Kebabo

I am new to posting messages on this forum, although have been reading everyone elses post for a long time and as you guys are all so kind and helpful, I thought I might ask for some advice.

I am stuck in the horrid situation that I want to return to the UK but my OH flatly refuses thinking that Australia is the best place on earth (we have been here 9 months) .... we have 2 children who have settled into life over here very well... if I was to return to the UK it would definately be without OH, he would feel like a failure to return and that is just not something he would accept.. ! My problem is not leaving him but to try and decide what is best for the children.. are they better here, where I do think they have a better quality of life.. or returing with me?

Our reasons for coming to Oz was for the 'better life' but husband had been working overseas Monday to Friday for 18 months before we left and I wanted us all back together as a regular family 7 days a week, thus the move over... since arriving things have taken a nose dive in his profession with the US money crash thing and he is now working in a different city Monday to Friday from where we live.. so back to as we were in the Uk..!! except here I am working 5 days a week (worked 3 at home) ... have no friends and family for support and am slowly going mad.....

Everytime I approach the subject with my OH he says I am selfish... will ruin the childrens life by returning (they are 9 & 6).. and he goes on that they will never have this time in their lives back again (but then neither will I)

I am slowly going stir crazy with what is going on in my head.. and can't decide whether to put myself first for once.. or put my childrens future first and just stay here and put up with life!

Any advice anybody?

tillysmum

Sorry to hear of your very difficult situation, its so hard when children are involved and as women we are very good at emotionally crucifying ourselves. It sound like you have worked very hard to keep your relationship together, cant offer any advice other than take your time and way up all your options and try to come out of it as sane as possible. (((hugs)))

Machiavelli

Oh! I really feel for you.

Are you anywhere that 'meets' are held?

Just thinking that if you could meet with others in a similar situation it would maybe (just) make a little difference.

For what it's worth, Ithink that you should put yourself first in this instance. If Mum isn't happy then how can you expect a 6&9 year old to be happy?

Where are you? Where did you live before now? Is your husband under extreme pressure at work? There are lots of things that you will have to consider before making a 'sensible' decision.

I hope things improve for you in the near future.

M

quoll

So sorry to hear of your dilemma! When you throw kids in the mix it all becomes incredibly complicated. Is moving to where your DH is working an option? or is his job there not permanent either - a small move within Aus may be better than a major split and move back to UK.

If you were to go back, would you really leave your kids here? It doesnt sound as if your DH would be able to care for them and you probably wouldnt want to be leaving them anyway. If you took them back they would be just fine - millions of kids are growing up happy, healthy and well educated in the UK there is absolutely no reason why yours will be in any way deprived just because they dont live in a country with constant sunshine.

However, as Tilleysmum said so eloquently, mothers do tend to emotionally crucify themselves and you have to work out whether your mental health can cope with that. It can be done - sure it can but how happy your life will be is the big question. I would suggest trying to find a counsellor to help you work your way through the maze because left to yourself you will probably find yourself going round and round in circles. Given that this is putting a strain on your relationship, you may want to look at marriage counselling as well - that way your DH may come to realize the depth of your despair about the situation you find yourself in. If you do opt for counselling there are a couple of strategies that help - CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) are particularly useful in these sort of situations.

I would suggest trying to come up with a compromise plan with your DH - one that involves a time frame that you can live with for example if you made the decision that you would evaluate in 12 months time with a commitment from him that if it wasnt working for you then you go home or that you make the decision when your eldest gets to HS. If you have a time frame it sort of gives you an escape clause and you know that this isnt forever - once you are not trapped it does get easier to manage.

Meanwhile do try and get out to meet people - not easy when you have kids I know but can you join a gym, bookclub, walking club, etc or would you like to sign up for some voluntary work with the SES, RFB, Lifeline etc.

Big {{{hugs}}} and hang in there!

Cheetah7

I felt so sorry for you reading this post.

My husband is doing shift work and I spend alot of time alone which I find quite hard sometimes.

Although in England my friends lived far away from me, I still had Mr PP home in the evenings.

And although I am not in my dream job (who is?), work gives me something to do, good company/people and an income.

Spending alot of time on your own is not good for you, you have nothing but your own thoughts to play with and these thoughts are magnified when you are on your own.

I wonder if your life would be better if your husband spent more time with you, thus having the life you originally planned?

It might be hard for you to remove the children from Australia without his consent anyway and personally I would try other avenues before even going down that road.

