Looking for Support

Old Aug 22nd 2009, 4:38 am
  #1  
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Default Looking for Support



Hi All

I know many people have posted on here about being homesick - generally a normal part of the experience, I'm sure, but I have often read these messages from people who have not been here very long, and assume it will get better with time.

I wondered if theres anyone out there who still feels it intensely a long time on? I have now been here 5 years next month. My husband is American, and would never consider moving to England (I don't think it would be the right thing for him anyway, really) but I really can't imagine living here the rest of my life. I truly do not like it here, but my husband doesn't even want to consider moving towns because it would mean leaving our church for another. (I would like to move further into the city from the small town we're in outside, there are cheaper rents and he works there and it would give me more opportunities to get around, jobs, etc)

I really wonder now if I made a mistake, which is painful to admit because its my marriage, but I want to go home and it just gets more painful the more time goes on. I have friends and a life here to a certain extent but I'm in the wrong place. I sort of feel like I stopped existing.

Even more so with the whole healthcare thing, I have a couple of long term issues and I can't keep up with the bills even though we have insurance and the whole system just makes me so angry, that I have had to go from someone who never paid a bill late, to getting collection letters and phone calls. And we DO have insurance! My company closed so I was laid off and have been unemployed 5 months now, can't even get a reply from Walmart and Dunkin'!!

However, there is nothing I can do about being in England, I don't plan to leave my husband. So my question is really is there anyone here who has been through this, even after 5 years, and those of you who HAVE felt more at home here, what did you do to help yourselves get over it? How do you accept that this is your life now and you're not going home? Its hard to talk to anyone here, because I don't want to hurt my husband and I don't want to come over as slagging off their country to an American friend too much!

On the bright side, I am visiting England in two weeks time, for 11 days, my parents kindly paid the flight, so thats great but I am already thinking about how I am going to get back on the plane.

So, I know I need to, as they so grimly say over here, 'suck it up', but if anyone would like to share their experience or anything you think might be helpful please do.

Thanks for listening...lol...

Ruth x
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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 4:48 am
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Default Re: Looking for Support

(((hugs))) It sounds like a lose lose situation. If you leave you both lose, if you stay you lose.
Is there any way to talk him into going into marriage counseling? Surely he wouldn't want to give up over a small move closer to town, he can still attend the same church only in a reverse commute.
Have you even suggested he try the UK, you never know he may be up for it, after all, the medical bills will continue to come, if he moves to UK with you, you can get medical care you need. He and you need to look at all options, openly. He has to give a little, you moved countries for him, so you gave lot.
Good luck and have a great trip back to see the parents.
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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 5:04 am
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Default Re: Looking for Support

I feel really bad for you, you obviously love your husband so it sounds to me like you are not really considering leaving, if he loves you he should recognise what you have given up and at leat try to make thing better for you somehow otherwise you will end up depressed

are you able to talk to him openly about how you feel?

i moved here a few months ago, im in D.C, i love it but its lonely at times, im trying desperately to make friends but othing seems to be working at the moment

the diference for me is i am only here for 3 years, my boyfriend is still in the UK so when my job ends i will go home.

all i can say is keep your chin up and try to at least get your husband to understand how you feel so he can give you some support

t x
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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 5:16 am
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Default Re: Looking for Support

Sorry to hear how you're feeling Tea Duck. It sounds like there are a few things going on - homesickness, not being able to discuss your feelings, inflexibility from your husband and medical/financial issues.

I can certainly relate on the homesickness, I've been here 4 years now and it's still very intense. Once it has gone on for that long, I'm not sure it will change The only tips are to keep busy and try not to compare all the time.

On you other issues, it seems that a move into town would certainly help, and is not too much to ask. I'm sure your happiness is important to your husband, so you need to find a way to explain how you feel. Of course it will be difficult for people who are on their home turf to relate to this, but maybe a well-thought-out clear plan of action, eg you have researched the place to live, commute, church etc would help.

