quoll

Sorry to hear that! That bl**dy elephant sure does get about I know what you mean about the mental exhaustion of being trapped where you really dont want to be. At least we are far enough away from the inlaws for them not to be a bother to us - think I would go absolutely nuts if I had to live in the inlaw pockets. I figure if I cant have my family, he cant have his nearby either, that really isnt fair - about 10 hour drive is just about far enough!

Tootsie Frickensprinkles

I just don't like putting words in people's mouths, that's all.

Gettingtheflipout

I had a similar dilemma last year- my wife is american, we'd been living in the states for two year, immigration had developed into a farce of wodehouse-esque proportions, I was forced (largely by the missus, partly by myself for agreeing to it...)into working for a company that I had serious ethical misgivings about, was putting on weight, couldn't cope with the cultureshock, and was seriously, seriously homesick- wifes response at the time was, essentially, "tough."

I came so close to getting my parents to buy me a one-way and just ditching the whole bloody mess.

We limped through, though, and moved to a different state that took some of the pressure off for a brief spell, but it returned once we realised she was trapped in a low paying job with good benefits, meaning I was forced once again into work I hated to pay the bills on a place that was too big for me but not big enough for her.

During that time, though, my wife really came to understand just how miserable I was, and also just how much better life could be in the UK- her family was falling apart and she was being dragged into every stupid catfight, two of her nephews signed up for the marines at 18- one of whom is about a month away from being deployed to Iraq, which has her worried sick, and nothing seemed to be going well for us.

she also came to realise, I think, just how much her habit of hoarding material things was impacting our happiness- I started married life with a bag of clothes, a guitar and my hardback copies of Lord of the Rings- she carried about 30 years of stuff with her everywhere, and it completely dictated how big a place we needed and how much we had to pay for rent, which made life far too hard.

Upshot? we're moving back to the UK- I'm off on the 19th of september, and she'll be joining me sometime next february, once she wraps everything up here and her immigration process is complete.

I'm glad we stuck it out, but by god we had some near-misses. Best part of it is that we both have a new-found appreciation of the UK and its pace and silly traditions and past-times (Snooker! grated cheese and pickle sandwiches! lukewarm flat beer! etc etc), and are both going to be much calmer, happier individuals because of it all- and we can build our lives around our income, rather than have to build our income around our lives, which is just enormous in my books.

wheatsheaf

One can cope as always, especially after 2 decades of coping its almost second nature. Its getting more noticeable now however that the children are missing out on some of the great opportunities and experiences of being in the UK. Ive done my best to provide these from where we are......checked my older two passports: 28 trips to UK each!!!. I cant keep that kind of going without/expenditure up any longer!!!!.

islandergirl

Flipout my Aus OH sounds EXACTLY like your wife, we are stuck paying the mortgage on 4 BR + Study for 2 of us because he won't get rid of any of his crap, boxes upon boxes of clothes that don't fit, old school jotters etc etc. I too came here 10 years ago with a suitcase, and could still fit my clothes and photos in 2-3 suitcases thanks to a recent clearout - I would be happy to leave with 2 suitcases and my pets, don't care about the furniture etc

He is now saying he will come with me to the UK on the condition that we have a similar lifestyle there so he doesn't have to get rid of his stuff as it is "part of who I am". So our problems are deeper than UK vs Aus for sure.

FFS I could weep, the thought of replicating my stressy life here over there, ie the big mortgage big house filled with useless crap, miles from anywhere so we can afford the size, 2 cars etc etc cos we won't be anywhere near public transport, having to work my arse off to pay for that, the long commute.

Wheatsheaf I am also hearing you about the elephant, for many years we just didn't talk about it at all becuase it caused such dramas, but I had an epiphany a couple of months ago (and quoll's advice has been invaluable btw thanks).

Basically it was another farewell at the airport with my parents where I just suddenly felt in my heart "I can NEVER do this again" and that is when I laid down the law for the first time and said I was going as soon as the pets were transportable.

As for the world getting a smaller place, does anyone else feel that is no longer the case, I just feel that with the rocketing airfare prices and now the airlines cutting back on capacity it will only get harder to get back to the UK for visits. Aus IMO will be getting progressively more isolated due to these factors and now is a good time to get out.

islandergirl

I forgot to answer the question about feeling disengaged from life in Aus.

