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Just needed to tell someone

Just needed to tell someone

Old Aug 31st 2007, 1:08 pm
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Default Just needed to tell someone

Hi I am not new to this web site, but I have only recently joined and i need some help and advice.

I have been in Oz now for nearly a year and I do like the country, I wouldn’t say I love it but I defiantly don’t hate it.

One of the main reasons I left the UK was for a fresh start. I had found out a few years ago that my husband was having an affair, which had been going on for over a year. Within the same week I found out I was pregnant. So I decided to stay with my husband and give him a second chance. A few months later we lost our little boy. I got so fed up of constant reminders of the past, me and my husband decided to go to Australia (which we had talked about many years ago) and start a fresh. We already have 3 children so this was a big move for us. My family were very upset about the news, especially as they didn’t really trust my husband. But if my marriage was to have a second chance then I needed to get away from HER ( the other woman) and all the whispering.

When we arrived in Oz everything was great, we were so happy. No one knew about our history, I didn’t feel like people were talking about me. It was the best move we could of made.

Over the last few months things have changed, my husband has changed. They way he talks to me, if he talks to me. His started staying late after work for a drink with his work mates. He always seems that he wants to go fishing. When I question him he says he loves me and I’m being paranoid. In his eyes the affair never happened this is a fresh start and I am not allowed to talk about it. It’s like he has got me all on my own now, no family to run to.

I can’t tell my family I know they would worry so much about me, and this is something I have to do on my own. I know if I tell my husband that I am going home he will start the water works and make me feel sorry for him.

I want to go home, I want to be with my family, I don’t want to be with my husband anymore. But I know it will break my kids hearts as they are at the age now that they understand. My son is very much a daddy’s boy, I couldn’t tell him I was going to leave there dad as he would tell his dad, and I am not willing to leave him behind. My children have no idea of my husbands past hobbies.

I write this post out of pure frustration, I have no one I can talk to, Australia has become a prison for me.

Sawyer

Last edited by Sawyer; Aug 31st 2007 at 1:19 pm.
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Old Aug 31st 2007, 2:36 pm
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by Sawyer
Hi I am not new to this web site, but I have only recently joined and i need some help and advice.

I have been in Oz now for nearly a year and I do like the country, I wouldn’t say I love it but I defiantly don’t hate it.

One of the main reasons I left the UK was for a fresh start. I had found out a few years ago that my husband was having an affair, which had been going on for over a year. Within the same week I found out I was pregnant. So I decided to stay with my husband and give him a second chance. A few months later we lost our little boy. I got so fed up of constant reminders of the past, me and my husband decided to go to Australia (which we had talked about many years ago) and start a fresh. We already have 3 children so this was a big move for us. My family were very upset about the news, especially as they didn’t really trust my husband. But if my marriage was to have a second chance then I needed to get away from HER ( the other woman) and all the whispering.

When we arrived in Oz everything was great, we were so happy. No one knew about our history, I didn’t feel like people were talking about me. It was the best move we could of made.

Over the last few months things have changed, my husband has changed. They way he talks to me, if he talks to me. His started staying late after work for a drink with his work mates. He always seems that he wants to go fishing. When I question him he says he loves me and I’m being paranoid. In his eyes the affair never happened this is a fresh start and I am not allowed to talk about it. It’s like he has got me all on my own now, no family to run to.

I can’t tell my family I know they would worry so much about me, and this is something I have to do on my own. I know if I tell my husband that I am going home he will start the water works and make me feel sorry for him.

I want to go home, I want to be with my family, I don’t want to be with my husband anymore. But I know it will break my kids hearts as they are at the age now that they understand. My son is very much a daddy’s boy, I couldn’t tell him I was going to leave there dad as he would tell his dad, and I am not willing to leave him behind. My children have no idea of my husbands past hobbies.

I write this post out of pure frustration, I have no one I can talk to, Australia has become a prison for me.

