Pants

Hi All

Yes it's me old timer Pants spending a few mins to ask a question before bubs wakes up..!! Sorry title should read grandparents who live far far away or even overseas...!!

I know a few of you know my story but in brief I live back in UK with Aussie hubby and 2 gorgeous bubs. One is nearly 6 and the other 8mnths old. One reason for coming back to Uk from Oz was due to cold outlaws who gave no support whatsoever when we moved to Oz with our then baby girl of 5mnths.

Since we left they have come over once to visit and stay and that was again a disaster in as far as our daughter didn't even get a packet of sweets brought for her or a game played with her. She was nearly 4 at the time. My outlaws mother would rather read OK magazine than play with her. I am not kidding on that.
So now we have a baby boy who of course when born got the best pumpkin patch outfit sent over and is asked after accordingly. And yes the outlaws are descending upon the UK again in Sept/Oct as they want to see baby boy.Luckily we have no room so they are booked into B and B..yahooooooooooo relief.

In the mean time every time they call and speak to their son and sometimes me, they never ask to speak to our daughter, she is never sent anything unless it's her birthday or Christmas, never a card or congratulations on her swimming effort, nowt, nil, the big zero. So I am getting up in arms already as I am thinking they make no effort whatsoever and it's as if she doesn't exist. I am biting my tongue as I want to ask them outright why they never ask to speak to her. This of course causes rows with hubby as he says don't worry about it but you know when they are sat in our house eating our food and making out life is sweet I just know I will be puking up in the garden with the front of it all.They have done so many things in the past that just stick in my throat and yes ok I know they live so far away but surely that would make you think more effort should be made. My husband agrees that yes they make no effort but he seems ok with just letting it be that way, as for me I want them to be aware of her and her feelings. She won't be staying 6 forever will she.....

By the way yes they have grandkids in Oz about 10mins up road from them, so do you think they don't bother with them also...no way of course they do.
You know if my sons family live 12,000 miles away I will make sure that they know who I am and that they are thought of and loved.

So anyone out there please any suggestions. You know if this was my parent I would ask and not ignore that this is going on. I am not having a go just because it is them. I just find it soooooooooooo unatural. I am worried that my girl will see the fuss they make of our boy and really "feel" it as she is a sweet natured sensitive babe. Oh yes and they plan to come when she is at school, another good thought out idea !!

Sorry bubs has woken hope this makes sense....its a bit miss mosh but hopefully you get the gist

x

Pants

MMhhhh think I will post this is Oz forum....maybe someone has similar experiences with distance.

The Smiths

Listen think yourself lucky that these ungrateful hideous people are in Oz and that you won't have to suffer their horrid behaviour towards your daughter too often!

Your little girl is obviously very much loved by you and her UK family and she probably doesn't have many feelings for these people, and I bet she doesn't pick up on their indifference as much as you do.

I would just suffer their visits and lay on the fact that you are soooo happy to home with your loving UK family, how they are so good to your little girl etc.... They'll get the message!

Don't let it become a situation that causes trouble between you and your husband as its simply not worth it.

You are obviously hurt by all of this but children suss people out pretty quickly and your little will see them as foreign relatives who show up occassionally to piss off her mummy!

Good luck its a horrible situation.

Pants

We put up with 2.5yrs in Oz with their antics. My babe already asks why they never talk to her or give her little bits ( as she puts it ). My mum
( her only grandparent here) gives her love, time and whatever she can. Its the uninterested voice that kills me when I say how well M is doing at this or that...like talking to a wall and you know even her son saw this last time they paid a visit and he said "never again". Her main concern is fussing over her boy (my grown up hubby) she brought him any treat she could and it was the same when we lived in Oz.

One thing she did was go to the bakers and buY all of us something except our daughter and when asked she said "oh well she can share someone's".....mmmhhhhh this are trivial things but over the period of a 7day visit they add up.Luckily our daughter was nearly 4 but now she will be 6 I think she is a bit more savvy about what is going on.

Thanks for the input

pommybird

JOKE:
Q. What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws??.....

A. Outlaws are 'wanted'

I know, I know you've probably heard it before but the old ones are the best!!

If it were me Pants I would say my piece and get it off my chest, but that's me and just the way I am - if I didn't say anything it would just fester in me.

Hove

Had a motherinlaw like that once.But I looked at it this way Imarried the son I didnt marry them..............And I just got on with it.

krizzy

They are sure missing out...we have stayed near our Grandson for his first few years its cost us a lot money wise...but the payback is priceless...

Your daughter is back with family who love her...that is all that matters...

Ben

Hi Pants,

both my parents and the in-laws live 3,000 miles away. My in-laws call on birthdays and Christmas. The children don't hear from them any other time. My daughter has tried e-mailing but she never gets a reply. My children were in close contact with my in-laws until they were 4, 6, and 8. They have visited a few times but the saying 'out of sight out of mind' works very well with them. My MIL can't cope with the idea of talking to them because it upsets her. What she doesn't see is her lack of interest throughout the year upsets them. And who is the child here? BUT, they care and they love their grandkids. And yes, they are much closer to their other grandkids than they are my children, and always have been. I knew that was the way it would be and they lived up to every little bit of my presumptions of them.

However, I may not like the way things have turned out, I accept it because that is their way. BUT, they don't favor one sex over another (I have two boys and one girl). If they ever did I would make it very clear that that will never happen.

