winterbird

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious (and calm) talk with your husband. Men deal with problems by offering solutions, they are not good with the understanding bit. They might tell you to "just get on with it" or ignore it and hope that you will "snap out of it" sooner or later.

You need to let him know, you aren't throwing tantrums, list down why you don't think it will work for you by staying here. Work out a compromise, 6 months, a year? Something!

Good luck!!!

pinkkristen

If you peeps are missing British TV, you can download BBC I Player. Russell Brant actually thanked the BBC on Tv the other day for enabling him to watch brit tv in the USA. If you google 'Expat Shield' you can then download all the software and literally within 10 mins you have all the BBC channels!! They are a day late - but who cares if it get you away from crap American (and in my case crap Canadian) tv!!

Might help a little bit! I hear you all on the homesicness, i, after 2 years am still very confused! I too am a stay at home mum and don't really talk to anybody all day! I throw myself into going to the gym in the day and the demon wine at night!!
Not great, but it gets me through! I have days where i am ok with it all and others when i am just in floods all day!

weymouth1506

I will try to make him understand again but i think its only going in so far! We have had so many discussions about this and the saddest part is if i thought he was as blissfully unhappy as i am here then i would say lets go back! In actual fact we did say this to each other before we left. Just after xmas i sat him down and said how i was missing home but was still willing to give it a go and i would see how i felt next year which he was like ok thats fine but now hes trying to hard to get me to see that this was a great move for us all. He isnt happy in his job here so moving to another state seems to be the option for him i dnt even think i really come into the equation!! Well its up to him what he does and im being serious if it means he goes his way and i go mine then so be it!!

sallysimmons

I think you just described the problem. Just after Christmas, you told him you were willing to give it a go. That's only 7 weeks ago!

Now you're saying you'll walk out if he doesn't do what you want. But men being men, I don't think he knows what you want. If you talk to him about it, you have to lay it out very clearly so there's no misunderstanding: "I want to go home and I'm going whether or not you come." Don't say you'll try. Don't say you'll wait 3 months. Don't equivocate. If you do any of that, he won't get what you're really saying and it's only fair that he understands the stakes.

weymouth1506

I tell him everyday how i feel i havent changed my mind at all. But i think hes thinking that i will. We both discussed that it wouldnt be forever anyway which is fine but i am now faced with the same situation i was in nearly 18 years ago when i moved from dorset to the midlands the minute i moved he told me he would never go back to my home town! Now were here hes done exactly the same! We both decided to try but every time i mention going back to the uk he says he doent want to ever go back!! I think its pretty low dnt you!! Hes also been getting my hopes up by saying one minute we will return then changing his mind hes driving me mad so on top of how im feeling about the place anyway its making me feel crappy everyday that im here!!!

MoshiMoshi

Oh dear, this sounds so difficult . Sometimes the back-and-forthing is the worst -- apparently agreeing, then disagreeing, then agreeing and so on.

Maybe you could make a pact to not even mention staying or going for x weeks/months? Not to sweep the issue under the carpet, but to give both of you a chance to experience Florida without the constant stay-or-go discussions, and to really truly settle what your feelings are?

And, please please pleeease don't feel obliged to answer this, but, reading your posts, I had to ask: are you really prepared to go back to the UK without your husband? Can you actually see it happening?

I'm sorry for asking that. I feel like ultimatums are real relationship dynamite -- especially as husbands are notorious for thinking you're just being emotional, not serious -- and wondered if you have a clear plan when you say 'with or without you', or are simply dealing best you can with daily unhappiness in Florida.

MoshiMoshi

Oh my god: a permanent academic job. THE DREAM! Fingers crossed here, too, but I think reasonably speaking we have at least 3 more years of temporary to go.

I really identify with your 'as if' philosophy. We call it the 'hanging pictures' strategy over here. I've moved house eleven times in the last eight years, and at first I hardly ever hung pictures or photos because, well, it's rented accommodation and you don't want to mark the walls. After a while, bare walls got totally depressing, so we made a pact saying to hell with it, we're going to make our home wherever we're staying, even if we know we won't be there long.

So now we hang tons of pictures and I'm a dab hand with the polyfilla-and-repaint when we move out. It's not the most rational use of time and energy, but it makes me happy. We apply this rationale to making friends, starting projects, buying large and impractical objects and, to a certain extent, getting our 2 cats (with the caveat that you can't pack up cats with picture frames; we're hoping not to move another eleven times, as one transatlantic flight avec cats was enough for all of us). Quite possibly we'll have to take this attitude when we decide to have a baby, too -- yeah, or perhaps not. Giving that one a few years!

weymouth1506

I think that sounds like a good plan to me!!!! Im not going to say another word about the move and because we had planned this move as only temporary i just thought well i will try and make the most of it whilst im out here!! I will talk to my husband tonight again tell him how i feel and lets just see how it goes from there! I think he just completely shocked me last night when he said he had applied for work in San Diego!!!

And yes i would return to the uk without him!!!!!! Ive spent to many years feeling un happy!!

Bevm

To Miami078,

I have to say that if the plans depend on your husband getting a permanent university position, they're very shaky. They are so hard to get.