Sawyer


Hi,
I'm so very sorry that you have had to go through all of this.
I think that it was incredibly brave of you to move to another country away from your family knowing what you did about your husband's past. I myself have a hard time forgiving and forgetting so that would have been a huge decision for me to have made had I been in your shoes. Walking away from a life with someone, especially when you have children together can be incredibly tough and I respect you for trying to give it another go.
By making that decision I guess you have to be able to somewhat forgive the past and hope that it will never be repeated. I guess that would mean allowing him a little alone time and time with friends once in a while, as long as the same is offered to you so that you are able to have some alone time when needed (as we all do now and again!). If you are uncomfortable every time he wants some time away from the family then that is no way to live. Having said that I'm sure that it is very hard to feel any different.
I hope that you can find a way to work things out and hope that you visit 'BE' often, there is always someone here to talk to when you need to.
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Old Aug 31st 2007, 2:43 pm
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by Sawyer
Hi I am not new to this web site, but I have only recently joined and i need some help and advice.

I have been in Oz now for nearly a year and I do like the country, I wouldn’t say I love it but I defiantly don’t hate it.

One of the main reasons I left the UK was for a fresh start. I had found out a few years ago that my husband was having an affair, which had been going on for over a year. Within the same week I found out I was pregnant. So I decided to stay with my husband and give him a second chance. A few months later we lost our little boy. I got so fed up of constant reminders of the past, me and my husband decided to go to Australia (which we had talked about many years ago) and start a fresh. We already have 3 children so this was a big move for us. My family were very upset about the news, especially as they didn’t really trust my husband. But if my marriage was to have a second chance then I needed to get away from HER ( the other woman) and all the whispering.

When we arrived in Oz everything was great, we were so happy. No one knew about our history, I didn’t feel like people were talking about me. It was the best move we could of made.

Over the last few months things have changed, my husband has changed. They way he talks to me, if he talks to me. His started staying late after work for a drink with his work mates. He always seems that he wants to go fishing. When I question him he says he loves me and I’m being paranoid. In his eyes the affair never happened this is a fresh start and I am not allowed to talk about it. It’s like he has got me all on my own now, no family to run to.

I can’t tell my family I know they would worry so much about me, and this is something I have to do on my own. I know if I tell my husband that I am going home he will start the water works and make me feel sorry for him.

I want to go home, I want to be with my family, I don’t want to be with my husband anymore. But I know it will break my kids hearts as they are at the age now that they understand. My son is very much a daddy’s boy, I couldn’t tell him I was going to leave there dad as he would tell his dad, and I am not willing to leave him behind. My children have no idea of my husbands past hobbies.

I write this post out of pure frustration, I have no one I can talk to, Australia has become a prison for me.

Sawyer
oh sweetheart

i am so sorry you feel so alone you have to make a decsion on what is best for you and yr children if that means going home (uk) then that is what is best for you .

if you were my friend i would tell you to leave your husband as you are not happy and that will have an impact on your children as they will know mummy is not happy .

if you want to pm me feel free

sending you a huge[[[[hug]]] and much love and support

take care of you and your little ones

tiffany
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Old Aug 31st 2007, 3:08 pm
  #4  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by hitchcock71
oh sweetheart

i am so sorry you feel so alone you have to make a decsion on what is best for you and yr children if that means going home (uk) then that is what is best for you .

if you were my friend i would tell you to leave your husband as you are not happy and that will have an impact on your children as they will know mummy is not happy .

if you want to pm me feel free

sending you a huge[[[[hug]]] and much love and support

take care of you and your little ones

tiffany
Sawyer - so sorry you are having such a crap time - remember there is only so much a person can shoulder alone - I know you don't want to worry anyone but you need emotional support at this time - speak to your family - I'm sure you will feel so much better sharing your dilemna with loved ones - remember you are only human and we all need a shoulder to cry on every now and then.

As for what you should do only you can answer that - sometimes when it's really hard to come to a decision about something important I often think to myself 'What would I do if I only had a year to live' - this approach often crystallises my thought process and helps me see the wood from the trees - give it a try see what you come up with!!??...whatever happens don't go though this alone - share your sadness with someone - you need and DESERVE some emotional support.
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Old Sep 1st 2007, 4:05 am
  #5  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I think by the way you wrote your post you are aware that you need to make a change.

I have also suffered the trauma of a misscarriage and wonder if you have recieved some support or councelling following this. Do not underestimate the effect it may be having on your life even after some time has passed. I still cry when I think about my lost baby and I am now healthily pregnant again, but it is a pain that does not dissapear.