If you have grandparents that don't show affection to any of your children then sometimes we just have to accept that this is the way they are. The fact that you live so far away helps But if you have them favoring one child over another then something will need to be said, if I were you. Purely because I would not/do not put up with certain sexes being considered better than others. this type of behavior would make me see red and say something and even give an ultimatum. But not in front of the children. And I would expect my husband to back me up on it too - or he takes control and makes it clear to his own parents.

I wouldn't put up with it from my own parents and I certainly wouldn't put up with it from anyone else towards my children.

chance to be

hi p
I have a similar situation. One grandparent not interested. when a birthday etc is forgotten, I always make a joke of it. I say things like "Shes a real wierdo. Fancy being like that. She must be really dumb to not be able to remember what the date is, think boys should be treated differently to girls etc etc...." and basically take the p1ss out of her. So if she (rarely) sees them, we just give each other knowing glances etc and pretend its a big game.
I also remind them that it doesnt matter if one persons forgotten them, because x,y,z have all remembered and that just goes to show how special they are. I explain that in life some people are generous, some are selfish. Simple as that. I dont see why I should make excuses for her.
Its their choice if your grandparents dont want to show any interest. I think you should be honest with them (children) and if they ask, say what you think. Why cover up for someone, they'll never change if you do.
Now mine are a little older, they say to her face things like "why did you forget my birthday" and seeing her squirm is priceless! I try to just make them see it as a big joke. For us, its a "private joke". that way OH doesnt feel Im drawing him into it too.
Just make her out to be a dragon, or the baddie in your kids favourite book/DVD. Keep it light/funny, so they dont see it as an issue and get hurt
Remember they're the silly old sods!
C xxx

spuds

Hey Pants,

I am not sure I can add anything more valuable but I also have crappy in-laws who constantly dissappoint me in the way they treat my son. When he was born in Oz in Feb 2006 they said they wouldn't be out from the UK until the end of the year as he would be "too boring" until then and anyway, they wanted to watch the ashes. I was gobsmacked! This is their first and only grandchild, they are not short of a bob or two and fly back and fore to America 4-5 times a year but just couldn't seem to be bothered to make the time to come and see him.

Well, I just about got over that and despite our original plan to go home for Xmas was actually looking forward to having them come for to us Xmas (they announced they had booked flights so there wasn't too much I could do about it!) Even though every other visit has been a disaster and they can't be bothered with Xmas, I thought it might be because there had been no children in the family for so long and that our beautiful little boy would make them see things differently. Xmas is a huge deal in my family and I was beside myself that my parents weren't able to spend Oshi's first Xmas with him. MIL kept talking about how they were so honoured that they'd be able to share Xmas with us and our little one and I really thought it was going to work out.

It didn't.

They were the same selfish people they always were. FIL didn't pick my son up or give him a cuddle once in the whole 4 weeks that they were there and Xmas day was the worst I have ever experienced. They didn't get out of bed until around 10 (my son gets up at 5.30 so we'd waited for them to open pressies) then they came downstairs and got themselves breakfast. We gave them their pressies from us and they didn't even open them, or watch Oshi open his. They just went into the other room (where they spent almost all of their 4 weeks) and watched tv all day. I cooked a huge roast and they came out to eat it and then went back to the tv room again! I cried all day.

It still hurts to think about it and my poor parents (who'd been out for his arrival and sadly couldn't take anymore time off work to come back for Xmas) were astonished that they would pass up an opportunity like that. I vowed that my son would never have another Xmas like that.

The weird thing is, my MIL talks about Oshi all the time and does send him 'little bits' from the UK but she made no effort at all while she was in the same room as him! I don't know what the answer is though I do make an effort to send her Oshi's paintings and photos which does seem to make her feel closer to him (and us.) I figure I will keep treating the grampies the same even though there is a huge difference in the way the treat my son. I want to be a good role model for Oshi and would like him to see that I think he should be an important part of his nanna's life.

They are part of the reason we're moving home in an ironic sort of way. There is no way they are ever coming to stay with us again (my husband even makes this statement) so if we don't move back (where we can choose how much time to spend with them and when) Oshi will never know them and I know that makes my hubby very sad.

I am still hoping that being around such a darling little boy will thaw them a little and that they are just out of practice, but I know I am likely to be dissappointed at Xmas this year when we head back.

I think, contrary to what some people have said, it's actually worse when they live far away as those inevitable visits are awful. You have so little control over the situation, epsecially if they are living with you for weeks on end and you can't seem to get away from it all. So you have my utmost sympathy and empathy and should at least take some comfort from the knowledge that they won't be staying in your house (see, UK toytown houses have some advantages!)

Could you try and embarrass her into showing your daughter some attention? If M presented her with something she'd made specially for her or something? Would that warm the old bat up?

It's heartbreaking when someone like that doesn't love your baby as much as they deserve but she is loved by lots of other people and you must remember that this is absolutley your MIL's loss.

X

Debbie June

Ok, for starters speak to them outright, believe me, it can be done! After, your daughter is 6 so leave her with them a full day, planning in advance exactly wot they have to do, (opening times, pick up times etc). It's amazing how a youngster of that age can get around the most fearsome (for us) of people. Have confidence and see how it works out... wonders. They maybe just need to spend a bit of time with her without realising it too much.