I dont know what to do now..
Aug 14th 2008, 9:10 am
#16
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 31
Re: I dont know what to do now..
My husband and I have been talking about moving back to the uk for some time now, (hes us, I'm uk) I just got back from a 3 week visit to see my family anf friends and now the homesickness is just unbearable. I cried all the way back on the plane, and when hubby picked me up i just saw all the $ signs everywhere and just started crying all over again. I don't want to live in America. My life is going nowhere, I'm doing a boring job I hate, and although hubby says he would consider a move to the uk sometime, hes such a procrastinator that I know in my heart it wont ever happen. I just miss everything about the uk. The thing is that my salary is what keeps us going here. If I leave hubby will lose everything, house, car. He has a job but not enough to keep everything without my input.
The little things are killing me- being able in the uk to know where to get a haircut, little cafes in the town to get coffee, the shops I like, the food, the sense of belonging I just have when I'm there.
I love my husband and I dont want to leave him, but I cant go on like this. I cant just leave unless I know he'll be alright. Just writing this has me crying again. Can anyone offer me some advice? I feel lost..
The little things are killing me- being able in the uk to know where to get a haircut, little cafes in the town to get coffee, the shops I like, the food, the sense of belonging I just have when I'm there.
I love my husband and I dont want to leave him, but I cant go on like this. I cant just leave unless I know he'll be alright. Just writing this has me crying again. Can anyone offer me some advice? I feel lost..
Aug 14th 2008, 9:43 am
#17
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,285
Re: I dont know what to do now..
Please dont despair I felt the same when me and my partner moved to new zealand . I truly felt that we would separate as he liked new zealand so much better than me. As time as gone he has seen how unhappy I am and has promised to return to uk with me at xmas. I am sure that you and your hubby will fine a way around things. God bless you.
Aug 15th 2008, 10:52 am
#18
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Joined: Jun 2008
Location: Back in the UK after 12 years in Australia
Posts: 579
Re: I dont know what to do now..
I sympathise as I too married a man from overseas and emigrated on a spouse visa, which is different to emigrating for a "better life" IMO.
My OH said for years that he would move to the UK with me "one day" but one day never came - until this year when I told him I was going whether he came or not.
I have done my time and I'm going home, alone if need be.
In some ways I wish I'd said it sooner, but no regrets, I'm still only in my 30s and will be less hard to make a new life in the UK now than if I wait another 10 years in Aus. As time goes on you get tied down, house, pets, cars, jobs, then kids, it gets harder to uproot again not easier.
My OH said for years that he would move to the UK with me "one day" but one day never came - until this year when I told him I was going whether he came or not.
I have done my time and I'm going home, alone if need be.
In some ways I wish I'd said it sooner, but no regrets, I'm still only in my 30s and will be less hard to make a new life in the UK now than if I wait another 10 years in Aus. As time goes on you get tied down, house, pets, cars, jobs, then kids, it gets harder to uproot again not easier.
Aug 15th 2008, 11:20 am
#19
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,787
Re: I dont know what to do now..
your all crazy
Aug 15th 2008, 12:17 pm
#20
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Joined: Jul 2007
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Re: I dont know what to do now..
Love
That's not like you to be so unsupportive..it is kind of an unwritten rule that those on MBTTUK are left alone...you only come here if you wish to be supportive...otherwise stay away...post your balanced positive and negatives on the NZ forum.
I'm a true Expat in that I haven't emigrated and am neither stuck financially nor romantically in NZ (my OH's posting is actually going faster than I'd like!)...in this thread people have left the UK because they have fallen in love with someone from another country.....I left the UK not because I disliked it but because my OH moves around for a multinational company...my home is the UK...I have a house there...so I am not intruding...I understand why they want to go back....I will be going back too.... but I don't know how many other posts in other countries I will have first before that happens....
they are not crazy..they are people who have had to make compromises in their lives for love...grow up please....before posting here again.
That's not like you to be so unsupportive..it is kind of an unwritten rule that those on MBTTUK are left alone...you only come here if you wish to be supportive...otherwise stay away...post your balanced positive and negatives on the NZ forum.
