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Just needed to tell someone

Just needed to tell someone

Old Sep 2nd 2007, 5:17 pm
  #16  
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Red face Re: Just needed to tell someone

Hi Sawyer,
Im sorry to read about your problems, please dont take this as a critiscism but having been a child who suffered her parents messy divorce please talk to them and explain whats going on, especially if you fly home with them at the last minute. They need time to adjust and although you have problems with your husband think how you would feel if he took off with the kids while you were at work. Im not excusing his behaviour but im sure he loves his kids as much as you do.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Last edited by Here comes the sun; Sep 2nd 2007 at 7:06 pm.
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Old Sep 2nd 2007, 6:30 pm
  #17  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Hi Sawyer, Really sorry you are having such an awful time. From personal experience, I know counselling can be very painful but it is worth sticking with as the results can be life-changing.
Very best wishes.
PS you could always try hitting him over the head with the frying pan until he agrees to listen
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Old Sep 2nd 2007, 6:39 pm
  #18  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by Sawyer
.....
My children are aged 10, 8 and 5. Would my husband let me take them is a hard question. He would never be violent with me but I know there would be lots of tears and snot. Which would pull on my heart strings and would upset the kids so much. I think I would just have to go whilst he was at work. My quotes for flights were for 1st of October and I need to book them in the next few days. I feel physically sick at the moment, so many questions I keep asking myself. I tried asking myself 'What would I do if I only had a year to live' But my answer changes all the time.

Sawyer
You seem to be in a very unsure state of mind. My advice would be not to book any flights until you are sure of what to do. The last thing you want is to change your mind and/or decide not to fly and then you've lost a lot of money on a set of airline tickets.
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Old Sep 3rd 2007, 4:13 am
  #19  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Well i didn't book the flights. I am going to give myself until after Christmas. I need to be certain before i make this big decision. I use to be a confident person but since the affair i have no confidence in myself at all. I have been reading all your post and taking it all in. I think it's not just my husband that needs to change, i think i need to change as well. My whole life is my family and i tend to put myself last. I think i need to get the old me back the bubbly confident person, and start doing more things for myself. At least then i suppose if i do leave my husband i will be ready for it if i have more confidence in myself. I am going to speak to my husband about going to see a marriage counselor, as I'm going to tell him I'm not going to be tuck for a mug again.

Thank you for the PM's again i will get around to replying to all of them but i prefer to do it when my husbands not around as i don't think he would be best please.

Sawyer
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Old Sep 3rd 2007, 6:31 am
  #20  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

wise words Sawyer. Go enjoy getting the old Sawyer back. Make sure Sawyer makes time for Sawyer...! Like so many of us mums should do !

All the best

P
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Old Sep 3rd 2007, 8:13 am
  #21  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by Sawyer
Well i didn't book the flights. I am going to give myself until after Christmas. I need to be certain before i make this big decision. I use to be a confident person but since the affair i have no confidence in myself at all. I have been reading all your post and taking it all in. I think it's not just my husband that needs to change, i think i need to change as well. My whole life is my family and i tend to put myself last. I think i need to get the old me back the bubbly confident person, and start doing more things for myself. At least then i suppose if i do leave my husband i will be ready for it if i have more confidence in myself. I am going to speak to my husband about going to see a marriage counselor, as I'm going to tell him I'm not going to be tuck for a mug again.

Thank you for the PM's again i will get around to replying to all of them but i prefer to do it when my husbands not around as i don't think he would be best please.

Sawyer

Good luck with your decision & be strong!
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Old Sep 3rd 2007, 9:06 am
  #22  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

What do the children think about it? Do they have a say in this?

What will you live on if you go back? have you thought about it?

I'm sure looking after 3 young kids is very, very tough (I cannot imagine it). What I do know is you're in a long relationship and have toughed out some rough times. Don't give it all up.
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Old Sep 3rd 2007, 11:11 am
  #23  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by katongkaren
What do the children think about it? Do they have a say in this?

