brittyozzy

Hi, I'm new to this forum business and I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or an understanding ear but i fear this will be a long story. Sorry.x

I'm from the South of England and 10 years ago when i was 20, I met an Australian. He asked me to return to Perth with him for a holiday to "see how it would go". I didn't think twice and genuinely thought I'd be home a few weeks later! However, the years rolled by, we toured Oz, travelled, brought a house, got a dog and then unfortunately broke up after 5 years.

At this crossroads I decided to stay. I'd made friends, fallen in love with the lifestyle and how friendly people were and had great working opportunities. After said break up, I buried myself for the first 6 months in renovations, followed by 5 years of burying myself in my work.

So 6 years after the break up and I'm still here. 31 and single and feeling like somehow i've been drifting along for the past 5-6 years. Never quite committing to anyone or anything.

I'm homesick now. I miss being a part of a family, i miss belonging. My friends have settled, married and starting families. When i think of doing the same, i panic at the thought of meeting an Australian and starting a family and then being tied here forever. Never able to have my children around my own family or have their support and love on a daily basis. Fearful that if we were to break up --- i'd have to remain here with no support.

So i've started to contemplate moving back to England. But I seem to be stuck on the fence. Constantly weighing up what would be "best" for the children I do not yet have

I've been back to England about every 18 months, so i am by no means under any illusions as to what i am returning to (good and bad). I have been here 10 years and so under no illusions there either!

It's basically family versus place. I prefer Australia's lifestyle but i miss my family. Am i mad to be leaving such a lovely place and the chance to raise children here or am i sensible to put myself in a place with family around me?

Many people say that as i have dual citizenship i should go and if i change my mind, then i can return. But it's not so simple, if i left, sold up and returned to England - would i willingly relocate back to a place where im so lonely and have no family. I don't think i would. Unlike many who plan relocations, mine was on a whim. I was a carefree 20yr old - i didn't think about future children

My other issue is if i do return to England, I have to leave my gorgeous 9yr old dog (aka best mate and shadow) here in Perth and give him to someone as he is not allowed into England (another story, another forum)! This in itself would crush me.

As my title says... i live in limbo, never quite committing... I now rent, i keep things boxed away, i shy away from r'ships. On the other hand, when in England, i love being with my family but hate being in England and constantly think of my life in Perth... and my dog! Sitting on the fence.

If anyone has been in a similar situation or has words of advice.... i'd very much appreciate it.

Mummy in the foothills

I feel for you, it must be hard.
I try to live by "people before things" so family would win out over a place for me any day.
Also someone else on here said one time that Sunshine is overrated. I have to say completely agree. In UK people are just as active they just have to make sure to be dressed for the weather.
We are in the throws of moving back. I've been stocking up on what is winter clothes in California, I'd say they are three season clothes in UK plus some extra fleece jumpers for the cold.

brits1

You will just have to choose one way or another or you might miss out on the chance of happiness, if you hate being in England then I would not consider that option and just settle in Perth, most people who migrate miss family and friends they have left behind in the UK, for some its the Country that makes them happy and for others its all about family,friends etc. You can always have family etc visit you in Aus and you can hopefully keep visiting the UK if you need to. Good luck

windsong

I take the opposite point of view. Don't go back for family. So many have done this and been disappointed. When we leave, our lives and their lives move on and in many ways we are forgotten. We can't expect family to suddenly open their lives to us again. It takes a long time. Same with many former friends.

About your dog - why ever can't you take him? It is very possible to fly your dog over. If i couldn't take my dog, I wouldn't go - pure and simple. They are family. If he is one of the snub nosed dogs that can't be accepted by the airlines, then sail over with him on the Cunard. Many do that, too.

Remember, too, that a place doesn't make you happy. Happiness comes from within. There is no such thing as a geographical cure

brittyozzy

Thank you kindly for taking the time to read this and for your responses. You all make very valid points.

Windsong: my dog is an American Staffy and so he falls under Englands banned breed category they call the "Pitbull Type". This means he would most likely be destroyed if i brought him to the UK.... over my dead body!

I agree very strongly with you about not going without your dog. Many have disagreed with me on this, but he is MY family. He's been my only constant for 6 years. He's a gorgeous little fella, everyone who meets him loves him - such character and he's so friendly. I think it's because of him i haven't left and still can't leave.

It's only been the past year or so i've "contemplated it" as that's when i started to really want to meet someone and have children and with that I wanted my immediate family to be a part of it.

Your last point is great... that will leave me with some thinking to do!

Mummy in the foothills

Once we actually started a family, wanting to move home moved to a whole new level. I was much happier being so far away before kids. After kids I had an even stronger draw to UK.

windsong

Yes, it would be over my dead body, too. No one harms my pets

Are you sure you can't take him into England? I know you can't bring him to the USA, at least I don't think you can. England, I thought was ok, though.

Maybe it is worth staying put for a few more years. He is getting older, after all - and you haven't found a partner to have children with yet so it's all really hypothetical at this point.

If it were me - and I know everyone is different - I wouldn't leave him. My dogs are my life and have saved my sanity more than people many times over. I might be tempted to find a potential partner right where you are who would love him, too

feelbritish

Oh that dreaded 10 year syndrome after moving from your "hometown"!
I myself suffer with it. Life is good for the first few years, exciting and interesting meeting new people, seeing new things and bragging about your new experiences, showing photos to everyone when you go home, then reality hits in some way, and you carry on with your now "new" life. After the next few years getting up to around the 8 year mark, you start noticing the negatives and also missing the people you left behind. Off come the rose tinted glasses, made worse by Facebook! The awful part of it and this is where we are similar, family and friends are now so far away that it takes savings of a year and two days to get to see them again and most of them cannot afford to come and see you in your new environment! Your holiday leave is purely taken up by visits back home! That is when you consider your life and how you are just in limbo again going through the motions!

