J.JsOH

Similar, I feel even more unable to feel settled in UK when I read all the happy stories. It only makes me ask what is wrong with me that I do not feel grounded.
My wife sees that I am more disgruntled since we moved back and thinks it is because I visit my Mother too often, my wife doesn't like her and I never really have either. But I'm not so sure that is the real cause.

It's not all one or the other.
Sometimes I catch wifey looking at me and and she comments that for a while a seem untroubled. Sometimes I forget myself and relax.
When I am on holiday outside UK I really relax even if it is a busy active trip.
When I am out walking in the countryside, even the towns parks, I can appreciate the beauty of natural England, but the English social fabric really irks me. But not all the time, there are individuals that I get along well with - but the masses I can be doing without.

Some things about people behaviour just grate on me. In Sainsbury's yesterday there was a tall distinguished looking older man eating grapes off the display - he gave me a so-what look.

sallysimmons

JJ'sOH, I hope I don't sound critical because I don't mean to, but I wonder if you couldn't learn to overlook other peoples' behaviour when it's not hurting you or anyone you love?

The man eating grapes for example. You have to have walked past people doing the same in America - I know I've seen it before over there - but perhaps you just didn't notice because your antennae weren't up in the same way.

When I read your posts, I hear my mum talking and I feel for you, because she really lets external things drag her down. She reads about violence for example and it really upsets her. But she lives in a beautiful quiet village where the only violent things that happen are on farms to animals. I can't understand why she can't just relax and enjoy the lovely life she has.

I tell her, we're going to be dead in a few years anyway and we get this one chance to live on this amazing planet and have these amazing experiences and it just seems sad that you're being made unhappy by people who have nothing to do with you or your life. She agrees with me, but nothing changes.

I wonder the same thing about you as I sometimes wonder about her ...perhaps the people you get upset about are not actually the cause of your unhappiness but a symptom of it?

Perth

You know, I feel grouchy all the time when I'm out and about.I especially don't like the discourteous way people drive here, and have told the OH that I should be taken off the road before I develop serious road rage I don't know, it just seems to me that what you are describing as irritants are exactly the ones I have here. Have you thought about whether it may just be an age thing?

On the other hand, I have known relatives who sap the happiness out of you faster than a turbo vacuum cleaner. Maybe visit DM a little less and see if that helps. You seem to be enjoying your holidays and your other trips out. You're retired - maybe you need to do more of these. What I hear weighing you down is more obligation to DM than to any social distractions.

J.JsOH

I'd just like to add that I have no resentment whatsoever of those that have found their happiness on return to UK.

J.JsOH

I do appreciate you making hopefully useful suggestions. Thank you, both Sally and Perth
I am little by little learning to let it all ride and not sweat the small stuff. Some of us are wired to do just that though, learned at the knee of my Mother. True what DW says, I was happier when far away from DM.

I considered serenity of church but I don't go along with the religion part. Nearest I came to affinity was with Shinto, more a spirituality than religion.

We do have two days a week set aside for countryside walking, on the coast midweek and inland weekends to avoid the weekender hoards. Then when wifey goes to exercise class I take myself off for a walk or a town visit.

So to sooth my savaged breast I just embarked on a new hobby, and it will be no more probably ever than just a hobby. I always wondered if I could play a musical instrument. I was pretty useless at recorder at school. I did play drum in marching band when I was in military. I like music where the notes/melody are clearly heard and piano comes to mind but I settled for a beginners violin, or rather hopefully fiddle (same thing) but I do like blue grass and other such folk music. Now when missus is out I scrape and saw to youtube beginner videos. The cat is not impressed, lol, so I guess I got some way to go yet before I appear at the Ole Opry. At least for DW and neighbors (and the cat's [DC?]) sake I didn't take up bagpipes, lol, even though they do fascinate me.

My quieter hobby is cooking, nothing elaborate. This weeks experiment was okonomiyaki, a Japanese veggie/noodle pancakey thing. The second attempt was declared delicious by Miss June. Some praise that from a girl that banned me from making anymore Chinese food dinners when I was once on a roll with all kind of wondrous recipes. I think the boiled chicken feet that looked like decapitated infants hands was the last straw.

So whats all this to do with OP theme of home and belonging, just that I'm learning a new life here, it's taking time and effort.

windsong

JJ, I think you should go easy on yourself I believe you recently retired AND moved countries. Retirement itself is a huge adjustment and so is moving to another country.

I think your music is very good for you. Anything in the creative arts soothes the soul. The more you connect with creativity, the more you will heal whatever is bothering you and the more in touch you will be with your own self.

In my own life, whenever I have felt disconnected or depressed, I have thrown myself into the creative arts "more" than usual. It is also in those times that I deliberately think of some way to help those in need. In giving to others, I have unwittingly helped myself. This is not saying you should do this; I'm simply sharing what has helped me in the hopes it might help you.

Perth

Ah, this sounds lovely There is hope for you yet By the way, OH plays the concertina - and I have just tolerated it for years. I think the decibel level on that thing approaches that of bagpipes. So it's either true love or I am maybe going deaf

jemima55

J.Js.OH, I can empathise with you in that my OH loved living in the US and felt lukewarm about returning to the UK. Since being back, though, he has resumed some hobbies he previously enjoyed, but didn't do in the US. Friends have been really great at inviting us out. Life has taken a different turn. He hasn't found it easy, but, I think, is quite surprised that its not that bad after all.
Sounds like you are really putting in the effort, too, not so sure about that Japanese dish though!

J.JsOH

I concur, on the whole, life in England is good.
I too enjoyed living in US and there was able to integrate or ignore aspects of life. Life in US never bothered me the way it does some expats.
In England there are some things, mainly society related, that I personally have struggled to either re-integrate with or be able to re-ignore.

windsong

Hobbies really, really, really help!!!