I can only offer a supportive shoulder if you need one, and suggest that your husband and you start some marriage councelling. Hopefully this will help you come to the decision either to stay or go home, and whether or not you should be doing this as a couple or as two single parents supporting your children between you.

Bst of luck, and if you need to chat please PM me

Mel
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Old Sep 1st 2007, 3:49 pm
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by Sawyer
Over the last few months things have changed, my husband has changed. They way he talks to me, if he talks to me. His started staying late after work for a drink with his work mates. He always seems that he wants to go fishing. When I question him he says he loves me and I’m being paranoid. In his eyes the affair never happened this is a fresh start and I am not allowed to talk about it. It’s like he has got me all on my own now, no family to run to. Sawyer
You're not allowed to talk about present-day behaviour and worries because the past is off limits? That's his guilt complex talking. He's not letting you open the subject because he doesn't want to have to face it.

Are you able to send an email to his work address in which you can say - this is not about the past, this is because of (list everything as unemotionally as possible) then add that if the marriage is to survive the two of you have to find a way to discuss these things and find solutions. Can you suggest he takes you for a drink instead of his workmates (get a babysitter) so you can talk in a neutral place? Or would he try marriage guidance counselling?

Alarm bells are going off in my head... and probably in yours. It could just be that he's uneasy in your company because you're unhappy and showing it. Or it could be that he's found a female at work who makes him feel good. Are your instincts telling you that he is not acting towards you in a loving way, that he is avoiding you? They say the cheated female is the last to know but it's not really true... we suspect the truth but try to push our fears to the backs of our minds. There may be no other woman... he may just be distancing himself physically and emotionally because this "fresh start" hasn't given him the ideal solution either. So the question is - is there a way back for you two? If not, can you find a way to call it day while putting the children's well-being first?
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Old Sep 1st 2007, 7:00 pm
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

hi sawyer, glad you found us to talk to, welcome to BE

how old are your three children?

would your husband allow you to return to the uk with them?
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Old Sep 1st 2007, 9:44 pm
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Thankyou for all your kind words. Me and my husband have been together for 17 years, and it hurts me to feel that everything we have been through and I feel like this. We did seek marriage counselling after the affair, but it was so painful. After the 3rd session we decided not to go anymore. I had no counselling after the loss of my baby boy, looking back now I can not understand why I didn’t as I was offered it. The whole affair in the UK started as my husband went out a lot for his hobbies and along the way he met someone else. He told me afterwards he knew he was in the wrong but he couldn’t let go of this second life he had, and at the same time he couldn’t’ tell me for fear of losing me. He said it was never about love he has always loved me.

Lucky for me (if you can call it lucky), I’m a good liar and called his bluff. I think I had known for quite awhile there was another woman, I told him I knew about his secret life.

I think now when is see him out and about again I get scared and I hate having a marriage based on that. I have tried to tell him how I feel as one thing from the marriage counselling I did learn was that we didn’t talk to each other enough. But like I said in my previous post, he doesn’t like to talk about the past. I think his being unfair this is not what he promised me when he begged me to take him back.

I went to the flight centre yesterday after a big row to get some quote’s on getting back home. I told my husband that I was leaving him and going back to the UK. He went and laid down on the bed for hours, didn’t want to discuss it he said he was to upset. Then later on that day he came up to me and told me he doesn’t want us to separate he loves me and wants us to stay together as a family. He said he would never cheat on me and again and I had to trust him.

I’m scared all of ever known is my husband and it’s funny when I start planning on leaving him I worry if he will be alright.

I have got a lot of family and friends In the UK I can turn to when I’m back . But for now I cannot tell them, as I want them to still think that I’m living the Aussie dream and we were right to make the move. I don’t think I can bear the whispering to start again .

My children are aged 10, 8 and 5. Would my husband let me take them is a hard question. He would never be violent with me but I know there would be lots of tears and snot. Which would pull on my heart strings and would upset the kids so much. I think I would just have to go whilst he was at work. My quotes for flights were for 1st of October and I need to book them in the next few days. I feel physically sick at the moment, so many questions I keep asking myself. I tried asking myself 'What would I do if I only had a year to live' But my answer changes all the time.