I can only offer sympathy on the medical side, all the best.
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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 5:18 am
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Default Re: Looking for Support

Nice to meet you, welcome to the club. I have been here years 7 months now i still don't feel at home.

My mum moved back to England a few days ago after all this time. The difference is that she was split up from my dad. I see you and you husband are still together.

I'm not the oldest and wisest around here , But no doubt i do know there is no point living in a place and living a life you are not enjoying.

If i were you i would be up front and honest with you husband about how you are feeling.

" I sort of feel like I stopped existing " I feel the exact same way.
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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 12:32 pm
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Default Re: Looking for Support

Rough situation to be in so good luck.

Though what's his aversion to moving to another church? Surely a different church wouldn't cause him to burn in hell and if it makes you happy it would be the good thing for him to do, consideration for others and all that.

It's also not a massive compromise, it's not like your asking him to move across the country, or to another country like you yourself did to be with him.
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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 1:48 pm
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Default Re: Looking for Support

I posted awhile ago about my struggles with living here, I have been here nearly 4 years and have good and bad times. some of the things that have helped me are;

Joining a book club, this has helped me to meet people who are more intelligent and open minded and I am developing friendships with some.

Have also met another friend through meetup.com.

I have joined a training group to do half marathon, did first session this morning! this is something I never thought I would do but someone asked me so I thought why not?

I have been having counselling, this has helped me put things into perspective and see that there are choices I can make.

I have tried to imagine living back in the UK and realised the life I left no longer exists so I am making the best of this one.

I too am now looking for work I know it is not going to be easy but I am using the time to do things I didnt have time for before, cooking healthy meals, planning ahead, looking for bargains and budgeting, planning a yard sale.

Relationships are what makes a life worth living, get out and find some people you like, one of the things I have learned is that people are the same the world over good and bad, there are probably some great people just waiting to be your friend.

Enjoy your time in the UK it may help things to get back in perspective.
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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 1:49 pm
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Default Re: Looking for Support

I really feel for you.

Try thinking about this....

Weigh up the difference between being back in the UK without your hubby, or being in the US with him.
I know that may sound cold, but sometimes looking at things in black and white helps.

Women go off of emotion, men look at things in black and white, like the others have said, "talk to him" sometimes it only takes good pouring out of the heart to make things better. Good luck!
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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 2:07 pm
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Default Re: Looking for Support

Originally Posted by EnglishTeaDuck

My husband is American, and would never consider moving to England.......... my husband doesn't even want to consider moving towns because it would mean leaving our church for another.
Ruth x
Those words make all kinds of alarm bells go off in my head.

The only reason why you are where you are is your husband. And he clearly has no perception of what you are going through, nor does he seem to care.

Do you really, truly, want to spend the rest of your life with him?

I believe that who we are, and what we need to be happy or at least 'complete', is ultimately more important than the person we love. Chances are that all the things you are going through and the things that you are missing, will one day become more important to you than your marriage.

So, you may stick it out, try your best to cope and fit in, but years down the line you may find that it simply wasn't worth it. (Read some of Quoll's posts in the Moving Back forum... You do not want to end up in her shoes.)

Whatever you do, don't have children whilst you are feeling so unsettled. Once you have kids, you'll be well and truly stuck.

I myself have been here for 8 years. I know I will never fit in and will never be truly happy here. I cope because I know it's temporary - albeit a very long kind of 'temporary' and because I am lucky enough to be able to go back home several times a year.

Wishing you all the best
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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 2:40 pm
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Default Re: Looking for Support

OK. So you gave up your entire life as you know it in the UK and moved to the US to be with your husband and so you could both be happy, BUT, he will not even consider moving a few miles down the road to help attempt to make you happier. Something is very wrong here. Either he is not worthy of your affections or you have not explained the gravity of the situation to him.

If he loves you and knows that a small move like this could help make the very difficult adjustment of moving country better for you then he should do it in a heartbeat....no questions asked.

