happy4

Oh sarah, I really feel for you, although not on the same scale, I felt my 'carrot' was going to Sydney, after 6 months, see how I felt, I bloody know how I'm feeling now!! I knew after 6 months in sydney, it would have been something else, I was feeling very trapped, but where children are involved, it's a whole new ball game, I'm sure you feel you are treading on egg shells all the time, but absolutely desperate inside, trying to keep the peace so you can broach the subject of 'going home' at a good time, THERE IS NEVER A GOOD TIME!!!!

I do feel slightly for my OH as he loves his job here BUT from reading posts on here, I feel like I count too. Quoll had a good idea, meeting with a mediator, to talk things through, I felt literally scared to broach the subject, at least then it may not escalate into an argument, especially difficult when putting on a brave front for the little ones. ann x

happy4

We'll keep in touch definitely, let you know how we're getting on, ann x

horrigans

Honestly, each time I read one of your messages another bit of my sanity comes back out of the toilet! I've been feeling so absolutely dragged down by all of this. It gets to the stage where you think 'I can't live here any more, but I can't live without my children (because he wouldn't let me take them)' and I've felt so utterly suffocated.

Quoll - thanks for your suggestion, it may well come to mediation. Hubs has been applying for jobs all over - from Brisbane to Canberra, Sydney and Hobart... but nothing. He's still convinced that this is much better than the UK. He likes the weather better... but that's another thing I don't get on with. The humidity knocks me out. I wish we could find a way of resolving this so we're both happy... but we can't seem to agree on anything any more. I don't want us to be like that and it's another thing I get to resent the emigration for - that's it's brought us to this point in our relationship.

Did anyone find there was a turning point for their partner if there was disagreement about leaving? What made a difference? Hubs just thinks my unhappiness is emotional blackmail and seems to want something 'more' from me to make him take it seriously. Some way of proving the UK wouldn't be worse for us than this or that it would be better. He doesn't accept that house prices are dropping / salaries are higher. How can I prove anything to him at all about this? Or is that not addressing the real problem?

Sarah
PS Sorry for going on and on - my head's all over the place about this and I really do appreciate hearing that other people have survived similar. Sometimes I feel that by 'destroying' his Australian dream (he's blamed me for putting him under pressure to find a job and said that's one of the reasons why he can't get a job etc... but... aaaaaaaargh!!!) I've broken something in our relationship for good. I don't want him to be unhappy either.

happy4

Hi Sarah, everything you have said is exactley the position I was in, I was accused of 'ruining' OH's dreams etc, he loves the weather here ect..better life for our children, I could laugh if it wasn't so pathetic. What dreams? I have children who don't really see anyone, apart from playgroups etc, my son asks to go home everyday, it's too hot to go out, 12 hour days of desperation and isolation, no family support, I'm going crazy, OH is in a mood most of the time, hated his job (it's all we talked about), erm...what dream?

Thing I hated most was the emotional blackmail, 'if we go, we split up, you're responsible for my feelings..' w all deserve to be happy, not be made to make a choice between my happiness and my OH's, it's bloody awful, I didn't come here to make choices about my marriage! Put two young children into all of this and who in their right mind would want to say here?????

Sarah, I wish you all the best, but I've been here twice now, 18 months and I'm heading home, safe in the knowledge it's not for me, of course I care for my OH, but did he for me when making threats? ann x

happy4

P.s, if I don't reply for a few days, I've got to go up to Sydney for a few weeks before heading home, notice on our rented house has been given, but will chk in a few days, chin up and stay strong, ann x

horrigans

YES!!! Yes! That's us! You've written down everything that's in my head right now. I say to him 'I just don't understand what we're doing here anymore', but he just says the same as your OH... better life for the kids... blah, blah, blah. Well, they don't see anyone either apart from playgroup and my daughter's said loads of times 'I miss England, I want to see my friends, I want to go back to England' etc etc.

Thank you so much, Ann. I know lots and lots of people love it in Australia... but when you know it's not for you, you just know. My career was starting to go somewhere in the UK (as was hubs' career though he won't admit it now!). Our friends were supportive of us. Our children had cousins to play with. Here, we have his parents who aren't interested. They didn't even give my little boy a card on his birthday or wish him happy birthday despite the fact that it was just us here on our own since hubs had gone to Tasmania for an interview. It really sucks and if I could get on a plane today, I would. Hubs can't accept that I've changed my mind. He's saying that I never wanted to come here and that everything he believed about our situation was untrue. But I put a lot of effort into coming here too - giving up our home, our friends, my family, my job (although fortunately I just took a leave of absence for a year) - and I'm allowed to change the way I feel based on my experience, aren't I?

