Beedubya

For any who have followed the thread entitled 50's and 60's moving back to the UK you know that I have this last week decided to move back to Australia.

I don't WANT to move back there, but as that is where my kids and grand-kids are, then I have finally come to this decision.

However, at the moment my attitude to Australia is not great to say the least!

How can I change my attitude to going back to where I don't really want to live and accept that I just can't live here in England and that's that!!?

I need to do this by April 3rd when I arrive back there as I don't want my kids to feel guilty and think I am going to be miserable, nor do I wish to be a whingeing Pom

Tr1boy

It'll could in tears IMO

I had to move back to Oz in 06 so my wife could finish her degree and I tried many things to suppress or divert the fact that I was living somewhere I didn't want to be but in the end all to no avail.

I think material possessions can divert you for a while, new car, boat or whatever, but it's always there. However I would imagine being with your family would go a long way to overcoming that. But it's still Oz at the end of the day.

I've given a lot of thought to what I would say if Mrs T absolutely ends up hating it here and wants to go back. If it were a case of 'Oz or divorce' I'd go but would have a list of conditions as longs as your arm. But I hope it would never come to that.

But I do love her

livinginreality

Hi,I know its a very difficult decision as its one I might have to make further down the line myself!I guess as I say to everyone else,people are more important than places,and I know your kids grow up and have their own lives,but that does'nt mean you're going to be happy living 10,000 miles away from them.I am happy in the UK at present but should my daughters (I already have a son in Australia)decide to relocate back to Oz then I guess I would be doing the same,You only live once,it would be horrible to spend the rest of your life potentially being lonely.Don't think of Australia as such,think of the time you will spend with your kids.They are more important.Good luck and pm me if you want.xxxxxx

cathy22w

Cognitive behaviour therapy. Focus on positive thoughts about the move, and your reasons for moving. Just because you don't feel you have control over your situation, doesn't mean you can't take control of your thoughts surrounding it. Once your thoughts become more positive, so, hopefully, will your feelings towards it.

jayde

I am trying to think how I would feel if I was forced to stay in the USA and had to put a brave face on it. 1st living in the nicest available place, where did you live before is that where you will be happiest or is there somewhere else you would like to be? 2nd Making plans for trips, either back to the Uk or to somewhere you want to see in Australia or New Zealand, is that a possibility? 3rd Making new friends or renewing old friendships, do you have any plans to work, study or volunteer where you can meet new people.

I think one of the best things about where you live is the friendships you make, and I miss my friends a lot. Family too of course but we dont choose our family.

Is there someone you can really talk to, warts and all, you can pm me too!

Sometimes it helps just to let it all out, and I can listen without being judgemental, and would be privileged to offer a shoulder.

stm1971

Beedubya, I have been following the 50’s and 60’s threadand was shocked to read of your decision. You have obviously enjoyed your year in England and the time has come now to make a decision. Whether to stay or go.

As much as you love the UK, would you be able to enjoy living there forever without your children and grandchildren?

You have already answered that question by deciding to go back. For you your family is more important than a country and that is an admirable thing. Not an easy decision but maybe the right one for you and your family.

As to how you can live in Australia when your heart is somewhere else, well that will not be an easy thing. Hopefully though, with your family around you, it will be a compromise you can live with. And there is always BE for the times when you need to vent. Best wishes. x

Bevm

Beedubya, that's a tough decision, but I really admire the way you're looking at it. We can affect our attitudes and emotional reactions to things.

Perhaps it might help if you write down what you'll miss and see whether you can get closer to these in OZ. Also, perhaps, to write down why you think you'll miss something. Often that points to a way to adjust that.

I find myself doing this sometimes about moving back to Canada. I don't want to, but if family, a horrendous tax situation here, or some other major problem made it a good choice, I'd want to stack the cards toward being happy there. I've learned a lot in the past year or so about what's important to my happiness and what I can take or leave.

I fully sympathize with your situation. I don't like being far from our sons, though it's not much further than when we were in Victoria. Even though they're grown up and we probably won't ever live in the same area, I can't imagine being half a world away.

Bev

Beedubya

Thank you all SO MUCH for your replies. I am trying so hard to be positive and to use CBT to turn around my thoughts, but to be perfectly honest it's not working too well at the moment.

Well I did the list thing Bev, on the left we have Australia and on the right the UK.

OZ

Grand-kids
My kids
Better weather
Fresher seafood and better quality cheaper meat

UK

A list as long as your arm.

I had such plans for buying a National Trust ticket this year and visiting stately homes and other national treasures and doing long weekends to Devon, Cornwall, Dorset, the Cotswolds and the like.

How can you compare a building maybe 200 years old in Oz and seen as as some kind of architectural wonder with something like a chapel around the corner from me built in the 1700's or a building with the date on it of 1657 or a railway station I was in the other week, maybe Birmingham, Bristol or Stafford, I can't remember where, but there was a big plaque saying it was built by Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

How can you compare endless bloody boring, boring roads of gumtrees and nothingness in Oz with the gentleness of English country lanes and green fields with little villages or church spires in the folds of the distant hills.

How can you compare the squawking and screeching of exotic birds like cockatoos and parrots with the sweet morning sound of whatever English birds are cheeping out there at 6am.

