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Just needed to tell someone

Just needed to tell someone

Old Sep 5th 2007, 5:00 am
  #31  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by ladyofthelake
No, you don't have to trust him. Trust is something that is earned, and he needs to earn your trust back. It's not good enough to simply say it's in the past, won't happen again, let's not talk about it anymore. He needs be completely transparent in everything he says and does for as long as it takes if he wants to earn your trust. He shouldn't expect you to give him complete trust him after what he did to you. That's putting all the work on repairing the marriage on your shoulders. If anyone needs to be putting in the hard work of repair, it's him.

Really hope you can work things out. <<<<hugs>>>
Great post and I totally agree, he has to earn your trust and it doesn't sound as though he is trying to do that. I would tell him just that and ask him to put some effort in, because being left on your own so much just isn't fair or just. He should be spending all the spare time he seems to have with you and your children, even if it is just going for a walk or a drive together, not spending it drinking and fishing with other people.

I really hope you can sort things out Sawyer. I really feel for you. Do you have any friends that you can talk to there?
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Old Sep 5th 2007, 8:50 am
  #32  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by cally49
Yes I had never even thought of each others basic needs before,i kind of thought we were doing ok in our marriage and was happy to just go with the flow and like you say something was lacking (yes a much better choice of word)

The councillor explained a relationship, how it evolves and needs nurturing and how it can fall apart so easily. A bit like a plant i guess if you dont take care of it it will wilt and then die....But if you start watering it again when you notice something is wrong there is a chance that you may be able to save it.............ok enough from me.....Will everyone be in the lounge tonight withpen and notepad ready to do the basic needs i wonder...... Bye for now xx
Wise words, Cally - six months after my ex left (at a time when I still didn't know about the affair with the au pair who was still living with me pretending to be my best friend) my ex said he'd made a mistake and wanted to come back and could we go to counselling.

At the second session I was listing some of the things that had made me feel the relationship couldn't be saved, including lack of communication and lack of honesty... and that's when he admitted the affair. It was the confirmation I needed that I really couldn't face living with him any more. I decided to continue with the counselling on my own to help me come to terms with this decision.

I had suppressed my doubts about the marriage from Year One and with each child that came, I gritted my teeth all the more to hang on in there for the sake of the children. The ultimate failure of all this effort filled me with such anger and hatred for him, combined with self-loathing and low esteem. I thought I was hiding/suppressing these horrible negative feeling but I didn't want to damage the children or end up twisted and embittered.

Counselling helped me understand that my ex and I were fundamentally incompatible. It also helped me to shoulder my share of the responsibility for the failed relationship - not to apportion blame, just to understand that it takes two to make, or break, a marriage. Good luck to you and to the other women who have had similarly painful experiences... the pain passes, we learn and the sun does come out again.
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Old Sep 5th 2007, 11:29 am
  #33  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by St.Georges Girl
I really hope you can sort things out Sawyer. I really feel for you. Do you have any friends that you can talk to there?

I have made friends here, but i have not told any of them about mine and my husbands past. It was one thing me and my husband talked about before we left to come here. It was a fresh start for us.

Originally Posted by KatieStar
I am very sorry to read of the loss of your little boy. I lost my first little one. He was still born.

Katie
Thank you for your kind words, i am sorry to hear about your loss to.

Sawyer xx

Originally Posted by newshoney
Wise words, Cally - six months after my ex left (at a time when I still didn't know about the affair with the au pair who was still living with me pretending to be my best friend) my ex said he'd made a mistake and wanted to come back and could we go to counselling.

At the second session I was listing some of the things that had made me feel the relationship couldn't be saved, including lack of communication and lack of honesty... and that's when he admitted the affair. It was the confirmation I needed that I really couldn't face living with him any more. I decided to continue with the counselling on my own to help me come to terms with this decision.

I had suppressed my doubts about the marriage from Year One and with each child that came, I gritted my teeth all the more to hang on in there for the sake of the children. The ultimate failure of all this effort filled me with such anger and hatred for him, combined with self-loathing and low esteem. I thought I was hiding/suppressing these horrible negative feeling but I didn't want to damage the children or end up twisted and embittered.