It could be worth talking to your husband again but this time explaining why you feel the way you do and ask him how he would feel if you worked away from home leaving him on his own for long periods of time. Fair enough the guy has to work, but he needs to understand how you are feeling - that would be a start.

It would be nice if a compromise could be reached because how the situation is dealt with now could drastically have an effect on everyone concerned.

Your husband cant have it all ways, he may well call you selfish for wanting to go home but he cant call you selfish for not enjoying being a part time partner and spending more time on your own with a young family than is healthy.

Be honest, be open and above all be calm in your approach to him and hopefully you can meet each other half way.

Being on your own is hard, however I have officially dedicated that time to me, to do what I want and what makes me happy - drawing/writing etc. Well it keeps me busy

Good luck, I hope you can sort something.

chicagojlo

Ooh it gets on my goat when they are the ones getting everything they want and they call you selfish. Sure he is happy, he isn't the one stuck home with the kids 5 days a week!

I do think that it sounds as if staying is going to be your best option right now if your kids are happy, is it possible for you to make changes so you can all be together - moving to where he works, or possibly you getting a job which means he doesn't have to earn as much?

w1ldcat

Hi kababo
I know how you feeling . Dont leave there groups on this network you can me up. Go on the oz site say is there anyone from the area . Has your man must have now people at work .Invite the round for a barbie . Or try this on invited most of the neighbours round for barbie get to know them.
Your kids must have mates dont the mums talk. get know them dont sit back think positive . you working dont they mix . we all have bad days talk to your man tell him dont you share your thoughts to each other. I dont live in oz i would meet up you. by the way my hubbie works long hrs too i have wee boy i dont see many people ether i only see my parents sometimes but i mingle around try get involed.
goood luck hope it works for you
love from scotland

Renie

I have been in a very similar situation to you.

Been in Aus for 3 years and had lots of ups and downs, I wanted to go home, OH wanted to stop, and it was getting to the point I was going to do it, was leave Australia without them all.

Marriage was falling apart, had one session with marriage guidance was no help whatsoever.

We are very private people and generally kept our problems and thoughts to ourselves and I can honestly say this is why we are still together now, no outside interference from anyone. We got ourselves into this mess and will work our ways out of it, kind of attitude.

We are now all going back together as a family, even though I made the decision early on about returning, my OH has now also made the decision to return, it was his decision entirely.

I don't really know what to suggest to you everyone is different on how they cope with things, maybe time and talking to each other will sort it out, good luck I know what you are going through

TraceyW

Oh how many times have I heard this sh*ite "It's much better for the kids here" crap. Your kids, unless you lived in an absolute craphole back in the UK, will be perfectly fine wherever you are. It's not about where you bring them up, it's how that's more important. Trust me, as a teacher I have seen the most obnoxiously behaved little brats over here, so it just goes to show, bad kids aren't created by where they live.

As for the OH situation, my OH stamped his little feet for the first couple of years and demanded we stay here for citizenship and I agreed. After that he was given the ultimatum by me; Australia or our marriage because he sure as hell wasn't having both. Thankfully he chose the right one and we're all going home in October (I hope!).

I have seen a few couples in the same situation as you. It got to the stage with one where the wife just upped and left with the kids. She didn't tell him because he would've said she couldn't take the kids. Once they were back in the UK, the OH soon went home, tail between his legs. Even if he hadn't followed her back, the chances of him getting the kids deported back to Aus would be very slim indeed.

Ask him what's more important, you or Australia? Oh, and find yours and your kids passports and hide them. I also know of a man who's hidden his kids passports so his wife cannot leave

LizaJane

I feel for you so much it brings back so many horrible and anxious feelings reading your message and others reply. I knew within weeks of being here we had made a mistake but hubby fell in love with the place, me and the kids had issues settling and I think looking back they had more probs because I was falling apart. My kids were 6 and 8 when we arrived.

I started smoking again, suffered anxiety attacks, chest pains, severe headaches and panic attacks all within the first year. I would say it was a good year and a bit before I stopped crying myself to sleep. The problems and the way you feel are very genuine and can get out of control. I thought I was losing the plot.

Everyone around me would go on about how lucky we were how much we could afford to do, coming over with sterling our first house cost us the same as the mortgage we had in the UK., no mortgage and money in the bank!!

All that did was make me feel worse, like I should feel grateful, I also was being selfish and I was often told I should think of the kids etc! It is so easy to make mothers feel guilty, the whole of my childrens future would be in ruins because of me, unbearable. But you know it works guilt is a terrible thing.