I'm a true Expat in that I haven't emigrated and am neither stuck financially nor romantically in NZ (my OH's posting is actually going faster than I'd like!)...in this thread people have left the UK because they have fallen in love with someone from another country.....I left the UK not because I disliked it but because my OH moves around for a multinational company...my home is the UK...I have a house there...so I am not intruding...I understand why they want to go back....I will be going back too.... but I don't know how many other posts in other countries I will have first before that happens....
they are not crazy..they are people who have had to make compromises in their lives for love...grow up please....before posting here again.
Aug 15th 2008, 12:37 pm
#21
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 18
Re: I dont know what to do now..
We can all see you really are agonising over this. It can't be easy and I sympathise. However, I do know that when people (me included sometimes) are in difficult situations such as this, what often makes it much worse is that they spend long periods of time looking for an easy solution, or one that will not involve a painful decision or considerable upheaval or sacrifice.
Can I try and help by urging you to face the fact that this is not always possible. Certainly not in a situation of this type.
There are limited options available to you and whatever choice will mean pain and sacrifice for one or both partners. This is not necessarily anyone's fault, but you are going to have to accept that whatever choice will have implications. If you are unhappy living in the new country, that's understandable, but equally you must then accept that it's perfectly fair for your partner to prefer it to the UK. You may be miserable now, but if you did manage to persuade him against his true wishes to come back to the UK, then you cannot expect him to miraculously be content simply because it's what you want. He may be as miserable here as you are there. It would be equally unfair and certainly not a recipe for happiness. Incidentally, you mention your partners are procrastinating, but it may well be that they simply do not want to make you unhappy by telling you straight something they know you don't want to hear (such as they don't want to live in the UK). They may be equally unhappy lying to you and are trying to avoid doing so.
Alternatively, if you decide you simply cannot stay in your new country, then you must accept you may have to leave without your partner. In this case, please try to be as adult and as civilised about everything as possible. If this is the choice you feel you must make, then I'm afraid you will just have to accept that it will be difficult, financially costly, and emotionally damaging.
I'm not trying to be brutal, but you have to decide what is more important and take your choice. It will be better in the long run. You cannot go like this - you'll drive yourself, and possibly your partner crazy.
Best Wishes
Can I try and help by urging you to face the fact that this is not always possible. Certainly not in a situation of this type.
There are limited options available to you and whatever choice will mean pain and sacrifice for one or both partners. This is not necessarily anyone's fault, but you are going to have to accept that whatever choice will have implications. If you are unhappy living in the new country, that's understandable, but equally you must then accept that it's perfectly fair for your partner to prefer it to the UK. You may be miserable now, but if you did manage to persuade him against his true wishes to come back to the UK, then you cannot expect him to miraculously be content simply because it's what you want. He may be as miserable here as you are there. It would be equally unfair and certainly not a recipe for happiness. Incidentally, you mention your partners are procrastinating, but it may well be that they simply do not want to make you unhappy by telling you straight something they know you don't want to hear (such as they don't want to live in the UK). They may be equally unhappy lying to you and are trying to avoid doing so.
Alternatively, if you decide you simply cannot stay in your new country, then you must accept you may have to leave without your partner. In this case, please try to be as adult and as civilised about everything as possible. If this is the choice you feel you must make, then I'm afraid you will just have to accept that it will be difficult, financially costly, and emotionally damaging.
I'm not trying to be brutal, but you have to decide what is more important and take your choice. It will be better in the long run. You cannot go like this - you'll drive yourself, and possibly your partner crazy.
Best Wishes
Aug 15th 2008, 12:51 pm
#22
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,285
Re: I dont know what to do now..
We can all see you really are agonising over this. It can't be easy and I sympathise. However, I do know that when people (me included sometimes) are in difficult situations such as this, what often makes it much worse is that they spend long periods of time looking for an easy solution, or one that will not involve a painful decision or considerable upheaval or sacrifice.
Can I try and help by urging you to face the fact that this is not always possible. Certainly not in a situation of this type.
