finding it hard to re-settle
 

Some of you may remember me from being a regular MBTUK reader and poster last year. We left Perth in July 2007 and have ended up back in Dorset, from where we left in 2005. I am interested to know if anyone has found it difficult to re-settle, even though, like us, we longed to come home? I have found the whole experience very weired and difficult. It's like you expect to come back to your old life, and yet find that everything feels different, even though nothing has changed.

We feel sort of alienated, and my son who is 17 next month, absolutely hates being back here. It has been very tough for him, and he craves his life and friends back in Perth. It has been heartbreaking to see him so unhappy, and to realise the disruption this has caused him with his education. All he can think about is going back, and has no interest or motivation to pursue anything here. I feel like we have failed him. Has anyone else found themselves in this kind of situation, and if so, how have they dealt with it? At the moment, I feel like we should go back, even though I was really down in Perth for the 2 years we lived there.

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

relocating is a heartache at the best of times. potentially your son is in a position to live in australia again on his own merits so id say that you have to do whats important for you.
we lived in NZ for 3 years and i wanted to move back to the UK after the first year. I honestly wanted to go back but once i arrived the whole thing reversed, i suddenly missed NZ terrribly and felt id made a massive mistake. i felt alienated too, the weather was so grey etc. however i quickly realised why i did move back and started taking out breaks to the contryside with my wife and dog, devonshire is a far cry from near manchester! within 6 months i was quite happy to be back but it took a lot of adjusting, i honestly felt like i was in some kind of grieving process, and knowing that it was I who had made the dcision to move made it worse. for me, the free access countryside of the uk mixed with pubs and good beer and excellent basic food (yes, i said it) can make life there very pleasant. id didnt help that for the first 5 months i was back at my parents whilst we waited for our stuff to return from NZ. also many people asked 'why the hell did you move back here' and of course thats the problem, many in teh UK do not take advantage of teh good things out there, sure there a lot of shit too but nowhere in the world is safe beautiful contryside so accessible (here in the USA you are limited to far away national parks or locally little paths cut through small 'reserves')

(that all said my wife got a job in the USA so we moved out here and interestingly i prefer it here than NZ. the proximity to the UK helps (one 8 hour flight to manchester) and the seasonality is great. it may seem strange that i prefer the usa over NZ but its in part that its not like an extension of the UK, it has its own identity as such.)

my main point is that its common to feel bad at first, i know i got over it, i simply had to engage in those activities i missed abroad, it meant taking lots of hikes in the cool hills of northern england and actually chatting to people i met up there who i found so much more amiable than the average stay in town yocal!!

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

I think sometimes we forget that moving back is just as difficult emotionally as moving abroad in the first place. It takes adjustment and time. I don't know if it will help but there's an article about this very subject in the article section, its called Reverse Culture Shock.

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

sue, thats a useful article that reflects a lot of what i felt on my move back to the uk.

actually what i did find helped immensly was visiting different parts of the UK. manchester and he surrounding towns have their own feel as have many parts of the UK, in holidaying down in devonshire (for eg) i found enough differences in people/buildings/countryside/foods to make it feel like i was away from what was 'too' familiar, it was really refreshing to be on the southcoast in the sun (well, a bit of sun), with a cider, talking to someone with a new accent with palm trees in view.

if the ultra familiar is unbearable then (beryl) try a trip out to somewhere really quite different from Dorset (as nice as it is there-heck you even get grasshoppers singing in the summer!!) Id suggest a trip to south wales, the new accent,and some interesting ultra local foods (seaweed for one) at swansea market could be fun!! haha.

i think (importanly) travels within the UK make you feel like you dont belong right in a parochial community but visisting one can be fun.

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

Hi, we lived in NZ for 9 months in 04/05 and I just couldn't settle and then found out I was expecting my second child and was then soooo desperate to come home to my friends and family and everything that I knew - but now 3 years down the line and we are in the process of obtaining visa to go to Perth. I haven't been able to settle and keep asking myself 'why did we come home' - well OH would still be in NZ if it wasn't for me!!!!

So I know he doesn't want to be here and neither do I, my family and friends are still here but as you said 'Beril' things feel different and I know that my friends and family will still be my friends and family where i leave 5 miles away or on the other side of the world - I need to think about me and my family (OH and kids). I can't wait to get out of this country!!

