is a UK Citizen and he had two sixteen-year-old sons when we were married in 2012. Immediately we started the paperwork and everything went along flawlessly. The one thing I said to him was there is nothing more that your ex-wife can do to us we are on our way for you and the boys to come to the United States.
Well there was something she could do she would not give written consent for the boys to move to the United States. She had already moved to Turkey and basically left her boys and husband and then he became her ex-husband when the boys were about 10 or 11. So I think it was an 2013 everything had gone through they had gotten their social security numbers their visa and then she refused to give them permission to move here. There was nothing we could do but wait until the boys turned 18.My husband and I had been seeing each other for about eight or nine years and within this time the boys had come to visit three times and when I did the math he and I actually we're on the same continent over those years for only 18 months. He would be able to come to the u.s. sometimes for 2 months in the summer or six months depending on circumstances with the boys in England.He and I went for a long time not seeing each other, probably for about 18 months and through that time it gave me a chance to reflect upon things.
. He wanted to stay in England for the boys birthday which was in August and that's why we went so long without seeing each other. When the boys turned 18 of course they didn't want to move here so he and I had to decide to start the process all over again.Through this time there are many changes in our lives he had changed jobs to a job he enjoyed I was here kind of putting my life on hold and the US and we both realized that when we saw each other during the Summers it was great because we did fun things but we never really addressed some personal issues that we should have addressed before he would immigrate here.So we have been separated for several years, and we were planning on a divorce but he was in England and I was in the US and we weren't planning on marrying anyone so we put it off.Last week on Friday his family called me and he had passed away in England. I of course was devastated even though we hadn't seen each other and there were some problems in our marriage I still loved him and I felt guilty because if he had been in the US you would have gotten better health care and that wouldn't have happened to him.I spoke to his family on Friday and it is now a week later and I haven't spoken to them because aside from some mental health issues such as anxiety and depression I have not been very good about dealing with this sad loss.
he had never officially immigrated here the second time the first time he had to return his passport and they took the Visa off and now I don't know what I am supposed to do. I am on leave from work at the moment because of a legal issue, so I have been taking care of my mother who has dementia, and I've been hurt sole caretaker.Can someone help me no what to do next? I'm going to call his mother and they can't find a will, and I don't really know what to do and I am very overwhelmed. I don't have the money to travel, and if someone could tell me aside from contacting the family again which I'm going to do where to start I would greatly appreciate it.We used to joke about life. kept in touch , and we always said that maybe when we're in our sixties we will get together again if we haven't found anybody
We still loved each other. But people and life circumstances change over that many years
We have been separated for about 2 years now, and I would appreciate any advice you could give me. I will be calling his family probably later today. Thank you so much.
. He wanted to stay in England for the boys birthday which was in August and that's why we went so long without seeing each other. When the boys turned 18 of course they didn't want to move here so he and I had to decide to start the process all over again.Through this time there are many changes in our lives he had changed jobs to a job he enjoyed I was here kind of putting my life on hold and the US and we both realized that when we saw each other during the Summers it was great because we did fun things but we never really addressed some personal issues that we should have addressed before he would immigrate here.So we have been separated for several years, and we were planning on a divorce but he was in England and I was in the US and we weren't planning on marrying anyone so we put it off.Last week on Friday his family called me and he had passed away in England. I of course was devastated even though we hadn't seen each other and there were some problems in our marriage I still loved him and I felt guilty because if he had been in the US you would have gotten better health care and that wouldn't have happened to him.I spoke to his family on Friday and it is now a week later and I haven't spoken to them because aside from some mental health issues such as anxiety and depression I have not been very good about dealing with this sad loss.
he had never officially immigrated here the second time the first time he had to return his passport and they took the Visa off and now I don't know what I am supposed to do. I am on leave from work at the moment because of a legal issue, so I have been taking care of my mother who has dementia, and I've been hurt sole caretaker.Can someone help me no what to do next? I'm going to call his mother and they can't find a will, and I don't really know what to do and I am very overwhelmed. I don't have the money to travel, and if someone could tell me aside from contacting the family again which I'm going to do where to start I would greatly appreciate it.We used to joke about life. kept in touch , and we always said that maybe when we're in our sixties we will get together again if we haven't found anybody
We still loved each other. But people and life circumstances change over that many years
We have been separated for about 2 years now, and I would appreciate any advice you could give me. I will be calling his family probably later today. Thank you so much.