Sawyer
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Old Sep 1st 2007, 9:46 pm
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

I would just like to say thankyou for the PM's but it won't let me read them untill i have made 3 post, which hopefully now i have.

Sawyer
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Old Sep 1st 2007, 9:56 pm
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

glad you came back

when you went to the flight centre did you get quotes for just you or the children as well?

i'm sure you love your husband but are you 'in love' with him? there is a big difference in loving someone and being in love.
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Old Sep 2nd 2007, 5:32 am
  #11  
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Smile Re: Just needed to tell someone

Hello and big hugs for you......I have been in a simiar situation to yours in that my hubby had not one but 2 affairs the difference being that we were already living in NZ when this happened and my boys were a lot older and my ex hubby was a kiwi and me from the UK.

I so feel for you as i know how very difficult it is to be so far from family during times like this (i didnt tell my family until a few weeks before we seperated) the difference was my hubbys affairs were spaced about 8yrs appart and both were with family friends and he refused to leave the small village (population 250 so easy to run into them both)

I found it extremely difficult to deal with BUT even though i am now seperated and still dealing with the problem of should i now return to the UK after 30yrs or not (as i have 2 boys here in their 30s and 3 grandchildren all under 2.5yrs)

I found a web site that you may find helpful (i unfortunately found it a little late and we had already seperated but i did have phone counselling with the founder of the site Wlliam Hartley and he was ust fantastic. i would have to say it was the best 1k i have ever spent as he has a totally different take on relationships his theorys are very good and from what i have heard form other friends that have used other counsilling methods i would only ever use him.

The website is www.marriagebuilders.com i highly rate this guys methods (there is also a forum on there which can be very helpful) and one thing i will just mention as you sound like you are maybe short on time is that he has a method he uses that from memory is called plan A part of this method is to start acting differently yourself but dont tell him dont say a thing ie:get your hair done start a new hobby go out by yourself for a drink (while he babysits) tell him you are going with friends even if you go and sit at the movies for a couple of hours by yourself the seret is to start living a life for yourself ad i mean if you leave him that is exactly what you will be doing anyhow BUT the thing is he will see the different you and it will scare him half to death he will suddenly think hey whats going on here. And then maybe you can start working on things with him if you want to.

Sorry this is turning into a long post but i guess what i am saying is if you truly love this guy is it worth trying to work it out for yourselves and the children. His crying on the bed or wherever sounds like hes acting up trying to get your attention and makeyou feel guilty which then takes the heat off him maybe but the thing is (as Dr hartley says) if a person acts needy people will push them away but if they become their own person everything changes. This is just a very small part of his way of councelling but i saw it actually work with my own hubby but unfortunately it was too late for us by that time....Although it didnt work for me i have to say councelling with his methods taught me such lot about relationships.

My own hubby was the sort of guy that always needed praise and when i became busy in our business obviously one of my mates praised him a bit more and hey presto we had another affair.....Thats how affairs generally start its a bit like the old sayin my wife/hubby doesnt understand e lol....Anyhow i hope this has helped in some small way if you would like to PM me feel free to do so......Take care now xxx
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Old Sep 2nd 2007, 7:40 am
  #12  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Karma sent to you Sawyer for giving him this second chance.

I feel his has alot of work to do to gain your trust back and should perhaps take a step back and see if he would be this good if the boot was on the other foot. !!

It takes a long time to build any trust back ( if you can that is ) it does not happen overnight and it means hubby should be putting in 110% and changing some of his ways. His guilt is obviously something he can't cope with but you know TOUGH he was the one who had the affair so he should be making sure you feel secure and if you ask questions then he needs to understand that you need that reassurance and saying you are paranoid is an insult. You have good reasons to question him , best he doesn't forget what HE did not you.I don't mean you have to bash him over the head at any given opportunity but he should see that his actions has caused you to act like this.

Now it's his turn to treat you like the loving lady you surely are. Respect you and cherish you.

He should be spending time with you not sodding fishing or staying out late for drinks. if this is the FRESH start he wants then he NEEDS to change.

Sending you hugs sweetie xxxx
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Old Sep 2nd 2007, 9:09 am
  #13  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by Sawyer
Hi I am not new to this web site, but I have only recently joined and i need some help and advice.