It's helped so much to get this out of my head and not feel that it's just me going stark staring crazy.

Thank you all again. I want to go home so badly... I just want to know how to get us to be able to live with that decision. I'm sure deep down hubs knows this isn't working for us.

Sarah

crystal23

Sarah

I'm not being harsh here but the more you write about your situation here the more it is looking like you should be returning home asap with or without your husband.

I know it's not what you want - none of us would want that- but you at least have taken a leave of absence from your job and have that to go back to.

Have you actually asked your husband why he thinks it is a better life here for the children?.

Did you tell him your son didn't get a birthday card from his grandparents? Did you ask your in-laws why they couldn't be bothered to wish your son happy birthday?

You say that your husband's career was on the up in the UK and tbh I still cannot get my head around the fact he has been unemployed for 5 months despite applying for jobs all over the country yet still thinks it is better here.

Can't you just sit down - just the 2 of you - and discuss this? Why not write down all the questions you want to ask him so you are prepared. You say you constantly row so if he starts to shout just walk away and say 'I'll be back to resume the discussion when you've calmed down'. The atmosphere you seem to be living in is no good for children.

You sound depressed and I have been in that situation myself. It will do you no good in the long run to be living the way you do.

I realise it's very easy for strangers to be saying what you should do but hopefully the posts will give you different options and make you strong enough to make a decision or confront your problems.

I wish you all the luck in the world. It really is a bad situation to be in.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mumof5

Hi Sarah,
Well thank god you took a leave of absence so your job will still be waiting for you, all is not lost.
I really feel for you it must be really difficult for you especially with your inlaws being less than caring.
I think it takes alot to admit that Australia is not for you, with all the hype, we are lead to believe that it's the best place in the world. Before I found this forum I thought there must be something wrong with me, like I was insane not too like it here.
I think you have to go with your gut feeling and like others have suggested give you OH a timescale maybe if he hasn't got a job in 1 month review the situation.
Anyway best of luck.
Take Care.
Julie

horrigans

Thanks, Julie. I have to admit the prospect of him getting a job here and us having to settle makes me feel increasingly panicked. We agreed a couple of months ago to give it to the end of March and then make a decision on whether to stay (but move to Tasmania where we might stand a chance of affording a house) or go back to the UK. But, he's blaming me for the situation we're in. According to yesterday's row, if I'd given him five days a week to do his sculpture and apply for jobs with no interruptions (hard not to interrupt when you're living in two room shoebox with two small children at home full-time) then he'd have established himself here by now. We 'fail' here - and it's my fault. He doesn't get a job here - and it's my fault. We can't afford a house here - and it's my fault because I'm not working. But he won't let me give up my Masters to get a job because that would be a waste too. When I try to think about a future here, I just see a big black hole in front of me. I don't want this life. I want my real life back.

I think he wants me to be an obedient Stepford wife and nod along sweetly while he lives his 'dream'.


Why is this so bloody difficult?

Sarah

horrigans

That's how I start to feel too.

Yes - but his answer doesn't make sense. He says we could have 'more space' here - but how can you have more space when you can't even get a foot on the property ladder? And of course they'll be able to spend time with their grandparents here... while the other set of grandparents and all the rest of the UK-based family don't get to see them.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

He didn't really have an answer for that. He just said 'they're not really into birthdays'... but he's never said anything to them about it. The only indication I got out of them that it was his birthday was on the day itself when I took them over some cupcakes I'd made. My f-i-l said 'been baking again?'. I said 'they're for F... for his birthday'. F-i-l says 'oh, happy birthday'... and that was it. Nothing else at all mentioned. Truly bizarre.

Apparently that's my fault. He says I've been putting him under too much pressure to get a job so we can move out of the shoebox and he can't function under the pressure. We've also not 'let' him have 5 days a week to get on with his art and if we had then he would have established himself and made contacts here by now. So he says. And he's not been unemployed for 5 months - he's been unemployed for 7. He gave up his job in the UK back in August and we've been living off what was left of my part-time job salary (I worked from home and kept that up until January).

It's not great. And I've tried to talk to him - tried again last night. But he went off on one about being so angry with me for bringing us to this point. All I asked him was 'how do you see things working out for us here?' and that was it. Light the blue touch paper...

Thank you so much for your advice. I don't know what's happened to us. I don't know how to resolve things. The longer we stay, the less likely I think it is that we will go home.