Mar 8th 2019, 4:28 pm
#2
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Joined: May 2010
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Re: My husband passed away in England
Very sorry for your loss.
As you have been separated for some time, and your husband never emigrated to the US, what you have to do is up to you. From the sounds of it you have not been close to his UK family and his sons never lived with you in the US.
Unless there is a will, his estate (if there is any) will go through probate in the UK and his assets will (usually) be distributed to immediate family. If they find a will then those instructions will be carried out.
His family in the UK will be handling all legal aspects, including the funeral I imagine. You will have to follow their lead as to what, if anything, you need to do.
As you have been separated for some time, and your husband never emigrated to the US, what you have to do is up to you. From the sounds of it you have not been close to his UK family and his sons never lived with you in the US.
Unless there is a will, his estate (if there is any) will go through probate in the UK and his assets will (usually) be distributed to immediate family. If they find a will then those instructions will be carried out.
His family in the UK will be handling all legal aspects, including the funeral I imagine. You will have to follow their lead as to what, if anything, you need to do.
Mar 8th 2019, 6:12 pm
#3
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Re: My husband passed away in England
So sorry to hear of your loss and the predicament that you're in.
As said, follow the lead of your husband's UK family. Meanwhile you could maybe get your thread transferred to the Moving Back to the UK forum where some one with knowledge of UK Inheritance Law might be able to advise. This part of the forum is for expats living in countries in Continental Europe which don't have a dedicated forum, and the chances of some one with helpful knowledge seeing your thread, are slim....
As said, follow the lead of your husband's UK family. Meanwhile you could maybe get your thread transferred to the Moving Back to the UK forum where some one with knowledge of UK Inheritance Law might be able to advise. This part of the forum is for expats living in countries in Continental Europe which don't have a dedicated forum, and the chances of some one with helpful knowledge seeing your thread, are slim....
Mar 8th 2019, 7:14 pm
#4
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 38,611
Re: My husband passed away in England
Very sorry for your loss.
I have moved your topic over to our UK forum where more people will see it.
My own thoughts are that there is nothing really for you to do as such. If there is, your ex's immediate family will let you know.
They will be making the usual arrangements and sorting out the usual paperwork.
Very sad all round and especially sad for his two sons.
I have moved your topic over to our UK forum where more people will see it.
My own thoughts are that there is nothing really for you to do as such. If there is, your ex's immediate family will let you know.
They will be making the usual arrangements and sorting out the usual paperwork.
Very sad all round and especially sad for his two sons.
Mar 9th 2019, 6:08 pm
#5
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 111
Re: My husband passed away in England
Firstly let me say how sorry I am for your loss, regardless of any issues you were working out with each other it is a loss that turns your world upside down, inside out and then some. Best advice I ever got when my husband passed was take some time to grieve - you loved each other and planned a life together so a commitment on that scale is pretty serious. It will depend on what you want to do and where things sit in the line of priority. The grieving will be forever - we learn to live with the loss rather than "get over it". You clearly have a lot going on and if you feel you can and need bereavement counselling squeeze some time in there to take that bereavement counselling. There were days I would have been ok with not waking up - I wasn't suicidal I just didn't see the point of carrying on. I also abdicated decisions to other people - if something can wait ( not time critical or have any legal or financial ramifications) and you are not ready to deal with it then let it wait.
I am LPR and my experience with the bereavement process is from the US side so I do not know the UK system very well but i have googled a few links that may or may not help. Not a expert by any means and I can only offer up suggestions - things that occurred to me as I went down the bereavement road.
The first step on this road to dealing with this is probably the family reporting the death to whoever needs to know in the UK, I am not sure if you need to report anything to social security if he had got as far as having a SSN? Any joint bank accounts at the USA side, credit cards ?- this will fall into the UK family ball court as that is where the probate will be processed which will include ALL his property UK and USA but you may have information which will help them
I know the funeral/cremation customs can be a little different ( i was surprised how it was common in US to have a simple cremation and a celebration of life event later rather than the traditional church service followed by burial/cremation i was used to in UK) I do hope you can be included in those decisions if you want to be. I would suggest you ask for a death certificate - a certified copy - further down life's path you may find you may have need of one.
Please please dont feel guilty regarding the healthcare question, my husband passed away in the USA after the doctors and paramedics worked tirelessly on him - sometimes there is nothing anyone can do no matter how skilled the healthcare available. Reach out to the organisations that can offer help - you are truly between a rock and hard place here as you slip through the crack as a bereaved widow. I received all kinds of pamphlets on options regarding help and counselling generated by virtue of the cremation society and tissue donor organisation - as the funeral will be in the UK it is unlikely that organisations in US will be aware of your circumstances so please please reach out to local organisations - they may even be able to help you with some of the questions you have now and as you move through this process. Please know people will want to help you - i know it may feel like you just can't deal with it, it may seem like a chore but it will be worth it.