Counselling helped me understand that my ex and I were fundamentally incompatible. It also helped me to shoulder my share of the responsibility for the failed relationship - not to apportion blame, just to understand that it takes two to make, or break, a marriage. Good luck to you and to the other women who have had similarly painful experiences... the pain passes, we learn and the sun does come out again.
My husband other woman i use to work with, she was even at my wedding. When mine and my husband marriage was at it's worst i remember bumping in to her. She mentioned that she heard we were having trouble, and i told her yes he was going out more and more and he had change. She told me she was sorry to hear that and hoped it worked out for me. But she was having it away with him at the same time. I feel such an idiot now thinking about it.

I spoke to my husband about marriage counseling again, his really not keen on the idea. He said last time i just shouted at him the whole hour long, and then more when we got home. But i'm going to look into some kind of counseling just for me.
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Old Sep 5th 2007, 11:56 am
  #34  
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Smile Re: Just needed to tell someone

Bravo Sawyer you are starting to think of yourself which is great and will also help you see things a little more clearly.

Nows the time to work on you which will give you the strength to make rational decisions we can often get so overwhelmed by things and they get bigger and bigger in our heads and can sometimes cause us to act on the spur of the moment a moment that we could come to regret at a later date.

You have come across come great people on here and we will be here to listen to you at any time.

I sometimes think that its better maybe not telling friends as i found they soon became tired of listening to the same old same old from me or in my case you find out that the very person you are telling your problems to turns out on not one but both affairs to be the very person that was having an affair with my hubby so i know how awful it feels you just feel so stupid.

On the other hand i guess sometimes friends can also come forward with information that can also be handy as to whos up to what and with who so i guess that there are pros and cons on both sides.....

Anyhow big huggles to you (thats what my 2yr old grandson calls hugs) whatever happens you will get through this. Just keep coming on here and yell at us if you want to we have broad shoulders.......Luv Cally xxx
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Old Sep 5th 2007, 6:12 pm
  #35  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

I just have to say this but no offence ladies a couple of you sound like my ex wife,which one of you really is my ex wife?
Sawyer sounds rational and not as much full of hatred as some of you you ,she does not need advice on how to hate her husband but rather how to reailze she can and will if needed get on without him.
Sawyer I can clearly see you love your husband and I do think he loves you but his actions are totally unacceptable,17 yrs is a long time and the kids are young,I really hope things go well for you.
The pain in your posts is very clear to see and I wish that I could somehow share a little of it so you don't have to take it all,I have been in the same position as you I know what it feels like but obviously I can't feel YOUR pain.
Nobody on here knows you and your husbands relationship so everything is speculation and only you know the whole story,whatever you decision be assured that you and your children WILL have a future and for SURE this pain will leave it's just a matter of time.
I truly hope you and your husband can work it out but if you can't then it is not the end of the world just the end of a chapter in this book of life and a new chapter will start of slow but flourish depending on what seeds you plant
My only advice would be to go with your gut feeling and please don't lie to yourself.
Good luck girl and all the best
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Old Sep 5th 2007, 6:29 pm
  #36  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by KatieStar
I lost my first little one. He was still born.

i know that was a tough time for you.....my daughter was still born at 9mths.
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Old Sep 6th 2007, 12:13 am
  #37  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Sawyer, why don't you follow him when he goes on his so called fishing trips or late night drinks. If they are innocent, then you will feel better, if not, you can then decide what you want to do. It's what I would do anyway. I like to know, then I can make whatever decisions I need to make. Your OH may be more upset about losing the kids than you yourself, hence the tears etc. Maybe you could start afresh yourself somewhere else in Australia, where you have your independence, become more confident, but not too far away from the kids so you are both near them. I left my husband in Oz, and moved away, and that was better for me, and I made new friends of my own and it was better than going back to the UK at the time. Totally afresh with no history, and I gained my independence and confidence by doing that. It isn't easy, but it's amazing where you find inner strength and motivation to do so. I could have gone back to UK, but I didn't want alot of questions asked at the time, and wasn't strong enough to deal with them at the time. Having positive new people in my life achieved the confidence and independence I needed at the time. It is always hard going out of your comfort zone and can be frightening, but it is also a self motivator as well.

You can be lonely being with someone who is not mentally connected as you can be alone. In fact sometimes the latter can be easier.

Wish you well and you will find your bubbly self again, but surround yourself with some positive people where you can, and avoid anyone who is negative, as it only makes you feel worse. I do a culling of people when I'm on a low for a while, as they drain you.

Keep your chin up......
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