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

That's a really helpful article. :thumbup:
Both my daughters are language students and over the last 3 years have travelled lots. They have both been to Mozambique for 3 months each. The oldest has also spent 6 months in Brazil and 6 months in Mexico and the youngest has spent 6 months in Japan!! They have experienced all the emotions and stages the article talks about.
It's also worth pointing out that as parents receiving them back it was also a huge adjustment to us as well as they struggled to help us understand and appreciate their experiences. Maybe it would be good for those of you thinking of returning home to try to prepare your nearest and dearest of how you might feel and of how they can help you to re-settle!
On a lighter note, the scariest part of the oldest daughter returning from foreign lands is her determination to cook us the local food of whatever her latest country is :eek: I'm not sure I will ever get to enjoy cassava :blink:

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

So sorry that it is hard for you to settle back at home. Many folk on here have had trouble with moving their teenagers - no matter in which direction, teens do not like to be jolted out of their comfort zone! I would think that his couple of years in WA may have been very easy for him and now he is expected to do more and the standards are higher with some consequences for not doing well. I can imagine that he would resent being tossed back into the scrum of GCSEs and A levels after the laissez faire of the Aussie system - very confronting! Also, it gets harder to break into a social group which has become well established so making new friendships is going to be harder for him.

You might be able to dangle a working holiday back in Aus (which you will facilitate) in front of him as a carrot for a successful educational outcome and once his Aussie friends start to come over for their gap year visits he may be a bit more positive.

Your unsettledness now is probably largely because of his emotional blackmail and whilst it is unfortunate that he doesnt like being back, remember how down you felt when you were here. He has his life to lead and will be heading off in a few years anyway, you have your life to lead and need to look after your emotional well being.

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

Are your visas still valid? If so, maybe you should consider helping your son return to Australia on his own, if it's where he wants to be. Perhaps attend university in Australia?

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

Crikey J, I was only thinking about you this week. I am shocked at how you feel to be honest as I know how much you disliked it here. I don't know what to say. I'll send you my email address and maybe we can chat on msn?

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

I can imagine how confused and conflicted you feel. First, you leave somewhere you weren't happy (Oz) to go somewhere you were happy (UK) only to find you're no longer happy back in the UK. The option of going back to Oz (are you seriously thinking of doing this?) must be scary because you didn't have a good time there. My recommendation would be to not hurry back to Oz too quickly. You've only been back 8 months and although you feel unsettled, the UK hasn't changed much since you left (as you said), it's just you that's changed. Objectively, it seems the UK is where you will eventually be happy, you just need some readjustment time.

The second bit (your son) I can't really help with much because I haven't been in your situation. As JAJ said, if he has a visa, maybe sending him back to uni in Oz would be a way through.

Are you taking time out to do some fun stuff? I know I am always at my worst when I am just spending 7 days a week working and not taking time out to just jump in the car and go somewhere for the day or afternoon. It's easy to lose track of how a mundane pattern of work - eat - sleep or consatntly "doing stuff" can wear you down. Remind yourself of what it was you missed about the UK. If it was museums, go to a museum. If it was friends, take a road trip to visit those friends.

As one who has been struggling with the return for 20 months now, the best advice I can give you is when you're having a crap day remind yourself of the fact it won't be forever, and take time out to do stuff you enjoy.

Chin up! :thumbup:

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

Woah up there Neddy. You've only been back for a short while, cut yourself some slack. You're bound to feel unsettled.

As for your son, o.k, now that's hard when you know your child is unhappy and hurting and you feel responsible for causing this hurt he's feeling. BUT, he's almost an adult, he will be moving on at some point in the future and probably doing it without you. If he wants to move to Oz, then he will, but you do not have to do it too. It made you unhappy being here. Can you imagine yourself here for the rest of your life?

Remember Betty Boop? She posted back in the UK after she'd been back about 6 months, and she was regretting going back. She then posted about a year later and said it was the best move she'd made and was really settled and happy. Give yourself time. Try to talk to your son to get himself involved in work, college, uni or something. Once he's made some good mates he'll soon get over his Aussie ones. Especially if he lands himself a hot girlfriend too!

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

If his visa expires, then not necessarily.

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

As the article from Sue points out, reverse culture shock is a very real thing. The lenght of time to go through the cycle of re-entry varies I guess for the individual. It looks like you are in the 'disillusionment' stage right now and you have to give it time, you have only been back 8 months. It might be worth while searching the net (incidentally has lots of stuff on this) to find strategies for managing reverse culture shock, such as keeping international contacts, getting involved in local activities, etc.
As for your son, of course he's at that difficult stage and it might be best if he considers studying in Perth or going for a year out there. Perhaps, he can get credits for any subjects taken there on an UK programme, it's worth looking into.
All the best and hope you manage to settle soon.:)

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

Id be interested to ask why OZ has a laizzez fairre attitude to education and the UK system is better... doesnt OZ produce Doctors....Lawyers...Solicitors etc....

Re: finding it hard to re-settle
 

Who told you that?

I agree that the education here is slack...and i have never heard about the 'OZ produce Doc's, Lawyers etc....'

Who know's why the system is rubbish, maybe cause they don't care:D