eggysbrain

My husband and I have been talking about moving back to the uk for some time now, (hes us, I'm uk) I just got back from a 3 week visit to see my family anf friends and now the homesickness is just unbearable. I cried all the way back on the plane, and when hubby picked me up i just saw all the $ signs everywhere and just started crying all over again. I don't want to live in America. My life is going nowhere, I'm doing a boring job I hate, and although hubby says he would consider a move to the uk sometime, hes such a procrastinator that I know in my heart it wont ever happen. I just miss everything about the uk. The thing is that my salary is what keeps us going here. If I leave hubby will lose everything, house, car. He has a job but not enough to keep everything without my input.
The little things are killing me- being able in the uk to know where to get a haircut, little cafes in the town to get coffee, the shops I like, the food, the sense of belonging I just have when I'm there.
I love my husband and I dont want to leave him, but I cant go on like this. I cant just leave unless I know he'll be alright. Just writing this has me crying again. Can anyone offer me some advice? I feel lost..

HighSpeedGrandma

Oh my God. I just read your post and it strikes a chord. I myself am in a similar situation. I am a Brit, hubby is US. I want to go back, he is a procrastinator (among other things) and although he SAY'S he will move back there, so far he seems to have done plenty to show me otherwise.
I have been procrastinating between leaving him and just going home anyway, but it's not that easy to do when you marry for better or worse and you love your hubby.

I received some really direct responses to my post, and it has helped. My own personal opinion, and I am good at giving advice, but not so good at following it is, at the end of the day, you have to do what's right for YOU, otherwise resentment will build up and you don't want to spend the rest of you life unhappy and homesick.

I know you will get more replies. I just wanna let you know you are not alone, there are loads out here that feel like you do..

eggysbrain

I started crying again when I read your reply, thank you for letting me know I am not alone! I just dont know what to do. I feel like I'm trapped. My husband loves me and has never been anything but wonderful to me, but when I cry and talk about moving back he just says "well, its just not possible at the moment. Maybe in a few years..." but hes been saying that for the last 5 years and it never changes. He picked me up from the airport yesterday and was so happy to see me and all i could do was cry and say "I didnt want to come back" I just want to see my family, and I cant do that without paying $1000 and flying for 8 hours, much less getting time off work. I wish I could just go up to my mums for a cup of tea!
I know what you mean about making yourself happy, but I am not good at following my own advice either! I just cant leave him here alone for no other reason than homesickness.
Thanks for replying, I feel a bit better

trottytrue

Howabout thinking about you. Ask yourself is your husband being fair to you. You say this has been going on for 5 years.
I wonder what he would do if you said you were going home and if he knew you really meant it. I think it time you put his love for you to the test. You know how much you love you have suffered for the last 5 years now find out how much he loves you.
Tell him that you have decided you cannot take anymore of it and you are making plans to move back home and just to wake him up get some information on moving furniture etc... as long as he thinks you are just all words he wont be bothered but if you show you are determined to go home he will have to make a move. Are you sure you want to find out?
Better to do it now than have a lifetime of regrets
Remember its easy to say you love someone but actions speak louder than words.
You cannot keep thinking about whats best for him and how much he would suffer if you left think about yourself and what you are going through and that he knows this and is content to let you go through it as long as it does not disturb his life. Please dont just let this go on or it will be too late. Life goes past quicker than you think. Sorry to be so blunt.
So many of us have been in the same position as you. Some of us chose to stay and others left and went home and have done well.

Cheer up things will get better.

whereamifrom

Hi. Well, the marriage is for better or for worse.
I would suggest talking to him and set a theoretical but realistic date on returning. Give hubby the procrastinator's way out: let him think it is his idea.

Homesickness, as you put it, is not a valid reason to leave him.

Put your place in his shoes, and maybe he is as comfortable in the US as you are in the UK.

Good luck.