What will you live on if you go back? have you thought about it?

I'm sure looking after 3 young kids is very, very tough (I cannot imagine it). What I do know is you're in a long relationship and have toughed out some rough times. Don't give it all up.
My children are unaware of the situation at the moment. Don’t get me wrong I don’t give them false impressions. It’s not as if me and there dad are cuddling and kissing each other all the time. So then it would come as a big shock. But I don’t argue in front of them either.

I would not let my kids have a say, I couldn’t put them through the pain of choosing and my husband has always said the kids would stay with me. See I don’t know if I could stay in Australia if we were to split up. I would have no help from my friends and family. I would want to go home where I could have there support, it would then be up to my husband if he choose to stay or not. My husband Love's Australia, and even though I know he loves his kids I don’t think he would come back to the UK. My husband would not be able to let go.

This is the biggest factor about separation for me, what I will live on. I have been a stay at home mom for so long , never had to go back to work as my husband had always provided for us. So that would be very tough for me and my children. I do have a big family, who would do anything for me. But I know I cannot depend on them forever. I think this was one of the main reasons I gave my husband a second chance (and the fact that i still loved my husband) i was scared of how I would support my kids. Even though I’ve never worked, I've still worked hard to get the nice home and things in my life and i hadn't done anything wrong so why should i loose it all. I know this is not a good reason for staying with my husband but it is the truth. I think this is my problem I’m fed up of toughing it out, I can only take so much.

Sawyer
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Old Sep 3rd 2007, 11:51 am
  #24  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by Sawyer
This is the biggest factor about separation for me, what I will live on. I have been a stay at home mom for so long , never had to go back to work as my husband had always provided for us. So that would be very tough for me and my children. Sawyer
I think there are many women in the same boat as you with the financial concerns - I know I was. I was a stay at home mum for five years when I left my husband, and terrified about how I was going to support myself and two kids (was also away from family who I'd left in Blighty so couldn't use that as a fall back either). I put off leaving him for ages for this reason (and because I was trying to do the right thing by the children); but you will know when the time is right to leave him because the option of supporting yourself financially will be preferable than staying with him a minute longer.

Hope it doesn't come to that for you but if it does, you will survive. I won't pretend it's easy but I never regretted it as I could not continue living in an unhappy marriage. Good luck with it all, hope it works out for you.

Last edited by rabsody; Sep 3rd 2007 at 11:53 am. Reason: forgot something
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Old Sep 3rd 2007, 6:17 pm
  #25  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by Sawyer
This is the biggest factor about separation for me, what I will live on. I have been a stay at home mom for so long , never had to go back to work as my husband had always provided for us.
This is a fatal mistake made by many women. When you become a stay at home mother, you relinquish your financial independence because you end up depending on a man for everything. The relationship ends - well the man is OK because he always worked didn't he? The reality is you also became unemployable while you were changing the nappies.

Go back to University - or at least upgrade what qualifications you have. You can get student loans and additional help when you have children. Put yourself back in charge of your own future, whether you stay there or come home, stay with your husband or not. It can be done, I managed it with four young kids and juggling two jobs. A harsh lesson learned and I will never ever be back in that position again.
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Old Sep 4th 2007, 8:32 pm
  #26  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Hi Sawyer, Sorry to hear about what has happened, from what you have written I think that your husband is calling the shots, lying on his bed for hours etc is like punishing you for something that he has done. You need to take your life back girl you have done nothing wrong and whether he wants to talk about the past or not the fact is that it happened and he needs to accept responsibility. My advice is get involved in something that is for you. My friend who lives in Brisbane has recently attended a self confidence course which has helped her build back up her confidence and has assisted her in applying and successfully getting a job (she has been at home looking after her children for the last 15 years and had lost all her self confidence). When hubby is out after work or away fishing make sure you and the kids do something special, don't sit at home waiting for him, he needs to realise that your lives don't revolve around him and that if he has any desire to be a family and live as a family he has to put the effort in. When the kids are at school do things that you enjoy, if he sees that you are enjoying life with or without him it may give him the kick up the backside that he needs.

