natty

Hi there

I have been living in Australia for just over 5 years now. We recently became citizens and I had both my children here.
We live on 2 acres in a lovely old cottage and have ponies and chooks. The air is clean, the people are lovely, its safe and a wonderful place to bring up my children and yet i feel so homesick at the moment.
I didnt enjoy living in the UK much although we had lots more money but then we didnt have 2 kids and one income then.
I know that most of the thinsg I miss are past memories that dont exist anymore.
I am not very close to my family but really miss my dad who is not a well man.

We are actually going back to visit in 6 weeks for the first time- It will be such a big trip as my family havnt even met my kids. But I am so worried that it will make me even more homesick and that I won't want to leave.
What makes it worse is that my DH has not desire at all to return to the UK- Its his worst nightmare actually so I know that its never going to happen.
I know on paper my life and my childrens is better here so why do I feel this way

Any advise from others who know how I feel might help a bit

thanks

Kentish Lass

Join us in 'Inbetweenies' thread. A lot of us feel the same.

Theyes

I have lived here 7 years and i have been back to the UK a couple of times (one was unexpected when my sister died) i found going back enforced the fact i couldn't go back there to live and i wanted to come back here. When i went back it was the most weird feeling, things were the same, i just didn't have the same feelings i felt that i'd moved on................... i'm not looking through rose tinted glasses and i really do get homesick (round Christmas etc) and sometimes i feel i'm not settled here but like you said it's past memories you miss and as i found out that's what they are, in the past and coming over here is so huge that it changes you.

Londonuck

You sound very much like i did when i lived in Canada. We did leave and i have to say i was gutted very quickly. I think when you get citizenship you say to yourself, well, if it doesnt work out i can always come back. Its very difficult to get the strength up to moving back again. I really wish i'd never left and just got on with a life i was actually quite enjoying. Homesickness will pass and it will resurface again at some stage. Its the immigrants curse. This is very much my own experience. Loads will tell you they had a wonderful time when they moved back and it was the best thing they'd ever done.

quoll

I have found the feeling of not belonging has got worse over the years. Maybe it has to do with growing old and realizing that there is nothing here that I want to do and so much to do there that I yearn for.

I go home once or twice a year (twice this year, woo hoo!) and stay for a month - 6 weeks and every time I come back I bawl my eyes out on the train from Cambridge to London and when I land in Canberra - I hate it so much now.

When the kids were young and we were consolidating careers etc I didnt feel this way but now I see my life slipping away in a place that I really have little affection for or connection with. Unfortunately, my husband is Australian and he wont leave although we could be perfectly comfortable in UK. I am now faced with one of my kids bringing up a family here and one is likely to be bringing up his family in UK so no easy decision there either. It isnt Canberra - before anyone jumps on me for that - it is Australia that really does not float my boat any more and, yes, I have travelled widely and not found anywhere that I would actually prefer to Canberra.

I survive by going home on trips but I realize that not everyone has that luxury. Your mental health is paramount and you need to do what you need to do to make whatever it is work for you. If you realize that you do belong there and that is where you would prefer to be you will have to work on the trapped feelings that will arise if you are forced to live here - there are ways around it including counselling which can give you some tips about how to cope. It isnt an easy thing though and I hope, for your sake, that you find returning to Australia is what you want to do because the alternative is cr*p!

Tr1boy

One thing that strikes me about these posts is this (and I'm not judging anyone). People always say how much the UK has changed (and it has but is still great IMO) but Having lived on and off in oz for 21yrs I can say with some insight that Sydney hasn't exactly stayed static either. It has gone through many changes, none of them for the better, has more people, more traffic, more crime and more expense than 21 yrs ago (obviously). In fact if Sydney was more like the city I first landed in all those years ago I'd be much more inclined to stay (except mens 'stylish' clothes were even more craptacular back then, hard to imagine I know).

Nothing stays the same, and live anywhere long enough and things will change around you. It just takes time to see it.

The_English_Bride

I know how hard it is to figure out what to do and I'm in a position where I really don't care much for where I live, so the decision to go back to the UK should be easy. I can only imagine what it would be like to actually like where you live and feel the pull of home. I think going for a visit can really help you put things in perspective. You might go and realise that you're happeir where you are now and you can get over the homesickness, or you might realise that you do really want to be in the UK. As for your DH, maybe this trip will do something for him too! Maybe he will come around to the idea of living back in the UK, so that you can actually have a more open discussion of your possibilities.

Either way, I hope you have a great trip and find peace whatever you discover!

Nicky & Dave

Very similar situation to you, Natty - we came over in 2006, both kids born here. I've tried very hard to build a new life here and ignore my homesickness but it's increased the longer I have been away from the UK.

