Heart broken and home sick
 

I have not been on here a while and wanted to update my current story. So i am still here in Canada with my husband and been here just under a year now. I decided to follow my heart but this week has been hell as i have realized i have been in denial.

I have definitely got bit more settled here, but not enough to want to stay forever. It has reached the point where the idea of children are coming int to the equation. With that in mind, i automatically feel the need to be close to home. I still want to go home but i think i have managed to live in this bubble and try and be happy with hubby which i have been to an extent. Basically been avoiding the situation. Now has been addressed head on and realize that he will never want to move.

I feel physically sick and this pain will just not got away. I feel so alone with these feelings. I cant even talk to my family as i feel like such a failure. I am beginning to realize that we may have to go our separate ways. I just dont want to believe it and not wanting to give up on this marriage. I am praying for a miracle right now.

Has anyone experienced a temporary separation due to this type of conflicts? I am hoping it does not have to come to that though. I am still living in hope.

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

You sound so sad. I have no advice to offer you I just wanted to send you a hug {{{{o}}}}. You are not alone, have a look at mistress miggins posts, she has been through the mill with the whole canada/relationship thing too.

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

Why would he never move back? Are you sure of that? Is he Canadian? I am guessing so when you say you followed you heart to come here.
Why do you want to go back ..... really? Time to be brutally honest with yourself and each other.

You should focus on that exact question, and then your priorities and the levels of your love for each other will unfold from those discussions. Have them with a marriage counsellor if either of you will do that - let someone else lead the questions and discussion in a non-confrontational way.

Sometimes there is compromise, sometimes there is an understanding, but sometimes there is resentment or a complete break up. Gosh - I wish you well - it's bloody hard when you are pulling in opposite directions. Girly cyber hugs Katrina :thumbup: :wub: Good luck with it all.

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

Hi,

Sorry to hear you are suffering. I have been through it all and can totally relate - except my experience was in Australia. If you want someone to chat to just give me a yell.

Thinking of you.

L x

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

I am so sorry to hear about your anguish :( I truly feel for you but im afraid I cant offer you any word of wisdom. The most I can do is tell you that your post has really touched me and I wish both you and your hubby all the very best and hope you can overcome your differences. My heart goes out to you and Im sending you lots of hugs xx

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

This is the cures of two different nationalities trying to make it work in one country or the other. I would have a look at some other posts who have been through the same thing. It at least gives you the feeling that you are not alone.

I had had enough of living near my inlaws in the USA ( me UK, OH USA) and after 5 years of trying to make it work, I am now in the UK with my wife following with our two dogs in a couple of months. Fortunately she is happy to move over here with me, but I could have been in the same situation as you, knowing that there was no way I could carry on with the life I had. This was more about family strife for me , rather than the actual location.

We have spoken about this whole subject at length and have both agreed that if she hates the UK and can't make it work , then we will both move somewhere neutral.Could this be a possible answer to your problem? I know others who have done so and have become closer in their effort to make it work elsewhere for both of them.

I will just send you all the best wishes I possible can and hope that this whole thing resolves itself , for yours and your husbands sake. :)

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

Hi KerinaK
I so feel for you as your story is the same as mine (and i just wonder how many others like us are out there!). I have been away for over 8 years from the UK (home) and as much as the OH and I have a great relationship, I just can't get my head around being here (Italy) for ever. We too have just begun the kids discussion, (i'm not as young as I once was!) and so it is also time for me to decide - I can't make him come to the UK, he just does not want to and so I would not insist.:(
My train of though at the moment: although it is not an ideal situation especially if you work however maybe you could go home for a couple of months alone, as a break, to see how you really feel and of course, to see how things are WITHOUT the OH. If you really miss him... love and distances work in very funny ways :wub:
The OH says I would probably be fed up and want to come straight back to Italy after a few months and I guess he has a point but I suppose if you can give it a try at home, a trial separation may make things clearer for both of you.
Please give me a shout if you need a natter. Big huge hugs also x

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I am so happy i found BE because it truly has been such a great support during this difficult journey.
Just to answer some of the questions above. Yes, my husband is Canadian so he actually has never lived in the UK apart from the hundreds of visits he made when we used to live long distance.

As for counselling, I actually have started to attend individual counselling as i started to find this too much dealing with this alone. I have managed to convince my husband to try some sessions with me soon so hoping that will help a bit.

