I have to leave this place
Jul 12th 2007, 2:18 pm
#31
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,133
Re: I have to leave this place
The point I'm trying to get across, albeit badly, is that if a person is suffering from depression then 'good' decision making is next to impossible.
They may decide on something in a state of confusion. However, with some professional help they can get fit and well again and be more likely to make the right decisions for themselves.
I just think that hard talking..............is not always the best way, straight away!
They may decide on something in a state of confusion. However, with some professional help they can get fit and well again and be more likely to make the right decisions for themselves.
I just think that hard talking..............is not always the best way, straight away!
Jul 12th 2007, 2:46 pm
#32
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2007
Location: Spain then Massachusetts USA
Posts: 211
Re: I have to leave this place
Exactly, and telling someone to pull themselves together, snap out of it or all the other "useful" advice that comes along never helps either.
Jul 12th 2007, 7:20 pm
#33
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2007
Location: new zealand
Posts: 76
Re: I have to leave this place
Jul 12th 2007, 9:57 pm
#34
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 629
Re: I have to leave this place
Why is it that some of these threads end up so hurtful?
Why don't some of you keep criticism constructive. Why do some of you have to be so harsh?
Some of these people need a tender guiding hand, not a slap and a poke of condemnation.
I'm sorry if i offend anyone with this post, but come on...........try to be kind. Responses like this could push some one over the edge if they are suffering with depression. I know they would me!
Depression should be taken seriously.
If any of you are feeling down and it does not go away, get help. Talk to someone you trust. Friend, partner, doctor.
When you are feeling down this can be hard, but the more you talk the better you are likely to feel.
Why don't some of you keep criticism constructive. Why do some of you have to be so harsh?
Some of these people need a tender guiding hand, not a slap and a poke of condemnation.
I'm sorry if i offend anyone with this post, but come on...........try to be kind. Responses like this could push some one over the edge if they are suffering with depression. I know they would me!
Depression should be taken seriously.
If any of you are feeling down and it does not go away, get help. Talk to someone you trust. Friend, partner, doctor.
When you are feeling down this can be hard, but the more you talk the better you are likely to feel.
If he is experiencing depression, as I have, then again I recommend he talks to a counsellor (CBT therapist specifically) before making any major decisions. Cognitive behaviour therapy is exactly about decision making, and how you view the world and yourself. And it is the only therapy to have proven effectiveness for depression. It is also not a softly softly approach. It is quite straightforward.
My point is that especially where there are children's lives at stake, we have to remember that we are responsible. No matter what our concerns, no matter what our fears, no matter what our feelings, WE ARE RESPONSIBLE. As soon as we fall into a victim mentality, we reduce our chances of recovering from the situation markedly.
Kindness is essential. But collusive and delusive 'kindness' is cruel. We have to be mindful of what kind of kindness we are offering.
Jul 12th 2007, 10:03 pm
#35
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 629
Re: I have to leave this place
I think that some posters do not consider how they come across rather than being deliberately insensitive. I interpret the posts of ShozinOz for example as trying to remind the poster that he is ultimately in control of the decisions he makes, trying to highlight that we can regain control of our lives if we have the perception that we can.
I feel for the OP. He sounds fearful and depressed. I hope that his sense of desperation lessens soon.
I feel for the OP. He sounds fearful and depressed. I hope that his sense of desperation lessens soon.
Jul 12th 2007, 10:06 pm
#36
A rather curious boy
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 5,917
Re: I have to leave this place
Exactly bb. But I considered exactly how I came across, and would write the same again. I have many stories, as a psychologist and someone with a lot of experience of mental health issues, of people taking very damaging action after 'kind' advice that offered no challenge, and instead colluded.
Jul 12th 2007, 11:28 pm
#37
Banned
Thread Starter
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Wilston
Posts: 908
Re: I have to leave this place
Seems to of stirred up a bit of a debate this thread eh 
I posted last night after a few beers (always a mistake) and probably came across not exactly how I intended.
I just miss all things British, simple everyday things like a walk to the local shops past a row of houses which were built before Australia received it's first convict. There was just a feeling of belonging which I do not have here in Australia even though we have been here 3 years and we are all Aussie citizens.
We would without doubt only return as a family, there is no way I could walk out on my family, that is just the beer talking but when I typed those words last night I believed them fueled by alcohol. I just need to convince the wife to give it a try.
