losing hope...

Old May 17th 2014, 12:49 am
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Default Re: losing hope...

Not sure how things work in your state but I know here in BC, Canada if you are the custodial parent you can petition the courts for the right to move with your children, especially if it is for employment. Talk to a lawyer and see if maybe they have to same thing there.
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Old May 17th 2014, 12:55 am
  #32  
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Default Re: losing hope...

Originally Posted by backtomypast View Post
Not sure how things work in your state but I know here in BC, Canada if you are the custodial parent you can petition the courts for the right to move with your children, especially if it is for employment. Talk to a lawyer and see if maybe they have to same thing there.
This (above)sounds promising. Karrie... send me a PM and I'll put you in touch with a good friend ((he was my best man for my 2nd and current (very happy) marriage)). He does divorce law in NH and MA and may very well in ME but if not will give you some freebie advice I'm sure.
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Old May 17th 2014, 1:54 am
  #33  
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Default Re: losing hope...

Originally Posted by Giantaxe View Post
Are you basing that on a legal judgment or on what you see as the current reality of the situation? If the latter, your husband may well perceive it differently, especially if you are all still living in the same house.

Really, the only advice to give in this situation is get some legal advice as to your options. You shouldn't have to pay a $$$ retainer to get this. Find a family law attorney who's willing to sit down with you on a per hour basis.
I guess I'm perceiving that I am the custodial parent, although no legal decision has been made, he moved out a few months ago and I've been doing 99% of the parenting.
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Old May 17th 2014, 2:25 am
  #34  
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Default Re: losing hope...

Originally Posted by Karrie72 View Post
I guess I'm perceiving that I am the custodial parent, although no legal decision has been made, he moved out a few months ago and I've been doing 99% of the parenting.
If I were in your shoes I would get a family court to formalize custody arrangements. That at least would put him on the spot as to whether he really does want to be involved in his children's lives. If he doesn't then that would strengthen your hand if and when you requested to move back to the UK with your children. But bear in mind that he could argue that where he's moved out to isn't a good place for his kids to live; that he doesn't want to disrupt them when things are in flux etc etc...
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Old May 17th 2014, 2:48 am
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Default Re: losing hope...

Originally Posted by Giantaxe View Post
If I were in your shoes I would get a family court to formalize custody arrangements. That at least would put him on the spot as to whether he really does want to be involved in his children's lives. If he doesn't then that would strengthen your hand if and when you requested to move back to the UK with your children. But bear in mind that he could argue that where he's moved out to isn't a good place for his kids to live; that he doesn't want to disrupt them when things are in flux etc etc...
Thanks for those thoughts. I think thats where his head is at, he doesn't have a residence yet and I'm guessing he wants 50-50 custody. The fact that he's been gone for three months and could be described as absent in our lives.
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Old May 17th 2014, 8:56 am
  #36  
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Default Re: losing hope...

I read about your situation yesterday (UKtime) and simply did not know what to say. This situation is ripping so many families apart, even when couples are together. It must be so much worse for you.


Originally Posted by MrMuffin View Post
Hi Karrie. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

I've been through a childless divorce with my first wife and frankly, it was a painful exercise after getting lawyers involved. At the end of the day, you need to have a lawyer that you can bring up to speed in terms of your situation so that they know ALL the ins and outs and that they don't get blindsided in a court situation during one of the hearings for the steps of the divorce.

Basically, in my opinion, the divorce situation becomes a complete mess after you stop talking and discussing with your other half, and lawyers have to be the main communicators. In my case, I was dealing with my ex who at first was mutually in agreement that we separate after a 12 year marriage of unhappiness, separate vacations (and bedrooms) and a lack of anything but a business we started together. But after going out for cocktails one evening with an old friend (and divorce attorney) she decided to change course and tactics and make me fight for myself. Obviously my own situation is unimportant here, but the purpose of sharing this info is that my divorce became ugly at the point of having to get a divorce lawyer for myself. It cost me many thousands of dollars to get the 'clock' time to bring the guy up to speed. Even then, I ended up settling the situation myself over the phone with my ex without the help and assistance of the lawyer, primarily by doing my best to urge us both to remove any emotion from the discussions and try to keep a level head at all times and just 'talk' everything through. It took many hours on the phone long distance (I had since moved to the East Coast) but we got it done and signed off by the courts. Thankfully we haven't had to speak since. It took about 2 1/2 years to settle from initial filing to completion. And honestly, that would have been halved if we had just not gone the attorney route.

