UKBritExpat

I feel like I have a lot to write. I'm probably using this to vent out my thoughts of my situation. But I have to write out some genuine points and convince myself I am doing the right thing.
About me: Born and raised in Essex, England. I'm 43 now. I moved to California and married an American woman when I was 27. Divorced 5 years ago. I stayed with my dog. Got dual citizenship now. No kids....that I am aware of lol.

Oh first of all.... I have a a 401k question. I have some money in a 401k here. Should I leave it or roll it over to a IRA or take a hit and cash out the money now. I'm tempted to take the cash but I know long term that would be dumb.

Ok so I spent the last 16 years in Sonoma County, California. But I became very isolated and lonely the last 5 years. I tried various meetup groups and dating sites. I went back to England over a year ago for two months with my dog with the intention to stay, but family crisis and an old flame back in California pulled me back to America. Unfortunately, that didn't last(no offense, but probably will never date a bi-polar person again) and I got back to life again in America. I got back to my isolation of living in California.
With the cost of living I decided to move to Portland, OR this past October for a change and one last roll of the dice. But, after 4 months of being here I don't feel much different. So I am planning on going back to England for good now.

My mind goes back and fourth daily on what I am doing and how I am mentally feeling. But here are the reasons I want to go home:

• Vacation Time - The biggest issue I have found with America that impacts me probably so much more than anything else is burn out from work. It's something I have never gotten to grips with here. I used to get 29 days paid vacation in the UK. My current employer in Oregon who I am contracting with has offered me a permanent role. I would get 12 days paid holiday. Mostly every European person I have met in America has the same view. A guy I work with here is from Romania. He said to me "If you want to make money come to America. If you want a life then go back to Europe". It also probably doesn't help seeing my Dad go to Tenerife all the time, and my other UK friends on Facebook traveling constantly whilst I am stuck in a cubicle for what feel like a prison sentence. Yes I have a lot of money saved up, but I have nobody here. Which leads me to my next point..
• Loneliness - I feel like it's hard to give up a life here. It's so different from the UK. I have had the privilege to be here and experience it. I am lucky. But I am tired. The American dream is not something I desire if I am alone and lonely. It's been a challenging 5 years. I have spent many weekends alone and thinking I could be at a football game with my Brother or visiting Mum or Dad. I sometimes walk around at the weekends and say to myself Why am I still here? What the f**k am I still doing here?
• Healthcare - How can a country that's over $23 Trillion in debt not give it's citizens healthcare. I hear American's say that there is no waiting time here in USA. But in California it would take me a week or more to get a Dr's appointment and months to see a specialist. How is that different from the NHS? Also, I have racked up $20,000 USD in medical bills over the course of my stay in America. Land of the Free? or Land of the Fee?

Things I worry about going back home:

• I will want to run again. I am very apprehensive about trying to settle down and being happy with the choice I made, especially on challenging days I will be thinking why did I just not stay in America. The grass is always greener knee jerk reaction when things are not going right.
• Where am I going to live that will be comparable to what I am used to here. I think I want to try Devon or Cornwall or somewhere in the West Country. Definitely away from big city expensive life.
• Work - I work in IT. Tech Support. I feel confident I will find work. I am encouraged by the jobs listed on UK job sites. I do have money to keep me going for probably a year or more.

Things I look forward to:

• Family and Friends - Something I cant get here
• Holidays - With family and friends and weeks away in Spain etc like when I was younger. I have not had a 2 week sunny holiday in decades.
• British culture - TV, Food OMG cheap food bills. America's food is expensive compared to the UK.
• Healthcare - No more reading manuals on which health coverage I want or am willing to spend on myself. Hmm how much am I worth?
• English Women LOL - My other English friend here has given up on American women he said. He's now dating a Philippine lady. I just haven't found another American woman who I connect with culturally and with the same sense of humor. My ex was an exception to that rule. My family said you just need to come home and find a good English girl or you will end up in Canada like Prince Harry.

As I said to my Dad recently, I just moved to Portland where it's very green and rainy. If I am going to live like this, then I may as well just come home and get the benefits of what the UK has to offer.

I am sure I may add to this post. But these are just my thoughts flowing through me at the moment.

My lease expires in March 2020. I am looking to move soon after if not before.

I have learned a great deal on my adventure living in America. I have learned a lot about myself. Finding the strength to live alone and so far from family. You rely on yourself a lot.
My old landlord said to me once that you should not rely on others for your happiness. It's not the answer. Happiness comes from within. <---- I feel like that is what a lot of people repeat like a sound bite or a meme they read somewhere. I understand the meaning. Living alone is a challenge. I have done it for a long time. I survived. But, it's not enough. I think you can only do this for so long. It only gets you so far. It's the memories and sharing experiences that is what I enjoy. Eventually you need people around you to share your life with. As a famous Brit once said 'We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give".

Helen1964

It doesn’t sound like you have anything to lose. I think you’re playing it too safe.
The fact you have dual citizenship and no kids means that if it doesn’t work out, you can very easily move back. Indeed you’ve already proved that.
Knowing you can run will surely go some way towards combating the urge to run.

Other things you can do to avoid feeling trapped: rent, don’t buy. And get a little camper van.

Also, if the UK doesn’t do it for you, you could perhaps look at Portugal. Plenty of IT jobs.

Not sure how much IT work there is in Devon & Cornwall but it shouldn’t be difficult to find out.

Helen1964

“As a famous Brit once said 'We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give".