HighSpeedGrandma

Hi there. Me again,
I am at work so this may appear rushed but I felt I needed to write more.
When I said we are in a similar situation I meant exactly that. I am very homesick, both my daughters live in the UK, they have no interest in living here so we visit each other.
But every single time I have to leave and my husband is picking me up at the airport I am very unhappy. He is always pleased to see me and full of the joys of spring, whereas I feel like I have had my life taken away by leaving. I want to cry when I get up in the air, on the plane back here, and I hate going back to work, and I hate going back to my house, even though I love the house itself.
I just don't feel like any of the life I live here is 'real'. For want of a better word. I feel like I am getting by day to day, but it's not really 'me'. I never used to feel like it, for the first few years I LOVED it here. But as time has gone on I get more and more homesick and it's harder for me to return here after a visit. Trust me there are many times I have been thisclose to staying in England. No clothes, no money other than what I went back with, but I just wanted to stay.
The only thing that made me get on the plane was the fact I was married and also had a house full of animals that I felt responsible to.

I still am not sure my husband will ever go back. But one thing I do know and I have told him is, I AM GOING BACK. I am working on getting some bills paid down, building equity back up in our house, letting my savings grow, applying for my citizenship and finding homes for the animals, and with or without him I am going. I told him 7 years ago I was going to go back and he always said "Yeah, I will come back. We will go back in five years, a five year plan to get everything sorted'. Then he went and ran up a huge amount of debt that we didn't need to do. Which of course keeps me here longer trying to pay it off and get some money into the house, otherwise we, or I, go back with absoutely nothing, no job, nowhere to live, and no vehicle. All just 'stuff' I know, but it is still a scary move.
Anyway...I DO feel like you. I know marriage is for better or worse, but as long as your husband doesn't really believe how serious you are, I think he will keep procrastining, just like mine.
I have started what I need to start to go back. The rest is up to him. And I mean it. I have been divorced before and I would do it again if it meant a choice between being where I want to be, or stuck somewhere I am unhappy.

jackie dwyer

Wow. Are we the same person?! I know exactly how you feel, and believe me, I dread hearing, "Welcome to JFK. The temperature right now is...", as much as I love "Welcome to London Heathrow. It's 58 degrees and raining..."

Don't leave your husband. He sounds like a really good bloke. I'm from England, married to a Yank, and I flip-flop about returning every half and hour or so. It makes me feel almost schizophrenic. It's always worse when you've just come back. It takes me several weeks to stop crying and from then onwards I'm always on the verge of tears. The feeling being trapped here forever is unbearable, I know. I'm finding that it impinges on everything I do, however much I try to block it out and get on with life. Just yesterday I took them on a picnic and couldn't truly enjoy it as I was missing my parents being there, seeing them play. Silly really, but it's the little things. I'm fairly new to the forum and not sure how to do things, maybe you can do the private message me and we can chat more?

eggysbrain

thanks guys, it does make me feel better to know I'm not alone.
I love my husband very much. I feel like it was my choice to move here, so now I cant just leave him because I miss the UK. I also hate hearing "Welcome to Philadelphia!" I could hardly do the plane ride yesterday- it felt like I was flying away from everyone I care about. I already told my husband if it wasnt for him I wouldnt have come back. I know I have to be happy first and foremost but I cant be happy without him.
Spent some time talking to my best mate in the UK via webcam this morning and cried to her...she suggests maybe its because I know I have to go back to the real world and am now not on holiday anymore, and hopefully it will pass. I can afford to go back and visit and my mum often pays for a flight. Its just not the same. I would love to PM with anyone who wants to talk about it. I appreciate the kind words you guys have given me I really dont know what I would do without this board to get support when I feel low!

jackie dwyer

This homesickness feeling passes/lessens for some and not for others. After 17 years here, I'm firmly in the "not for others" category. I don't know about anybody else, but I feel like I'm in a constant state of mourning. Some days are ok, but some are almost unbearable. My husband is very tolerant, but he isn't offering to pack up and leave any time soon. One of the troubles is that we're far better off here financially and my husband tries to convince me that the opportunities for our kids are better here once they're out on their own. My counterargument is always that we can live ok in the UK, too, and that nothing can replace that comfortable feeling you when you know you're finally, really, truly home, however hard it's raining or whether you're parked on the street outside your tiny semi. I know the UK isn't ideal for us in many, many ways, but I still yearn for it. It's separating what's good for the whole family and what's good for me. I feel very selfish, as I know the U.S. might be better longterm for my kids, but who knows. AGH!!!!