There are limited options available to you and whatever choice will mean pain and sacrifice for one or both partners. This is not necessarily anyone's fault, but you are going to have to accept that whatever choice will have implications. If you are unhappy living in the new country, that's understandable, but equally you must then accept that it's perfectly fair for your partner to prefer it to the UK. You may be miserable now, but if you did manage to persuade him against his true wishes to come back to the UK, then you cannot expect him to miraculously be content simply because it's what you want. He may be as miserable here as you are there. It would be equally unfair and certainly not a recipe for happiness. Incidentally, you mention your partners are procrastinating, but it may well be that they simply do not want to make you unhappy by telling you straight something they know you don't want to hear (such as they don't want to live in the UK). They may be equally unhappy lying to you and are trying to avoid doing so.
Alternatively, if you decide you simply cannot stay in your new country, then you must accept you may have to leave without your partner. In this case, please try to be as adult and as civilised about everything as possible. If this is the choice you feel you must make, then I'm afraid you will just have to accept that it will be difficult, financially costly, and emotionally damaging.
I'm not trying to be brutal, but you have to decide what is more important and take your choice. It will be better in the long run. You cannot go like this - you'll drive yourself, and possibly your partner crazy.
Best Wishes
Can I try and help by urging you to face the fact that this is not always possible. Certainly not in a situation of this type.
There are limited options available to you and whatever choice will mean pain and sacrifice for one or both partners. This is not necessarily anyone's fault, but you are going to have to accept that whatever choice will have implications. If you are unhappy living in the new country, that's understandable, but equally you must then accept that it's perfectly fair for your partner to prefer it to the UK. You may be miserable now, but if you did manage to persuade him against his true wishes to come back to the UK, then you cannot expect him to miraculously be content simply because it's what you want. He may be as miserable here as you are there. It would be equally unfair and certainly not a recipe for happiness. Incidentally, you mention your partners are procrastinating, but it may well be that they simply do not want to make you unhappy by telling you straight something they know you don't want to hear (such as they don't want to live in the UK). They may be equally unhappy lying to you and are trying to avoid doing so.
Alternatively, if you decide you simply cannot stay in your new country, then you must accept you may have to leave without your partner. In this case, please try to be as adult and as civilised about everything as possible. If this is the choice you feel you must make, then I'm afraid you will just have to accept that it will be difficult, financially costly, and emotionally damaging.
I'm not trying to be brutal, but you have to decide what is more important and take your choice. It will be better in the long run. You cannot go like this - you'll drive yourself, and possibly your partner crazy.
Best Wishes
None of this applies to me personally but I just think a more balanced approach is in order. Things are rarely black and white for multiple reasons.
Aug 15th 2008, 1:14 pm
#23
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Joined: Aug 2008
Location: West Palm Beach Florida
Posts: 1
Re: I dont know what to do now..
Another person in the same position! Lived in USA for 26 years and have never really liked it all that much but I am happy with my US husband of 18 years. When I retired 3 years ago I got a very rude awakening when I started to use Medicare HMOs. ( Not enough money to pay for extra insurance). I don't have any medical conditions that require regular treatment but as its quite often a hassle to get something as simple as a chest x-ray I fear for the future if I did become really ill. I want to go back to UK where I do not have to worry about paying for or getting health care. USA seems to be OK if you are wealthy or very poor and qualify for benefits.
My husband has zero interest in living in UK but more and more the past year I have been considering trying to go back. He has asked me not to go but the point is coming when I will have to decide before I get too old to be able to deal with a big move. I have a friend in UK who is asking the local authority if there is any chance of getting some senior housing.
Its a rotten position to be in wanting to go back home; if I do it will have be alone. Staying or going will cause heartache and misery for us. I wish that there was a better solution.
My husband has zero interest in living in UK but more and more the past year I have been considering trying to go back. He has asked me not to go but the point is coming when I will have to decide before I get too old to be able to deal with a big move. I have a friend in UK who is asking the local authority if there is any chance of getting some senior housing.
Its a rotten position to be in wanting to go back home; if I do it will have be alone. Staying or going will cause heartache and misery for us. I wish that there was a better solution.