So 4 years later and 3 stone heavier (eat when depressed and have been very depressed), lots of arguments and tears, told hubby was not going to die in NZ and wanted kids educated in England. For the first time in 12 years I was going to put myself first (have been a stay at home mum) as could not go on the way we were.

Believe me it was hard to get hubby to listen at first without being defensive and cutting but I kept going. Once he had let go of this bubble we live in here and that going back to the UK was not some major failing on his part he actually agreed with much of what I was saying.

At Christmas he asked if I wanted to go back, completely stunned me, apparently he had been thinking about all that had been said and come to the conclusion that he couldn't see a future for us in NZ. How happy am I?

Wish it had happened a lot sooner but better late than never. My moods have changed so much I don't have a big black cloud over and I rarely shed a tear, I have even given up smoking!!! Nxt the weight but thats a whole new ball.

My point is, I totally get where you are coming from and would say hand on heart, lose the guilt, your kids will survive and will be all the better for having a happy mum, its hubby you have to talk to and if he anything like mine was he will make you feel like you are pushing him over the edge at time when 'he' doesn't need it, that you are the unsettling influence and making things more difficult than they need to be. Honestly, lose the guilt, you will look at things more clearly, get your argument together, your pros and cons, emotional effects, concerns for kids, your longterm relationship, finances,the lot, on the table and up for discussion. He won't like it, most men don't like anything quite as in your face and raw, but hey, a woman on the edge...and needs must....!!

Life is to short to live somewhere you don't like, its like being caught between a rock and a hard place. At the end of the day only you know if you can stick it. good luck go for it, do what you think is right for you and yours.

Nu-Shooz

Can i just ask you afew questions??? Why do we all think coming to OZ is giving us a better life?
Why will the childrens life's be ruined by going back to UK?
Does your husband think his life will be complete on his own if you return to UK without him?
Does he think he's being fair by making you stay here knowing you are unhappy?



Sounds like it's all one sided to me, no marriage should be like that. Where's the compromise?

Renie

Women generally realise things far more quickly then men when things are not right, we look at the past, present and future, men generally take a little longer to come to the same realisation.

When we originally came out we both agreed we would give it two years and get our citizenship and if we didn't like it return home. Got the citizenship and now in the process of selling up here and returning, sounds easy doesn't it, but I can tell you we have one hell of a ride these last 3 years, trust me OH will realise in time.

sue1964

I think moving to another part of the world is bad enough but for your husband to be working away thats just crazy.
You have to make choices my husbands a chef but didn't go into hotels,restaurants as of the hours he took a pay cut and works in school,s police etc cheffing still but finish at 2pm and no weekend or bank holidays.

As for kids we all worry but at that age they will adapt where ever what about kids who's paretns are in the forces.

I still think its very early for moving back if you had 2 years as a cut off at least kids can get visa's and you will both of made freinds which you can't be expected to do working all those hours.

crap coffee

If I was you, I would leave him. seriously, if he loves you truly, and lots lots, he will listen to you/respect your point of view. don't you think he is selfish?

Kids? it doesn't matter - it's perfectly fine both UK or OZ.

ask yourself first, do you love him truly?

me, personally, I'd be happy - it doesn't matter whereever I am in the world as long as I love my husband truly 200% (especially if I already have children) That's it. why on earth people bother marrying someone if they don't have such a huge, big commitment (sacrifices) with themselves ? for me, that's very irresponsible. so I shall not marry unless I swear to God.

mind you, you can't have everything what you want in your life. - everybody does. you need to comprimise in certain things.

myself = I couldnt give up my career so I gave up my partner. My life is just once and I don't want to give up my life though I loved him 300% but it was my decision to leave him (of course it hurts me terribly) and I do know well -- I won't/can't meet such a handsome, tall, intelligent & awesome man ever again in my life. yes. He was a man of my dream. Nonetheless I let him go..... - for me, career is more important than marriage. I don't want to follow him from UK -> NZ -> London to Swiss etc etc

leave him, and just see what happens. If he loves you then he will come to UK to join you but he doesn't, then maybe you guys not mean to be together. that simple. and please be strong. you are the most important one = yourself is priority. Ok? when you are happy with yourself, your kids also can be happy - that's what I believe.

sue1964

Must be hard but really if one likes it and the other dosn't who gives in.I think if given it a good try 2 years then her husband should let them all go back.