depressed!
 

Hi all, its been ages since I've posted, although I have been lurking and reading all the posts. To cut a long story short, we moved to nz in November 2006 on the dreaded LTBV, and for various reasons we had to reluctantly return to the UK in April last year. We just have not been able to settle, even though we have returned to the same village etc, all we can do is think of moving on again. All I have done today is cry! There are no jobs here (North Wales) for my husband and although money is not a problem, the boredom is killing him. We sold a cracking little business to go over there, and now find ourselves priced out of re-entering that market.

I trawl endlessly through the various immigration sites, just looking for a glimmer of hope. The problem with us is that we have no real 'skills' as such. When we left school, instead of doing what we really wanted and trained as carpenters, plumbers etc, we took the 'job for life' at the local council. Although they trained me to HNC level, it turns out to be practically useless. If I had trained as a hairdresser for example, I could get back there - or OZ!

We feel totally bereft. Our family do not, and do not want to, understand how we feel. It was great to see them all when we came back but the novelty soon wore off, and it has now been over 5 months since I saw my father, and contact with the rest of them is minimal and always at my instigation. It is so disappointing. I wasted so much emotion on saying goodbye and missing them so much out there!

People here seem to revel in our failure, although I'm at pains to point out it was not a failure, more a astute business decision, pitying us - 'oh well, they tried but missed us all soooooo much they had to come back.' No so.

Sorry if I'm rambling a bit, I'm just so down about the whole thing, and can't see how to make things better.Some days I'm more positive than others, my daughter is thrilled to be back at her old school etc, nice to see some old friends etc, but having been away, its hard to be back (does that make ANY sense whatsoever??)

I shall now go an find comfort in the biscuit tin.:D Thanks for listening.
x

Re: depressed!
 

What a complete bummer. Wobbler, I am really so sorry to read that, and I do hope you manage to sort out your problems soon and arrive at a happy solution.

One phrase you wrote struck a real chord.

"People here seem to revel in our failure"

What nasty minded little people they must be. Mind you, we see that all over. When we tell people that we are hoping to move abroad, almost all we ever get are smug looks, and cries of 'you'll be back'. Now I accept that there is a high % chance that anyone who moves abroad will come back, for one reason or another. However the delight and malice expressed by these people is quite stomach turning. I put it down to envy. They couldn't stand to see you rising above them (as they saw it) and are delighted to see that you are 'no better than them'.

I find that most distasteful when it's done here, and people who have had to return then 'big up' the UK as the most perfect place on earth. I think it's called 'making a virtue out of a necessity.' Pathetic.

What I would suggest is this. Look at where you are as a springing off point. Decide where you want to be, what you want to do, and then work whole heartedly towards that aim. You obviously were bright enough to run a good business and so if you want to obtain a qualification, I'm sure you will have the gumption and guts to get up and go for it. Put the biscuit tin down, pick up the phone and the pc, and start reshaping your life.

Oh yes, and remember by doing that you will raise two fingers to the people who are revelling in your misery. God knows, I would.

Re: depressed!
 

Hi,

I completely understand what how you feel. especially the part about others revelling in your faliure. I`m heading home for a while in 22 days and am terrified. I too am in N.Wales and have yet to find a short term job. where abouts are you in the sunny land of daffodils?
and don`t apologise about rambling......it`s the only way to sort your head out x

Re: depressed!
 

Hi Wobbler,

Really sorry to hear you guys are struggling. This is a good place to come and try to get some support/clarity/understanding and there are plenty of really smart lovely people who frequent these boards who can give you that much needed empathy and advice.

I am curious on a couple of things, which probably a few others might be as it may shape the outcome of potential possibilities vs the reality of the situation.

1. You said for various reasons you had to reluctantly return, might i ask what they were if its not too personal, (obviously if it is dont)
2. If you had return to North Wales and there had been lots of work would that make things different or do you just think you have done that part of your life and its time to go.

There is really 3 things here that I can see as obstacles//issues to getting you guys back into the land of living (and I am no specialist, far from it).