I realize of course that your situation is totally different, but I urge you to try your best to just keep talking and discuss the options. You need to make it clear to him that your situation is exactly what it is and how few options you have and play on the heartstrings. Your family and support network are in the UK. He is and has been the breadwinner for a long time. Do your best to remind him that you're still the same person and that you were happy together enough to have a family. And that family... your kids... deserve their parents to be as happy as possible.

I don't know what you can do or come up with, but it sounds wholly unfair that he is so black and white on this... being that he will not discuss at all the possibility of you getting custody of the kids and being able to raise them with your support system in the UK.

If you cannot talk without emotions and anger coming into play then it might take a while, but you've got to make him think reasonably. IMO, you've got to do that yourself. Sure an arbitrator might help but again they don't know anything about you so they have to get that learning done first. Unless you can 'use' a close family friend that is truly impartial, to help you talk to each other.

Give it a try and see where it goes. You might have to give a lot up... you might have to split up the kids. I don't know. But I truly wish you the best and I feel for your situation. Please take care and try to keep positive in some way. All the best.


Originally Posted by Karrie72 View Post
MrMuffin, thanks so much for your thoughts and sharing your experience of this. I'm not a rich person so having to shell out $4000 just to retain a lawyer is making me sick to my stomach. I wish he and I could sit down and talk, goodness knows I've tried. He won't answer his phone, refuses to meet and discuss anything. I honestly feel like I'll die here if I'm forced to live here. I know that sounds horribly defeatist and 'wet' but I've been on countdown mode to moving since I moved here practically. He has all his family around who I've now lost and nothing will change for him I can't fathom why someone would treat the Mother of their child like this. He says he'll never let them go, won't even discuss it. I even offered to try it out for a year then come back if the kids hated it. But no luck.

I guess I have to make the most of my situation and plan a trip back to the uk once a year...
This bothers me. I think I know how you mean it-the death of your spirit more then anything, but it shows the extent of your utter distress. If it is otherwise, then you absolutely must weigh up the option of leaving your children so that they at least have a Mum who to be blunt,-remains alive, though living in another country.

This is a blistering decision, but it might-might be one you must look at ironically to 'be there' for your children.

Originally Posted by MrMuffin View Post
This (above)sounds promising. Karrie... send me a PM and I'll put you in touch with a good friend ((he was my best man for my 2nd and current (very happy) marriage)). He does divorce law in NH and MA and may very well in ME but if not will give you some freebie advice I'm sure.
This is lovely! It is BE at its best!

Originally Posted by Giantaxe View Post
If I were in your shoes I would get a family court to formalize custody arrangements. That at least would put him on the spot as to whether he really does want to be involved in his children's lives. If he doesn't then that would strengthen your hand if and when you requested to move back to the UK with your children. But bear in mind that he could argue that where he's moved out to isn't a good place for his kids to live; that he doesn't want to disrupt them when things are in flux etc etc...
If you stay-or will stay perhaps for the short term (however long that is!). I think this is crucial. The legal route on this issue (children) is vital.

It might sound ludicrous, but take a few days to glean what calm you can for yourself. You need your mental strength to be able to deal with these issues. The utter distress that they cause-quite predictably, can impair your capacity to deal with them, and ultimately can be used against you as an unfit Mother............because of your distressed 'behaviour'. Do not empower him with that.

At this time of complete upset, it is somewhat cruelly vital for you to hold it together, and deal with what needs to be done. It's an unfair world Karrie. Deal the hand you are dealt, rather than the hand you feel you should have.

Seek support from a women's group. I'm not talking strident man bashing feminists here, but women who understand and provide some support.
The feeling of being alone is utterly debilitating.

My very best wishes go to you.
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Old May 17th 2014, 2:24 pm
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Default Re: losing hope...

Great advice from TEIN!

I know what you mean about thinking you would die there. I have felt the same way at times when I thought I would never leave here but it is as TEIN said, it is the death of the soul and you need to preserve that at all costs - otherwise, there is "nothing"!