Good luck Sawyer, your BE friends are always here with big broad shoulders

Susan
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Old Sep 4th 2007, 9:54 pm
  #27  
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Smile Re: Just needed to tell someone

Well lots of great advice on here and personally i think in these situations its maybe wise not to act to hastily and also not to asume things kind of lay all the cards on the table.

I have been in this situation and in the end i just had to leave and it was mainly because of what you are describing that my ex seemed very blase about my feelings and needs. The thing is none of us know what he is thinking or doing and it can start to drive you nuts all the not knowing and all the second guessing.

One thing that really stood out for me was we were watching a movie a few months after hubbys affair and in it this couple were having an affair and my hubby was saying the silly buggar and all i could focus on was that he had noticed that and was belittiling the guy n tv but had actually done the same thing himself and it just blew me away that he wasnt thinking of how i would feel it was like he was saying well i only went to the pub for a beer like he was making light of a very serious situation in my eyes. But now i look back and think well maybe he was actually in his own weird way telling himself off and i took it the wrong way..........

One of the very important things that i learned in my counselling sessions was that men and women have similar basic needs )note i said similar not necessarily the same) now if you and your hubby were to each sit down with a piece of paper and each write down your 5 most important basic needs and then compare them i bet they would be listed in different order of importance and this is where if you want to work on your mariage you can begin to understand one another a little better.

Apparently Affairs generally start because those basic needs are not being met and we can always bet our bottom dollar that if we arent meeting them there will most often be someone waiting in the side lines that will.
Its a very intersting and as i found out a good theory there has to be something wrong for an affair to start and althoughi believe that its a cowards way out to have an affair i can look back and see that i did have a part to play in it. Just my quids worth lol ok have a great day xx
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Old Sep 4th 2007, 10:06 pm
  #28  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by cally49
One of the very important things that i learned in my counselling sessions was that men and women have similar basic needs )note i said similar not necessarily the same) now if you and your hubby were to each sit down with a piece of paper and each write down your 5 most important basic needs and then compare them i bet they would be listed in different order of importance and this is where if you want to work on your mariage you can begin to understand one another a little better.

Apparently Affairs generally start because those basic needs are not being met and we can always bet our bottom dollar that if we arent meeting them there will most often be someone waiting in the side lines that will.
Its a very intersting and as i found out a good theory there has to be something wrong for an affair to start and althoughi believe that its a cowards way out to have an affair i can look back and see that i did have a part to play in it. Just my quids worth lol ok have a great day xx
and you had a good counsellor. the 5 basic needs is a good exercise for all couples every few yrs.

the section i have highlighted in red i would agree with except to perhaps change your choice of wording from wrong to lacking .

good post cally
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Old Sep 5th 2007, 1:26 am
  #29  
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Smile Re: Just needed to tell someone

Yes I had never even thought of each others basic needs before,i kind of thought we were doing ok in our marriage and was happy to just go with the flow and like you say something was lacking (yes a much better choice of word)

The councillor explained a relationship, how it evolves and needs nurturing and how it can fall apart so easily. A bit like a plant i guess if you dont take care of it it will wilt and then die....But if you start watering it again when you notice something is wrong there is a chance that you may be able to save it.............ok enough from me.....Will everyone be in the lounge tonight withpen and notepad ready to do the basic needs i wonder...... Bye for now xx
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Old Sep 5th 2007, 4:29 am
  #30  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

I am very sorry to read of the loss of your little boy. I lost my first little one. He was still born.

I really hope that you can find an outcome that will be good for you and your children. It must be hard when you have been with someone for so long to imagine a life without them, but he doesn't seem to be making much effort to earn back your trust.

Take care and good luck with what you decide.

Katie
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