1. Family and friends, the letdown factor and lack of interest/support.

2. Lack of job opportunities

3. Location


For me, number 1 is something WE ALL have to deal with so don't worry about it. I have lost count of the friends of mine who came to Australia and said their friends in the UK never call or get in touch its always the them who have to do it.

Family, pppfftt, they won't understand unless they have done it, so no point in going there, you don't have to explain anything. People whose lives never change are always jelous of others who went and had a crack at it, its a kind of tall poppy. it happens to the best of us.

2 and 3 can be sorted, just reckon you both need to sit down and spend the easter period really working out.

1. What do we want to do
2. Where do we want to do it

Once you both have that in your sites spend the next couple of months trying to make it happen.

Remove all the clutter that is depressing you, such as giving a shi*e about what anyone else thinks and says and team up with your OH and get stuck into a plan, regardless of whether it is a 3 month, 12 month, 2 year plan. it may not happen overnight but you can make it happen.

Good luck to you, may I recommend chocolate hob nobs in the mean time, hehe.

Re: depressed!
 

I'd go for the Chocolate Hob Nobs as well:)

I'll join in the chorus and say I too have experienced the drop off in contact from family and friends after returning. I think it was probably about 6 months in that I started to notice this and yes it always seems to be me picking up the phone, suggesting getting together and making contact. It does make me a little upset that during the 8 years I was gone all I would hear was you should come back and we miss you and now I think I would have more contact if I was actually back in America.

I also know exactly what you mean by the apparent smugness. When I returned the impression I got from family and friends attitudes was that I had to come back to their level and accept life back in England as they do. I'd frequently be told that this wasn't America and my expectations were too high!

I have been back now 3.5 years and have adjusted to a certain degree being back however I think once anyone has lived away and they return they will always feel different.

I know you said you felt as though you had not trained in a trade as such. Maybe this is something that you could focus on doing and use a new trade as a vehicle to move on?

Re: depressed!
 

Is that an English thing? All my life I have observed how nastily envious people can be, and our desire to move abroad has really highlighted it.

Are people in other countries as nasty to their fellow citizens?

Every now and then I find someone who is nice and encouraging, and says that they hope we make a go of it, but they are hugely outnumbered by the whingers and the envious who desperately want to see you fail.

One of my customers gave me the 'You'll be back' schpiel, and then added that the other guy who was working in the house had also lived in Spain but had come back. I thought the unpleasant cow was going to split her face with the smug, self satisfied grin she was enjoying.

That plus the attitude that the UK is 'perfect' with the 'perfect culture' and the 'perfect climate', just makes me want to vomit.

The other point you raise interests me. I was talking to a life long friend about him coming out to visit us when we are living there, and he is already making excuses as to why it will be difficult for him to come. Sheeesh. :blink:

Re: depressed!
 

Thanks everyone, glad to know it's not just me feeling like this! I know things will get better, but just having a particularly bad day today! I know it's difficult for people to understand how we feel because it was OUR dream and OUR experience, how could they possibly understand? And because most of the people in the area couldn't understand in the first place why we went, it just re-affirms their reasoning on our return. I've not worked out how to multi quote etc so will try to answer your questions like this!!

handbags - we are in lovely Anglesey. lovely part of the country but ever so slightly lacking in jobs and opportunities! Where are you, and where are you coming from?

Bil - the biscuit tin is down! I've given myself a good talking to, and told myself not to be so silly! We've not really lost anything, we came back with roughly the same amount of money we went with, had a great experience etc, and I had more time with my daughter as she would have been at school here, but wasn't old enough to start over there!

Sherro - think you are right, think we have done this part of our lives and should maybe have settled elsewhere, but guess we needed a bit of familiarity when we returned. Trouble now is that we have our daughter settled back in her old school and she's ecstatic! Having said that, if we decided to move again,we would, she's get used to it. It's all for her good anyway, everything we do is for the kids innit!!!