Aug 15th 2008, 1:21 pm
#24
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
Re: I dont know what to do now..
i really feel for you ! i have been in perth for 7 years and my husband has all his family here.after 2 years i said i wanted to go home as i was really home sick...........it really is a sickness!he said i had not tried hard enough!...........so another 2 years go by.....i asked can we go ?..he says no ....then we went back on holiday ..and had a great time......came back and asked if we can go back ..he said that it was different on holiday! so this year i persuaded him to go back and look for a business and look at houses ..and do the school run in traffic and look into the cost of living ...........and thank god he loved it ..dont know what i would have done if he had not,but i new i could not live in W.A any more.
it is so hard if one .wants to go and one wants to stay .i feel fo ryou asi have been there .do what you need to do to make you happy xxxxxxxx
it is so hard if one .wants to go and one wants to stay .i feel fo ryou asi have been there .do what you need to do to make you happy xxxxxxxx
Aug 15th 2008, 1:21 pm
#25
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 18
Re: I dont know what to do now..
Not sure I entirely agree..marriage should be about 'give and take'..you are not in a position to know whether their partners have gone back on their word or not....if you love someone enough, you should want them to be happy and be willing to compromise to some extent....unfortunately women tend to be more self-sacrificial by nature and so that's why they tend to end up with the rough end of the deal....they also get tied in by having kids who feel at home in the adoptive country...it is virtually impossible for a mother to leave her offspring and remain happy.
None of this applies to me personally but I just think a more balanced approach is in order. Things are rarely black and white for multiple reasons.
None of this applies to me personally but I just think a more balanced approach is in order. Things are rarely black and white for multiple reasons.
Aug 15th 2008, 7:55 pm
#26
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,610
Re: I dont know what to do now..
I wonder how many of those of us who stayed because we loved and still love our OH's would not wish we had been more forceful in asking to go back home when we knew we were not really happy in the country we moved to.
It doesnt really matter which country you went to and how great the country is it just did not work for you. I have known many ex-pats who would not ever want to return home they are very happy. Oh how I wish I could have been one of them.
So to you young people who are contemplating what to do, if you have been an ex-pat for more than a couple of years and are still homesick dont think its going to get any better its not in fact once you have children it just gets worse it gets more complicated and the chance to go home gets much more difficult.
Marriage is a two way street if you have given it your best and its has not worked then your OH should take that in to account and admit its not working for you and take you home.
Most of us who stayed didnt stay because we all of a sudden grew to love the place, we just stopped being ourselves and went into automatic overdrive. Children, jobs, etc. But then when the children are grown up and life becomes less of a rush it all comes back to us we have more time on our hands and that homesickness that was always there comes back to the forefront again. But think of all the years that went by and you let them. So very sad. Although as some have said life was not bad just not the best.
I am lucky I suppose in that my US OH is willing to return to the UK when he retires which will be as soon as our house sells. We are returning to the UK next week for a holiday to look at different places and make some plans as to were we want to settle down. But as you get older the joy is somewhat more subdued. You can never have it as you would want it. If you had children then you have to leave them behind. Family members you left behind in the UK many of them have passed on. So its not going to be easy.
West Riding... Go for it, like you say the US is wonderful for the very rich and the lower level workers. Middle class forget it. You get medicare and thats it. My husband just filled a prescription that cost $150 with his work insurance paying all but $18 thats great but without it we could not afford that prescription. Buying your own insurance cost a small fortune.
Islandergirl.... You gave it your best sorry to be ruthless but time to move on and move home. You are still very young and have a whole life ahead of you. No regrets....
It doesnt really matter which country you went to and how great the country is it just did not work for you. I have known many ex-pats who would not ever want to return home they are very happy. Oh how I wish I could have been one of them.
So to you young people who are contemplating what to do, if you have been an ex-pat for more than a couple of years and are still homesick dont think its going to get any better its not in fact once you have children it just gets worse it gets more complicated and the chance to go home gets much more difficult.
Marriage is a two way street if you have given it your best and its has not worked then your OH should take that in to account and admit its not working for you and take you home.
