pannacotta

I'm an EU national, 20+ years in the US, grew up in the UK (all schools, uni etc so consider myself British as well as from my country, parents still in the UK) . Hubby American and his job is very tied to US and he loves it.

Me.. I gave up work to look after kids, spend the summers in Europe (I know people in real life who read this forum and don't want them to figure out it's me.. hence the vague details)

but.. now.. after 30 years outside Europe (20 US + 10 elsewhere) I'm desperate to return. I don't and have never been interested in getting US citizenship, (have green card), I cry half the plane ride back to the US after the couple of months I spend there in the summer with the kids so that they can continue to be bilingual.

I have these disjointed relationships with American friends where I can't talk about certain things or reveal an interest in X because they don't understand it (very nice people, but very different) or their kids don't eat anything but mac n cheese or pasta plain boiled and like a glob of gluey yuk, or feeling can exhale and be myself with the expats from my country who are here too, but knowing hubby doesn't get it. He considers the USA the best country in the world and everywhere else fine to visit but 'inferior' for work or education (!)

We are fighting more and more, and when I say I've been here 20 yrs, and really don't want to remain.. I also have to say I understand his point of view. He's in a job he loves, and from which you don't 'retire' (you work till you are incapable of working). Do I ask him to give it up?

But our kids are preteen and I'm desperate to make them feel more European and have their hearts and identity be there because the thought of them growing up and marrying am American and staying here and me torn between seeing my kids or being finally in my country.. is a bitch.

I am crying every day about this. I don't know what to do. I've lived in 9 countries, am super adaptable, speak a bunch of languages, did a bunch of jobs at high level but as I get older (mid 50s) I miss Europe every single day and feel he doesn't understand this. He tells me to quit complaining. That work is impossible for him there. That he'd rather get divorced than move. That if I want to go then I go.

The kids.. they'd move to Europe. But at the cost of the marriage what's left of it?

And yet how can you ask me to just suck it up and continue living here when I'm so desperately unhappy and feeling I can't even talk about it with him.

"stop complaining about this, you have a nice house, car, spend the summer in Europe, it's not as advanced as America (yeah right)."

I feel he doesn't want to look at really looking for a job there, only find fault with anything European. Every time I intro him to someone, even a super accomplished person, if that person i European he will immediately find fault with them. But not Americans. We have friends who can't even hold a knife and fork correctly, who let their kids eat with their hands (and only mac and cheese..), who don't even know where Paris is.. and yet he loves to spend time with them.

I might add that what drew me to him is that he's culturally international too- meaning his parents were immigrants (I'm an expat not an immigrant and that's a very important difference. I moved here temporarily for work, then met him and stayed, but at no point did I intend nor do I intend to become American by nationality. It's just a country I happen to live in for now) and that I thought he understood what it's like to have a foot in 2 places.

But he doesn't. He doesn't speak the language of his parents, he's not interested in learning my language nor has he learnt more than a few words in 19 years of marriage. (He's not naturally talented at languages.. but he also doesn't want to learn)

So what do I do, beyond feeling miserable. I'm not even asking him to return to my country, but anywhere in Europe would be better for me. UK is fine too - same language so he (and I once I sort the kids out) can work.

Pulaski

It looks like the ball is in your court.

If you are really that miserable I know what I would do.

Jerseygirl

May not be so easy...they have children and the father may not give his permission to remove them from the US.

I sympathise I was homesick and depressed for many years after moving. The only light at the end of the tunnel was hubby telling me I only had to say the word and we would be on the next plane. I think I would have gone crazy if he had not supported me.

mrken30

If you think it is a cultural problem, is there any European groups nearby? I know a lot of my kid's friends are European and there are definitely cultural differences. It's sometimes nice to be "European" once in a while.

BristolUK

That's the only obstacle I see and that could be solved even if it really were an obstacle.
What's left of it may be meaningful. A 'home' both sides of the Atlantic for the kids might be an attraction, everything else aside.

Two things I notice...and this might just be because it's a forum rather than a deep and meaningful conversation...

• Sometimes you read advice columns from people who say "I dearly love my wife/husband but..." and then there's something that seems so minor how could it cancel out the love. You didn't mention love.

and

Honestly, if you could sort out where the kids were to live, fairly amicably with no problems in their flitting between Europe and America, you should be back in Europe ASAP.

Jerseygirl

It can be easily solved if the father gives his permission...if not how can it be easily solved?

mrken30

Pay someone to kidnap the children, easy. Then live out the rest of your life as a fugative.

BristolUK

Could be solved. I didn't say easily
Legal process seems possible? Persuasion? Negotiation. The kids' wishes swaying either parent. A change of mind. Or even decide that whatever shared arrangement is better than being miserable all the time.

petitefrancaise

Crikey, I don't think you need to leave the US. I think you need to leave your husband. What an insensitive,selfish oaf. I'm on a forum so I get to say stuff like this!

But seriously, it sounds like the marriage is over anyway.

How old are the kids? If they are above 10 yrs of age and your hubby doesn't want them to leave then they get to make the choice - before a judge.

Pack your bags missus!

Jerseygirl

I thought it was older than 10...it is very young to make such a decision.

Giantaxe

It's going to depend on the state and how courts in that state weight the wishes of children versus the parents.

Jerseygirl

Pretty much what I thought rather than a blanket 10 years of age across board. Still very young IMO unless the other parent is violent, druggie etc.

Thanks.

Pulaski

It seems like it could still be solved amicably - in the reverse of the way that many of us here have managed our relationships. I.e. turn a marriage into a long distance relationship.

In fact one of the elder statesmen of the forum has himself pretty much done the same thing, at least for a good bit of the year.

Jerseygirl

Not so easy when children are involved...due to school etc. Much easier when you are retired.

petitefrancaise

I'm not sure the OP needs to leave the USA - she needs to find a circle of friends that are more like her and less like her husband perhaps. Get a job? Get a different job?

Separate from her OH for a bit to see how she feels. Perhaps ask him to move out of the family home and into a nearby apartment. Being around someone who seems to care so little for what she wants has to be absolutely soul destroying. Go to marriage counselling, Talk to a lawyer. Get a lover! How European are you??? Le cinq a sept has prolonged many a marriage in france....Google second saturday divorce workshops for a start and find out information.