I am planning another trip back for next year where I will return with the kids for a month or so and really weigh things up with the wife who has promised to keep an open mind on the issue although I know she is hoping I get over this longing for home before then.
Thanks for all your messages and just for helping me keep things in perspective and to help me focus on that tiny glow of light at the end of the tunnel.
I posted last night after a few beers (always a mistake) and probably came across not exactly how I intended.
I just miss all things British, simple everyday things like a walk to the local shops past a row of houses which were built before Australia received it's first convict. There was just a feeling of belonging which I do not have here in Australia even though we have been here 3 years and we are all Aussie citizens.
We would without doubt only return as a family, there is no way I could walk out on my family, that is just the beer talking but when I typed those words last night I believed them fueled by alcohol. I just need to convince the wife to give it a try.
I am planning another trip back for next year where I will return with the kids for a month or so and really weigh things up with the wife who has promised to keep an open mind on the issue although I know she is hoping I get over this longing for home before then.
Thanks for all your messages and just for helping me keep things in perspective and to help me focus on that tiny glow of light at the end of the tunnel.
Jul 13th 2007, 12:03 am
#38
A rather curious boy
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 5,917
Re: I have to leave this place
Seems to of stirred up a bit of a debate this thread eh
I posted last night after a few beers (always a mistake) and probably came across not exactly how I intended.
I just miss all things British, simple everyday things like a walk to the local shops past a row of houses which were built before Australia received it's first convict. There was just a feeling of belonging which I do not have here in Australia even though we have been here 3 years and we are all Aussie citizens.
We would without doubt only return as a family, there is no way I could walk out on my family, that is just the beer talking but when I typed those words last night I believed them fueled by alcohol. I just need to convince the wife to give it a try.
I am planning another trip back for next year where I will return with the kids for a month or so and really weigh things up with the wife who has promised to keep an open mind on the issue although I know she is hoping I get over this longing for home before then.
Thanks for all your messages and just for helping me keep things in perspective and to help me focus on that tiny glow of light at the end of the tunnel.
I posted last night after a few beers (always a mistake) and probably came across not exactly how I intended.
I just miss all things British, simple everyday things like a walk to the local shops past a row of houses which were built before Australia received it's first convict. There was just a feeling of belonging which I do not have here in Australia even though we have been here 3 years and we are all Aussie citizens.
We would without doubt only return as a family, there is no way I could walk out on my family, that is just the beer talking but when I typed those words last night I believed them fueled by alcohol. I just need to convince the wife to give it a try.
I am planning another trip back for next year where I will return with the kids for a month or so and really weigh things up with the wife who has promised to keep an open mind on the issue although I know she is hoping I get over this longing for home before then.
Thanks for all your messages and just for helping me keep things in perspective and to help me focus on that tiny glow of light at the end of the tunnel.
Jul 13th 2007, 12:21 am
#39
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 629
Re: I have to leave this place
Seems to of stirred up a bit of a debate this thread eh
I posted last night after a few beers (always a mistake) and probably came across not exactly how I intended.
I just miss all things British, simple everyday things like a walk to the local shops past a row of houses which were built before Australia received it's first convict. There was just a feeling of belonging which I do not have here in Australia even though we have been here 3 years and we are all Aussie citizens.
We would without doubt only return as a family, there is no way I could walk out on my family, that is just the beer talking but when I typed those words last night I believed them fueled by alcohol. I just need to convince the wife to give it a try.
I am planning another trip back for next year where I will return with the kids for a month or so and really weigh things up with the wife who has promised to keep an open mind on the issue although I know she is hoping I get over this longing for home before then.
Thanks for all your messages and just for helping me keep things in perspective and to help me focus on that tiny glow of light at the end of the tunnel.
I posted last night after a few beers (always a mistake) and probably came across not exactly how I intended.
I just miss all things British, simple everyday things like a walk to the local shops past a row of houses which were built before Australia received it's first convict. There was just a feeling of belonging which I do not have here in Australia even though we have been here 3 years and we are all Aussie citizens.
We would without doubt only return as a family, there is no way I could walk out on my family, that is just the beer talking but when I typed those words last night I believed them fueled by alcohol. I just need to convince the wife to give it a try.
I am planning another trip back for next year where I will return with the kids for a month or so and really weigh things up with the wife who has promised to keep an open mind on the issue although I know she is hoping I get over this longing for home before then.
