MademoiselleMtl

Just spent the afternoon fighting about the same things and we have decided to call it quits and go our own ways.

I feel sad that I writing this on message board but I do not have anyone in the "real world" who really understands and that in itself is part of the problem.

This August will have made 13 years we are together, that is a long time to be together and the fact that we are saying goodbye to everything makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I remember how hard it was when my dad passed away, I couldn't do anything but miss him and think about him. The fact that I would never see his twinkling eyes and open smile pained me and it took about 3 years for me to be able to live in the world and not be consumed by his loss.

I am trying to remember that because I look at saying goodbye to my relationship as a death and I do not have a clue on how to mourn this loss. How does one move forward, how to deal with this pain in my heart?

I am scared, so scared, so much to do, create a new life, mourn a life lost, mourn someone I still love, mourn the future we were going to have together...how do you pick up the pieces?

I know people do it please tell me how you have done it?

Sherro

Hello,

I just read your message and I really wanted to pass on my support to you and hope you are OK. I know EXACTLY how you feel, and I know exactly what you have been going through and the roller coaster of emotions that you will go through.

I too am heading back home after 9 years overseas and a long relationship and it's been really hard but you know the feeling that never goes away, and I too have the exciting but daunting prospect of starting a new life.

How am I dealing with it, oh in typical Dan fashion throwing myself completely into something obscure. This time I am trekking in Nepal for 6 weeks upon leaving Australia in so I get back to the UK in June. 6-8 hours a day of trekking at altitude willl clear my mind and give me plenty of thinking time.

I have SO MUCH clutter in my head, leaving loved ones, friends, good job to return, and even though it was something I had to do, i needed to really challenge myself, so off trekking, a culture shock.

Anyway, this isnt about me, but you asked what others are doing that are going through the same or can sympathise with you. I suffered the same loss of my father in 2004, completely unexpected, died at 60 suddenly and the worst of it was that I had a really turbelant relationship with him because of his drinking and wanted to put it right, and never got the chance. It took took me a LONG time to be OK with it and being away from home made it 20 times worst.

So I hear you, everything you are saying and I am also heading back to England with the same demons, although I am very positive, happy and excited too.

Really happy to talk to you and give you any support I can, feel free to PM me at any time OK.

Good luck to you, its all going to be OK !!

Cheers

Daniel

MademoiselleMtl

I have to say, if 7-8 hour treks do not keep you occupied, nothing will! That type of trip will certainly be a good way to process your thoughts and feelings.

Thank you for sharing and all the best to you.

AudsFrmSA

Hi there, I'm not been in your situation but I feel your pain, it sounds as though you still love your husband but because you are so unhappy where you are in your life at the moment, you are just giving up on your marriage. Maybe, you are just depressed for whatever reason, and perhaps if you sorted that factor out, perhaps life wouldn't seem so bad - I don't know, and forgive me if I'm way off track here, but you know it's worth a try, if you do want to save your marriage. If there was an icon for a hug, I'd send it to you but there isn't. Good luck for the future and be strong.

kez81

Thats a real shame but if you both want different things nothing can change it, thats what i beginning to think about my own relationship too but its hard when there is kids involved, we argue a lot at the moment about the fact i want home he doesnt infact i was pricing flights and phoned my mum saying i was returning after another argument at the weekend sorted it out now but i wonder how long till the next!!

You are very brave and i wish you all the luck in the world wish i had your courage.

quoll

Oh dear, I am so sorry that it has come to this as you knew perhaps it would but on the other hand I am happy that you have made a decision and that you will be able to move forward and live the life that you desire and deserve.

I havent been where you are going but you do need to treat it as you would any other significant loss but, for your own sake, try not to allow bitterness to creep into your splitting. I really think you have been between a rock and a hard place so now you are on your way - it has to get better from here and no doubt you will have a support network of family to help you on the way!
{{{{{hugs}}}}

mumof4

I just want to say I'm sorry and send you a hug. Thankfully I'm not in your position, I hope you're really thinking it thru' and not just trying to get away from the fighting. I don't know the full story obviously but I just want to ask if you've tried fixing the root of the fights....? But if you really think this is the way to go then I wish you lots of strength, and yes, like any loss time will help. That's why you need to be sure it's the right decision becoz obviously he'll still be here, or there....and may not be open to a change of mind down the road. Bear in mind it's a lot of stress at one time, moving and ending a marriage, so factor that in and take care of yourself. That's a sad statement that no one in the "real" world would understand, I hope that's a reason you're moving back and you'll have support back home. Good Luck and keep us posted. {{}}

Elvira

Of course you are scared - who would not be? But you've known for a while that this is how it will probably end, and you are gradually getting use to it - right? You will get through this; you will find the strength you need. And finding yourself and your own self-worth, and being in the place where you want to be, will be worth it.

Wishing you all the best - take care.

TraceyW

I spent 10 years with my ex and I can understand where you're coming from in terms of mourning the relationship. You give your all, you work so hard to make it work and when it doesn't, urgh, it's such an empty feeling.

Trust your instincts, they're always the right ones. If your gut is yelling at you to get out and make a new life, no matter how scary that may be, then you have to follow it.

I wish you every happiness whatever your future holds for you x

honeybee

I really feel for you although I havent been in same position but I know what it's like to be really miserable after relocating because of my husband's job. Thankfully I got over it in time and it didnt come to leaving. All I can say is that when you move to a new environment it should be easier as there is less to remind you of what you had together.I do wish you all the best as you move. hugs galore.

Fleaflyfloflum

Be strong.

I walked out on my first marriage after 16yrs. Although it wasnt for the same reasons you are the emotions and devastation is the same.
In hindsight and looking back now, the fear of doing it was far worse than the reality when it happened. Of course it is deadly frightening to turn your world upside down and change everything about it in one swoop, and even for a good while after your world will feel very strange, but for me it was the best thing i ever did.
I cannot believe i was stuck in the situation i was in for so many years without waking up to the fact i was living the wrong life. If you still love your man it will be somewhat harder i guess, i discovered i didnt love mine he had just become a habit too hard to break. Once i broke the habit of "him" I didnt look back.
I sincerely hope things work out for you. It will be scary, and you will feel very insecure for a while, but do what your heart tells you to do.... 9 times out of 10 it is right.

Best wishes x

geeandtee

I wish you all the luck in the world.
Like Flea, I left my first husband, after 16 years, but for entirely different reasons. I had agonized over it for ages and a good friend gave me one of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given, "You only get one chance at this life, it isn't a dress rehearsal."
In the end, you have to do what's right for yourself. Going home to Montreal will help you in so many ways, you will have your friends and family around you and you will be somewhere that you love. You will get through it, believe me.
Once again, good luck.
xxx

bevinva

I've seen some of your posts and know how hard it has been for you. The best thing is you have made a concrete decision and because of that you can move forward. Someone described me in my first marriage as "two Bev's", the one when her husband was around and the one when he wasn't. I realised which one was the real me and had to leave. I feel that you know where you can be the real you, that's why you're going home. Hopefully one day you will combine that with another person. Good Luck.

Twigstar

Bless you, I too have followed your story and feel so much empathy for you. I am still with my Husband of 34 years but there have been many of times I have come close to walking... You are a woman, you have strong instincts you WILL survive tell yourself that everyday. Good Luck and keep your chin well up young lady, you deserve the hapiness that has alluded you of late...

TruBrit

it's tough i know however it's not like death where one doesn't have a choice. why make two lives unhappy living together when you can go your separate ways and if amicable then keep in touch and who knows what the future holds. it takes guts to do what you are doing and i wish you all the very best