I couldn't even articulate what it is exactly that I'm homesick for, I just miss the UK. It's competely a heart-thing, not rational at all! I know things don't stay the same and our lives would be very different if we'd stayed, now that we have children, but I do know that my preference is to be in the UK, not Australia.

We went back home for a holiday in May for 5 weeks for the first time since emigrating. On the whole, I found things wonderfully unchanged. Clearly the GFC has affected the UK far more than Australia and I noticed how many shops had closed down and more houses for sale, but everything else was, for me, just the same. It felt like putting on a pair of wonderfully comfy slippers - you just put them on and they fit perfectly. Being back didn't feel strange at all. I felt like I was back where I belonged.

Whilst the holiday has created huge issues for my and my OH, I actually feel relief now. At least now there is no more uncetainty: I know that I must go back to the UK, that's how strong my feelings are. Unfortunately, my OH feels equally strongly about staying in Australia and we also have two young children who must come first. Dave has finally agreed that we can move back to the UK by May 2013, but at this stage he still doesn't know if he can do that, so potentially this will mean we will separate.

At some point, you are going to have to deal with how you feel about living here and decide how strong your feelings are. Going back will be a catalyst: you're either going to love it but realise that Australia is now home, or you're going to realise that you do want to go back to the UK permanently.

My advice is go back, enjoy your holiday and try not to analyse your feelings too much. Give yourself some space to think things through after you get back but you will know after this holiday, I think.

Good luck!
Nicky

ExKiwilass

oooh Nicky.

Do you think he'd let you take the kids back, even if he decided to stay?

Nicky & Dave

Yes, I think he would but I hope it doesn't come to that. He's a very decent man who in all the years we have been together, I have never known to act without integrity. We have agreed that we will try our very best to work things out because we do still care for each other and because we have two young children and, above all, we do want to raise them as a family.

But, in all honesty, the gulf between us now seems huge and I really don't know if we can ever get things back to how we used to be. We feel a huge amount of resentment and anger towards each other, and it makes me very sad that we have come to this point.

It's a horrible situation and there are no winners. It gives me no pleasure to have finally got agreement from Dave about returning, because I know how unhappy it will make him. But he knows how hard I have tried to make it work over here - I really have given it my all - and I think that's why he has finally agreed to go back.

JAJ

I don't usually suggest some counselling on this forum but this strikes me as one of the situations where you could both benefit from working things out with an independent third party.

A few observations, in no particular order (and you're not expected to answer, either):

1. If you're both not on the same page about where you want to live, then you're likely to have serious problems in the medium term irrespective of what country you live in.

2. Why May 2013 to make a decision? Why not 2012 or 2014? What I'm saying here is that you say you arrived in December 2006, so presumably (if you're smart) you've already obtained your citizenship which gives flexibility, so why the wait longer to decide your next steps? I do advocate people giving Australia a "fair go" but if you've not settled after nearly 4 years plus a trip back to home country, that's not a good sign for the longer term. There's still of course a chance that if you move back to the UK (instead of visit) you'll fall into the category of those who migrate twice and you need to think that through in advance.

3. Presumably you made the decision to migrate to Australia together? What prompted you to want to migrate in the first place and are those reasons still valid? Your husband may well enjoy Australia, but can he really be happy if you're not? And vice versa?

What I'm trying to say is that unless you decide to separate, you've got to work this out together and it may not work out well if it's based on an ultimatum.

amelia10

I miss UK to

natty

Just wanted to say thank you for all your responses.

Nicky- I feel for you and hope you get it all sorted somehow.

I am feeling a lot better since posting- so many people have told me that returning will remind me exactly why I am here and I think probably I will feel like that.
A conversation on the phone to my dad yesterday reminded me how difficult families can be and how much easier our lives are here!

Will update after the trip to let you know if I am still homesick- hopefully on the holiday I will be homesick for here instead!

ExKiwilass

Horrible situation. I hope it works out

Heavenlyscent

Hi
I would just like to say hubby and I were in exactly the same boat except we took over 4 children to NZ. I could not settle at all and hubby was happy as larry, the rift that it causes in a marriage is unbelievable and very hard to live with. We struggled through for 18 months, it nearly broke our marriage completely but love was thicker than where we lived in the world. Seeing how very unhappy NZ had made me my hubby came round to returning to the Uk and I can now say we have been home 3 years, that for all of us it was actually the right decision. So there is a light at the ned of the tunnel. I just could not get over the fact that I was happpy in the UK and not at all in NZ. Staying in NZ just was not an option for me personally.