Moving back with a reluctant child
Jan 20th 2019, 6:13 am
#1
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2009
Location: Nelson, NZ
Posts: 37
Moving back with a reluctant child
Hi
Hubby and I are seriously considering a move back to the UK after 9 years in NZ. Variety of reasons - work life balance not what we expected here and really missing family (my mum will be having surgery this year and I would like to be there to support her, mother in law is in poor health). If it was just hubby and I we'd be on a plane no problem. However, we have two daughters (14 and 10) the 14 has said she'd be happy to move back although she'd miss her friends. The 10 year old however, is a more complex little one - she suffers with anxiety. We decided they both need to be involved in the decision due to their ages, however, miss 10 is adamant she doesn't want to move back and it has set of a chain of anxiety. We have recently returned from Christmas in the UK where we had a great time (I know living there would not be like a holiday - not falling into that trap don't worry) and I had hoped it would help her but it hasn't. I'm not sure if it's something anyone on here can really help with but it would be great to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation with children who are very reluctant to make the move. We want to do the best for them and the move to NZ was really about that. However, being so far from family has taken its toll over the years and with certain family issues we really would like to be closer - we can only afford to visit every few years and even then it involves going into debt which is crazy. I would certainly welcome any advice. I wonder if we're being a bit selfish and we wouldn't be better to just stay until the kids have grown up! Thanks
Hubby and I are seriously considering a move back to the UK after 9 years in NZ. Variety of reasons - work life balance not what we expected here and really missing family (my mum will be having surgery this year and I would like to be there to support her, mother in law is in poor health). If it was just hubby and I we'd be on a plane no problem. However, we have two daughters (14 and 10) the 14 has said she'd be happy to move back although she'd miss her friends. The 10 year old however, is a more complex little one - she suffers with anxiety. We decided they both need to be involved in the decision due to their ages, however, miss 10 is adamant she doesn't want to move back and it has set of a chain of anxiety. We have recently returned from Christmas in the UK where we had a great time (I know living there would not be like a holiday - not falling into that trap don't worry) and I had hoped it would help her but it hasn't. I'm not sure if it's something anyone on here can really help with but it would be great to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation with children who are very reluctant to make the move. We want to do the best for them and the move to NZ was really about that. However, being so far from family has taken its toll over the years and with certain family issues we really would like to be closer - we can only afford to visit every few years and even then it involves going into debt which is crazy. I would certainly welcome any advice. I wonder if we're being a bit selfish and we wouldn't be better to just stay until the kids have grown up! Thanks
Jan 20th 2019, 6:48 am
#2
Still alive
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 28,994
Re: Moving back with a reluctant child
Does your 10 year old make all the important decisions in your family? Yes kids should have their opinions, however who's the adult here?
When we moved to Australia our then 9 and 11 year olds said "we aren't moving and you can't make us". We said "yes you are and yes we can". As the parents we choose what's best for the family, the children do not . Wait until she's 18? No. When she's 18 if she wants to go to New Zealand she can. For now, you do what's best for everyone.
When we moved to Australia our then 9 and 11 year olds said "we aren't moving and you can't make us". We said "yes you are and yes we can". As the parents we choose what's best for the family, the children do not . Wait until she's 18? No. When she's 18 if she wants to go to New Zealand she can. For now, you do what's best for everyone.