How can you compare, yeah sure a great beach with clean sand and endless ocean but with little else around it except maybe a car park, to a tacky seaside place like Blackpool or Talacre with a grotty beach and a grey ocean but sooo much atmosphere with the tacky shops and seaside rock and silly Kiss Me Quick hats and loud Amusement arcades and people laughing and eating candy floss and ice-creams..yeah it's all sooo wrong ?? Right???

And four proper seasons of spring, summer, autumn and winter and being dressed and heated appropriately not stinkin' heat when you have no air conditioning or bitter cold when you have no central heating, to be honest I have been more comfortable with the climate since I came back to the UK and as for the coldest winter in 31 years well yes probably you would feel it if you had to work outdoors, but if you are inside snuggly and warm you don't even notice for the most part.

How can you compare the knowingess of being in your very own country and feeling 100% complete and comfortable in your own skin against being in a country where you feel you are somehow supposed to apologise for not being a true blue dinki di Aussie?

I will never ever fit in, I am English not Australian.

I am not being negative just realistic.

Australia is where I have to be, it doesn't mean I have to like it but I know I have to try harder to this time around.

I just have to learn to accept it, what's done is done, unfortunately none of us are capable of turning back the clock................man I wish I could go back to 1981 then I would have tried to talk my (then) husband into moving to another part of the UK not Australia........

suninspired

Beedubya, I also read, with surprise, your decision to return to Oz. And I so enjoyed reading and relating to the contents of your right-hand column...reasons to stay in the UK.

You absolutely love the UK and I can relate so completely with your comments about Australia as we lived there too.

My one massive worry for you is about your kids and grand-kids. You're giving up a lot to be with them. And kids and grand-kids do sometimes simply do their own thing.

dytopia

If you do not want to go, do not go. Pretty simple. It's your life, not the kids, grandparents, parents, husband,friends, family, etc. It's you who you have to look in the mirror every day when you wake up, and life is short. I wouldn't do it.

ble

Hi Beebudya

I read your decision in the '50s and 60's thread - haven't added as I not there yet and my kids are young.

i have since read your list of pros and cons, and I must admit that your lists for the UK have made my yearning stronger - if that could be the case - and chased the doubts for today that we are doing the right thing in gonig back later in the year to the UK, away for awhile.

Is there any way that you can book a flight for an extended trip back to the UK. Therefore making the return not quite so hard as there is another holiday to be looking forward too.
Or could you look at doing it the other way - an extended trip in OZ every year or 18 months to spend quality time with your grand children.

I grew up on this side of the world, and as soon as I was able I was out of the Southern Hemisphere to explore the world that was out there. And I didn't want to come back to NZ. But have come, tried and are heading back out again.

I guess what I am trying to say is, that if I remember rightly, your grand children are in school (high school some of them?) and it won't be long before they are wantign to stretch their wings. To explore the UK and see for themselves where you came from.


Or maybe go back in April for your trip back, but plan to spend one more year in England doing all the things that you listed that you wanted to do such as the National Trust (that is on my list as the first thign to join when we are back).



My children (7;5;3) have grandparents in each country and they only see them once a year or so (slightly more often the ones in NZ - but not much as we are in the South Is and my parents the North Is). And the kids still have a great realationship with all of them. Skype is great with a webcam. And when the Scottish rellies come out it takes minutes for the kids to be right back into the swing of gettng spoilt rotten by them.


Sorry, I don't know if my rambling was any help what so ever. I just know what it is like to be in a country that you don't want to be in and loathing it all when you imagine there is no other option. Not something anyone should go through. And as someone else said, kids and grand-kids have a habit of doing their own thing (and if you are in the UK - a bed would be there for them when they do their OE).


((((hugs)))) its not an easy place to be or decision to make.

brits1

Bee...so sorry for the position your now facing...for me/us(my OH) if our sons were to return to Aus...well that would be a killer but then I think of all the other families I know where the children have moved overseas and they are left with their partners and other extended family, some move to be with their children while others are happy with their lifestlye and way of life and visit their children whenever they can...I sincerly hope that if we felt the way you do about the U.K then we would stay and visit our sons as often as possible...you have your own life journey and if that life revolves around your children then you will be fine.....good luck and if you do start feeling the same about Aus when your here just think of your children..they are the reason your returning and should then pull you through any negatives you have about Aus. Good luck....

Beedubya

Thank you all so much, so sorry about my pity party last night

Ah yes, stay here in England, if only life were that simple.

If I had the money to go every 12 months then that would be fine, but I am just on an ordinary wage living on my own and the cost would be a little too much.

Anyways I have made my decision, and that's it!!

I promise not to whinge again, but man sometimes it's good to vent and get it all out.

dytopia

Make it simple. Seriously, why drag your arse half-way around the world for somebody else to somewhere you don't want to be?

Cartesian logic might help.

a) What will happen if you go to OZ?
b) What would happen if you didn't go to Oz?
c) What would happen if you stay where you are?
d) what wouldn't happen if you stay where you are?

What evidence (not emotions) do you have to suggest your answers to each question is accurate?

Beedubya

This is fine if you are a person that lives by logic. Unfortunately I am one of those emotional types.

Thanks anyways for taking the time.