Sarahh078

Very long story short - I've been in the USA 10 years I've wanted to return to the UK pretty much after I arrived but tried to stick it out. I now cant do it anymore and I want to return to the UK with my child (2 years old). My husband (US citizen) doesn't. I am not sure if I legally move back without my husbands permission while married (answers are less clear than when people are divorced which I know is a definite no) so I have been discussing with him long-distance marriage. He works at a school so he has semester breaks and about 5/6 weeks during summer during which time he could come visit the UK. I know this is a pretty weird situation and not at all ideal for our child but the atmosphere in the house isn't great now anyway because I'm so homesick. I honestly feel it's the only way to save the marriage, and my sanity. We would have a big family support system in the UK whereas we have nothing here in the USA. Does anybody have any experience of this type of long-distance relationship? Financially it will be hard as we would intend to keep the house in the USA for him (I would move in with family for free to begin with). Are there any other options I haven't thought of?

spouse of scouse

If you have a UK passport you can move back to the UK any time you like, married or divorced. Whether or not your husband agrees to you taking your child to live overseas is the question, and it's one that needs to be resolved whether or not you remain married. Both of you having an appointment with a family law practitioner to clarify both yours and your husbands legal rights and obligations in this regard would be very useful.

Obviously divorce is the most common outcome when a couple no longer want to live together, but if you both want to remain married to each other then there's no legal reason why you can't do that. The practicality of it is another issue, and really that's something that only you and your husband can work out.

Would it be an option for you and your husband to agree that you and your child visit the UK for a 'trial' period, rather than going with the intention of not returning to the US? Sometimes when we're homesick, a long visit home is enough to clarify whether or not that's where we really want to be permanently. It would also give you and your husband some breathing space to think about whether or not a long distance marriage would work for each of you.

Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.

morpeth

i would think first question would be what is best for child's future, not what you or your husband's feelings are.

my father because of work often was abroad and he was married 60 years. i think keeping home in usa makes sense short run as perhaps a few months back in UK and cures home sickness or he changes mind but otherwise he can just rent room and save money to visit uk frequently but i would think by time child starts school permanent decision should me made for were will live with both parents and go to school. or go to UK three months a year for two years and see if that works out,

Jerseygirl

Are you a USC? If not I recommend you get citizenship before you leave.

What if your child decides at a later date that he/she wants to live in the US and you have no means of living there?

Sarahh078

Thank you for the response. The trial period is the next thing I am trying to work on with him - I am still doubtful he will go for it but I am trying. I am pretty sure that I want to move permanently I had an extended stay a few years back and this just solidified the decision to move back home. I agree though that a trial period sounds better than a permanent move. Thank you again for responding.

Sarahh078

Thanks and I agree my priority is what is best for our child and I feel that the strong family support system and other opportunities that we would have in the UK are greater than here where we are pretty isolated. Yes in the short run keeping the house is a safeguard incase either of us changed our minds. I work full time so it will be hard for me to split my life between both countries but I can certainly see how it would work for our child in between school semesters. Right now our child is young enough that they wont start school for 3 years so it is the right time to try this if we are going to. If it's not too personal, can I ask how your experience was of having one parent who worked abroad a lot, that is something I have to consider for our child too.

Sarahh078

Yes, fortunately I am a USC (dual citizenship).

Sarahh078

Thanks and I agree my priority is what is best for our child and I feel that the strong family support system and other opportunities that we would have in the UK are greater than here where we are pretty isolated. Yes in the short run keeping the house is a safeguard incase either of us changed our minds. I work full time so it will be hard for me to split my life between both countries but I can certainly see how it would work for our child in between school semesters. Right now our child is young enough that they wont start school for 3 years so it is the right time to try this if we are going to. If it's not too personal, can I ask how your experience was of having one parent who worked abroad a lot, that is something I have to consider for our child too.

petitefrancaise

Your husband doesn't want to move to the UK, even though you are so unhappy in the US? He would prefer the family breaks up?
Sounds to me like a trial separation from your husband is in order and not necessarily a move back to the UK. Believe me, moving countries doesn't solve problems in a marriage. And I think your biggest problem is not going to be whether your marriage will survive if you move back to the UK, it's going to be taking your child with you if your husband objects to it.
I would strongly, strongly advise a consultation with a family lawyer so that you know exactly what the consequences of your proposed actions are.

Sarahh078

Yes I agree. I've already met with a few lawyers to discuss worse case scenario and the divorce and custody process will be difficult and more costly than I could afford right now with no guarantee. We are also in marriage counseling, but I have often talked to him about separation or divorce but he says he doesnt want this or doesn't take it seriously (or doesnt care....I dont know). I guess I am just trying to see if there is any alternative option that I hadn't thought of at this stage to try and find an amicable solution to this without involving lawyers but I agree it may ultimately go this way.

Jerseygirl

If he will allow you to take the child to live in the UK I would do so while you can.

Sarahh078

Thanks Jerseygirl - I agree and I am hoping it's something we can come to an agreement on. I want to provide the best for my child and in no way want him to not have a relationship with his father but as I mentioned earlier the current environment at home is not healthy for him or me either. I think a long-distance marriage could potentially save the marriage (I know that sound weird) but I honestly do. He needs a lot of space at home and is very career focused so hes not always 'present' at home which adds to the feeling of isolation here and me basically doing everything alone. Back in the UK I could get my needs met from family members, stop nagging him and he gets to focus on whats important to him. I could tolerate that situation more than this one. I appreciate everybodies responses and helping to brainstorm this before I try it with him!

petitefrancaise

+1
life's too short to be miserable.
Whatever problems crop up, you will find a way through them.

Sarahh078

That's so true and as I get older I realize it more and more.

spouse of scouse

Telling him how you feel, that you're homesick and it's affecting you badly, isn't nagging. Communication is an essential part of a successful marriage, problems can't be resolved otherwise. If his career is more important to him than his marriage and relationship with you then that's a worry.

If you do get a decent stretch of time away from him in the UK I hope you're able to clarify for yourself whether or not your marriage is worth saving. You don't need to remain married in order for your husband to travel to the UK for 5 -6 weeks to visit his child, and when he/she is older they can visit dad in the US as well. What I'm trying to say is that if you return to the UK with your child permanently, then staying married simply because you have a child together doesn't really make sense, as your husband will see his child for the same amount of time whether or not you divorce.

What a separation would hopefully do for you both is to help you decide if the marriage is worth saving. Is he going to change and work harder at your relationship? Is he going to be happy to move to the UK so that you can actually live together as a married couple, or are you going to be happy to move back to the US to achieve this?

Just a bit of food for thought.