That is a hard one as I am not leaving out of a dislike of Australia, the past few years have been horrendously stressful but that is due to personal circumstances and a chain of events, and I don't harbour any resentment towards Australia for that reason.

I am probably less inclined to engage socially, knowing I only have 6 months to go, there are a few people here who are really important to me (all Aussies) and I want to concentrate my energies spending time enjoying their company. Maybe plan to do some fun things with them like a weekend away that we had always talked about but never got around to. Also have a house to sell so that will take up a lot of time I expect.

I am also planning to spend some time in places I really liked so a road trip is on the cards within Aus, and I would also like to "finish" NZ before I leave.

My intention is when I get on that plane in ealy 2009 that will be the last long haul I am doing EVER. Holidays from now on will be spent in UK/Europe or the odd trip to US/Canada but none of this marathon 41 hour trek across the planet each way.

quoll

You're not wrong - 3 decades for me! I think the DH is noticing how much of a different person I am here at home now that we are here for a holiday. I am happy, I catch myself smiling all the time. One of my kids is here permanently (I think) and the other will never leave Aus again (been here and done it!)

SavBlancGal

Yep... 36 years for me, stuck here with my stubborn kiwi spouse. I have days when I seriously struggle with a growing level of resentment towards him over his absolute refusal to go and live in the UK even for a specific period, rather than the (to him) scary 'forever'.

I honestly don't think there is a solution to this particular issue. One or other ends up unhappy whichever place you live in.

quoll

NOt much you can do with them except a great deal of duct tape and a baseball bat (recommendation from another poster!!!). My mum said yesterday while we were having afternoon tea with friends and discussing the "state of the UK" as most Poms like to do, that DH had told her on our wedding day that she was not to worry about me because if I ever wanted to come home he would bring me!!!!!!!!!!! Ha! He never told me that! I think we need a few minutes quiet time to ourselves (and me to check whether there were any witnesses to this remarkable conversation!) to address this in more detail!

islandergirl

((Ironic laughter))

I think they all say that quoll!

trottytrue

How do you manage. I know that even though my OH has said he is willing to move to the UK he is US citizen I do feel resentment towards him but at least I do see some light at the end of the tunnel. Even if its a long tunnel
I dont know how old you are but have you ever thought of returning on your own before its too late. I really do understand what you say when you talk about there being no good solution to it whichever place you live.

I often think about what I would have done differently when I lisen to the song "If I could turn back time". Who knows.

trottytrue

I am to understand that it takes 41 hours to travel from AU to England.

islandergirl

It take 41 hours door to door yes -once you add the trip from regional Australia to Sydney, and then from London to the Highlands of Scotland to the 24 hours from eastern Aus to London. That is an extra 2 (short) flights + 2 extra drives (one of them quite substantial) + a lot of extra time hanging around airports waiting for connections etc.

Not everyone in the UK lives within an hour or two drive of Heathrow, abut according to all the major airlines on the Aus-UK route (bar Emirates now) British life begins and ends south of the Watford Gap.

When I go back to Aus by the time I get on the plane in LHR I have already been travelling 10 hours and still have to face the 2 long haul flights of 14h + hanging around in Singapore + 10 hours each, the shambles that is Customs and Immigration at Sydney Airport, the shitfight that is the qantas transfer desk for going from International to Domestic (earlier this year this alone took an hour and a half, I actually missed my connection) a domestic flight AND a bit of a drive to get to where I live.

People moan about the long haul that are only going to London from Sydney (26 hours) - lucky buggers I say!

peanut21

Lets face it islandergirl the flight from Aus to UK is the flight from hell. NOw try doing it with kids.

People may say the world is getting smaller. Yeah whatever move to australia and then tell me that after the long haul endurance you have just lived through its getting smaller.

SavBlancGal

It's a tough one alright, but I will never ever give up scheming/plotting/planning a return, even as I say for a period of time (if I don't go forever) and even if I have to go on my own. At this point in time I have my daughter (a kiwi) to consider and as she's at the age where she'll most likely start her tertiary education next year, it's unlikely that I'll go for another few years yet. Plus my parents, also here in NZ, are now in their 80's, so that's just one more thing to take into account.

I too think I'd have made some very different decisions in life... if only I'd had that crystal ball!!!

Still, I ain't dead yet and I'll never give up the 'fight'.