I wonder why it is that some have trouble adjusting. Is it simply because change is always difficult or are there some aspects of the UK they don't like? Is it because when in the USA they totally integrated with the lifestyle (more than others did perhaps)?

For myself, I have retained (I hope) my "Britishness" more than most, I think. I lead a very simply life and enjoy my home life and my pets. I socialize very occasionally because it is during those times that I feel most "different". I can't fake the shallowness or the fake friendships or the idle chatter. I don't follow politics here any more because it's pointless. I read very little of the news and watch British TV online.

Perhaps if I embraced the socializing, the drinks in the bar and dinner afterwards scene, embraced American sports, etc., I could understand a bit of an adjustment period upon returning to the UK - or is it something else that makes some feel unsettled upon returning?

J.JsOH

It's a complete mystery to me.

I do feel that US had a 'can do' attitude and England has a 'can't do' attitude, generally speaking, in my opinion and observance, and I feel dragged down by the 'can't do' Brits.

In the part of US that I landed in I felt a good fit within my close environment. No, I did not make effort to become American, no gun, cowboy hat or boots for me, no pool parties, no sport, mint juleps or KKK for me and I did not hear a gunshot in my 18 yrs there. Nor did I make effort to retain Britishness, I just went with the flow.
I just worked hard as many of you all do, I am a workaholic but still I took vacations within and outside USA (Brit employer so I got more than the usual days vacation), I saved hard (and had higher salary than my UK counterparts) I had a convertible (and put the top up only in summer), I took long weekends away on the open roads to all 100 counties in the state, to the wide open beaches and the mountains. I had a mortgage and a suburban house with land around it and no fences or walls. I had no close US (or UK friends), just friendly colleagues and neighbors. I did voluntary teaching English as 2nd Language (lol, no, not to Americans but to other foreigners). I felt successful and I felt in control of my lifestyle. (this may not have been the case I feel if I had lived in a northern state rather than 'the South')

So why am I not having so much fun now back in UK. I have just as much money, a paid for house, still no close friends, yet holidays and weekends away.

Workwise, before lay off, I felt browbeaten and undervalued by my employer. I feel the weight of the nanny state, and the near influence of government peering into my wallet and political parties arguing over the contents. I feel resistance to coarse eastern Europeans that seem to be threatening the society of Britishness. I feel the closeness of the people living around me. I feel cramped in a smaller house (although now getting used to it). I feel hemmed in by traffic on the roads. If I think about my situation then I feel the weight of all this. And I feel this has all worsened while I been abroad. I am disappointed and dismayed by (some of) English society that I have experienced, particularly the selfish, greedy aspects.
I rarely read newspapers so it is not their influence. It is just what my senses are telling me.
I do not spend time comparing there to here, only for the purpose of making posts on BE (hmmm, maybe I should stop reading and posting on BE)

My escape is to get away into the countryside, (which fortunately I can do quite easily) away from the shopping crowds and the tv, into the open then I feel much happier. I am happier here when alone, yet not lonely. I'm grateful that DW is of similar disposition.
So all is not lost and I don't hanker to move back to US, and the desire to go back for holiday is lessening too. I am committed to staying in UK so I will fight this through until I have found my niche here. I know the problem is my perceptions and that I just have to ignore the bad and enjoy the good.

cheers

Was this the same employer you had in the US and before that the UK?

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I will keep my eyes open on my visit next month. (first visit in 11 years. The first time I hear the F word in public I will be right back)

Cheers

J.JsOH

No, not the same employer that I had in the UK and that I moved to the US with. That one closed their US operation and laid me off. Then in US I picked up with a US employer and it was that company that kept me on back in UK operations.

About the F*** word, it, and tattoos and piercings and shaven heads (lol, and that's just the women) really put me off when I got back to UK but it doesn't shock my sensibilities now as much as it did. The F** word still makes me cringe but it has become familiar now. DW says I swear more now that I did in US, when in Rome I guess.

J.JsOH

I feel I must add;

I am aware that what I describe here is similar in tune - just not the same subjects - to what many discontent expats feel about their adopted country, I just feel it on my return to UK after fitting in and enjoying life abroad.

If I hadn't enjoyed living abroad then I would be more grateful for the positives that Britain has to offer.

I am aware that I am comfortably off and if I was having to scratch out a living as many less fortunate returnees have to do then maybe I wouldn't be thinking of all this stuff that I find negative.

These negatives do not rule my life, and like the F*** word which is commonly heard in public here, I am aware of them all and gradually tuning them out. Will never accept them, but like a wart on a finger, will learn to live with them.
Thank you for reading, typing these things out is therapeutic for me.

Me uptight in objecting to the negatives I see ? no, not really, I let dandelions grow in my lawn but I do have a strong sense of duty, patriotism and moral code when it comes to society that is offended by my observations.

back to original OP of .... sense of home and belonging. Yes, it is home and I do belong here but it's not all tea and toast and snuggly feelings.

jemima55

Yes, it is home and I do belong here but it's not all tea and toast and snuggly feelings.[/QUOTE]

True! It seems as if our country which can always seem a bit negative has accumulated a few more negatives while I've been away!
I had a phone call from my brother in law yesterday telling me about how he'd been made redundant and when searching for a new job, instead of thirty or so companies in his line of business, there were now less than ten. He also sees much more of the influx of Eastern European immigrants than I do, being in an agricultural area. I've never been anti immigration, but I can't just dismiss what others say about it because I live in this nice liberal middle class ghetto where we don't see so much of it.
There must be some explanation for Ukip's success in the local elections.
Ha, ha, this from a returning immigrant, too!