I could be wrong, but I would think you are still his widow unless you divorced...it sounded like you hadn't made that move? and if he left a will that will usually direct how the family would proceed. No will and then his estate will be dealt with in a specific manner - https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/fa...-of-intestacy/...... I would imagine you could get a copy of the will from family if there is one, if they don't share that then once it gets probate granted it becomes a public document https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk...l-after-death/. Some financial products have beneficiary forms in place ( think pensions, savings schemes and sometimes bank accounts). Again, I will state I am not an expert so I could be wrong but people sometimes make wills and when life events change circumstances they never think to update their will -
https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk...after-divorce/
Most of all - be kind to yourself. I am just over a year on from losing my husband, when it happened I couldn't imagine ever being able to sleep properly again. Everything whirls around in your mind - i created problems and obstacles before I even got started on the paperwork. I convinced myself probate was going to be a nightmare - turns out the way hings were titled etc that probate wasn't needed as everything was either titled in a joint names with a or prefix basically meaning it was his car or mine, his account or mine, and he had beneficiary declarations in place for financial items. I repeated the same conversations with the same people - luckily they were patient kind friends who just listened. My usual routine for the very basic things in life that I thought were automatic went out of the window - i had to check consciously that i had brushed my teeth that day - someone would ask my date of birth and I would have to stop and think about it. It is an experience that is both a curse and a gift - the curse is pretty much obvious, the gift is that now I think I have an idea of what someone else in my position may find helpful - and that is why seeking out others who have been there is important - they know what you need and they know how to get the things you need ( information, help etc) not just for emotional support but practical stuff.
Sending you big hugs
I am LPR and my experience with the bereavement process is from the US side so I do not know the UK system very well but i have googled a few links that may or may not help. Not a expert by any means and I can only offer up suggestions - things that occurred to me as I went down the bereavement road.
The first step on this road to dealing with this is probably the family reporting the death to whoever needs to know in the UK, I am not sure if you need to report anything to social security if he had got as far as having a SSN? Any joint bank accounts at the USA side, credit cards ?- this will fall into the UK family ball court as that is where the probate will be processed which will include ALL his property UK and USA but you may have information which will help them
I know the funeral/cremation customs can be a little different ( i was surprised how it was common in US to have a simple cremation and a celebration of life event later rather than the traditional church service followed by burial/cremation i was used to in UK) I do hope you can be included in those decisions if you want to be. I would suggest you ask for a death certificate - a certified copy - further down life's path you may find you may have need of one.
Please please dont feel guilty regarding the healthcare question, my husband passed away in the USA after the doctors and paramedics worked tirelessly on him - sometimes there is nothing anyone can do no matter how skilled the healthcare available. Reach out to the organisations that can offer help - you are truly between a rock and hard place here as you slip through the crack as a bereaved widow. I received all kinds of pamphlets on options regarding help and counselling generated by virtue of the cremation society and tissue donor organisation - as the funeral will be in the UK it is unlikely that organisations in US will be aware of your circumstances so please please reach out to local organisations - they may even be able to help you with some of the questions you have now and as you move through this process. Please know people will want to help you - i know it may feel like you just can't deal with it, it may seem like a chore but it will be worth it.
I could be wrong, but I would think you are still his widow unless you divorced...it sounded like you hadn't made that move? and if he left a will that will usually direct how the family would proceed. No will and then his estate will be dealt with in a specific manner - https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/fa...-of-intestacy/...... I would imagine you could get a copy of the will from family if there is one, if they don't share that then once it gets probate granted it becomes a public document https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk...l-after-death/. Some financial products have beneficiary forms in place ( think pensions, savings schemes and sometimes bank accounts). Again, I will state I am not an expert so I could be wrong but people sometimes make wills and when life events change circumstances they never think to update their will -
https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk...after-divorce/
Most of all - be kind to yourself. I am just over a year on from losing my husband, when it happened I couldn't imagine ever being able to sleep properly again. Everything whirls around in your mind - i created problems and obstacles before I even got started on the paperwork. I convinced myself probate was going to be a nightmare - turns out the way hings were titled etc that probate wasn't needed as everything was either titled in a joint names with a or prefix basically meaning it was his car or mine, his account or mine, and he had beneficiary declarations in place for financial items. I repeated the same conversations with the same people - luckily they were patient kind friends who just listened. My usual routine for the very basic things in life that I thought were automatic went out of the window - i had to check consciously that i had brushed my teeth that day - someone would ask my date of birth and I would have to stop and think about it. It is an experience that is both a curse and a gift - the curse is pretty much obvious, the gift is that now I think I have an idea of what someone else in my position may find helpful - and that is why seeking out others who have been there is important - they know what you need and they know how to get the things you need ( information, help etc) not just for emotional support but practical stuff.