Thanks for all your messages and just for helping me keep things in perspective and to help me focus on that tiny glow of light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope it all works out well, whether you stay or go. Would you consider somewhere else perhaps first, even if for a little while? Like Syd or Melb? Even for a few weeks or months as a tester? Anyway, if you talk about it with your family, then coming home together may be the best option in the end. We did. At the time, it was the right thing to do, and going back in time even with hindsight we would do the same. But it is only temporary for us. Sometimes you do need to come back to what you know in order to know what you want, and that may be what you left! Either way, if you do it as a family then no one is hurt.
Well done you.
BTW - I know exactly what you mean about alcohol. I have pretty much given up alcohol - find it messes with my thinking and feeling no end.
Jul 13th 2007, 1:24 am
#40
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2007
Location: Spain then Massachusetts USA
Posts: 211
Re: I have to leave this place
I'm so glad you're feeling better today. Hang in there and maybe start planting some English things around the house as subliminal messages for the wife!
Good luck and keep us posted.
Jul 13th 2007, 10:14 am
#41
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2007
Location: new zealand
Posts: 76
Re: I have to leave this place
Seems to of stirred up a bit of a debate this thread eh
I posted last night after a few beers (always a mistake) and probably came across not exactly how I intended.
I just miss all things British, simple everyday things like a walk to the local shops past a row of houses which were built before Australia received it's first convict. There was just a feeling of belonging which I do not have here in Australia even though we have been here 3 years and we are all Aussie citizens.
We would without doubt only return as a family, there is no way I could walk out on my family, that is just the beer talking but when I typed those words last night I believed them fueled by alcohol. I just need to convince the wife to give it a try.
I am planning another trip back for next year where I will return with the kids for a month or so and really weigh things up with the wife who has promised to keep an open mind on the issue although I know she is hoping I get over this longing for home before then.
Thanks for all your messages and just for helping me keep things in perspective and to help me focus on that tiny glow of light at the end of the tunnel.
I posted last night after a few beers (always a mistake) and probably came across not exactly how I intended.
I just miss all things British, simple everyday things like a walk to the local shops past a row of houses which were built before Australia received it's first convict. There was just a feeling of belonging which I do not have here in Australia even though we have been here 3 years and we are all Aussie citizens.
We would without doubt only return as a family, there is no way I could walk out on my family, that is just the beer talking but when I typed those words last night I believed them fueled by alcohol. I just need to convince the wife to give it a try.
I am planning another trip back for next year where I will return with the kids for a month or so and really weigh things up with the wife who has promised to keep an open mind on the issue although I know she is hoping I get over this longing for home before then.
Thanks for all your messages and just for helping me keep things in perspective and to help me focus on that tiny glow of light at the end of the tunnel.
Good Luck mate.
Jul 13th 2007, 11:01 am
#42
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2007
Location: new zealand
Posts: 76
Re: I have to leave this place
Who is being hurtful? Who mentioned depression? The OP didn't. You did.
If he is experiencing depression, as I have, then again I recommend he talks to a counsellor (CBT therapist specifically) before making any major decisions. Cognitive behaviour therapy is exactly about decision making, and how you view the world and yourself. And it is the only therapy to have proven effectiveness for depression. It is also not a softly softly approach. It is quite straightforward.
My point is that especially where there are children's lives at stake, we have to remember that we are responsible. No matter what our concerns, no matter what our fears, no matter what our feelings, WE ARE RESPONSIBLE. As soon as we fall into a victim mentality, we reduce our chances of recovering from the situation markedly.
Kindness is essential. But collusive and delusive 'kindness' is cruel. We have to be mindful of what kind of kindness we are offering.
If he is experiencing depression, as I have, then again I recommend he talks to a counsellor (CBT therapist specifically) before making any major decisions. Cognitive behaviour therapy is exactly about decision making, and how you view the world and yourself. And it is the only therapy to have proven effectiveness for depression. It is also not a softly softly approach. It is quite straightforward.
My point is that especially where there are children's lives at stake, we have to remember that we are responsible. No matter what our concerns, no matter what our fears, no matter what our feelings, WE ARE RESPONSIBLE. As soon as we fall into a victim mentality, we reduce our chances of recovering from the situation markedly.
Kindness is essential. But collusive and delusive 'kindness' is cruel. We have to be mindful of what kind of kindness we are offering.
When i don't know the full facts of a persons situation and feelings, i find it wise to air on the side of caution.