I can only offer you advice on what I have experienced myself or been given. As I once said (to one of the other forum regulars) my father once said to me "never leave a place unhappy" !

Also don't plan for something that does not exist - your future children! Not wanting to sound callous, that may not happen. I always wanted children all my life and this had such a profound affect on wishing for this little family that I chose wrong people and moved around a lot. That always came into the equation when I made changes! My friends all started having babies and I felt left out and then planned my life around wanting a family. I have moved between 3 continents looking for Utopia and eventually did marry a wonderful man but at 45 years of age despite trying we never were blessed with children. His own children have never really accepted me and merely tolerate us both. (Hence if we move to UK it will not be near them)

Reading between the lines in your post, you are really wanting to go back to your roots and family. You more or less answered this in the first two paragraphs! Let me tell you as you get older and if still single or have no children, this gets to be more important. Maybe if I had children here I would have felt complete and wanted to stay! I suddenly have realized at age 57 that I do not want to die in a country where I have no-one except my husband. I want familiarity, I want to feel I belong and not just another immigrant. I want to eat the food I grew up with. I want to laugh with people who understand my humour and I want history of my ancestors. So if you are thinking this at age 30 how would you be thinking of this at age 60?

You do not have to go right back to the same place you were from. You could try somewhere different where the irritations to you are lessened. You have your citizenship and are free from any encumbrances so I would go off on another adventure. Don't live your life in limbo it is such a waste! Enjoy what you have now and as my late dad said leave a place happy!

Here is a P.S. because I wrote the above without reading your reply. I understand you have a Staffie! I brought one to UK with me from Cape Town and she came through with flying colours and even had to go into quarantine in those days. It was 1999. I have not heard of them being banned in UK, there are plenty around. But I would not leave my dog, well I did initially but then brought her over to be with me! She helped me settle into life in UK. So if you cannot bring her (I would check this out properly) then plan your move for later but still enjoy life and if you do meet Mr Right well then who says he has to have concrete boots!

I wish you all the best, such a hard decision for you but life has a way of often working out when you least expect it.

Sorry this is so long! I see now it is an American Stafford which are much bigger than the original Staffie. I also had a male Staffie who was quite large and after a lot of torment I did find another home for him. It took quite a while but I found a retired engineer who had just lost his dog and who was at home all day and he took him. We corresponded for a while and he even showed me pics of the dog having a wonderful time with his grandchildren. I am not saying that is what you should do, but sometimes we have to just make those hard decisions for our own happiness. I left my smaller female with my mom and dad and only after I was settled and got a job working from home did I send for her because if I did not have that job where she could travel around with me I would not have brought her over to stay alone in a flat all day! In the end she even moved to Canada with us!

windsong

Great post! Don't plan for something that might not materialize.

Glad to hear you brought your staffie, too, FeelBritish. I didn't think they were forbidden in the UK.

fulwood

England has very strict rules on what breeds of dogs are not allowed. I've watched some shows and it seems to be pitbulls in particular. If you google it you will be amazed how many breeds are banned. i am contemplating moving to UK for a year now as someone I know is elderly and on their own. I'd like to take my dog - think he is fine but also thin he has bit of Rottweiler or Chow in him.

windsong

Best thing to do is call DEFRA to check but as someone here mentioned, they had no trouble taking back their dog who was a staffordshire terrier.

quoll

Well, you can probably disabuse yourself of the myth hat Australia is "better" for kids. There is nothing magically better, it's just different and what you gain on the one hand, you lose on the other so I wouldn't be worrying about the potential impact on potential kids. As long as they have a happy mummy and daddy they will be just fine wherever.

I'd say that if you aren't in love with where you are after 10 years then move on. Maybe not immediately if you can't bear to re home your dog but down the track when you don't have him any more. Getting yourself shackled to a place that isn't where you feel you belong is a recipe for disaster IMHO.

You might want to rethink going back exactly whence you came but maybe try a new adventure in a new place. As the others have said, don't go back for family and friends - they have healed over the hole that your leaving left in their lives and it's better to expect that you have to start all over again to develop new friendships - you can only go forwards, not back to what you had

The world is your oyster really, you are young and have the freedom to go anywhere, toss a coin and make a decision you can live with. Good luck!

Snap Shot

What an excellent piece of philosophy ! I shall have to remember that. I guess a noun can't make you/me happy i.e. there's no person, place or thing that can make you happy as it comes from within. Albeit I accept that there are things and people that bring happiness into our lives.

TimandRae

There's a different between Staffordshire Bull Terriers and American Staffies as the law sees it. 'Regular' Staffies are fine - there are loads throughout the country. Our boy is five now and has wormed himself well and truly into the family.

However, American Staffies are unfortunately classed as pitbull 'type' dogs in the wonderfully vague language of the Dangerous Dogs Act and, as such, are illegal

You might find this DEFRA leaflet helpful.

Nick in Italy

Hi Windsong. What a nice post!

As with all life decisions, you try to make the best choice with what information you have at the time, but life usually hands us the unexpected!

For what it is worth, I can just point out that we percieve our World mostly through our everyday routines, contacts, employment, friends and connections. That is to say it is these, rather than geography that makes life what it is. I lived in Chicago for 2 years in the noughties and nearly all I remember was the 3+ hour daily commute I had to endure on the Interstate Highway. What I am trying to say is to imagine your day-to-day life when you take the plunge, rather than Perth vs UK.

Good luck with your pooch. We are also struggling with the complexities our dog brings to inter-continental movement. They are worth it though!