Jan 20th 2019, 6:50 am
#3
Banned
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,830
Re: Moving back with a reluctant child
Hi
Hubby and I are seriously considering a move back to the UK after 9 years in NZ. Variety of reasons - work life balance not what we expected here and really missing family (my mum will be having surgery this year and I would like to be there to support her, mother in law is in poor health). If it was just hubby and I we'd be on a plane no problem. However, we have two daughters (14 and 10) the 14 has said she'd be happy to move back although she'd miss her friends. The 10 year old however, is a more complex little one - she suffers with anxiety. We decided they both need to be involved in the decision due to their ages, however, miss 10 is adamant she doesn't want to move back and it has set of a chain of anxiety. We have recently returned from Christmas in the UK where we had a great time (I know living there would not be like a holiday - not falling into that trap don't worry) and I had hoped it would help her but it hasn't. I'm not sure if it's something anyone on here can really help with but it would be great to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation with children who are very reluctant to make the move. We want to do the best for them and the move to NZ was really about that. However, being so far from family has taken its toll over the years and with certain family issues we really would like to be closer - we can only afford to visit every few years and even then it involves going into debt which is crazy. I would certainly welcome any advice. I wonder if we're being a bit selfish and we wouldn't be better to just stay until the kids have grown up! Thanks
Hubby and I are seriously considering a move back to the UK after 9 years in NZ. Variety of reasons - work life balance not what we expected here and really missing family (my mum will be having surgery this year and I would like to be there to support her, mother in law is in poor health). If it was just hubby and I we'd be on a plane no problem. However, we have two daughters (14 and 10) the 14 has said she'd be happy to move back although she'd miss her friends. The 10 year old however, is a more complex little one - she suffers with anxiety. We decided they both need to be involved in the decision due to their ages, however, miss 10 is adamant she doesn't want to move back and it has set of a chain of anxiety. We have recently returned from Christmas in the UK where we had a great time (I know living there would not be like a holiday - not falling into that trap don't worry) and I had hoped it would help her but it hasn't. I'm not sure if it's something anyone on here can really help with but it would be great to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation with children who are very reluctant to make the move. We want to do the best for them and the move to NZ was really about that. However, being so far from family has taken its toll over the years and with certain family issues we really would like to be closer - we can only afford to visit every few years and even then it involves going into debt which is crazy. I would certainly welcome any advice. I wonder if we're being a bit selfish and we wouldn't be better to just stay until the kids have grown up! Thanks
Yours is such a personal decision. I'm not sure if anyone can advise you on the better course of action to take. My wife and I partly returned from the UK because of issues concerning family which included our kids and things have worked out well and we are comforted by the results. But your situation is a little different were you are including the input of your pre-teen children in such a major impactful decision about where to live your life. I think it's important to keep in mind that the every day planning of activities in your children lives will help what ever decision you might make.
And knowing whether your children are out going or introvertive can help determine how well they may weather a change in location, and how you might address those changes to keep the kids on track. Please keep in mind that children are pretty durable and pre-teen ages are when kids are often best guided to help them figure out what paths to take. I have two close friends that have made the decision to move back home to GB now before their kids start school. They don't want their kids to start school, fall in love with America and be permanently separately from their kids while they live in GB. Not to mention the kid miss out on spending time with grandparents, uncles, aunties, and cousins. That is why they are moving now. Do you feel that if you did move to the UK, it would be a struggle for your kids to create friendships and fun activities? Do you think they would adjust to school demands without any major hitches? You sound like a very caring and nurturing parent. I'm sure what ever decision you make will be best for the family as well as for your children.
Jan 20th 2019, 7:02 am
#4
Banned
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,830
Re: Moving back with a reluctant child
Does your 10 year old make all the important decisions in your family? Yes kids should have their opinions, however who's the adult here?
When we moved to Australia our then 9 and 11 year olds said "we aren't moving and you can't make us". We said "yes you are and yes we can". As the parents we choose what's best for the family, the children do not . Wait until she's 18? No. When she's 18 if she wants to go to New Zealand she can. For now, you do what's best for everyone.
When we moved to Australia our then 9 and 11 year olds said "we aren't moving and you can't make us". We said "yes you are and yes we can". As the parents we choose what's best for the family, the children do not . Wait until she's 18? No. When she's 18 if she wants to go to New Zealand she can. For now, you do what's best for everyone.
Jan 20th 2019, 10:40 am
#5
Joined: Feb 2012
Location: Not in Paris
Posts: 18,192
Re: Moving back with a reluctant child
Make sure everyone has NZ passports and then just leave. A 10 year old shouldn’t be dictating the course of action for the rest of the family.