In the mean time, I am just forcing myself to try and be strong now. I seem to go through stages. Last week felt terrible since he made it clear to me he does not want to live in UK as he does not think we will have a better life there. He also thinks it will not be as good if we have kids etc. Even when i asked him to maybe go back on a trial basis he was still not keen. On a postive note, it was not an arguement but a very civil discussion. But also a very painful one.

I feel so confused at the moment and dont just dont know what to do. I feel like such an outsider here and just dont feel like i belong. I made a big effort to join social groups etc to really try and integrate. Even though i have made a few friends here now, it still feels very superficial.

I miss home, I miss London and most of all I miss all my family. We are a pretty close knit family. I also used to live with my parents and siblings before moving so i think that it has made the transition even harder for me. I went back to London for Christmas and honestly did not want to come back.

I dont think Canada is an awful place its just not for me. If Canada was an hour from home, i think it would different. I just feel totally disconnected from my support unit and where i feel most comfortable.

We have tried to think of a neutral place but unfortunately we cant think of anywhere. I have some family in Holland, but dont see myself or my husband moving there. Even though it is closer it still would not work. So feeling pretty stuck right now.

I normally speak to my family every week, but did not phone this week with fear of breaking down. It hurts me so much having to live a lie and having to tell my family I am ok here when really i am so sad and depressed here. I feel if i tell them they would just worry.

As for a trial separation, I have thought about it but feel very confused. I dont want to lose my husband but at the same time going through such a tough time here. I am actually only working on a job contract which should be coming to an end this summer. There is talks of them extending but nothing confirmed at this point. If they do not extend me I am considering using the opportunity to go back for a couple of months. I just dont know, it s just so hard. It would be such a big decision. :confused:

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

Awww. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could meke it alright for you. :wub:

Where is Toronto are you? Would it help you to meet up with other Brits? keep talking to each other thats the key, and you will find a way to sort this out.


Big, big hugs :wub::wub::wub:

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

I understand so much! Less than a year ago we were where you are now. 2 years into emigration living in ontario it was March break the first day of the week and my husband appeared in the living room an hour or so after leaving for work that morning. I knew instantly at that moment what had happenend without him saying a word and what would happen. He had been laid off again and we would have to say goodbye to Canada forever...................

we set a 6 week time line to get back to the UK and end of May we were home!

Left our house behind which didnt sell till 5 months later, lost so much money, but we are home back to 'civilisation' and everything that is dear and usual and familiar our families the culture the history the countryside the bank holidays the shopping the life everywhere the choice the vibrancy the quantity and quality of everything the abundance of work although it takes time to find the graet TV! Hello BBC, great british iconic comedies and documentaries. hello public transport everywhere you look.

Come home with no regrets you did it you tried it it didnt work you have had an awesome adventure and life experience not everyone has the guts to do!!!!!!!

Its not failure its a grown up decision.

Lots of luck to you xxxx

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

An old lady who'd never married who I met years and years ago said to me when I asked her why she had never married, she was a wealthy,lovely lady who had also lived in different countries,she was still a "looker" at 80..hence the reason I asked the question ..she said she had lots of suiters and had been in love a few times but when push came to shove her past "loves" had not been there for her as she was for them.....sometimes marriages are full of compromises, lots of give and take others marriages are plain sailing and some are very one sided.....If you know without a doubt that if your husband felt as you did (and It sound like you have nothing personnel in regards to Canada...some people find it very hard not to be in a family unit...heck it's been the same for us here in Aus and after 12 years of missing family etc we are heading home) would you return home for him?....you might be able to work this out given time and you getting use to being away from your family and knowing you can cope on your own without the family support on your doorstep (don't forget in time you might make some good friends in Canada)....you might end up thanking your Oh for not returning to the U.K....and that's how it is sometimes when we migrate...all kinds of things adds to the stress of a marriage...things we thought we might never have really bothered us sometimes do.....I am so sorry to hear of how your are feeling....I know a few friends who's partners will not leave their adopted countries and although they are okay as one friend says she has permantely felt detached for years.....some have just rolled up their sleeves and got on with things but always visiting home as often as possible....as in their words that keeps them going...take care and have a good talk to your OH if you still feel as homesick make sure he knows that you would return home for a while and see how that bothers him....I know if my OH would act "with a shrug of his shoulders and say you'll come back"..I think I'd smack him...and pack straight away...lol.....take care and good luck....talking is always good