If you lay it out to him, point out what you have given up and how little you are asking of him and he still refuses then think about packing your bags. Anyone who loves their god more than their spouse needs to be given a wide berth!

P.S. I've only been here just over a year and am lucky enough to have my sister and her family live only 15 miles from me yet I am still hugely homesick for the rest of my family and Blighty in general. I couldn't wait to leave the place but then you don't know what you had until you haven't got it anymore. I've yet to find work or make any of my own friends and am finding it a big downer. You have a right to feel the way you do. Don't let anyone tell you you should be "Sucking it up". While it might ultimately be what you end up doing and moving on...it is your choice to do so.

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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 4:31 pm
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Default Re: Looking for Support

Like Shaz said, women go off emotion and men look at things in black and white. So, from a strictly logical standpoint, look at the things you can tackle together, because your credit history is a together thing. Your financial health is a tangible problem, not an emotional one, and frankly my dear you are well aware of how this is adding to your emotional state, you right now. More stress you do not need, and it does tend to color and cloud our thought processes.

If you can sit down and talk to your husband about this which he CAN work on with you to try to fix WITHOUT dragging any other issues (ie homesickness, etc, etc) to the table, this is a place to start. To me, from what you have said, it sounds like you feel you would have a better chance at employment in a larger community, not to mention an opportunity at finding some other positive things which would help deal with some of the other issues you have.

As for the church, it would seem that it's the friendship and fellowship there that your husband feels tied to. That certainly doesn't mean that he could not find the same at a different church elsewhere, othewise ( I sound like I'm preaching here, ) the primary purpose of attending church is overlooked.

You love him and kudos for that kiddo, and you want to try and somehow fix this, or make it a situation you can live with, again kudos for not just throwing in the towel and going off in a huff. That would just exchange one set of problems for another if you truly, truly want to make this marriage work.

I wish you well on this one because you are trying to stem the tide before you get overwhelmed completely.
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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 7:03 pm
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Default Re: Looking for Support

Originally Posted by EnglishTeaDuck
...
my husband doesn't even want to consider moving towns because it would mean leaving our church for another.
...
Originally Posted by Elvira
Those words make all kinds of alarm bells go off in my head.

The only reason why you are where you are is your husband. And he clearly has no perception of what you are going through, nor does he seem to care.

...
Originally Posted by WARPed
OK. So you gave up your entire life as you know it in the UK and moved to the US to be with your husband and so you could both be happy, BUT, he will not even consider moving a few miles down the road to help attempt to make you happier. Something is very wrong here. Either he is not worthy of your affections or you have not explained the gravity of the situation to him.

If he loves you and knows that a small move like this could help make the very difficult adjustment of moving country better for you then he should do it in a heartbeat....no questions asked.
...
I'm with these guys!

I cannot believe this man of yours - won't even move town to help you, because of his CHURCH????? What the heck is it about this church that can't be found in another church? This is crazy. You moved across the world for him, he won't move towns. Something is very wrong with this picture. Is he a classic redneck pseudo-Christian, believing the woman's role is to obey the man?

Did the two of you return to the town he lived in before marriage, and/or grew up - that is, are you in his 'comfort zone'? Does he know what it's like to be displaced?

Moving to, and living in, 'neutral territory' (new for both of you) is, I believe, an essential ingredient.

I'm not religious and so can't relate directly to the 'Church' thing, and I also love it here and feel no homesickness whatsoever so can't speak directly to the homesickness. I know it's only a material thing, and I realize you are somewhat broke at the moment, but - I do hope you have a car and can get around independently.

I respect your dedication to this guy, but - be selfish. If he truly loves YOU, he'll compromise. And if he won't compromise, he's not the right guy and it's better to find out now. I've had many relationships where I thought the world would end if the relationship ended; and each time, I've moved on to better things ... NEVER let yourself be trapped by the fear of failure in a relationship.