Most of us who stayed didnt stay because we all of a sudden grew to love the place, we just stopped being ourselves and went into automatic overdrive. Children, jobs, etc. But then when the children are grown up and life becomes less of a rush it all comes back to us we have more time on our hands and that homesickness that was always there comes back to the forefront again. But think of all the years that went by and you let them. So very sad. Although as some have said life was not bad just not the best.
I am lucky I suppose in that my US OH is willing to return to the UK when he retires which will be as soon as our house sells. We are returning to the UK next week for a holiday to look at different places and make some plans as to were we want to settle down. But as you get older the joy is somewhat more subdued. You can never have it as you would want it. If you had children then you have to leave them behind. Family members you left behind in the UK many of them have passed on. So its not going to be easy.
West Riding... Go for it, like you say the US is wonderful for the very rich and the lower level workers. Middle class forget it. You get medicare and thats it. My husband just filled a prescription that cost $150 with his work insurance paying all but $18 thats great but without it we could not afford that prescription. Buying your own insurance cost a small fortune.
Islandergirl.... You gave it your best sorry to be ruthless but time to move on and move home. You are still very young and have a whole life ahead of you. No regrets....
Aug 15th 2008, 9:10 pm
#28
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2004
Location: my house
Posts: 275
Re: I dont know what to do now..
wow, amazing to se all the people in the same boat as me...things are pretty crap here now, hubby hasnt spoken to me, updates his online stuff with things like "unwanted" "depressed". I'm so angry with him at the moment...everything is coming to a head. I literally gave up everything to be with him, family, friends, job, home, he gave up absolutely nothing and he is still not giving anything in return. When I tell him i need support he just tells me "Theres nothing i can do for you thats going to make you feel better, what do you want me to say?" Then he acts like a wounded puppy and makes me feel guilty.
I am at the point now where its - I'm going and I dont care if you come with me. ugh.
I am at the point now where its - I'm going and I dont care if you come with me. ugh.
Aug 15th 2008, 9:46 pm
#29
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 456
Re: I dont know what to do now..
wow, amazing to se all the people in the same boat as me...things are pretty crap here now, hubby hasnt spoken to me, updates his online stuff with things like "unwanted" "depressed". I'm so angry with him at the moment...everything is coming to a head. I literally gave up everything to be with him, family, friends, job, home, he gave up absolutely nothing and he is still not giving anything in return. When I tell him i need support he just tells me "Theres nothing i can do for you thats going to make you feel better, what do you want me to say?" Then he acts like a wounded puppy and makes me feel guilty.
I am at the point now where its - I'm going and I dont care if you come with me. ugh.
I am at the point now where its - I'm going and I dont care if you come with me. ugh.
Give him some time and ask him just to think about it a little. Maybe even suggest a longer holiday in the UK to see what things are like. Moving to a different country is difficult and something that a lot of people say that they would do but don't. It's a scarey thing to do.
Try to show him that it's a difficult situation that you're both in and that somehow you need to work through it.
Aug 15th 2008, 9:53 pm
#30
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Joined: May 2004
Location: my house
Posts: 275
Re: I dont know what to do now..
I don't think that I have ever said "Theres nothing i can do for you thats going to make you feel better, what do you want me to say?", but I have to admit I have thought it.
Give him some time and ask him just to think about it a little. Maybe even suggest a longer holiday in the UK to see what things are like. Moving to a different country is difficult and something that a lot of people say that they would do but don't. It's a scarey thing to do.
Try to show him that it's a difficult situation that you're both in and that somehow you need to work through it.
Give him some time and ask him just to think about it a little. Maybe even suggest a longer holiday in the UK to see what things are like. Moving to a different country is difficult and something that a lot of people say that they would do but don't. It's a scarey thing to do.
Try to show him that it's a difficult situation that you're both in and that somehow you need to work through it.
its so hard when he doesnt want to talk about it though...only leaves me with a couple of options, neither of which he likes too much!
oh, ive suggested holidays. He tells me its not practical. There was a time we got a large settlement and I suggested we use it for a trip there, but to no avail....