Twentyseven

Hi everyone,

I'm 29 years old and have lived in Australia since I was 18, so 11 years. I fell in love with an Aussie on a 3 week holiday up in Port Douglas. We separated about 7 years ago, but for years I felt trapped here for some reason, or like I didn't have any options. After leaving my family so young, I didn't think they would accept me back. They still saw me as a young 18 year old, and I saw them as the parents I left.

I went back to the UK in April for 4 weeks, for the first time in 7 years and I felt so healed! We all realised that time has passed and we're still one big happy family. I just LOVED being around family again after so many years of being a guest at other peoples houses for countless birthdays, easter, Christmases.

The problem here is that I have a partner, another Australian who doesn't want to go to the UK. He wants to live and have a family here. Since I"ve been here for so long already, I feel like that outweighs anything. I know how I feel now and I can't imagine having babies and buying a house here, without having the support and love of my mum and sisters and brother...

Is that really selfish? I hope someone can relate to this. My family are there for me, to support me until I find another job and settle down somewhere. That's a bit of a first for us and I think it will be even more healing for everyone in the family. I felt like I was the 'missing link' when I went back, between my brothers and sisters and my friends and my family - everything just clicked into place.

Its so hard. basically I have to choose, do I leave my relationship and go back to the UK, or stay and think it over some more?

Any help/advice/input would be very much appreciated.

Thank you

quoll

Whoa, hard one!

I tend to think that relationships are more important than countries but in consequence I am stuck here having been married to the DH for 37 years and basically happy to keep him because I dont want to train up another one. However, he refuses to live in UK because he is Australian - he sort of changed the goal posts on me as we have been here for so long!!! So, if you know for sure that this is the chap you want to grow old with then stick with him (but try and persuade him that your mental health depends on being back with your extended family!!!!!!)

Once you have kids then you lose the choice to go home if it all goes pear shaped - and if you are feeling trapped right now, think how much worse it will be when you really ARE trapped because you wouldnt be allowed to go home with your kids (now that is an even bigger decision I reckon).

Only you can decide how much you are prepared to sacrifice - hope that whatever you choose turns out to be the best decision for you!

alipally

I think that Quoll hit it on the head with reference to having children in Australia.
Australian law is ruthless about keeping it's children here should a relationship breakdown.
Think long and hard about what you want. As it is your partner has already made his intentions clear.
Maybe he would change his mind about living in the UK if you decide to go... after all if you're the one for him then he'll make a compromise (or maybe he won't)
It's your decision, but it's best that you go into this with your eyes wide open.

Good luck with whatever you choose

brits1

All I can say is that after spending 7 years in Australia and hoping that at last we had put down 'roots' we went back to the UK for our first holiday...we expected to have a great time but we felt a lot more than that...just belonging and having our friends and family near to us was just lovely...anyway fast forward a few more years and then another visit back to the UK....and we still felt the same way...we got fed up of trying to feel like we belonged in Aus and eventually came home after 12 years away....all I can say I am so glad my Oh and sons felt excactly the same (if not more) than I did about coming 'home'....I met so many people who had migrated and not just from the UK who either could not come home for reasons....children...OH's.....etc...that I just feel lucky...also I feel that a marriage (for me anyway) should be give and take...and I (and again this is my view) for someone to say...no before they have even tried a different environement/country well....I would consider long and hard before I truly commited to a deeper relationship...most couples there is usually one partner who takes more than the other....if you don't mind that then all well and good.....all the best of wishes...

charleygirl

My gut reaction was get yourself home, this from someone who decided to stay and been very homesick and sad for 13 years.
I believe if your new partner loves you he will follow you....... maybe you can go home for an extended stay..... see what time does for you.
I wish you well and I hope you make the right choice.

KerinaK2008

I would go back while you have the chance. I am going through a similar thing myself but with my husband. I am in my late 20s married but no kids. I have only been living in Canada for 16 months and desperately want to return. I would like to think about a family too but my husband wants us to raise them here and i want to be back home close to my family. So now I am in a situation where we can not move forward and going around in circles. It has been an emotional roller coaster. I am still trying to build up the courage to leave him because the idea of not having my family around when we start a family breaks my heart. He is pretty much willing to give me up rather than give it a try. My dad once told me, if he loves you enough he will follow you. It is likely in my situation it will come to me heading back alone since he really does not want to live in the UK.

Think carefully before making any decisions.

slidingbyee

My reaction is get yourself home. You have already met one Australian who did'nt work out. This one may the be the 'one' but just as likely there is another waiting somewhere in the UK who wants to be there.

Experience talking here - spent 14 years here after moving for someone only to see it all gone in the blink of an eye. Now I am truly in no mans land. I could up and move back tomorrow but so many factors.