Last edited by Steerpike; Aug 22nd 2009 at 7:07 pm.
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Old Aug 22nd 2009, 10:12 pm
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Default Re: Looking for Support

Hi

Thanks everyone for your replies. Regarding the church etc - I do understand the reason my husband has for staying, and we are, as someone said, in his 'comfort zone' in a way,I moved to his town. But he also went through a lot to get to where he is now, and the people in this church were the ones who were there for him, and I completely understand why he doesn't want to change it.

Having said that, yes, I moved countries, so can't we consider a small move?!!
What you've all said is exactly what I think. I gave up more than I could have imagined at the time that I was giving up, and I would like to know that we can at least THINK about this, and that how I feel comes into it somewhere!

Our lease runs out in February and we ARE going to move, because of our rent here going up etc,so at least I know I will definitely be getting into a new situation which I have some choice over when we look for a new place, and I also have more idea what I want to do with the place we get - the decor will have a lot of 'me' in it!

Actually I like our church and it has taken a long time but I have some good friends there, its just whether it is worth the other side, of more jobs, more access to my interests (I DON'T have a car) cheaper rent, and therefore better living for us, etc....I have moved many times so it is not a problem to me, and my roots in this town aren't exactly deep, obviously, and the thought of finding somewhere where we are both starting on the same footing appeals. I am a Christian too, I didn't 'marry into it' but I was brought up in it (he wasn't so much) and have been to several different churches in my life, so I don't have a problem seeing it as a whole rather than just the local little group. Its all the same thing, and its pretty easy to get to know people as you have a common faith etc. to start with.

I have a degree in Drama and it appeals to me having better access to the city as we have a pretty good theatre scene there (Providence) and I could maybe do some stuff that makes me feel more myself.

Anyway, feel better for talking, writing always helps me clarify things! And I hope going to visit home will refuel me with the confidence to come back and get things going here, rather than depressing me that I can't stay there!

I have a rule on the plane coming back - I cry until the plane is above the clouds, and I can't see 'ol Blighty anymore, and then I wash my face, moisturize, set my face to Boston and try to find a halfway decent movie for the flight....lol

Now if they'd just show continuous Doctor Who for the flight I would be fine....

Ruth
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Old Aug 23rd 2009, 1:32 am
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Default Re: Looking for Support

Sometimes I get the 'grass is always greener' thing. But I only have to watch one of those docu/reality shows from Britian, such as Grimebusters or Neighbourhood Watched to take off those rose tinted specs. Or see those wonderful youths that the cops on Roadwars deal with. Here are some other things that spring to mind:

Having to put washing on a clothesline again in a very rainy country.
Not having a kingsize bed - both my hubby and I are thrashers
Not being able to go into the city center warzone at weekends for fear of the vomiting hostile drunks etc
Manual transmission/gas prices
Dirt/litter/flytipping/grafitti/unmown verges/vandalism that doesn't get fixed

I know its not perfect here either (I live within 1/2 mile of Gangster Disciple hangout!). Also, your unemployment is probably creating a lot of these problems you are having right now, such as not having a car and therefore being more isolated from people. Also would probably help a lot with your health bills etc. Like others have suggested, you need to really lay it out to your hubby about moving nearer town is going to help with all these issues.

Good luck
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Old Aug 23rd 2009, 2:34 am
  #15  
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Default Re: Looking for Support

Originally Posted by EnglishTeaDuck


Its hard to talk to anyone here, because I don't want to hurt my husband and I don't want to come over as slagging off their country to an American friend too much!

On the bright side, I am visiting England in two weeks time,
I know what you mean about not wanting to constantly complain about your new country. So make sure you get that out of your system on your trip home. Rant and rave about everything that annoys you about being here....it will help to get it off your chest.
Some of my friends know the first day of their visit to see me over here, I nearly always come out with a crazy stream of consiciousness of everything I've had bottled up.....and then we can resume normal fun time!

I really feel for you....I still feel homesick after nearly 6 years.
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