Homesick English Girl

Hi guys,
I've been directed to this forum by a moderator, and I'll say that I'm so glad to have been - I was starting to think that I was the only person alive that felt so utterly miserable after emigrating.
I moved to Texas a year ago to be with my long-distance boyfriend (he's a USC) and we got married in December last year (we had originally met through an exchange scheme in my old job).
When I first got here, I actually had no idea I'd end up staying because I was only due to be here for 2 months then return home to the UK.
But, when my depature date arrived, I couldn't face leaving my (now) hubby, so we ended up going through the whole immigration process.
Don't get me wrong, I certainly didn't get married just to obtain a greencard, that was actually the last thing on my mind at the time, but now that I'm in the "waiting for citizenship" phase, I am just getting more and more depressed.

I've suffered from pretty bad depression and anxiety for the last 8 or so years, and it's starting to creep back in to the point I feel constantly on the verge of tears. I am so very very homesick and the only thing keeping me going is the 2 month-long visit we have booked to visit my family this Christmas. We live in hubby's elderly parents' house, and although we have the entire upstairs as our living quarters, the sadness I feel when I think of my own house that I had to sell back in England is overwhelming. It sounds awful, I know, but the only thing keeping me going is knowing that when his parents pass away, this house becomes legally ours, and we've decided to sell it and move back to the uk... but I even find myself wondering how long they'll live for... terrible, isn't it?
My family miss me incredibly and they even had to miss my wedding because of the short notice - there's also no chance at all that they'd ever be able to come over and visit me because of finances and health problems.

I am stuck at home every day because hubby has our truck for work (he uses the truck in his job) so I have no way of getting out anywhere unless he's home to take me. My mother in law nags constantly, rarely gives me a minute's peace, always wanting to vent to me about other members of her family, I have no job due to a few reasons, (lack of transport plus the anxiety problems I have) so I really am up sht creek right now!
Hubby only gets around $9 per hour so money is very tight, and to top it off, time isn't on either of our sides and we're desperate to start a family.... but how the hell do we do that without being able to afford health insurance!

Don't get me wrong, my feelings towards America/Texas are bitter-sweet. I am proud of myself for having made the huge move over here, and I like the people (for the most part) and the area we live, but it's just not "home".
When we go out somewhere for the day, I see something pretty and immediately begin to cry, thinking about how wonderful it would be if my mom and dad could share this with me and see my home, but know they can't.
The worst part for me is my living situation and not being able to do diddly squat about it. There's no way we could afford to get a place of our own, but a move back to the UK is out of the question for us right now, because we'd be utterly miserable. We'd have to move in with my parents in a tiny 2-bed house, we'd have no income, no car, no nothing... we'd be utterly miserable.

I know I'm ranting, I apologise, but I just needed to talk to others in my position. I desperatly want help for my depression (and related homesickness which I believe is being tripled by the other illness) but without health insurance, I can't afford treatment.
I just feel like I'm going in vicious circles, and it makes things so much worse as I don't have a single friend over here.
My friends in Britain pretty much turnd their backs on me when I left the UK, so apart from my wonderful husband, I truly have no one to have a moan to.
I just feel lonely and I'm hurting, and I'm so sickeningly homesick - I don't know how to cope or make things better for myself.
I don't want to come across as self-piteous or pathetic, I would just like to hear other peoples' coping methods and advice.
To know I'm not the only person out here feeling the way I do would be comforting (even though I feel so sorry for those feeling this bad), if anyone feels like replying or messaging me, then please feel free, I'd love to hear from you.

xx

cherry6

I know how you feel and I am sure a lot of others on here will also know too. I have felt similar feelings to yours and I am here in Australia. I think it doesnt matter where you move to in this world, its possible to feel homesick in paradise. The first time I moved here the feeling was very strong and I gave in and returned, and regretted it so came back out here. This time round I have ignored the feelings by various methods, the main one telling myself no matter what I would stick with it. I tried to get to know people, got involved in various things, planned activities. I have been here 5 years now and the homesick feelings have come back (after ignoring them for the first year they disappeared) and I am returning to the UK for good as I know this will never be home. Depending on how strong your homesickness is depends on whether you can really make a go of it in the US, but no matter what understand that we know how you feel xx

Jerseygirl

I'm pleased you've posted in here. No you're not the only person to feel this way...not by any means. I do think you've overcome a tremendous hurdle when you realise you're not alone with all these emotions.

I'm sure you'll find great support on BE and make many friends. In any case it will help to pass away the lonely hours. There's usually someone around 24/7 to have a good old moan to...share a joke with or just for a good old chinwag.

islandergirl

Welcome to the forum.

You do sound really depressed, are you on anti-depressants at all, as they can really help though they are not for everyone.

One thing that stands out about your situation is that you are putting a lot of conditions on why you can't do anything to improve things, and I think this may be a symptom of major depression.

For example you may be better off to borrow some money maybe from your parents or in laws to buy a small eocnomical vehicle for yourself so you are not totally isolated all day with your nasty old MIL, and then you could look for some work, even a couple of days a week waitressing or retail (don't know what you did before the move) would boost your income, and would also get you out and about and meeting people.