We are working towards a plan to return, needs to be quick though, our ages are slightly against us! I'm 40 in may and hubby is 47! Frustrating thing is, is that if we had listened to ourselves in 2000 when we first visited NZ, and retrained we would possibly be there and settled by now, but life overtook us - travelling, family (phuh!) and then my daughter appeared!! Never mind, if we really want it, it will happen eh!

Thanks again for the advice, its good to talk, feel better already!
x

Re: depressed!
 

Sorry to hear that things arent working Wobbler - you couldnt live in a more beautiful part but the job thing sucks! Sorry, too, that you arent getting support from your family and friends - I think that is the problem with people the world over, they get on with living their own lives and the little walls are gradually being built up around tiny little units whereas in the past we really did have extended family groups who were concerned about each other.

Are there any opportunities for volunteer work perhaps? That is often an avenue into something more permanent work-wise even if it doesnt end up being the career to end all careers! Alternatively, have you looked into the working from home options or mobile service options?

I hope things work out better for you!

Re: depressed!
 

Glad to hear you have the biscuits under control. They can do terrible things to your waistline, and I speak as one who has recently cranked mine down to 32" after it had evolved into something huge and wobbly.

Best of luck. I hope you seize the day with both hands, and shake a great future out of it, if only to spite the miserable envious little squits.

Re: depressed!
 

Hi there,

We've done the, been there and returned (5.5 years since we returned), trouble is most people live their little lives same thing day in day out (which alot are more than happy to do - not knocking them), but what alot of people dont realise is that there is a life beyond the end of their street, and once you have sampled that you want more, its a bit like a drug. You know there is more than what you have and you want it. As I said we returned from NZ just over 5 years ago, and I have lost count of the times that we have looked into going back, or going to Aus, even two days ago had "the Conversation" with OH regarding this, have to say he is keener than me - I tend to look at the practicalities, but whos to say. What will be will be, I know what you mean about the family/friends scenario and once you mention to someone that you had lived abroad then returned you get a full dress down of Why etc., But just wanted to say good luck to you, my advice would be simply to follow what YOU want, its your life and your family comes first. Best wishes to you all.
:)

Re: depressed!
 

Hello, I am currently still in the UK but will be moving over to NZ with my family in July 08. I can really see where your coming from regards people revelling in the alleged failure. I seem to have been setting myself up for a big fall if (BIG IF) it does not work out for us because I have been less than complimentry about life in the UK for some time now. So if we were to come back at some stage in the future I can expect the same treatment.


Positive thinking is required, IT WILL WORK OUT JUST FINE

Re: depressed!
 

Succeed or fail, doesn't make things in the UK any better. I'd always say, have a go. At least that way when the stay at home envious types start at you, you can say 'It's better to have tried and failed than to never have tried.'

Sitting in the Tesco car park today, rain p*ssing down to create the 'perfect' English weather we all love, and I suddenly realised what the UK weather is perfect for.

It's perfect for encouraging emigration!

Re: depressed!
 

Keep your chins up.
We family of 6 went to NZ in 2005 came home in July 2007, hubby has just been offered his old job back on a work to residence visa in NZ. I have been through all the same questions as you. We sold our business to go in the first place, cost us a fortune to return because I could not settle, now realise that UK is not the place and will have to start from scratch to go over again later this year. Have many doubts and concerns (all the family loved NZ except for me)!!!!

Re: depressed!
 

My family all loved Aus except me, I feel so guilty for bringing the children back to the UK. I thought they would stop thinking about Aus after a few months but 3 years+ later they still talk about the animals, lifestyle, weather I know they want to go back.

We are ALL now ready to return, I think I had to come back to feel really sure, I've also sorted out some family issues so I have some closure there. Sometimes we have to sort out the family emotional baggage to really move on. I suffered from family /friend envy, unbelievable really what family and friends can say or do, people who you expect to support you all the way.

To the original poster, I say go for it, do what is best for your family. Try not to feel depressed, I've shed so many tears it's a huge challenge to move overseas and leaves you feeling drained, look after yourself and you will find the answers:).

Re: depressed!
 

Have you spent a winter in Vejer yet Bil?:)