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

Hi there,

You sound exactly like I feel. I have a similar situation, but I am in Australia. My partner's dream was to come here, so that is why I am too. However, it was not my dream and so far do not think it was worth leaving everything I had in the UK. I've only been here nearly 7 months, but everyone says you should give it at least 18 months before you decide to leave, so I guess I will see how it goes. The other thing is that in the time I have been here, I still have not found employment, so it's not only frustrating, but very lonely being on your own so much in another country. I have a couple of friends here, but they work so only see them occassionally. I really miss my mam as we lived next door to each other in the UK. I have told my partner a few times that I do not want to live here forever, and that a few years will be enough for me, but honestly, I don't know if I can last that long. Like you said, it's not that the place is terrible, it's just not for me.

It's very difficult when you are in a relationship as you don't want to hurt the other person, but sometimes you have to do what's best for you, and if that means going your separate ways than so be it. Yes there is compromise, but there is no point doing something to keep someone else happy if it makes you unhappy.

I hope you find a way to be happy whatever you decide, there are lots of people in the same situation, so you are not alone.

I will continue my eternal search for employment here - and try to enjoy things, and see how things are after 18 months. After then, if I am still not happy here then I will seriously have to consider going back to the UK alone.

xx

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

OK, well..first of all.

I would say give yourself some time of no children and no responsibilities apart from living in Canada and making friends and such.

Make sure you have plans set in stone to visit the U.K. at regular intervals.

Let him know your feelings and that you'd like to spend time in the U.K. as well as Canada.

Maybe do 3 years in Canada and then a few years in the U.K. and then 5 years in Canada, 5 years in U.K.

Whatever works, just travel about the place and see how it goes.

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

First of all, you need a big hug and the equivalent of those girly moments when everything you say is agreed with regardless of how petty, mean or miserable it sounds. I understand completely where you and some of the other posters are coming from.

The difference is we both emigrated from the UK - but at the start of teh process we had no children and by the time we emigrated we had an 18 month old baby.

Maybe, just maybe without her I could have stayed longer but because she was in the equation I couldn't stop feeling guilty about bringing her up without the close family network and ties that bind us to one another....in Canada it would have been just the three of us, in the UK it was all of us - his and my side....and I didn't want my child to be the Canadian cousin that no one knew or cared about.

But as with all things, that wasn't the only reason nor was it the predominant one - the decision to leave a country ends up being a culmination of so many factors, not least the strength of the relationship, the job prospects, the financial aspects and the emotional and mental capacity to carry on regardless of all those niggling doubts.

If you want to be with your husband, then bringing up a child with him will be enough wherever you are and you will probably end up making a lot more friends and developing a network wherever you are because that is what children do - you end up going to mum's groups, and clubs and having interests that stem from your child...BUT and the big BUT is always, will it be enough to compensate for not having everyone else around....for me it wasn't and in the end, I made the decision to come back knowing full well that I may never go back to Canada and my husband may or may not follow me.

I think that there are always more underlying issues that affect a decision to stay or return to the UK - you have to explore yours which you are doing admirably by seeking help and being able to actually talk to your husband - that is a big feat in itself....and as for trial separations, I found that once I had come back initially alone with my daughter, started looking for work and getting back on my feet, it just cemented my decision not to go back. But coming back alone is going to be a difficult enough task in itself - the amount of questions, eye brow raising, sense of failure, disappointment - its a lot to take on so you have to take into account that extra stress too.

Whatever decision you make, it is going to be a very difficult choice - BUT all I would say and it is my opinion only, do not bring children into it if there is a remote possibility that Canada is not the long term future for you but the UK is a definate no no for your husband. Otherwise all the decisions you make will end up being based on what is best for your child or children as they should be....

Sorry for going on and on and I hope I haven't offended or upset anyone but this is a subject that hits very close to home, (as if you cannot tell!)

Good luck with your choices - they are not easy ones to make....

Re: Heart broken and home sick
 

So sorry to hear how bad your feeling right now!I felt much the same when we relocated to Sweden and the more I heard from family and friends the worse I felt, almost as though life was going on without me, it left me feeling left out and forgotten.Of course that wasn't the case just my own mind torturing me for making the decision to move.Now I feel much more positive but it has taken 2 tearful years.I hope things work out for you,sorry no advice to give.