The type of kindness i was trying to offer was guidance and patience. ie, talking to friends, family, professionals. This website.......which Fat Bloke has
(Have more water with it fat bloke. lol.)
As an on going sufferer from depression I'm very aware that decision making is so hard and takes time. Also, as you said we are responsible for our children. If he was suffering from the worse case scenario (depression) then he would need support to do this. It's all very well saying we are responsible no matter what. But sometimes we need help and getting help is being extremely responsible.
As for therapy not being the 'softly softly approach'. No it isn't. However i personally find that mine is very gentle.
Maybe we should all learn that we are all different and have different needs.
What works for one, is not necessarily what will work for another.
It seems that i have ,'stirred up a debate'. This was not my intention. Sorry if I've caused any offence.
Jul 13th 2007, 9:48 pm
#43
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 629
Re: I have to leave this place
I mentioned depression as a worst possible scenario concerning Fat Bloke.
When i don't know the full facts of a persons situation and feelings, i find it wise to air on the side of caution.
The type of kindness i was trying to offer was guidance and patience. ie, talking to friends, family, professionals. This website.......which Fat Bloke has
(Have more water with it fat bloke. lol.)
As an on going sufferer from depression I'm very aware that decision making
is so hard and takes time. Also, as you said we are responsible for our children. If he was suffering from the worse case scenario (depression) then he would need support to do this. It's all very well saying we are responsible no matter what. But sometimes we need help and getting help is being extremely responsible.
As for therapy not being the 'softly softly approach'. No it isn't. However i personally find that mine is very gentle.
Maybe we should all learn that we are all different and have different needs.
What works for one, is not necessarily what will work for another.
It seems that i have ,'stirred up a debate'. This was not my intention. Sorry if I've caused any offence.
When i don't know the full facts of a persons situation and feelings, i find it wise to air on the side of caution.
The type of kindness i was trying to offer was guidance and patience. ie, talking to friends, family, professionals. This website.......which Fat Bloke has
(Have more water with it fat bloke. lol.)
As an on going sufferer from depression I'm very aware that decision making
is so hard and takes time. Also, as you said we are responsible for our children. If he was suffering from the worse case scenario (depression) then he would need support to do this. It's all very well saying we are responsible no matter what. But sometimes we need help and getting help is being extremely responsible.
As for therapy not being the 'softly softly approach'. No it isn't. However i personally find that mine is very gentle.
Maybe we should all learn that we are all different and have different needs.
What works for one, is not necessarily what will work for another.
It seems that i have ,'stirred up a debate'. This was not my intention. Sorry if I've caused any offence.
Jul 13th 2007, 10:05 pm
#44
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,533
Re: I have to leave this place
Can I just ask you, as you are a psychologist, about something that has been mentioned on this thread? This thing about "belonging", or rather in us "homesickers", a feeling of not "belonging". I have been lead to believe that a sense of belonging will not come from a place, but must come from within ourselves. Is that how you see it?
Jul 14th 2007, 1:25 am
#45
BE Enthusiast
Joined: May 2007
Location: Home at last!!
Posts: 326
Re: I have to leave this place
Hi FB
I know so much how you feel! I remember talking to you b4 on another part of the forum!
Its very hard when one wants to stay & the other dosnt. In my case it was my hubs who wanted to stay.
I realised that i just couldnt do it & eventually made the hardest decision ever in that i had to come back without him as if i stayed i would end up resenting him.
Ive now been home 5 weeks & apart from the fact i still love & miss him, I know ive might the right decision esp as a week after i left he met a new girl who is just 18. It hurts like hell that he has replaced me so quick but has reinforced the fact i made the absolute right decison
Im so glad to be home now & back with family & freinds!!
I just hope that you can eventually come to some sort of agreement with your wife & do what makes you both happy!
Good luck x
I know so much how you feel! I remember talking to you b4 on another part of the forum!
Its very hard when one wants to stay & the other dosnt. In my case it was my hubs who wanted to stay.
I realised that i just couldnt do it & eventually made the hardest decision ever in that i had to come back without him as if i stayed i would end up resenting him.
Ive now been home 5 weeks & apart from the fact i still love & miss him, I know ive might the right decision esp as a week after i left he met a new girl who is just 18. It hurts like hell that he has replaced me so quick but has reinforced the fact i made the absolute right decison
Im so glad to be home now & back with family & freinds!!
I just hope that you can eventually come to some sort of agreement with your wife & do what makes you both happy!
Good luck x