Anyway I am not preaching, I really think that you need to get your depression under control and then you will be more able to make some positive steps towards regaining some kind of ownership of your life, as it sounds like you have made too many sacrifices to be with your husband, and that is not fair on either of you.

In the meantime chin up - start counting down to your trip back to the UK.

Homesick English Girl

Hiya no, I'm not currently on any medications (but I've started taking St John's Wort) because hubby and I are trying for a baby, so I'm trying to put the risks to a minimum. You're right in what you say, I should see a doctor, but how ironic that we don't have, and can't afford, health insurance, so I guess I just have to suffer. That's such a huge downfall of this country - you're stuffed if you're ill and you don't earn a minimum of $15 p/h - there's just no way we could budget the monthly payments. We just don't have it.

Also, believe me, I have tried to find ways out of this pessimism - when I first started feeling depressed again, I decided to make an effort to busy myself, and I started looking into going to University and getting my degree in English Literature. It's what I've always dreamed about, and I had no idea of the cost of doing it. It was just out of my league, and I feel so sad that my moment's dream was shot to bits the second the fees page loaded.
I've also looked into joining evening classes locally, but the times always coincide with hubby's job hours, and I'd have no way of going with him (or getting there withOUT him!)

I just feel a bit screwed is all, lol.

islandergirl

Not judging, but if you want to have a baby you should be in good shape emotionally esp before the pregnancy hormones hit, otherwise you could end up with a major depressive episode.

When you are back in the UK maybe go to the docs and see about getting a script even just to see you through a few months until you can improve things at home etc?

Or, pay now for a single doc visit just to get some Zoloft or similar (don't know if GPs prescribe this stuff in the USA but ask on the US forum maybe?).

quoll

Welcome to the MBTTUK forum - you will find lots of kindred spirits here!

When you are feeling depressed then it does become harder to do positive things with your life but you are still at the stage of realizing that you may be entering depression and I believe that you can do something to help yourself!

Can I suggest a book? If you can find "Breaking the Patterns of Depression" by Michael Yapko, you will find that there are lots of self help strategies in there. That may be something to start with. He's one of the good guys - doesnt necessarily believe in medications but more in the power of the mind.

Then get yourself a schedule - your task is to get fit so you and your DH will be in peak fitness when you have your baby. Set aside at least an hour a day for some sort of physical activity - walk, run, go to the gym (or perhaps not if you dont have transport), ride a bike, whatever but get some physical exercise! Try for a hobby too - perhaps start knitting baby clothes against the day when you will need to rug your little one up nice and warm against an English winter or even crochet a bunny rug or something to keep your mind thinking about different things. Tune in to an audio book to keep the harping MIL out of your hair.

I have lots of little tricks to help me combat the "I wanna go home" wailings of my mind - thought stopping is the one which works best for me. I also allow myself a particular time of day when I give in to the "I dont want to be here" thoughts and I try and be constructive about how I can get home again for a holiday, check the airlines, plan an itinerary etc etc. Qantas must wonder why the heck I have so many searches for return trips!!!

Please come and talk to us all, you will find many a shoulder to cry on here! We may not be in San Antonio but other parts of "paradise" can be similarly unappealing if you want to be elsewhere.

{{{hugs}}} and good luck!

Marmalade

Hi HEG,

Quoll has some very useful advice; if I were you I would get the book that Quoll has mentioned. I am.

Anything that helps, will do some good in the long run. It seems that you are in a Catch-22 situation right now, but there is always a way to change things. Small steps at first ~ read a useful book that helps you cope with the depression, and yes, exercise is definitely a mood lifter. I try to exercise at least 5 days a week, as I feel wonderful afterwords, and my body is getting in shape at the same time (can't beat that for lifting the spirits). You have to put yourself first right now, so you can put your husband first second, if that makes any sense. If you are not happy, then everything/everybody around you will be affected too.

I wonder why you are rushing into having a baby, though? Not trying to be rude, but it seems you feel that you are trapped, and you have said that you and your husband really don't have any money right now or health insurance. Can you wait a while until you and he are bit more settled and financially more stable?

Please keep in touch and talk to us often on here as we are all going through major decisions/changes, and at times get quite depressed. I personally am moving back to Scotland next year after being in the US after 20 plus years, and know that it is the right move for me. But, I can see you are at the beginning of your journey and don't really know what to do. Keep asking as many questions as possible on this board, and we will try to help.

Good luck

TruBrit

there are a few on BE that live close to San Antonio but i guess you are considering moving back to the UK then posting in here...hope all goes well for you, good luck

daisygirl

I totally agree with islandergirl. I don't want to sound harsh, but if finances are a problem now, they will be completely overwhelm you if you have a child. Please rethink this and don't have a baby until you are ready both mentally and financially.

One of the best things for mild depression is to get out and walk. Start with a daily walk around your street. Make yourself do it even if you don't want to!

I feel so sorry for you. It must be terrible living with inlaws. No matter if they were nice or not, it's got to be a very stressful living situation. Hang in there.

jumping doris

Are you able to walk to anything? (Where I am you need a car to get off my neighbourhood).

