mymatemarmite

That’s it really. Stalemate. I want to go home, he wants to stay in LA. Two children aged 8&11 both born in the U.K. but lived here for 8yrs. I’m aware the time is now to move back based on my eldest but also I’m just over being here and I want to go home

SanDiegogirl

Loads of post relating to partners at odds.. no standard heading for the posts, so you'll just have to look at threads. NZ has lots of posts with this dilemma.....

Helen1964

Here’s an unfashionable suggestion. Put your own wants aside and ask yourself what’s in the best interests of your two children?
There was a lady on here recently who’d dragged the entire family back to the UK (Milton Keynes I think) only to discover she hated it.

durham_lad

When our decision point came the children were aged 8 and 10. We had been in the USA 4 years and we all sat around the dinner table, told the kids that we had the option to stay for good, I had been offered a permanent job. They were both dead keen to stay so any doubts we had were gone, and I took the job.

But every family is different and how they come to decisions will vary.

mymatemarmite

Thanks for the supremely helpful and unjudgemental post. “Fashionably” I actually am also basing this decision hugely on the interests of my children. It’s hardly a decision to take lightly or on a whim without considering all the various permutations....

Helen1964

What do you seriously expect a bunch of complete strangers to say?
Durham Lad has very kindly told you how his family handled the decision about whether to stay or go but how does that help you?
Sounds to me like you’re going to do what you want regardless of what your partner thinks.

mymatemarmite

I’m quite aware that nobody else can make the decision for me, I was looking for support from others going through the same.

There’s no need to be so rude, I’m hardly the only one who has ever been in this situation.

thanks to the suggestion of checking other threads, found one where there are a bunch of people who are going through similar so I’ll join that and get this deleted seeing as it’s only encouraging toxic replies

caretaker

This poster seems to be going through something similar, good luck mmm.
So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

mymatemarmite

Thankyou caretaker

scilly

There are actually two members in the Canada forum who are going through this, both are men. Both are considering only what they want, and are attempting to convince unwilling wives to make the move.

I'll give you the same advice I've given them ..............

your two children are plenty old enough for you not to just "consider their best interests", but actually to be consulted about THEIR wishes and desires. Sit down with them, please and have a very serious discussion with them, NOT you telling them, but you giving serious consideration to what they have to say.

Secondly, when were you last back, and how long were you there for?

Two or 3 weeks are by no means enough to judge what life back "home" will really be like. Friends and family are all over you when it's that short a time, be there for 2 months, 3 months, or 6 months, and they will revert back to what their lives have become since you left.

That's when the gloss wears off and people realise they may not have made the right decision.

Thirdly, why does your OH want to stay in LA? Is it the job he loves, the state or country, or the money he is making? Will he be able to find a suitable job back home that he enjoys and pays him enough money to do what you've all been able to do while in the US? Will you be able to find a suitable job?

Are you willing to break up the family unit and deny the children regular access to their father (because of the cost of them coming to visit him) if you take them back with you?

Are you just being totally selfish?

Have you considered going for counselling,by yourself with your husband AND with the children?


Before answering those questions that I've asked ................. consult the children and find out what they really think about LA for themselves.

mymatemarmite

to answer your questions we have already spoken to the children at length about the possibility we could move home. They are very much part of the conversation and have been since they were old enough to understand what we mean by it. Their thoughts and feelings are taken into account and as this was never supposed to be a permanent move we’ve always been open about the possibility of moving back. Hence me getting defensive about being accused of not taking them into account.

you’re right that a long summer holiday (we are usually in the U.K. for 6weeks every summer and go back about every 3 Christmases as well) is not an accurate representation of living somewhere but also I would argue 3/6/9/months isn’t really enough either. I’m more than prepared to see how maybe 1-2years would go but also aware that could be more detrimental upheaval for my eldest.

Of course I don’t want to break up the family unit nor deny access, what a ridiculous accusation - again this is pretty extreme of a response to have. You don’t know the conversations we have had and to say that I am selfish for wanting to return but not that he is selfish for wanting to stay reeks of misogyny.

we are already seeing a therapist together to help us navigate this conversation as we both realise we need help from a third party in order to be able to communicate and discuss and hopefully decide what we’re doing.

we likewise are constantly weighing up the pros and cons particularly when it comes to our careers because the last thing I want is for the man I love to be miserable and the same goes for how he feels about me. We both need to be at peace and happy with the decision whether it is to stay or to go otherwise we know it will lead to
Resentment and yes the break up of the family. For what it’s worth, yes we can both continue to grow in our careers in both countries, right now one is not better than the other in that regard. Financially we have more earning power here but because of how we are set up we could be mortgage/rent free in the U.K. and don’t have to put away thousands of dollars to visit home every year either. this is just one of the many things we are taking into consideration.

as I said, I’m looking for just some emotional support from others going through the same thing rather than assumptions that I’m just sat on my arse whinging and not taking anyone else in my family into account. You have no idea about our family history or dynamic so please less assumptions and judgements

no good name

scilly

I will defend myself here from your accusation of a petty ridiculous and extreme response

I did NOT mean that you would deliberately deny access, but that access might well be very difficult because of the sheer cost of sending the children over to the US to be with their father during the summer holidays or at Christmas. In that sens, the children would see their father far less often than they or he might like.

moneypenny20

Take a step back and read what Scilly actually wrote not what you think they said. There was no judgement, no assumptions. There were simply suggestions as to what questions to ask yourself and the family. Of course none of us know what your family dynamic is or anything about you, no one has suggested they do. You asked for comments, you got them. Don't shoot people down just because you don't like what you think they've said. If you only want one particular answer then to be honest you have to ask the reflection in the mirror, not anyone else, least of all complete strangers. However if you want a different perspective, maybe ideas you haven't yet thought of then by all means ask complete strangers. Just don't spit the dummy if they suggest something you don't like. Take a breath and read carefully, no one is trying to hurt or abuse, simply support.

Helen1964

"Very much part of the conversation".

That's what the management consultants said to me and my fellow staff members just before they pulled the plug on the whole operation and outsourced us to India.

In the words of my old friend Mary from Glasgow, "Think on, hen."