From my own experience, I can truly say life can be a miracle. You never know what each new day brings. Sometimes life presents us with open doors we never ever could have imagined. Don't lose hope!!
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Old May 17th 2014, 2:32 pm
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Default Re: losing hope...

Originally Posted by MrMuffin View Post
This (above)sounds promising. Karrie... send me a PM and I'll put you in touch with a good friend ((he was my best man for my 2nd and current (very happy) marriage)). He does divorce law in NH and MA and may very well in ME but if not will give you some freebie advice I'm sure.
Bless you Mr Muffin, what a lovely offer to Karrie
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Old May 17th 2014, 2:49 pm
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Originally Posted by spouse of scouse View Post
Bless you Mr Muffin, what a lovely offer to Karrie
I agree!!! So thoughtful and kind.
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Old May 17th 2014, 3:07 pm
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Default Re: losing hope...

I haven't been on here for a few days - just came across this thread. Karrie I am so sorry for what has happened - you must be absolutely devastated. As others have said - get a good lawyer, but also try mediation. Divorce is not easy but much worse when there are minor children involved. I got divorced here, but my children were adults (youngest in college at the time). I thought I would die at the time - but eventually you do start living again. I realize your situation is totally different to mine and your children are so much younger. Will be thinking about you and sending hugs your way. Take care of yourself.
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Old May 17th 2014, 4:05 pm
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Such good advice from everybody and kindness too. I can't see the woods for the trees ATM. It's like dealing with two deaths; marriage and a new start in the UK. As well as a third death, my soul. I know that sounds horribly dramatic.

Some people have suggested going back anyway to save myself. I can't even begin to imagine the hurt that would cause my children.
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Old May 17th 2014, 4:39 pm
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Default Re: losing hope...

Originally Posted by Karrie72 View Post
Such good advice from everybody and kindness too. I can't see the woods for the trees ATM. It's like dealing with two deaths; marriage and a new start in the UK. As well as a third death, my soul. I know that sounds horribly dramatic.

Some people have suggested going back anyway to save myself. I can't even begin to imagine the hurt that would cause my children.
It's hard to go back without your children - others have posted on here (Charliegirl, also known as Lestergirl) went back without her children, stayed in the UK for 18 months but ended up coming back here as she missed her children so much and they missed her so much (if you do a search you can probably find her posts). I am still here although my children are adults (in their 30s now) but I know I would miss them and I have grand-children here now. You might try and take a trip back on your own though - just a little break for yourself while you try to get your head straight. All the best to you for your future.
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Old May 17th 2014, 6:30 pm
  #43  
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Originally Posted by Sally Redux View Post

Legal advice would be a good starting-point, maybe there are some options.
Immigration and family law, there's a few places that give free advice in Portland, but also more out in the Lewiston/Auburn area of Maine...though I see advice has already been sought.
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Old May 17th 2014, 9:23 pm
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Originally Posted by Bob View Post
Immigration and family law, there's a few places that give free advice in Portland, but also more out in the Lewiston/Auburn area of Maine...though I see advice has already been sought.
Thanks Bob, I have investigated those options, they're very helpful and sweet.
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Old May 19th 2014, 8:51 pm
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Default Re: losing hope...

Originally Posted by Karrie72 View Post
MrMuffin, thanks so much for your thoughts and sharing your experience of this. I'm not a rich person so having to shell out $4000 just to retain a lawyer is making me sick to my stomach. I wish he and I could sit down and talk, goodness knows I've tried. He won't answer his phone, refuses to meet and discuss anything. I honestly feel like I'll die here if I'm forced to live here. I know that sounds horribly defeatist and 'wet' but I've been on countdown mode to moving since I moved here practically. He has all his family around who I've now lost and nothing will change for him I can't fathom why someone would treat the Mother of their child like this. He says he'll never let them go, won't even discuss it. I even offered to try it out for a year then come back if the kids hated it. But no luck.

I guess I have to make the most of my situation and plan a trip back to the uk once a year...
What a horrible position for you to be in, so sorry.

You say all his family are around him, who you have now lost. Is this true? if you previously had a good relationship with your in-laws maybe that could be a way forward. You could maybe sit down with them and tell them what is going on. You may find they are on your side and think your husband is being unreasonable, and may be able to talk some sense into him. I know if I was in the same situation as you, my FIL would read my husband the riot act.
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