If you can walk into town then go and join everything. There are usually book clubs on offer and volunteer things, womens groups, perhaps a newcomers group.

Could you get a dog and start walking...I met so many people walking my dog. He was my salvation here at first.
Can you get to somewhere like Barnes and Noble or a bookshop with a coffee place. I used to go to Barnes and Noble everyday and just sit and read. Eventually I got to know all the staff and at least I felt I knew someone!
Make yourself talk to everyone even though you may not feel like it. Who knows the next person you talk to could be your new best friend.

It is hard. I have been her three years and I am much more settled but I still have my moments and they can come on in the blink of an eye.

I would rather be in England but I'm not and I won't be anytime soon. Life is too short to waste being sad, however, so I have learned to make the very best of everything. I have met some lovely people here and done lots of things and there is always something great about everyday....at least we are all alive!

Erica P

Hi Homesick Englsih Girl

I really feel for you, just wanting to cry all the time isn't a great state to be in but things won't be like they are forever. Things will change and they can improve. This is a good forum to be on because you will find lots of people who have been in similar situations who haved found ways to cope and knowing that alone may help you.

I think the getting a dog advice is good. I bought mine over from the UK when we moved here to Canada and he really helps in getting me into a routine of getting out of the house twice a day for fresh air and exercise with the added bonus of meeting local people too. If you don't want to commit are their neighbours who work all day whose dogs you could walk for a few bucks?

Are there any more family from your husbands side living nearby? Lots of people on this forum really miss both sides of their family from the UK. It would be great for you if there were some of his family who you may get on with locally. They could be a great support network.

Just a quick final note. When you are back at home at Christmas, see if you can meet up with any old friends. I know you said they shunned you after getting married and leaving but true friends will forgive you and having old friends back in the UK sure does help. Speaking to them once a week has been the highlight of my week sometimes.

Best wishes
xxx

HighSpeedGrandma

Hi there.
You are definitely not alone in feeling homesick. But the depression is exacerbating things.
I agree with anothe poster who said perhaps you can have a one off visit to a doctor for some meds otherwise you will constantly feel like you are going around in circles, depressed because you are homesick and homesick because you are depressed, with no end in sight.

You say you would be utterly miserable if you went back because you would have to be sharing the house. But aren't you utterly miserable here? At least at home you would have family around and friends. True friends will always be there for you. You don't need a car as much over there as you do here. You could catch buses etc.
I think if you could get out and about and meet people you may feel less isolated and alone.

What do you really want? To go home, or to be able to get treatment for your depression and get a job here? Surely your parents would loan you some money for a cheap car? Once you have a job you could pay them back.

How does your husband feel about going to the UK?

At the very least you have the support of everyone here. They have definitely been a great help to me. As someone else said, there is always someone to talk to here and there are many that are homesick so you can vent and pour your heart out.
I wish you the best.

Elvira

I know all about homesickness.

There are various copying strategies - find one that works for you.

In the meantime, make sure your contraception is working 100%. You do not want to add yet another complication to your life.

Homesick English Girl

Thanks for all your responses, guys, but I would like to add something about the "having a baby" part. I didn't really want to put this as it is a private issue but I will say that I'm not at an age where I CAN or want to put it off, and besides that, we have fertility issues which, over the years, have been part of my depression - not being ABLE to conceive.
I have gone through rigorous testing only to be told nothing's wrong, as has hubby, so you can imagine our frustration every month.

It's important that I tell you that I'm NOT always down and can actually have some brilliant times, really having a laugh with my in-laws or hubby, or really enjoy a day/weekend away somewhere. My problem is when I'm alone (which sadly, is every night) and I admit I have way too much time on my hands which is what sets the thinking in!

As far as being financially "ready" to have a baby, one thing my fertility doctor said to me that I never forgot was, "No matter how ready you think you are, you aren't!". I have a few savings and using my sister-in-laws as an example, know that any baby I have would never be wanting for anything, so I am not worried about that side of things. Medical care, yes, but I have done some research and found that some places offer insurance solely for expectant mothers, so again, all is not lost.

I desperately wanted a child in my early twenties, when I had a house of my own, good job, long-term relationship, but sadly things don't always work out the way we want, and so I'm not going to tempt fate or risk the chance of never conceiving by putting it off any longer.
As for living in the UK - it's not an option right now. There is a huge (literally) difference between living in the upstairs of a 13 room house compared to that of my parents who's home contains all of 6 rooms.. it's cramed when we visit, so imagine having us there long term with a baby?

I know my answer is to seek medical help - I just need to find out where to go. Its not like i can pop and see my GP for meds over here, I haven't got a clue where to go or who to see, and hubby doesn't have a clue either.
I have taken the advice to buy that book that someone suggested (Ive just got it off ebay!) and will definitely go about reading that.
I also fully intend on starting a daily exercise regime which will hopefully help.

I really feel for all of you out there that are in the same boat as me (feelings-wise) and if I'M able to offer support to anyone, I'd be only too happy to.
Hard to believe, I know, but depression aside, I actually make a damned good listener, lol.