Sending you big hugs
Mar 10th 2019, 3:07 pm
#6
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 6,313
Re: My husband passed away in England
First of all condolences on your sad loss. It seems that all the time you and your OH put in trying to be together must feel pretty pointless to you now. As has been said, be kind to yourself and remember the good things, the good moments, in what sounds like a very difficult . On /Off relationship
Practically, as your OH's legal widow, you would be first in line under British law when it comes to responsibility for most things. ie Funeral arrangements, reading of the will.probate ,division of properties and possessions etc. Thats unless your OH left other instructions in a will,? or with a lawyer-? Did he ever discuss having a UK lawyer with you? or having made a will? If not you will have to prove that you are his legitimate heir ie a wedding certificate etc.
It is one of the biggest mistakes people make in these days of multiple relationships,It is so important to make wills. Ironically I am now trying to persuade my ED in the USA ( a British citizen ) to please register her daughter as British and having dual nationality.and make a will . She is not married to her American partner, she is a (very) mature first time mum. Should anything happen to her, she needs people to know her wishes in regard to her daughter .It's falling into 'fussy mum' territory however and she now refuses to talk about it.
I have just gone through all this with my American friend, married to a Dutch national who died in the USA. All his property was in NL The law there is very different .Estates have to be shared with the first wife and family under Napoleonic law.She has had a terrible time getting the Banks to release funds etc and they had joint accounts
I would suggest that you contact the British Embassy in NY and ask for their help.He was a British Citizen even if he didn't live full time in the USA. They should be able to point you at least in the direction of your next step.
Sadly it is now all about the estate ,so you may have to decide whether to cut your loss's and leave it be. If it concerns only a small legacy that is. Maybe he would prefer that it go to his sons. You could incur large legal fee's if you try and claim it. If it is a much larger estate then you may feel it's worthwhile claiming it. I assume that you will want to attend the funeral and that it will be held in the UK .Again a costly exercise
Once again my deepest sympathy on your loss
Practically, as your OH's legal widow, you would be first in line under British law when it comes to responsibility for most things. ie Funeral arrangements, reading of the will.probate ,division of properties and possessions etc. Thats unless your OH left other instructions in a will,? or with a lawyer-? Did he ever discuss having a UK lawyer with you? or having made a will? If not you will have to prove that you are his legitimate heir ie a wedding certificate etc.
It is one of the biggest mistakes people make in these days of multiple relationships,It is so important to make wills. Ironically I am now trying to persuade my ED in the USA ( a British citizen ) to please register her daughter as British and having dual nationality.and make a will . She is not married to her American partner, she is a (very) mature first time mum. Should anything happen to her, she needs people to know her wishes in regard to her daughter .It's falling into 'fussy mum' territory however and she now refuses to talk about it.
I have just gone through all this with my American friend, married to a Dutch national who died in the USA. All his property was in NL The law there is very different .Estates have to be shared with the first wife and family under Napoleonic law.She has had a terrible time getting the Banks to release funds etc and they had joint accounts
I would suggest that you contact the British Embassy in NY and ask for their help.He was a British Citizen even if he didn't live full time in the USA. They should be able to point you at least in the direction of your next step.
Sadly it is now all about the estate ,so you may have to decide whether to cut your loss's and leave it be. If it concerns only a small legacy that is. Maybe he would prefer that it go to his sons. You could incur large legal fee's if you try and claim it. If it is a much larger estate then you may feel it's worthwhile claiming it. I assume that you will want to attend the funeral and that it will be held in the UK .Again a costly exercise
Once again my deepest sympathy on your loss
Last edited by GeniB; Mar 10th 2019 at 3:12 pm.
Mar 16th 2019, 5:50 pm
#7
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,830
Re: My husband passed away in England
Very sorry for your loss. You've been given a lot of great advice. Please be kind to yourself.