I have been in Oz now for nearly a year and I do like the country, I wouldn’t say I love it but I defiantly don’t hate it.

One of the main reasons I left the UK was for a fresh start. I had found out a few years ago that my husband was having an affair, which had been going on for over a year. Within the same week I found out I was pregnant. So I decided to stay with my husband and give him a second chance. A few months later we lost our little boy. I got so fed up of constant reminders of the past, me and my husband decided to go to Australia (which we had talked about many years ago) and start a fresh. We already have 3 children so this was a big move for us. My family were very upset about the news, especially as they didn’t really trust my husband. But if my marriage was to have a second chance then I needed to get away from HER ( the other woman) and all the whispering.

When we arrived in Oz everything was great, we were so happy. No one knew about our history, I didn’t feel like people were talking about me. It was the best move we could of made.

Over the last few months things have changed, my husband has changed. They way he talks to me, if he talks to me. His started staying late after work for a drink with his work mates. He always seems that he wants to go fishing. When I question him he says he loves me and I’m being paranoid. In his eyes the affair never happened this is a fresh start and I am not allowed to talk about it. It’s like he has got me all on my own now, no family to run to.

I can’t tell my family I know they would worry so much about me, and this is something I have to do on my own. I know if I tell my husband that I am going home he will start the water works and make me feel sorry for him.

I want to go home, I want to be with my family, I don’t want to be with my husband anymore. But I know it will break my kids hearts as they are at the age now that they understand. My son is very much a daddy’s boy, I couldn’t tell him I was going to leave there dad as he would tell his dad, and I am not willing to leave him behind. My children have no idea of my husbands past hobbies.

I write this post out of pure frustration, I have no one I can talk to, Australia has become a prison for me.

Sawyer

Another member has suggested it - some counselling. I believe you and you husband need a place to talk in a structured way and where blame does not take an upper hand. He needs to feel he can be open and honest - so do you but if you get into blame - on either side, I think you will be doomed. I also agree that I hear alarm bells ringing. Even if her is just going fishing and staying out late with friends (lets take him at his word for the moment) it does not seem that he understands your feelings very well, especially your feelings of lonliness and lack oloneliness. I was a house husband for the first 18 months of my time here. It really helped me to understand the isolation, drudgery and exhaustion that many stay at home mums experience.Husbands go to work but many have no real understanding of how draining the work at home can be. It's not all coffee and chats with the girls. Perhaps he needs to know this -- perhaps he already does. He is not to blame for your feelings but he could perhaps be more understanding and help you will them. As it stands it looks as if he is dealing with his pain by using "avoidance". It may be that a few counselling sessions could help. It might be that he would be more prepared to talk to a male counsellor. If you send me a private message or email, I will try and see if I knnow of anyone in yknowrea.
Good luck.
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Old Sep 2nd 2007, 10:18 am
  #14  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

October 1st is too soon... it won't hurt to allow yourself say until December to try a few tactics and see what happens - you owe that to your children as well as to your good self. There are some constructive suggestions above from people in your neck of the woods. I hope you will feel that you can give yourself a teensy bit of time to try some of them; after 17 years it's worth a few weeks, no? And you can rant all you want on here or in PMs. You can already see from the responses so far that there are people who really do understand and are kindly and want to help. May your daily mantra be: "this too will pass". Rooting for you.

Last edited by newshoney; Sep 2nd 2007 at 10:49 am. Reason: inserting missing word
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Old Sep 2nd 2007, 1:11 pm
  #15  
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Default Re: Just needed to tell someone

Originally Posted by Sawyer
He said he would never cheat on me and again and I had to trust him.


Sawyer
No, you don't have to trust him. Trust is something that is earned, and he needs to earn your trust back. It's not good enough to simply say it's in the past, won't happen again, let's not talk about it anymore. He needs be completely transparent in everything he says and does for as long as it takes if he wants to earn your trust. He shouldn't expect you to give him complete trust him after what he did to you. That's putting all the work on repairing the marriage on your shoulders. If anyone needs to be putting in the hard work of repair, it's him.

Really hope you can work things out. <<<<hugs>>>
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