So if you have the chance. Move back for an extended stay in the UK now. Other posters hit the nail on the head I would be very skeptical about someone who says no from the start, and beware the OK we can talk about it later.... Consider yourself luycky that you know the reality now.

JAJ

And should it be any other way?

quoll

Well it seems like there is considerably more leeway in the UK which is probably fairer because it gives the wishing to depart parent the opportunity to make a case for better life for the kids, commitment to maintaining contact etc. In Australia even the most dead beat of parents only has to say no (as they often do just to be spitefully bloody minded and intent on maintaining control) and bob's your uncle.

bloomfieldtj

Go home. Enjoy your family again. If he's worth his salt, he'll follow. If he doesn't, you're still young - you will meet another chap in the UK, undoubtedly. Don't start a family in Oz whilst you feel unsettled.

Best of British, and all that!

alipally

I think that it should be more considerate of the circumstances... As Quoll said one dead beat Dad to say no and that's it!

There are a good number of cases where mothers are stuck here on there own because of this ruling.... where once judgement has been passed the father has not had contact with the child involved.... Where is that fair?

Mummy in the foothills

That is a sad situation, but good to find out before you start having chidren. If you want to have children in UK and raise them there, the sooner you move home the better, staying just makes him think you are coming round to his way

Twentyseven

I just want to say thank you all so so much for your replies. I haven't checked this link for a while so I was so happy when I came back to all of these replies.

I agree wholeheartedly with all of you regarding the unfairness of the Family Law Act in Australia, particularly in relation the part where a father can exercise his right to keep the mother here, regardless of anything that has happened in their relationship up until that point.

I have a friend who this has actually happened to. Her partner was abusive towards her and she finally up and left him and got an intervention order. On the day of the hearing, he filed her with papers to keep her in the country until the mater had been heard by a court. They even put them all on a 'flight watch list' so they couldn't leave and took their passports. Three years and no money later, she had a nervous breakdown and the children went to live with the father permanently. No one can understand what it was like being in that position. Family on the other side of the world - no support, friends etc. Seeing that just made me think VERY carefully about the future. She loved her children and was never apart from them and now she rarely sees them because they are ensconsed with his family in rural Victoria. So sad for all of them.

In the UK and Canada, the mental health of the mother is considered to directly impact the children, which it clearly does, there are so many cases where this has happened to mothers and they've gone mad and understandably so. Not only have they gone through a divorce, their freedom of movement and access to support systems are compltely cut off. It's like their future is completely drawn to a halt. Also, the father has all of the power in the situation (even undeservedly so). Anyway - I'll get off my soapbox. Grr.

I've come a way since I first posted the question. At first my partner got angry, but now he just says that he can't financially go - so if I don't want to 100% be here with him then I should go. He wants me to wait 2 years, but given I've already been here for 11, I think its time to go - for me.

I just keep thinking that if I don't go now and I fall pregnant, I'll have a mother in law, all of his family to contend with and I'll always always regret not going back. I think I just answered my own question!?

Karina - sounds like you are in the same boat as me, so to speak - by the sounds of it - sounds like you need to do what you feel in your heart, which I know is terribly confusing given that your partner is Canadian. At least your that bit closer, not 22 hours away! :-) Maybe go back for a visit and see how you feel?

Lestagirl - are you from Leicester? That's where I grew up!

Thank you all so much

quoll

Good luck Twentyseven. I think you have, indeed, answered your own question! If you two are meant to be together then two years on a long distance relationship, if you both want it, is perfectly do-able. However, sometimes wiser to cut and run!

All the best with it!

trottytrue

Twentyseven.....Go home before its too late. Get pregnant and all is lost. You are stuck and I mean stuck in Australia for ever. You will think that perhaps in the future he will change his mind but he wont and once the kids get older they wont want to go, in the meantime your family and friends are getting older and sometimes sick , and you are unable to help.
Money when you have children is not as easily got so going home for holidays is not always easy. Life passes really quickly and before you know it you will be in your 50's and wondering what the heck happened. Too late family members have passed on and you didnt get to see them or all the wonderful celebrations you have missed out on.

Yes he will have his family and you will end up with them for all those special occasions but its not like your own family.

So he wants you to give up your family but he is not prepared to give up his.

Dont only think about family and friends think about the country itself. Its so much easier to grow old in the UK and there are still some lovely places to live. Really think about what you want from life before you stay in Australia.

I am sure when you met you first boyfriend you thought he was the one for you and I bet you feel the same way about this one but time has a way of changing things. All I can say is I wish I had been home to see my parents and family grow old we could have all grown old together. Not just going back home to say goodbye and not always getting there in time...

Goodluck whatever you decide.