Good grief, don’t be coming out with any of that nonsense when you’re dating British women. I have plenty of single female friends and while their FB pages may be littered with positive affirmations and other assorted tidbits of philosophical psycho babble, most of us just want a bloke who can fix stuff.

SanDiegogirl

Love it ......

fulwood

Hi I feel exactly like you do. I've been in US 35 years and have been very lonely. I wanted to travel and see different parts of the States. I moved to Texas and it has been a disaster.. Most of it is due to fact I hate Odessa but another part is outside of work I have absolutely no friends. I spend weekends alone, on computer for hours at a time. I then realized much as I want to see different states I don't want to do it alone. Had enough of being alone. I am moving back to Arizona. I have a few friends there but ones I only see maybe once or twice a month if I'm lucky. My life changed drastically when my brother died at age 49. In the early days of his cancer diagnosis when we didn't know how fast spreading it was we talked about living together and travelling around. I am still devastated by his death and what might have been. I do miss UK but not sure i can settle there either but I have maintained friendships but they have moved on with their lives and there may not be any room for me.. I am okay right now with decision to move to Arizona due to well paying job. The only other thing I will do before I make decision to move back to UK is to be closer to sister in Cali. We have strange relationship as she was adopted and I didn't see her until I was nearly 40. I have a nephew and brother-in-law which is rather nice for this rather lonely person. I wish I had better words of advice but wish you well whatever you decide to do. Just know there are others that can relate to your situation.

UKBritExpat

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you....or your washer machine

UKBritExpat

You read my mind. I fancy a camper van to go traveling. I have owned houses before. Have no desire to own another any time soon, especially in this current housing bubble.

Evenstar120

Sounds like you have nothing keeping you in the US. Coming home to your family and friends might be the best option for you. If there is just you and the dog to fly back that should be straightforward enough. Do you need to ship any furniture or other possessions back?

GeniB

Hi UK Brit...from that long post I think you know the answer... Your ready to move back to the UK.. You are however very much aware that you will have to give somethings up..As a typical 'third country ex-pat ' ( I have mentioned this concept before ) ie someone who actually lives between two cultures .You will always have this dilemma Once we move away from our original culture we enter this state ,and thus nowhere will ever completely feel totally right for us. again ( at least that is experienced by many many ex-pats )
You have to decide ...and possible list... the most important things in your life...Things you can no longer live without... I actually think by writing this post ,you have

Most of my family are ex-pats--- living in various countries around the world The most successful have families around them.The very basic requirement .and they have made long term friends .Those two things make a life. Without them I think it is very hard to live in another country, thats not your own.

Re-entry though can be just as hard. It is going to require some effort on your part .The first thing to understand is that it's not the country you left all those years ago. Your family might be mostly the same ,but your friends will have moved on. The 'rule' is not to talk about the USA , and all you have left behind.. ie to compare countries . That was always a 'killer' in my family reunions .and you will be highly tempted once reality sets in.
I didn't move back to the UK after my long stint abroad ,I just knew I wouldn't be able to stand the climate ,so I moved to Portugal.Its the best compromise for me. Close enough to visit the UK regularly ,but a totally different climate very similar to California .. That another thing to consider, once back in Europe you will have other options. Good luck

UKBritExpat

No. I will just return the same way I came in. Two suitcases

UKBritExpat

Thanks for your response. It's been a funny week. Just after I posted this, my Mum died in England. That kinda shook things up. But I have been thinking about possibly living abroad in Europe. I am financially free for a while and I have thought about taken a year out to do the things I dreamed about. I was thinking about going to Tenerife and taking Spanish classes to learn the language. Might be a nice break and open doors to new opportunities.

drhewitt

Hi, just read your posts and it echos my thoughts. I just noticed you're the same age as me.


"I sometimes walk around at the weekends and say to myself Why am I still here? What the f**k am I still doing here?"

I say that every day but my two kids remind me of why I am here. I am going through a separation and possible divorce. Mine are 15 and 13 and I have to be here till they graduate. Outside of that I have no other family here and not that many friends.


"The American dream is not something I desire if I am alone and lonely."

I've lived the American dream but I'm afraid of being alone and isolated - I know my kids will go their own independent ways and that's to be expected. I plan on staying with relatives in London when I eventually do move.

All my family are in England and Ireland.

shelley748

So very sorry for your loss.

GeniB

I am so very sorry for your loss UK Brit... My condolences.The death of someone close does concentrate the mind on the important things in life. it is exactly as people tell you, life is too short ,so follow your dream and go to Tenerife You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain in experiencing a different part of the world. Good luck

MattOR

If you leave the US but think you might return again then leave the 401k alone and let it mature, or roll it into an IRA. If you're moving back to the UK for good then I'd be tempted to cash it out now and convert it to sterling. You'd take the tax hit and pay penalties but you would also take advantage of the really good exchange rate.

I can relate to your other comments. I've been in Portland for the last 24 years (and love it still) but I'm starting to believe life in the USA is just one big con. Ridiculously expensive healthcare, no vacation, family on the other side of the planet, and a 40-hour paycheck for a 50-hour workweek are just a few examples of why I increasingly feel like I'm done here. I am married and financially responsible for the two of us so ripping up roots and moving overseas requires buy in and support from her. That's where the plan falls apart. She said she's willing to try but every time I initiate a serious conversation it usually ends with, "Lets just move to Virginia so I can be near my family. You will love it there if you just open your mind to it". Already been there and done that and am not doing it again. You on the other hand are only responsible for yourself and if I were in your position I would not hesitate. I would be on the first plane out of here.

Best of luck.