I hate that coming here has done this to us. I just want to go home.

Sarah

mumof5

Hi Sarah,
I know what you mean when you say that you don't want this life and want your old one back, I feel exactly the same.
We too can't afford to buy here so the way I see it, we have to go home as I can't stand renting 1970's housing at the same cost as our mortgage back home. Unfortunately or fortunately whichever way you look at it my OH has a good well paid job which he is reluctant to leave, but he will, as he knows that I can't live here.
I really feel for you, your situation must be so hard and your OH is playing the blame game and being unreasonable. I really hope things improve for you and that your OH will see the way you feel.
Take Care.
Julie

quoll

Oh guys you are all doing it so tough, I really feel for you!

Sarah, how about you offer to take yourself off with the kids for 3 (or 4, 5, ....) months so he can sort himself out, get his sculpting done and get a job then you will come back when he is established. That way you both win, he gets his space and you can get to go home. I am willing to bet that your parents would be there with their credit cards at the ready to get you and your kids home.

I went home once without DH so he could write up his thesis in peace and quiet (it never got written but that is beside the point) so you could do it in all naivete and innocence!

Take care of yourselves all you strong women out there!

PS dont sweat the birthday thing - my inlaws have never acknowledged my kids' birthdays. MIL barely acknowledged DH's (which was on 1 Jan so it wasnt like it was a run of the mill day or anything) but she expects people to bend over backwards for hers. I was gobsmacked that they never even sent the kids a birthday card when they were little but that's the way they do things in their family apparently!

mumof5

That's a brilliant idea Quoll, Sarah you can go back whilst he sorts out his new life here, if it all works out you can come back over, if not maybe he will go back to the UK.
Well once again good luck.
Julie

nicola411

HI Sarah

I felt exactly like you did and some days still do. We are now in the process of moving home but we have been here since aug o6. After 9 months of being here I was so depressed I had to go back to the UK for a hol, it was either that or anti depressants. At this stage I didnt even think I had a marriage and everything I did was wrong. My hubby blamed me as I was the one who came up with the idea of moving here in the first place.I took my youngest with me and my older son stayed with dad as it wasnt school hols.

We had a fab time back in UK the best ever and I really didnt want to come back and I cried so much all the way home, people at the airport kept coming up to me and asking me if I was ok. I was gutted about leaving and even more gutted when my husband didnt even call before we left the UK to say have a nice flight back or safe journey.

Then when we landed in Brisbane he didnt even turn up for another 30mins as he was stuck in traffic.

Well at this stage I was fuming but one thing I did learn from my trip back home as I didnt want to be in UK without hubby. Needless to say I did feel better after my hols. This didnt last.

I had a huge breakdown about 2 weeks after I got back, I was so upset and unconsolable that hubby had to come home from work to calm me down. He finally listened when I told him this place is killing me slowly and if he wants to continue here then so be it but me and the kids are going home.

He agreed we could go home once we have applied for PR which is in june. Anyway everything got better as now I had my guarentee we were going home. I now genuinely try to enjoy myself(by myself and 2 kids, hubby always at work). He still wouldnt talk about it though and then finally about 3 months ago I said right we are going to have to start getting everything organised.

He then turned round to me and said oh I am not ready to talk about it. I then said you w***nker you have kept me hanging on now for a year thinking we are going home and I cant even discuss it with you. Grow up and make your descision. I didnt speak to him for a while after that and about 2 days later he phoned me and said I know what I am going to do when we get back to UK.

Now everythings great we talk about the UK happily, he even told his mum on the phone last night we are coming home. Now we just have to sell up.

So what I am saying Sarah is our marriage has hit rock bottom since coming here and it nearly tore us apart but to be honest we get along great now and I couldnt be happier, I could but then I would have to be back home and I am not yet.

So my advice is to get the kids, go home move in with your mum get your old job back and give hubby the space he feels he needs. It doesnt have to be a permanent split just taking a bit of time out from each other. By the time you are settled and sorted back home he will realise what hes missing and probably follow after you. Or he will finally get himself sorted job wise here and maybe you will come back out. I defo think absense makes the heart grow fonder.

PS I am on the GC PM me if you want to meet for a coffee and a proper chat if you like.
good luck nicolax

sustain

O God that sounds familiar, I am in th uk now and my ex is in oz, i was in a same sex relationship and was living and loving london, my ex was ozzie.
I stayed for 2 years in Brisbane, and quite frankly dont miss anything. Get your citizenship and then make up your mind.