Dave_Was

Firstly, try and take a deep breath.

I think that it has to be real serious talk time with your husband.

Maybe that you can explain that in the situation your are in with him being a US citizen and you being a British Citizen you'll be in the enviable position of trying things out and you'll not be losing out anything immigration wise. So if after having tried it out in the UK if both of you decide that it's better in the US, you can come back without any too complicated process.

Sometimes us guys can be a little thick in terms of feelings and really understanding them and how really deep they are.

Is it possible to have a sit down and really explain how you feel and understand how he feels. Maybe even start off as could we talk about where we want to live and when would be the best time for the discussion? Somehow make him feel that he is really involved in the decision making process on this.

I also suffer from extreme homesickness when I first come back to the US. For me it's a little better in the sense that I do fairly well on a day to day basis but can't resolve the position that my parents and family are in the UK and my wife and I are alone in the US. We also want it so that when we have children that they'll have a close relationship with my parents and extended family.

My wife likes the day to day living in the US more that I do and she has never lived in the UK, but we have decided that when we think it's time to go we will. She will be upset but we have decided on some things that we would like to do in the US before we go. Also we have a rough timescale too.

Finally from your 4/4/05 AOS approval, you should be able to apply for citizenship. So maybe this would make your husband feel more comfortable that there would be no issues immigration wise coming back to the US, if you decided the UK isn't for you.

Good luck and try not to keep things bottled up.

quoll

Add me to the list - 29 years and counting!

I survive (and I use the term loosely) because I have made the decision that love is more than the country I have to live in. I have been married to the DH for 35 years now and cannot bear the thought of having to break in a new one. He is an Aussie and he wont leave. We compromise to a degree - he wants to be living out in the bush but for me a flush loo is a non negotiable!!!! So we live in a city and I come home every year. I cry buckets on the train ride to London and then again when the bloody plane takes off and I too hate hearing the "welcome to Australia" crap that they go on with. I cry when I land in Canberra then I put on my big girl knickers and get on with it until the next time I can go home and be myself. In the interim I try and make the most of what I have got.

For us this has been a long time development but if it is something that is bringing things to a head in your marriage and you really cant hack it, then I would suggest marriage counselling if only to clear the air and make sure that you both know exactly what the stakes are for holding your particular point of view.

Some days I wish I had the guts to say "I'm off" but I know he wouldnt follow (he's a bit slow on the uptake sometimes).

I do hope you can work things out! {{{hugs}}}

eggysbrain

Thank you everyone, I really mean it. I think I'm going to have "the talk" with him this weekend when hes not distracted and tired having just got home from work!
I'm going to suggest that we do some saving and planning, and in a couple of years move to the UK for a little while, rent a flat and just see how he likes it. As some of you guys have said, we really havent got a lot to lose as we can go back if worst comes to the worst..
I honestly think he would like it there, you know? But then maybe not. Hes a bit stuck in his ways so I need to sit him down and have a serious conversation. I agree with him that a big move has to be properly planned out. We cant just up and go, we need to save and think about it. I think I'm just really feeling the aftereffect of being home for almost a month and then having to come back. Feeling a little more positive now, so thanks again

Dave_Was

That's the spirit. Really try to understand his point of view and show him that you are working together in this and it's both of you in this.

Try to have everything done and him not distracted or in a mood when you bring this up.

Try to have your point of view thought out and how you want to talk it through clear in your mind, but don't let it sound too scripted.

Also, as I said I'm a wreck after I've been home or someone has come out to visit me. Give it a little and you'll be clearer on what you want to do and how best to go about it.

Keep us updated and a cyber hug to you!

eggysbrain

thanks! I will let you know how it works out...keep fingers crossed for me

Dave_Was

fingers and toes!