I lived in Canada for 30 years, but I also have a lot of American friends, and it surprised me how often it had been taken for granted that the wife would work to put the husband through university and through the early stages of his career. Some of my friends automatically dropped out of university when they married, so they could work and make it easier for hubby to get his qualifications.

I went to university in England in the '60s and a number of friends got married, in two cases because the woman got pregnant. But the women didn't drop out. They found ways to manage, even with babies. It just wasn't considered. I'd have thought in the UK it was even more so here, but I think the old idea lingers in the US.

So his family probably thinks it's your duty as a good wife, just as long as he needs it that way. And he might, too. Just a warning.

Why shouldn't you go for your masters while he takes some paying work for a while to support you? Fair's fair.

Bev

sallysimmons

My husband was adamant about not moving back at first. I have had to be patient. I made my feelings clear but tried my hardest not to push too hard. Funnily enough, I found that when I decided to back off and give him some space, he came round. He suggested a trip back last year to check things out, which we did. It went really well, and now we speak more and more in terms of moving home a few years from now. I hope that he will come round to making the move sooner rather than later, but patience has worked for me so far in combination with being very clear about my feelings.

Good luck!

miami078

To Bev

May I say you have hit the nail on the head. The Scary thing is I never in my life thought I was the sort of person to give up my career for my husbands – not that there is necessarily anything wrong with that but only if it is a choice…it kind of seems to have slipped by me under the pretence that is was always a short term thing (which is why I was ok with the situation…..3/4 years go)! Before this I was very very independent. I definitely agree with the difference between the UK and USA and I am so glad you have pointed it out as it makes so much sense. Previously I had though it was more “my family versus his family” thing e.g my family keep telling me to get back to uni or to my previous career whilst my husbands family are all about his career and how he shouldn’t work full time whilst it is very much expected for me to put my life on hold and I shouldn’t be unhappy to be here.

To be honest I have gotten a great wakeup call and you are right – in the past when I was single I always found ways to follow my career as I also had a very inconsistent job. I can see how by staying in this job and not doing anything about it is perpetuating his behavior – after all with a family telling you to work less and a wife supporting you - who would want to change anything!

Very interesting to know that this may be a cultural thing. I remember actually telling my mother in law that I was eager to get back to university to finish studies and get a job before settling down – she seemed to think I should have children and a family first and then maybe go back to my studies as if it was a hobby! It’s hard though as I feel as if I am spending my time trying to defend myself – fighting for what I want against what the OH and his family think I should like/enjoy. Apparently I am not meant to want to go out socializing but should be happy baking whilst the men watch football (aghghg)!

I definitely need to do something to regain my identity before I run back to the UK!

Thanks everyone for the comments to help spur me on!

jemima55

I hear you, Miami, because I get the same! One week one thing, another week another! I wont believe it till the furniture`s bobbing back across the Atlantic.
My four years of observation have shown me that I am way outside my comfort zone here, so it`s as if life is constantly an effort.
Three different supermarkets in order to keep up a balanced diet.
Same language (more or less) but completely different attitudes, on race, healthcare, religion etc.
Have to keep myself to myself because I dont know who I can trust, and mostly connect with people on a superficial level.
Missing the network of friends of all ages I have built up over years.
The crumbling roads.
The scary weather and power outages. It seems like Armaggedon every time we get a snowstorm or strong winds, and why is my husband always away on business at such times?
The "old fashioned" feel of the place. I want that DeLorean so I can go "Back to the Future".
I was glad to read that remark about it being a brave thing to do to live in another country. Yes it is! We are all doing it, so power to us!

englishtea66

It's a little to early to throw in the towel. You said you live in Florida, there is so many british people live there. If you live close to Orlando they have a lot of British stores there that have british food. It will take a while to get used to things. But you will enjoy it once you get the lay of the land... good luck

jemima55

Bumping this up as I really want to know who will play you in "Lollygaggers: the movie". I have declared me, Emma Thompson, but who will be my desperate neighbours? Am also thinking Nicholas Cage could be the mailman.
Who else have we got? Surely we can make a film to rival "The King`s Speech", even if it`s only imaginary.

MoshiMoshi

Oh my goodness, look at us going all off-topic and talking about homesickness and careers and relationship, and meanwhile 'Lollygaggers' is being put into pre-production with Renee Zellweger, Madonna and Kevin Costner as the British leads.

Right, so Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman are taken (Jemima55, I'll always hear your posts in an Emma Thompson voice from now on!).

I think I'll give Sophie Ellis-Bexter her acting debut as 'Moshi Moshi/Los Angeles'. We're the same age and share the same unfortunate face-shape (even though she's also got big eyes, big lips and cheekbones; I don't). For my later scenes, which will be set in a mental asylum, I will be played by Helena Bonham Cartner at her most demented.

Since Alan Rickman has already been nabbed, I'll nominate Noah Wyle to play my husband. I know he's American, but don't worry -- it's a non-speaking part. Again, the resemblance is tenuous, but Noah did well faffing around with equations and generally questioning the fabric of reality in 'Donne Darko', and that's right on the money for my husband.